I typed in this word in MS Word, used the thesaurus function and a barrage of synonyms came my way. Melancholic - depression, sad, feeling in the dumps... and the list goes on.
Well, I wonder if it has anything to do with the full moon, or the cold weather, that I've been feeling melancholic lately. People have been asking if I was OK, if I was enjoying what I was doing. In an almost automatic reply, I answered yes. I'm just tired.
Just two days back, I met my P when she was leaving school. She asked if I was coping OK. Yes, I said. Maybe she wasn't quite convinced, considering I looked like an over-drained teacher at half past five with a stack of books and half-closed eyes.
Maybe it's a whole mix of things bothering me at this moment. Maybe. Maybe it's the stacks of marking, the lesson plans, the scheme of works, my inablility to establish the rapport I want with my other Sec 2 class, or the immense pressure and books piling up on my table. Something is making me feel melancholic and as much as I want to get out of this awful feeling, I don't seem to be able to.
I hate it when I sense negative energy in me cos I really don't want to be passing it on to the kids I teach. That's the last thing I want for them. I want synergy. I want them to feel energized, and at the end of the lesson, feel that yes, I did enjoy that lesson. But I can't seem to be doing that as much as I want to. I hate the feeling of having to scold students because they get on my nerves for disrupting my class, or I hate the feeling of having to put them in their places. I hate to raise my voice just to get their attention. But I've been doing that. At the end of this hectic week, right at the last lesson, I found myself coughing hard and not being able to or rather not wanting to shout anymore. In a way, I'm glad it's Friday.
Maybe it's me wanting too much. Maybe it's the perfectionist streak in me again. I remember my co-operating teacher telling me when I was doing my practicum at was overly stressed by the fact that I couldn't get the kids to do what I wanted them to do. She told me that I had to learn to deal with my disappointments. Sometimes, it's me, not them.
I realised what she said was true. Maybe I do have to let go sometimes.
I remember Uncle Joel telling me this, and I will never forget it. He said, sometimes, we have to take a step back so we can make a leap forward.
Maybe, it's time I took a step back?
My P ended off our conversation that day by looking at me from the corner of her eyes, "I truly hope you are enjoying yourself."
Yes, I am. I love the kids I teach. I look at their faces and I wished they could have the motivation and drive to want to excel. I wished that they could push themselves harder, and see the potential I see in each of them. I wished they could learn the ablility of balancing work and play. Most of all, I wished that they would be moulded into beautiful young adults - because that is what I see in each of them.
Sometimes, I feel like I am a sculptor, moulding these students under my care into the art form they ought to be. Sometimes, I feel that if they don't evolve into the work of art they are meant to be, than I feel as a sculptor, I ought to take responsibility.
Just a while ago, as I saw Alfred, Terence and a bunch of other boys (I couldn't quite see from up there!) walk out of school, I couldn't help it but let a smile edge across my face. I thought - they may be in different classes this year, but they still continue to keep the bond between them. It just warmed my heart to see them.. Really.
Now, that's something to smile about... Well, it's the end of the week. I do hope next week will get better!
28 January 2005
23 January 2005
Preparing for Lessons
The week has been a rollercoaster ride, filled with joys and tears. And now, as I sit in the comfort of my papa-san chair, I feel that my room looks like a typhoon-swept mess, with papers and books lying all around. My nose is runny, and I stop once in a while whilst blogging to stifle a sneeze.
The weather is beginning to get warm, and I am beginning to miss the cool breeze and air over the past weeks. It reminded me of my days back in Hawaii - sunny yet dry and cool. It felt like Singapore in a perpetual air-conditioned state.
In any case, the weekend was spent preparing for lessons. It's been a long while since I did that much intensive research, even going down to Bras Basah Complex to check out the second hand bookshops there to make sure they sell the books I told my kids to get for their Reading Circle Programme. I am determined to start the Programme with my Sec 2 kids. I wonder how they will take to Underground to Canada by Barbara Smucker - the text that I read in Sec 2 myself that got me looking at the stars til this very day - the North Star - the brightest star of the "Big Dipper" that lead thousands of slaves to freedom.
As I did my research over the Internet today, a warm feeling of nostalgia crept over me as I relish the days where I ploughed through Literature texts, analysing and interpreting. Indeed, it was one of my favourite subjects in school. Ironic, considering the fact that I don't really like to read!
I don't believe that I have benn on the Internet for more than 10 hours just ploughing through links to create my lessons. Well, I hope it's worth the effort!
Tomorrow will be a fresh start to the week - the EVEN week, where my time-table is much heavier than that in the ODD week. Another five days to plough through. I WILL survive!
The weather is beginning to get warm, and I am beginning to miss the cool breeze and air over the past weeks. It reminded me of my days back in Hawaii - sunny yet dry and cool. It felt like Singapore in a perpetual air-conditioned state.
In any case, the weekend was spent preparing for lessons. It's been a long while since I did that much intensive research, even going down to Bras Basah Complex to check out the second hand bookshops there to make sure they sell the books I told my kids to get for their Reading Circle Programme. I am determined to start the Programme with my Sec 2 kids. I wonder how they will take to Underground to Canada by Barbara Smucker - the text that I read in Sec 2 myself that got me looking at the stars til this very day - the North Star - the brightest star of the "Big Dipper" that lead thousands of slaves to freedom.
As I did my research over the Internet today, a warm feeling of nostalgia crept over me as I relish the days where I ploughed through Literature texts, analysing and interpreting. Indeed, it was one of my favourite subjects in school. Ironic, considering the fact that I don't really like to read!
I don't believe that I have benn on the Internet for more than 10 hours just ploughing through links to create my lessons. Well, I hope it's worth the effort!
Tomorrow will be a fresh start to the week - the EVEN week, where my time-table is much heavier than that in the ODD week. Another five days to plough through. I WILL survive!
20 January 2005
Taking a break...
Thank God for the Hari Raya holiday! It has been a really hectic week which started last week. Although the time-table's lighter on this odd week, the series of meetings in the afternoons kept me mostly away from my desk, and resulted in a pile of marking to do - 120 books to be exact. For a moment, I wished I had the Saturday still to clear marking. But with the five-day work week, that's kinda impossible.
As I signed out of school today, I realised that I've been in there for 12 hours! I hardly sat on my chair today! Well, as the bell rang to signal that the school was going to be locked up, I gathered as much work as I could and stuffed it into my bag. Armed with my laptop, I left school with twenty other things on my mind I know I need to follow up on besides marking... EL meeting minutes, update of my record book, lesson planning for next three weeks, answer key for comprehension passage and summary, looking through writing drafts, preparing for next week's lessons on project work, the reading circle... and the list goes on. So much for a five-day work week. It seems teach less and learn more is not doing us teachers any good so far!
Anyway, I had fun with my kids this week. I invented a game I call vocabulary survivor. It was a game I devised in 10 minutes cos I was desperate to cover something besides narratives in class that was boring myself, if not the kids I teach! After the lesson, my kids felt so energized competing with each other to give synonym to words that they asked for more... Wow!
Today, I started my Sec 3 class with their reading circles. I regrouped them, much to the displeasure of some. But I explained my rationale and hope they will take to it. My heart warms when I see them interacting with each other. Recommending books to them makes me miss my Literature days back in JC. I remember my Lit tutor, Mr Tan. It was through him that I learnt my first long and hard word (pun intend *tongue in cheek*), aphrodisiac. Suddenly, everything we read had a sexual inuendo to it. And how I loved Practical Criticism cos we didn't have to read any book. We just had to criticize and interpret whatever that was given to us!
Anyway, as I sit in the comforts of my papa-san chair, writing my blog and listening to the serene sounds of Kevin Kern in the background, my eyelids are weighing down over my eyes. Yes, I'm tired... Maybe I should take a break now..
Starfish... out!
As I signed out of school today, I realised that I've been in there for 12 hours! I hardly sat on my chair today! Well, as the bell rang to signal that the school was going to be locked up, I gathered as much work as I could and stuffed it into my bag. Armed with my laptop, I left school with twenty other things on my mind I know I need to follow up on besides marking... EL meeting minutes, update of my record book, lesson planning for next three weeks, answer key for comprehension passage and summary, looking through writing drafts, preparing for next week's lessons on project work, the reading circle... and the list goes on. So much for a five-day work week. It seems teach less and learn more is not doing us teachers any good so far!
Anyway, I had fun with my kids this week. I invented a game I call vocabulary survivor. It was a game I devised in 10 minutes cos I was desperate to cover something besides narratives in class that was boring myself, if not the kids I teach! After the lesson, my kids felt so energized competing with each other to give synonym to words that they asked for more... Wow!
Today, I started my Sec 3 class with their reading circles. I regrouped them, much to the displeasure of some. But I explained my rationale and hope they will take to it. My heart warms when I see them interacting with each other. Recommending books to them makes me miss my Literature days back in JC. I remember my Lit tutor, Mr Tan. It was through him that I learnt my first long and hard word (pun intend *tongue in cheek*), aphrodisiac. Suddenly, everything we read had a sexual inuendo to it. And how I loved Practical Criticism cos we didn't have to read any book. We just had to criticize and interpret whatever that was given to us!
Anyway, as I sit in the comforts of my papa-san chair, writing my blog and listening to the serene sounds of Kevin Kern in the background, my eyelids are weighing down over my eyes. Yes, I'm tired... Maybe I should take a break now..
Starfish... out!
08 January 2005
A Wave of Emotions
How could I not have my own thoughts about the tidal wave tragedy? Over the past few days, I've made my students pen down their thoughts and feelings about the tragedy. As I marked a few journals yesterday, it dawned on me that each of us felt for the victims in our own special way, and given a choice, we each wanted to contribute to help...
For me, the news of the tidal wave came as a surprise. Boxing Day - where the Christmas festivities had not died down - seemed like an inopportune time for a tragedy to happen. In the midst of my celebrations, I felt guilty not sparing a thought for those swept under the waves.
Over the days, reality sank in. Pictures of mass destruction, dead bodies and grief were captured in print and media. What was the world coming to? Who was to blame?
Nobody can quite comprehend why it should happen, although most understood how it happened. Questions of "why God?" came to mind. In church, sessions to explain if it was a will of God, or an act of God were planned. People needed to know answers.
As for me, I've always lived by the philosophy that everything happens for a reason. We may not know the reason at that point in time, but some day, the reason will come to light. My belief in some higher order up there and the trust I have given Him to know what's best keeps me going although things may not seem a bed of roses at times.
In a tragedy like this, my prayer is to ask God to give strength and hope to those of have lost their loved ones, to bless the souls of the departed, and to give wisdom to those governing the rescue operations and managing the funds generously donated by people all around the world.
On reflection, it seems like a cruel paradox that a tragedy involving so many countries in the Asian region, claiming thousands of lives, is acting as the binding force of all the nations that was once at war with each other a few months back. As leaders of countries represent their people, millions of dollars are pledged and donated to provide aid in terms of clean water, medication, clothes etc. Around the world, the compassion and humanity of millions are seen as people donate in cash and kind to help those affected. All are contributing in their own special way, but all have just one goal in mind - to help.
My heart warms as I think about this. Yet, I cry when I hear of how some others have decided to exploit the situation to boost business sales, or worst, to kidnap orphaned children to sell. Have these people no heart? Where is their respect for humanity?
I think the tragedy has struck our hearts in one way or another, some more so than others. For me, as I part with cash in donation to help, I find myself less than worthy to be writing on something like this. Given a choice, I wish I could be doing more - maybe even be there amidst the mass graveyard of decomposing bodies, or comforting the grieving, or packing supplies, or rendering first aid. I wish I could be there to help in person. I wish I could.
But as I reside in the safety of this small island, all I can do now is to pray. And I urge all of you to join me in prayer in whatever way you want, to whichever God you believe in.
Pray that the grieving be comforted,
That the departed rest in peace,
That the helpers be given strength,
And leaders blessed with wisdom.
Pray that hearts be filled with compassion,
And hands be blessed with gentleness.
Pray that sicknesses be cured,
And injuries healed.
Pray that love be spread through the world
As all of us unite
To mourn the loss of thousands.
Today, let us pray.
For me, the news of the tidal wave came as a surprise. Boxing Day - where the Christmas festivities had not died down - seemed like an inopportune time for a tragedy to happen. In the midst of my celebrations, I felt guilty not sparing a thought for those swept under the waves.
Over the days, reality sank in. Pictures of mass destruction, dead bodies and grief were captured in print and media. What was the world coming to? Who was to blame?
Nobody can quite comprehend why it should happen, although most understood how it happened. Questions of "why God?" came to mind. In church, sessions to explain if it was a will of God, or an act of God were planned. People needed to know answers.
As for me, I've always lived by the philosophy that everything happens for a reason. We may not know the reason at that point in time, but some day, the reason will come to light. My belief in some higher order up there and the trust I have given Him to know what's best keeps me going although things may not seem a bed of roses at times.
In a tragedy like this, my prayer is to ask God to give strength and hope to those of have lost their loved ones, to bless the souls of the departed, and to give wisdom to those governing the rescue operations and managing the funds generously donated by people all around the world.
On reflection, it seems like a cruel paradox that a tragedy involving so many countries in the Asian region, claiming thousands of lives, is acting as the binding force of all the nations that was once at war with each other a few months back. As leaders of countries represent their people, millions of dollars are pledged and donated to provide aid in terms of clean water, medication, clothes etc. Around the world, the compassion and humanity of millions are seen as people donate in cash and kind to help those affected. All are contributing in their own special way, but all have just one goal in mind - to help.
My heart warms as I think about this. Yet, I cry when I hear of how some others have decided to exploit the situation to boost business sales, or worst, to kidnap orphaned children to sell. Have these people no heart? Where is their respect for humanity?
I think the tragedy has struck our hearts in one way or another, some more so than others. For me, as I part with cash in donation to help, I find myself less than worthy to be writing on something like this. Given a choice, I wish I could be doing more - maybe even be there amidst the mass graveyard of decomposing bodies, or comforting the grieving, or packing supplies, or rendering first aid. I wish I could be there to help in person. I wish I could.
But as I reside in the safety of this small island, all I can do now is to pray. And I urge all of you to join me in prayer in whatever way you want, to whichever God you believe in.
Pray that the grieving be comforted,
That the departed rest in peace,
That the helpers be given strength,
And leaders blessed with wisdom.
Pray that hearts be filled with compassion,
And hands be blessed with gentleness.
Pray that sicknesses be cured,
And injuries healed.
Pray that love be spread through the world
As all of us unite
To mourn the loss of thousands.
Today, let us pray.
07 January 2005
How was your day?
I shared with my class a habit I learnt from a friend quite some time back, and that was to ask, "How was your day?" My initial replies used to be - "OK" or "Bad"... Until I began to realise how my friend would answer when the question was asked in turn.
My friend would focus on the positive aspects of the day, the learning points. I soon realised that yes, everyday is a lesson for us to learn and keep. Even a bad day is a lesson by itself, and if so, what makes it so "bad"?
I challenged my class to end the day asking someone else, "How was your day?" and also ask themselves, "What did I learn today?"
Thanks for asking how my day was - It was good. It was good that I was able to share a part of my life with you. And though I may not have touched the lives of all of, at least I knew I had touched some... much like the starfish story... "I made a difference to this one!"
My friend would focus on the positive aspects of the day, the learning points. I soon realised that yes, everyday is a lesson for us to learn and keep. Even a bad day is a lesson by itself, and if so, what makes it so "bad"?
I challenged my class to end the day asking someone else, "How was your day?" and also ask themselves, "What did I learn today?"
Thanks for asking how my day was - It was good. It was good that I was able to share a part of my life with you. And though I may not have touched the lives of all of, at least I knew I had touched some... much like the starfish story... "I made a difference to this one!"
06 January 2005
A new year, a new change
Yes, school has started and for most, they are back to their own classes. As form teacher of Sec 3 Diligence, I have inherited some of my old students from Sec 2 Sincerity. It's nice to see a few familiar faces. :)
As I got my class to get to know each other better, I found myself reflecting on how each of them could be feeling inside. Was it the new year, or was it that they came from different classes and was trying to get accustomed to unfamliar faces and surroundings.
Change - whoever said it was easy? It must have not been easy for some to move to a new class where faces are not that familiar, and the task of getting to know "strangers" begin all over again. New teachers, new subjects, new classmates... It must be overwhelming for some.
Change for us adults isn't as easy too. As a teacher, I'm also grappling with new challenges that face me daily - new responsibilities and doing things I am not accustomed to. Sometimes, these new challenges go against the flow of things that have been done before. And I have to psyche myself to carry on in this journey as I know only then will I be able to mould myself better, stretch my potential and in short, grow.
I once told someone - Life is a learning journey. Everything that comes by our way, no matter how small teaches us something, even setbacks. Yes, even if we're having a hard day, that in itself is a learning experience.
Let's ask ourselves daily - what have I learnt today?
As I got my class to get to know each other better, I found myself reflecting on how each of them could be feeling inside. Was it the new year, or was it that they came from different classes and was trying to get accustomed to unfamliar faces and surroundings.
Change - whoever said it was easy? It must have not been easy for some to move to a new class where faces are not that familiar, and the task of getting to know "strangers" begin all over again. New teachers, new subjects, new classmates... It must be overwhelming for some.
Change for us adults isn't as easy too. As a teacher, I'm also grappling with new challenges that face me daily - new responsibilities and doing things I am not accustomed to. Sometimes, these new challenges go against the flow of things that have been done before. And I have to psyche myself to carry on in this journey as I know only then will I be able to mould myself better, stretch my potential and in short, grow.
I once told someone - Life is a learning journey. Everything that comes by our way, no matter how small teaches us something, even setbacks. Yes, even if we're having a hard day, that in itself is a learning experience.
Let's ask ourselves daily - what have I learnt today?