Renovation Works...

My home's a mess cos mum decided that it's about time we changed the aircon which was a leftover from the previous owner of our flat. The wooden partition in her bedroom is corroding because of the water that seeps in and ever so often, the aircon decides to rain in my room. Just as I shifted the book shelf below it did I realise that the wooden platform is corroding as well.

The aircon's people here in my room, clicking and cracking away trying to fit in the new unit. Just now, one contractor came to see the windows cos mum wants it fixed. She has this paranoia that if we don't fix it soon, the window may drop one day. Brother's not really pleased with the idea cos that means additional expenses. "Is it really necessary?", he questioned.

She wants the house painted too. Just last week, the Elvis Presley pictures that I had framed and mounted on the wall in her bedroom came crashing down. Yes, all of it. So, now, the wall is patchy. With the corroding wood, the paintworks by the window has faded into a dirty brown. I guess she couldn't live with it. With Christmas approaching and guests coming over, my mum just has to have the house in what I call "showroom condition".

And so, Wendy's contractor just came by to see how much it will cost to give our home a fresh coat of paint, excluding my room cos I've managed to keep it in pristine condition.

Mum wants my curtains changed too. It doesn't matter that the curtains she wants hung up is just hanging halfway down from the ceiling. She feels it looks better. I didn't think so, but I can only prove my point when it's all hung up and I've to show her it looks ugly. For now, I shall let her have her way.

Yes, and my mum also wants a new Christmas tree cos the one we have is too empty for her liking...

That's my mum for you. No, don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. I feel it's all so amusing sometimes the extent to which she makes this house a home. If there were a Martha Stewart of the East, I'd think it's her.

Now, you know where I got my traits from.... :)

As for me, I wish I had more energy to motivate me to make a trip to school to get the work I'm supposed to be doing for the English package that all teachers were tasked to do. I keep telling myself tomorrow, but tomorrow doesn't seem to come. I'm embarrassed even to say this. I kinda like my home office which I set up in my room yesterday. There's more to be done. But I have to let the aircon and window renovation works be done first before I can do it.

Mum doesn't get it that I still have work to do although I'm home. It's funny how she nags at me to clean my room when she doesn't my brother. He gets to do what he wants while I have to do my part.

Ha.. I guess my students will find all these familiar! You see? Even teachers get it from their mums!

Gotta chao now. I hear yells of "clean your room" coming soon!

Sometimes...

Sometimes in life I wonder
Why things happen the way they do
Why we have to suffer
Why we have to go through what we go through

Sometimes in life I think
Why paths of people cross along the way
Why some make good of the link
Whilst others decide to walk away

Sometimes in life I feel
The beauty of nature slip through our hands
As we proceed to seek another thrill
Forgetting God's gift to man

Sometimes in life I love
Far less than I think I should
Loving unconditionally like the one above
Embracing people around me for good

Sometimes in life I touch
The heart of someone with my words
Sharing the inner voice as such
Better heal all wounds and hurts

Sometimes in life there are sometimes
Where nothing seem to make sense
But we go on walking this journey anyway
Cos sometimes, it's just some time to the end.

Deborah Anne Chew

Life and Lemonade

I've been hit by the cold bug that got me sniffing since last Friday. Maybe I was just allergic to work.. Ha..

I've got a pile of things to do for school, but somehow, I'm less than motivated to get started. Perhaps it's the holiday "nua-ness" that's kicking in. Doesn't help with my brother at home being equally "nua".

Today, I got up, switched on my PC, and the fitness magazine automatic wallpaper changer gave me this message: The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are. - John Pierpont Morgan

Which brought me to reflect on life and the difficulties some of my friends are facing right now. I wondered where I got my never-say-die attitude from. Perhaps, I've learnt how to cut the threads, to be less hard on myself, to stop blaming the world, but to decide that whatever comes my way, I'm just charging forward towards my goal. I remember the old adage : "If life brings you lemons, make lemonade."

I'm a determined fruit juicer now!!

:)

Starting the day right...

It's been a ritual ever since I felt right about it. At around this time every year, I'd start the day with Mass. The big guy above gets the first and best part of the day. It's about starting the day right, I feel. It's about starting the year right. It's thanking Him for all that I've been blessed with and a humble plea to give me strength, patience and grace as I journey on through life.

In silent serenity with the sounds of hymns and familiar prayers in the background, I am reminded that no matter what, I always have a save haven. I always have someone who will love me unconditionally and be there for me when I am tired. I am reminded that I AM blessed.

I begin to see my role in life as a guide. I am beginning to feel that God put me in the position that I am in for a reason. I remember my brother calling me "light of everyone's life". He said I brighten up people's lives and now, I also see myself also as a light to guide.

The starfish story has now been associated with me. Now, everyone associates me with the starfish. Thanks to my brother, who gave me that nickname cos he thought I was like Peach the Starfish in Finding Nemo - always looking out and reporting the latest happenings (in short, a kay-po!). But the moniker has since been stuck to me in more ways than one. And the more I learn about the starfish, the more I feel that yes, indeed, I am like the starfish.

I wear the starfish pendant my friend gave to me almost everyday to remind me of all the ways I am like the starfish, and of course about the starfish story... that I don't have to create a big impact to make a difference. Little by little, in my own small way, I can also make a difference.

Yesterday, a bunch of friends wrote me a card, penning down their words of appreciation and good wishes. It touched my heart. For all the things I did, I never thought I was throwing starfishes in the sea, but in fact I was. And I'm glad. Mum read the card and I could see her beaming with pride. She didn't say it, but I knew she was beginning to see the fruits of my labour. Thanks, mum for loving me and believing in me...

Somehow, I feel things will get better for this year. Yes, I feel it. :)

Poetic mood again...

I couldn't get to sleep last night. Somehow, pen and paper came into view and at 3am, the following poem was born... It reminded me of my JC days when I took up Literature. The works of Andrew Marvell... I really loved Practical Criticism cos we didn't have to study for it. Just analyse and criticise. How much easier can that get? :)

Anyhow, I used to write poems with Priscilla back in secondary school days and we promised each other that we'd compile a book of poems. We had the idea shelved along the way when we both became busy with our own lives. Somehow, we dug out our poems one day, and it got me writing since. Maybe, just maybe, a book of poems may materialise one day...

This poem is about love, about the voice of the heart speaking to another. When I was crafting this poem out, I had at the back of my head a story of romance, a war of emotions, tugging at two hearts, both feeling somewhat different. One loves and the other's afraid. But although different, they are somehow tied together by the sameness of a tension within themselves in deciding whether to give in or give up eventually. Finally, one heart speaks to another. Here is their story...

MY HEART TO YOU

Sometimes, I only wish I had all the words to say
How the heart feels; why it feels this way
I've never felt like this before
I don't know the future, don't know what's in store.

You tell me to give up, and to leave
This may be a fleeting moment, something too brief
You don't know what the future will hold
Neither do I; I just may be left lonely and cold.

But what I have in my heart keeps me strong
It keeps me going, it keeps me warm
Through sleepless nights just thinking of you
Wishing that one day, my dream will come true.

And whilst I take the risk that that day I may never find
I cling on to that picture I have in my mind
The day when your heart will give in to mine
That you'd love me like I did you all these time

And even if it takes eternity for you to feel this way
I'd wait and be glad enough to know that you will never stray
I'd travel the world with you and be your best friend
I'd walk with you through life's road, I'd hold your hand
I'd trace your footsteps and back you up should you fall
I'd go before you and be your shining star through it all.

For I've had my mind made up to love you true and through
Right from the very day I set my eyes on you
Call it chance or even an inkling of fate
I'd call it a meeting of souls none other can dictate

For who's to know what is to come
Beneath the skies of the setting sun
Shades of blue and hues of autumn red
Feelings of love were never meant to make you afraid

So slowly and gently I'd take your hand
I hear the voice of your heart, I understand
You don't have to explain, nor feel the way I do
Just follow your heart to guide and lead you

Take your time and find your pace
In this labyrinth of emotional space
Time waits for no other but for a love that's true
Words coming from my heart to you.

Deborah Anne Chew

Moving on...

Ah yes. I admit it. I've been neglecting this little child of mine. It's just that so many things have been put on my platter, I've for a moment pushed aside this side dish of mine.

But sometimes, too much of the main dish is too much to bear. And so, today, I've decided to return to my side dish, and seek a little consolation in the haven of my blog.

I hadn't really noticed til a friend of mine asked me - "So, you haven't been in a relationship since your last one six years back?" Wow - six years has just flown past, and now, he's going to get married to the girl that stole his heart from me next month.

Whilst the pain was immense when that happened, I'm glad it did. I don't think I'd ever be doing what I'm doing now, or be the person I am now if I were still with him. It made me think that sometimes, life brings you hard knocks so you know how to be resilient.

Sure, it's painful to always be at the losing end, when someone you love so dearly walks out on you, and even more so to someone else. For a long while, I felt it was my fault. I blamed myself. But after a while, I decided to walk out of it. Along the way, God planted people who showed me in more ways than one that I was far more worthy than the love I would have gotten if I were with him.

I've moved on since.

A few of my friends were left single somehow this year. People walked out on them. They were left alone. And as I hear and see their tears of hurt, of a yearning wishing that it didn't happen, I am reminded of my past. I empathise with them, but at the same time, I'd encourage them to move on. It's not good sitting in a pool of pity when you can move on and take flight.

I remember what Max said when Adrian left me. "Now you're free."

Yes, I appreciate that freedom now. A freedom to develop myself the way I should. A freedom to grow, a freedom to share my love and time to whoever I want. And a freedom to choose to love someone else who is worthy of my love.

And whilst I wait for that someone else to love, I enjoy life's experiences. I see it all as a journey to mould me into that someone I can be and should be.

We can't run away from the hurt, or what faces us always. Be brave. Face it. You'd get over it. And one day, you'll turn back like me, and appreciate all that had happened. Because you will never be the person you ought to be, if you had walked any other way.

To the two of my friends - you know who you are - take heart. I mean it when I say I see lots of potential in you. This is your freedom. This is the time for you to take flight. This is your opportunity. Seize it. Some things in life only come once.

And as you embark in your new journey, take heart and know that there's lots of people around you are supportive of you. And yes, that includes me.

Go on, move on. You'd do just fine.

:)

Tired?

Yesterday, I spoke with Pam briefly. I was supposed to meet up with her and Chen Ying later in the afternoon after my appointment, but the rain came pouring down and got me stranded. And so, I couldn't move off from where I was til the rain stopped.

While I wished I could have met up with them, the brief conversation I had with Pam got me thinking. Among the things we talked about, she asked, "Don't you ever get tired?"

It struck me hard, but the reply came out almost immediately. "Nope!"

Maybe I was on a high. I don't know.

Today, I read an article in one of the many publications we teachers get. It was an article about how a couple with 8 kids still manage to keep the family going on a single income. And all of them are happy. One thing came to mind - unconditional love. That kept them going. Yes, finances get strained with each birth of a new child, but he says it's all worth it. It's just a matter of juggling things around, and making some sacrifices.

Reflecting, I ask myself, why do I do the things I do? Unconditional love? Yes, sacrifices are made. I'm far busier than I was when I was working at NUS, where I could spend my evenings shopping along Orchard Road, or bake every weekend, or meet up with friends frequently. Now, I do these things far less often. Punggol is my usual haunt. I hardly step foot on Orchard Road, not to mention Suntec City. How does Carrefour look like now? TV Programmes? I don't even know what's on! But once in a while, I make it a point to take some time to give myself a treat, just to be by myself so that I can rejuvenate. Maybe that's why I don't get tired?

My counselling tutor from NIE dropped me an email to say she's glad to hear from one of the trainee teachers who was on attachment at HIHS that I'm doing well in school and that the kids are responding well to me. She warned me to take some time off for myself too, lest I get drained.

Yes, it can get draining at times. Doing the work we do is not easy. So sometimes, I remind myself that it's OK to slow down, to take a step back, to be less than perfect. After all, as Uncle Joel shared with me - sometimes, when you take a step back, it's only because it lets you make a greater leap forward.

Sometimes

Sometimes, life brings you humbling experiences
So you learn to appreciate what you have.

Sometimes, life brings you hard knocks
Just to keep you in check.

Sometimes, life brings you the unexpected
So that you'd be surprised.

Sometimes, life brings you treasures
But not always wrapped in gold.

But life always brings you lessons
You will always need to grow.

Something happened to me last night, and though I feel pretty uncomfortable with the fact that I have been misunderstood, nevertheless, it has kept me in check once again. It has brought me to reflect the things I have been doing. Humilty. I've to keep that in mind. That amidst the responsibilities, that I don't get too big for my shoes, that I don't be self-centred, that I look upon myself as no greater than any other, that I have lessons to learn, to share and to discover. Each of us have our own talents. But this does not mean that I am better in any way to any one else less that one talent. What one lacks, one makes up with another.

Philosophical?

I've only had half an hours' sleep since last night, or the day before, to be more accurate. I'm supposed to be sleeping, but there's too much on my mind now. Until I get that misuderstanding cleared, I don't think I'd be able to rest in bed with a clean conscience tonight. It's not a matter of who's right or wrong. It's a matter of learning to know each other's personalities better so as to better understand what's being said and the intentions attached to them.

Sometimes, I wish life didn't have to be so complicated. Like I tell everyone else - I am but a janitor.

:)