Coincidentally, like Pris, I am experiencing my fair share of cold feet, though of a different kind.
I have for a long time, had wanted to do something different - say drama or dance or an extreme sport. It's a small part of me that seeks a certain thrill once in a while. This urge strikes just once out of the blue, and when it does, it's best described by the phrase "strike while the iron is hot". Wendy knows fully well what this means. Each time I agree to do something out of my usual comfort zone, she'll encourage me. She'll make me commit to it lest I change my mind. She makes sure I don't back out. But at the back of her head, she knows that I may just chicken out after that. Cold feet.
Like Pris, I have been wondering why I have been having cold feet lately. Each time I go for my salsa class, a million thoughts go through my head. What if I don't remember the steps? What if I'm really lousy? What if... And I think of not going. But Wendy pushes me on... And I go... And after class, when I realise I've got all the steps, someone mentions going to some public place to practise, I go... cold feet. My immediate reaction would be - sure, it'd be fun. It'd be nice. I can meet new people. Then after a while, I go.. ya, right.. They're all pros there... they know their steps. I don't.. And I go.. err... Cold feet, or left feet, I can't quite decide. Maybe it's just a little of both.
It's not just at dance. After my episode with Mark, I seem to have cold feet when thinking about commitment. I think and ask myself if I can ever find a guy I can trust. I ask myself if I really do need a guy. Maybe I'm better off single. I can do my travelling and my spa. I can visit places and pamper myself. I can do what I want without any worries about my commitment to another. But at the back on my head, my conscience haunts me. Maybe I am running away from something... Maybe I'm just afraid.
I look at my life ahead of me, and I think - what is my purpose on earth? I feel lost. I feel that I am wandering aimlessly. I don't even know what I am looking for. Right now, I feel like I lack a vision, and objective in my life. I wonder what drives me now. Before, I used to work as though I will marry some day, have kids and be a good wife and mother. Somehow, I am beginning to feel that this vision eludes me. My vision of my future now draws a blank. I don't know what I am to do.
And so, in self-reflection, I ask myself if all the new things I am doing now - is it a case that I am just pushing myself to the limits to explore my fullest potential? Or am I just trying to reach out in all directions like a greedy octopus to try to fill the gap in my life. Somehow, I feel it is the latter.
I remind myself daily that God put me on earth for a reason, and I have a religious obligation to fulfil my duty here on earth. Somehow, I think I am blind to His signs, and deaf to His call. I have no idea what I should be doing, or if what I have set out to do is in line with what his will calls for me. I feel so helpless in this situation without a direction in my life. I can't even call it a crossroad! I have no decision to make. I find it so ironical that despite so many things I am doing now, and the projects that await me, I find myself with a lack of drive, and I just don't know what to do!
As Pris feels uneasy with the new life that await her, I too feel uneasy with the thought of the uncertainty of the future. We both wonder and worry. We both are having cold, heavy feet that resists moving to the beat in this dance of life. I hope they will warm up soon.
30 November 2003
28 November 2003
Thank God It's Friday!
I woke up this morning with the sun shining in my face. I am usually not one who sleeps in, but I had a late night. Wendy came over my place, and we were tying ribbons for the programme cards for tonight's dinner at the Ritz Carlton. With 125 cards to tie, and just us being anal that the bows should be in perfect shape, we didn't finish til 2am! But it was all worth it. Laughter and gossip kept us awake. After Wendy left, I took a shower and plonked myself in front of the TV, watching a rerun of the final episode of Joe Millionaire on Star World.
At least I could sleep in late today. Poor Wendy had to help her mum pack her luggage cos she's leaving for a holiday. Yes, something again common between Wendy and I - we always have to help our mums pack their luggage, and tell them not to clip that stupid-looking waist pouch around their waists cos it makes them look like the "sell-drink auntie". Things we do to make our mums look nice and young... Hip even.
Wendy must be sleepy now. Today will be another long day for her. We have a whole day planned out. She's at work right now. Will get down to Ritz Carlton in the afternoon to ensure the logistics are all done nicely. She'll have one of the rooms there to freshen up. Come dinner, she's to ensure things run smoothly... and then, it's time to let the hair down and party!! We plan to do something tonight. Maybe get to one of the bars to practise our salsa, or drop by Harry's for good jazz music... or we'll see what the others have in mind and just go along.
As for me, I am getting used to my Maria job. After I woke up, I packed my brother's lunch, did the laundry, and cleaned the house. After this, I'd be preparing his dinner for tonight. The sun's shining really brightly, so if my body has any energy left, I may just go for a swim. Wendy and I have a hotel room booked, so we don't have to worry about taking a cab home after tonight's dinner. So, I'd be checking in later in the afternoon, followed by a facial, and then off to dinner. Will be seeing all my ex-colleagues again.. :)
Yeah! Mum just called from Canada. Glad to hear her voice. She's having a nice time.. said she played with snow, took lots of pictures, and is now shopping at some place.. Said she bought me a pair of Nine West sandals.. How sweet of her. It's the same when I go travelling.. I end up buying things for others! Chip of the old block! Sigh... I really do miss her. I won't see her til next year after I get back from Sydney... Wow!
Two friends of mine are really happy now. In my head, I can see their shy smiles and glowing faces. It warms my heart to know they are both enjoying themselves and having a good time. Whenever I think about them, I smile too. I wish I could give both of them a hug right now and tell them - hey, I'm happy to share in your happiness. I really am. :)
At least I could sleep in late today. Poor Wendy had to help her mum pack her luggage cos she's leaving for a holiday. Yes, something again common between Wendy and I - we always have to help our mums pack their luggage, and tell them not to clip that stupid-looking waist pouch around their waists cos it makes them look like the "sell-drink auntie". Things we do to make our mums look nice and young... Hip even.
Wendy must be sleepy now. Today will be another long day for her. We have a whole day planned out. She's at work right now. Will get down to Ritz Carlton in the afternoon to ensure the logistics are all done nicely. She'll have one of the rooms there to freshen up. Come dinner, she's to ensure things run smoothly... and then, it's time to let the hair down and party!! We plan to do something tonight. Maybe get to one of the bars to practise our salsa, or drop by Harry's for good jazz music... or we'll see what the others have in mind and just go along.
As for me, I am getting used to my Maria job. After I woke up, I packed my brother's lunch, did the laundry, and cleaned the house. After this, I'd be preparing his dinner for tonight. The sun's shining really brightly, so if my body has any energy left, I may just go for a swim. Wendy and I have a hotel room booked, so we don't have to worry about taking a cab home after tonight's dinner. So, I'd be checking in later in the afternoon, followed by a facial, and then off to dinner. Will be seeing all my ex-colleagues again.. :)
Yeah! Mum just called from Canada. Glad to hear her voice. She's having a nice time.. said she played with snow, took lots of pictures, and is now shopping at some place.. Said she bought me a pair of Nine West sandals.. How sweet of her. It's the same when I go travelling.. I end up buying things for others! Chip of the old block! Sigh... I really do miss her. I won't see her til next year after I get back from Sydney... Wow!
Two friends of mine are really happy now. In my head, I can see their shy smiles and glowing faces. It warms my heart to know they are both enjoying themselves and having a good time. Whenever I think about them, I smile too. I wish I could give both of them a hug right now and tell them - hey, I'm happy to share in your happiness. I really am. :)
26 November 2003
A good public holiday...
I guess I can never understand how some people can laze at home the whole day. Somehow, when I do that, I feel depressed... So, yesterday, I was glad I started out my day early. Met Wendy for rollerblading at 9.30am, and worked out a good sweat for two hours. I guess we could have bladed some more cos when we talk and blade at the same time, time just passes so easily. But the dark clouds hovered over us, and before we could even ungear ourselves, drops of rain fell on us. When the rain eased a little, we made our way to the nearby Ya Kun coffeeshop where Wendy had her third cup of coffee for the day... I think she should have a share at Ya Kun!
We went home after that. I had a nice warm shower, followed by a hearty lunch... then we met again and headed for Raffles City. She had her hair coloured and trimmed, while I roamed about for a while... Grace joined us a little while later. The place was just too crowded, so we decided to head home. Grace's eyes are still sore.. They are irritating her. The doctor tells her it's cos of accummulated dust. I think otherwise. I tell her it's the accummulated sex pages she's been reading on Cosmopolitan... :) Tsk.. tsk...
Wendy came over to my place, and I cooked her risotto. She said it was nice. :) It was supposed to be a mushroom recipe, but I added in black pepper sausages and bacon... Being a chilli addict, she stirred in sambal belacan herself.. She says it's fusion food! We talked and gossiped over dinner... it was really good... Time with Wendy... :)
After she left, I caught my favourite show on TV - Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. In short - man rapes girl; girl kills herself; girl father finds out; police cannot find enough evidence to convict rapist; father kills rapist - and guess what? Father gets jailed for murder! Man! And you thought life couldn't get more complicated...
My mum sent me an email. She's having a swell time at Canada. She said she ate frozen durians - had to heat it up in the microwave before eating them. But she said it was the best durian she's eaten for a while... She was having gelato ice cream too.. Hmmm.. and she told me she was going there to lose weight? I don't think so...!
Today, I'm attending the second half of the Macromedia Authorware course. I sat through the lesson on Monday without any idea what I was doing. I was just following the instructions of the tutor blindly. Today, I think I will do the same. I can't wait for this to end. I'd rather be swimming or rollerblading or doing the website for the Jesuits. Counting down... Seven more hours to go...
Alright, the lesson has started.. You take care, and have a good day! Catch up will all of you sometime soon!
We went home after that. I had a nice warm shower, followed by a hearty lunch... then we met again and headed for Raffles City. She had her hair coloured and trimmed, while I roamed about for a while... Grace joined us a little while later. The place was just too crowded, so we decided to head home. Grace's eyes are still sore.. They are irritating her. The doctor tells her it's cos of accummulated dust. I think otherwise. I tell her it's the accummulated sex pages she's been reading on Cosmopolitan... :) Tsk.. tsk...
Wendy came over to my place, and I cooked her risotto. She said it was nice. :) It was supposed to be a mushroom recipe, but I added in black pepper sausages and bacon... Being a chilli addict, she stirred in sambal belacan herself.. She says it's fusion food! We talked and gossiped over dinner... it was really good... Time with Wendy... :)
After she left, I caught my favourite show on TV - Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. In short - man rapes girl; girl kills herself; girl father finds out; police cannot find enough evidence to convict rapist; father kills rapist - and guess what? Father gets jailed for murder! Man! And you thought life couldn't get more complicated...
My mum sent me an email. She's having a swell time at Canada. She said she ate frozen durians - had to heat it up in the microwave before eating them. But she said it was the best durian she's eaten for a while... She was having gelato ice cream too.. Hmmm.. and she told me she was going there to lose weight? I don't think so...!
Today, I'm attending the second half of the Macromedia Authorware course. I sat through the lesson on Monday without any idea what I was doing. I was just following the instructions of the tutor blindly. Today, I think I will do the same. I can't wait for this to end. I'd rather be swimming or rollerblading or doing the website for the Jesuits. Counting down... Seven more hours to go...
Alright, the lesson has started.. You take care, and have a good day! Catch up will all of you sometime soon!
23 November 2003
My first salsa class
I finally plucked up enough courage to sign myself up for salsa classes. Well, I did so only cos Grace and Wendy promised to go for the classes too. So, today, when Wendy sent me an SMS to say she couldn't go, I had ready a million and one reasons why I shouldn't go for the class. Grace had sent me a message the previous night to say she had sore eyes. I had a feeling she couldn't make it too. Thoughts ran through my head - I'd be alone, I'd be a klutz, I'd be totally lost... I started to imagine a class full of young people with solid bods dancing in beat while I struggled with remembering the steps. But I took a deep breath, and I told myself - NO! I have to go for it!
Wendy could make it for the class at the last minute - hurray! But as expected, Grace couldn't. She gave us a lift to the dance studio and told us to have fun... And fun we did have! Max told us earlier that footwear for salsa classes was heels with straps, so there we went, with three-inch heels. Guess what? We were the only ones with those heels! Everyone else were in flats! I felt cheated at first, but I soon realised that it was much easier to do the twists and turns with heels.. You look much more graceful too! My classmate from junior college was supposed to be the instructor, but she couldn't make it today. So, her dance partner taught us instead. He was really good at leading. I made it a point to partner him always during the class cos with him leading so well, I don't really need to remember the steps! Ha!! I had a fun time even though at some points, I was really a klutz... Even got the instructor amused! What the hell! I am there to learn, right?!! Now, Wendy and I can't wait for the next lesson, and maybe even go to some place to practise the steps we just learnt. Salsa anyone?
My mum left for Canada yesterday. I'm beginning to miss her already. Last night, before I slept, I felt something missing - her presence. She'd usually come back from work to tell me what happened at work. She'd relate everything - from what she did, what she said, who she saw... it was almost a ritual. I used to call it the "10 o'clock news". Last night, there wasn't any news. There was silence instead.
Mum not being around means I am 'Acting Domestic Minister' - i.e. acting full-time Maria, but with spending power. Yesterday, while most of my friends were out on hot dates or holiday, I was at Carrefour comparing prices of butterhead lettuce and pushing my way through a crowd of mostly aunties and uncles in less fasionable wear. I left Carrefour with four big bags of groceries, and the call of the durian seller ringing in my ears.. "Lai liew lian liew lian.. mai yi song yi... lai liew lian liew lian..."
Today, after dance class, I continued my grocery shopping at NTUC. After not cooking for so long (thanks to NIE!), I was suddenly at a loss of what to cook for my brother for dinner for the coming week. I finally settled on an Italian menu of pasta with snow peas and black pepper sausages, and maybe a side dish of baked potatoes... I think my brother will love that. It's time for me to experiment on all those recipes again! Tuesday, I will be cooking risotto for Wendy too.. Maybe make lagsana.. how about grilled bell peppers, aubergine and mushroom, laced with balsamic vinegar and herbs? Hmm... the cook in me is alive!!
As I sit here typing away, I feel happy. Happy that I went for the salsa class, happy that Wendy went with me, happy that my brother's in a better mood, happy that a friend of mine is happy, and happy that I have come to terms with my emotions with Mark. I think it helped that he kept his word about keeping the friendship as it was. Hugs to him for that!
It's time for me to work on the project I have been putting off - the website for the Jesuits. Fr Heng just called me - it's a sign for me to start on the work - OK, Deborah... stop procastinating and start working!! When I complete the project, I'll invite you all for a visit at the website ok? :)
Before I leave you, I'd like to share with you an email from Grace 1. In the email, she said, I wonder you know, why God plopped me into ur life and vice versa. I wanna ask him wat kinda plans he has in store for us? I wondered too. We have not met since we left secondary school. What reason was there that we should meet all of a sudden? Like her, I think God had a plan, and like her, I wished I knew what it was. But that is the way life is sometimes. We are faced with uncertainties and mysteries. We do not always understand. But amidst the current mystery, I am thankful. Thankful that God plopped her into my life. There must be a reason, Grace. We don't have to know what it is at the moment. We just have to enjoy the continuation of our friendship now. Thanks for re-visiting my life again! :)
And to all my muslim friends... Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri!!
Wendy could make it for the class at the last minute - hurray! But as expected, Grace couldn't. She gave us a lift to the dance studio and told us to have fun... And fun we did have! Max told us earlier that footwear for salsa classes was heels with straps, so there we went, with three-inch heels. Guess what? We were the only ones with those heels! Everyone else were in flats! I felt cheated at first, but I soon realised that it was much easier to do the twists and turns with heels.. You look much more graceful too! My classmate from junior college was supposed to be the instructor, but she couldn't make it today. So, her dance partner taught us instead. He was really good at leading. I made it a point to partner him always during the class cos with him leading so well, I don't really need to remember the steps! Ha!! I had a fun time even though at some points, I was really a klutz... Even got the instructor amused! What the hell! I am there to learn, right?!! Now, Wendy and I can't wait for the next lesson, and maybe even go to some place to practise the steps we just learnt. Salsa anyone?
My mum left for Canada yesterday. I'm beginning to miss her already. Last night, before I slept, I felt something missing - her presence. She'd usually come back from work to tell me what happened at work. She'd relate everything - from what she did, what she said, who she saw... it was almost a ritual. I used to call it the "10 o'clock news". Last night, there wasn't any news. There was silence instead.
Mum not being around means I am 'Acting Domestic Minister' - i.e. acting full-time Maria, but with spending power. Yesterday, while most of my friends were out on hot dates or holiday, I was at Carrefour comparing prices of butterhead lettuce and pushing my way through a crowd of mostly aunties and uncles in less fasionable wear. I left Carrefour with four big bags of groceries, and the call of the durian seller ringing in my ears.. "Lai liew lian liew lian.. mai yi song yi... lai liew lian liew lian..."
Today, after dance class, I continued my grocery shopping at NTUC. After not cooking for so long (thanks to NIE!), I was suddenly at a loss of what to cook for my brother for dinner for the coming week. I finally settled on an Italian menu of pasta with snow peas and black pepper sausages, and maybe a side dish of baked potatoes... I think my brother will love that. It's time for me to experiment on all those recipes again! Tuesday, I will be cooking risotto for Wendy too.. Maybe make lagsana.. how about grilled bell peppers, aubergine and mushroom, laced with balsamic vinegar and herbs? Hmm... the cook in me is alive!!
As I sit here typing away, I feel happy. Happy that I went for the salsa class, happy that Wendy went with me, happy that my brother's in a better mood, happy that a friend of mine is happy, and happy that I have come to terms with my emotions with Mark. I think it helped that he kept his word about keeping the friendship as it was. Hugs to him for that!
It's time for me to work on the project I have been putting off - the website for the Jesuits. Fr Heng just called me - it's a sign for me to start on the work - OK, Deborah... stop procastinating and start working!! When I complete the project, I'll invite you all for a visit at the website ok? :)
Before I leave you, I'd like to share with you an email from Grace 1. In the email, she said, I wonder you know, why God plopped me into ur life and vice versa. I wanna ask him wat kinda plans he has in store for us? I wondered too. We have not met since we left secondary school. What reason was there that we should meet all of a sudden? Like her, I think God had a plan, and like her, I wished I knew what it was. But that is the way life is sometimes. We are faced with uncertainties and mysteries. We do not always understand. But amidst the current mystery, I am thankful. Thankful that God plopped her into my life. There must be a reason, Grace. We don't have to know what it is at the moment. We just have to enjoy the continuation of our friendship now. Thanks for re-visiting my life again! :)
And to all my muslim friends... Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri!!
21 November 2003
Happy Day
I have not laughed so much for such a long time. I was celebrating my 28th year on earth with a whole bunch of close friends, each whom I have met along life's journey - from primary school right up til NIE - and of course, my mum, brother, cousin and her husband. With good food, and a good sense of humour and wit, we all had a fun time just joking and laughing and reminiscing over good old times... My mum even had a DJ call me so that all of us could be heard on national air! Thanks, you guys, for making my birthday special... and for the rest of you for all your kind wishes, emails and SMSes.. You all really made me feel so loved and special. :)
I spent the day with Pris yesterday. We were supposed to swim to burn up all the cake and fried food we ate the day before, but alas, the weather had to spoil our plans - it rained! And so, we went window shopping and ate instead! For some strange reason, I kept thinking chocolate cake, and so came back home to finish up the remaining one third of my birthday cake. Today, I feel a tonne heavier. It's time to exercise again...
Next month, I'd be going for another blood test to check on my cholesterol level. I can picture my doctor frowning on the results. I can picture him shaking his head in disappointment. I can picture him asking me "What have you been eating, Deborah? What did I tell you about all those food...?" And I can picture myself lowering my head in guilt and shame... I think I will be a good girl from now on... Salad, here I come again!
I think I am beginning to feel better about Mark. He sent me an SMS on my birthday. It read "Happy B'day! I didn't forget this year!" Ah yes. For once, he didn't. It always slips his mind year after year, but this year, he remembered. I was touched. That was an indication to me that he's keeping his word about keeping the friendship as it is. I respect him for that. And it made me feel happy. It helps to know that at least I still have the friendship.
My mum will be leaving for Canada tomorrow. So, today will be day out with mum. She wants to do a massage, and has asked me to join her... How can you say no to that, right? When mum leaves, Deb will take over as Maria... Dread... I've cut my fingernails short in anticipation of the housework and cleaning I have to do. Can't wait for Sydney!!
A friend of mine has been feeling down lately. She doesn't know what's on her mind, or what's troubling her. She feels a sense of loss, helplessness, and confusion. She thinks she's being a coward in not being able to face her troubles. She thinks it's all her. I worry for her when she gets like this. I think she's being too hard on herself. I think she should realise that she cannot be all things to all people. I think she's a beautiful person who has yet to realise the true beauty in her character. I hope she feels better soon. I hope to see her smile from within again. I feel sad when my friends are sad...
Feel better soon, OK, my friend? :)
I spent the day with Pris yesterday. We were supposed to swim to burn up all the cake and fried food we ate the day before, but alas, the weather had to spoil our plans - it rained! And so, we went window shopping and ate instead! For some strange reason, I kept thinking chocolate cake, and so came back home to finish up the remaining one third of my birthday cake. Today, I feel a tonne heavier. It's time to exercise again...
Next month, I'd be going for another blood test to check on my cholesterol level. I can picture my doctor frowning on the results. I can picture him shaking his head in disappointment. I can picture him asking me "What have you been eating, Deborah? What did I tell you about all those food...?" And I can picture myself lowering my head in guilt and shame... I think I will be a good girl from now on... Salad, here I come again!
I think I am beginning to feel better about Mark. He sent me an SMS on my birthday. It read "Happy B'day! I didn't forget this year!" Ah yes. For once, he didn't. It always slips his mind year after year, but this year, he remembered. I was touched. That was an indication to me that he's keeping his word about keeping the friendship as it is. I respect him for that. And it made me feel happy. It helps to know that at least I still have the friendship.
My mum will be leaving for Canada tomorrow. So, today will be day out with mum. She wants to do a massage, and has asked me to join her... How can you say no to that, right? When mum leaves, Deb will take over as Maria... Dread... I've cut my fingernails short in anticipation of the housework and cleaning I have to do. Can't wait for Sydney!!
A friend of mine has been feeling down lately. She doesn't know what's on her mind, or what's troubling her. She feels a sense of loss, helplessness, and confusion. She thinks she's being a coward in not being able to face her troubles. She thinks it's all her. I worry for her when she gets like this. I think she's being too hard on herself. I think she should realise that she cannot be all things to all people. I think she's a beautiful person who has yet to realise the true beauty in her character. I hope she feels better soon. I hope to see her smile from within again. I feel sad when my friends are sad...
Feel better soon, OK, my friend? :)
19 November 2003
A moment with God
I went for evening Mass yesterday. I was feeling down, and I just felt that a quiet moment with God would help. I guess it really did.
I went to church early, and sat by the grotto. I looked at the statue of our lady, and I broke down in tears. I just cried and cried and cried. I asked God why was I feeling so much pain, why was it so difficult to let go, why do I have to feel so strongly for someone if it was never meant to be. I told God that if this was the way my life should be, then give me strength, give me patience. Give me wisdom that I may see His ways.
I enjoyed the moment I had speaking to the Big guy above. I feel he always listens. I feel a sense of comfort. And though he doesn't talk much, he does make me feel all better somehow.
Two days back, I contemplated as to whether I should invite Mark to today's dinner. All my close friends will be here. Should I? Shouldn't I? I almost decided not to when my mum asked me twice if Mark was coming. I thought that was a sign. So, with much apprehension, I sent him an SMS, inviting him for today's dinner. He didn't reply. I wondered if he was keeping his word in saying that he won't let what I had revealed to him affect the friendship. I wondered if I had done something wrong. I wondered if he thought me a pain... I wondered.
I tried to shrug the whole matter off. I told myself, forget it. It's OK. He needs the time. He needs the space. I should respect his decision. And though the brain rationalises it all so well, the heart somehow decides to react otherwise. I couldn't help but feel down.
But yesterday during Mass, he finally replied to the sms. No, he won't be coming cos he's got some other appointment. He apologised for the late reply. It's OK, I said. It's really OK. Maybe both of us really need time for a while before things can get back to normal. At least he's keeping his word on keeping the friendship. I guess I can't ask for anything more than that.
I will start the morning of my 28th year with a quiet moment with the God again - to thank him for the many blessings He has bestowed on me, especially my family and friends.
A moment with God... Peace. Silence. Serenity.
I went to church early, and sat by the grotto. I looked at the statue of our lady, and I broke down in tears. I just cried and cried and cried. I asked God why was I feeling so much pain, why was it so difficult to let go, why do I have to feel so strongly for someone if it was never meant to be. I told God that if this was the way my life should be, then give me strength, give me patience. Give me wisdom that I may see His ways.
I enjoyed the moment I had speaking to the Big guy above. I feel he always listens. I feel a sense of comfort. And though he doesn't talk much, he does make me feel all better somehow.
Two days back, I contemplated as to whether I should invite Mark to today's dinner. All my close friends will be here. Should I? Shouldn't I? I almost decided not to when my mum asked me twice if Mark was coming. I thought that was a sign. So, with much apprehension, I sent him an SMS, inviting him for today's dinner. He didn't reply. I wondered if he was keeping his word in saying that he won't let what I had revealed to him affect the friendship. I wondered if I had done something wrong. I wondered if he thought me a pain... I wondered.
I tried to shrug the whole matter off. I told myself, forget it. It's OK. He needs the time. He needs the space. I should respect his decision. And though the brain rationalises it all so well, the heart somehow decides to react otherwise. I couldn't help but feel down.
But yesterday during Mass, he finally replied to the sms. No, he won't be coming cos he's got some other appointment. He apologised for the late reply. It's OK, I said. It's really OK. Maybe both of us really need time for a while before things can get back to normal. At least he's keeping his word on keeping the friendship. I guess I can't ask for anything more than that.
I will start the morning of my 28th year with a quiet moment with the God again - to thank him for the many blessings He has bestowed on me, especially my family and friends.
A moment with God... Peace. Silence. Serenity.
17 November 2003
Keeping busy
I have been kept busy these few days with lots of activities. Yesterday, I went to the Gold 90 FM Concert in the Park at Fort Canning with my mum, Grace and Wendy. By the time I got back, it was close to 11pm. I quite enjoyed myself listening to all the old songs, especially the standards... I had to go on stage cos my birthday happens to fall in November. There was a whole group of us, and we were "saboed" into leading the chicken dance! I had fun though... Once in a lifetime chance of doing the dance in front of a large crowd.. I mean, how often do you get to do that, right?!
This morning, I met Chen Ying and Pamela. We went to Sentosa to rollerblade. They lied to me. They said they weren't good at blading. Man! They were my slave masters! There was this stretch of road that was really uneven, and they just bladed as though it was nothing! And there I was, like a total klutz, with hands waving in the air, trying to gain my balance. At the end of the two hours, I looked a total mess. But I am thankful to them. Without them pushing me on, I don't think I would have bladed that much. It brings me to think - sometimes, you have to be pushed beyond your comfort zone to know what you can do. Hey Chen Ying and Pam - thanks!
Tomorrow, I'm gonna meet my dad for tea. He sent me an SMS this morning, and asked if I were free to meet tomorrow. How nice. It's been a long while since we met.. There must be lots to catch up on. Am looking forward to that...
Wednesday, I'd be dropping by NUS to catch up with my former colleagues. Then in the evening, I have a whole bunch of people coming down to my home. Mum's cooking mee siam and other stuff... Big feast again!
Thursday is day out with Pris... Friday is salsa day... Mum's flying off on Saturday... Lessons on salsa again on Sunday... I couldn't make it yesterday for the first salsa class, so my friend Fi - who is the instructor, sent me an sms to ask me to come down earlier next week for "make-up lesson"... Wow! Really keeping busy!
In a way, all these things are keeping my mind off Mark. In a way, I think it's good, but I don't think it's a long-term solution. I know I have to deal with the emotions in me, and learn to control them. I still think about Mark once in a while, and wonder if I had indeed spoilt the friendship. Sometimes, I sink into the "Am I not good enough?" mode. And once in a while, I wonder if I will ever love again. But I think of what Uncle J said to me. I take a deep breath, and I look ahead. I take courage in what he said, and it gives me strength. I know it's not me. It's just that the time is not right.
As the year draws to an end, I think back and reflect about what happened this year, and I think in all, it has been a humbling experience. I used to think I was a supergirl, that I could do it all, that I had infinite strength, and that time was always on my side. I didn't know what "no" was. Now, it's a different story. Ever since I was admitted to the hospital for viral fever, I have learnt to realise that I am no super woman. I get sick more often now, as my resistance is lower. I learn to step back and do less. I learn to expect less of others too. I used to be the one giving advice to all around me, telling them what to do, what not to do. Now, I find the roles reversed. I feel vulnerable when it comes to matters of the heart. I don't know what to do, how to react. And I find my friends around me telling me what to do, giving me advice, lending their support.
It takes a lot for one to admit that one is weak at something, especially when one has been doing well in almost all aspects of her life. I have learnt to understand what it means to fail. I have learnt to understand that failing is OK. And what matters is that I pick myself up again.
I used to avoid doing things that I am weak at. It's an ego thing. But now, I know that's just running away from it all. Wendy told me once that's just the "perfectionist" self in me at play. I think I have to agree with her. Sometimes, I feel that everything in my life has to be so perfect, that I expect myself to be perfect too. And that sometimes means avoiding things that make me less perfect. But I have learnt that I do not grow when I do this. I have to learn... And so, I swallow my pride, and learn to laugh at myself these few days. I laugh when I am a klutz at rollerblading, salsa, tennis, Mandarin.... those are all just my weaknesses, waiting to be improved on. Sure, I may not be an expert at all of these even after many tries, but at least I overcome my fear of failing, and push myself and give myself a chance to be as good as I can be.
I may not be perfect, but I am me.
This morning, I met Chen Ying and Pamela. We went to Sentosa to rollerblade. They lied to me. They said they weren't good at blading. Man! They were my slave masters! There was this stretch of road that was really uneven, and they just bladed as though it was nothing! And there I was, like a total klutz, with hands waving in the air, trying to gain my balance. At the end of the two hours, I looked a total mess. But I am thankful to them. Without them pushing me on, I don't think I would have bladed that much. It brings me to think - sometimes, you have to be pushed beyond your comfort zone to know what you can do. Hey Chen Ying and Pam - thanks!
Tomorrow, I'm gonna meet my dad for tea. He sent me an SMS this morning, and asked if I were free to meet tomorrow. How nice. It's been a long while since we met.. There must be lots to catch up on. Am looking forward to that...
Wednesday, I'd be dropping by NUS to catch up with my former colleagues. Then in the evening, I have a whole bunch of people coming down to my home. Mum's cooking mee siam and other stuff... Big feast again!
Thursday is day out with Pris... Friday is salsa day... Mum's flying off on Saturday... Lessons on salsa again on Sunday... I couldn't make it yesterday for the first salsa class, so my friend Fi - who is the instructor, sent me an sms to ask me to come down earlier next week for "make-up lesson"... Wow! Really keeping busy!
In a way, all these things are keeping my mind off Mark. In a way, I think it's good, but I don't think it's a long-term solution. I know I have to deal with the emotions in me, and learn to control them. I still think about Mark once in a while, and wonder if I had indeed spoilt the friendship. Sometimes, I sink into the "Am I not good enough?" mode. And once in a while, I wonder if I will ever love again. But I think of what Uncle J said to me. I take a deep breath, and I look ahead. I take courage in what he said, and it gives me strength. I know it's not me. It's just that the time is not right.
As the year draws to an end, I think back and reflect about what happened this year, and I think in all, it has been a humbling experience. I used to think I was a supergirl, that I could do it all, that I had infinite strength, and that time was always on my side. I didn't know what "no" was. Now, it's a different story. Ever since I was admitted to the hospital for viral fever, I have learnt to realise that I am no super woman. I get sick more often now, as my resistance is lower. I learn to step back and do less. I learn to expect less of others too. I used to be the one giving advice to all around me, telling them what to do, what not to do. Now, I find the roles reversed. I feel vulnerable when it comes to matters of the heart. I don't know what to do, how to react. And I find my friends around me telling me what to do, giving me advice, lending their support.
It takes a lot for one to admit that one is weak at something, especially when one has been doing well in almost all aspects of her life. I have learnt to understand what it means to fail. I have learnt to understand that failing is OK. And what matters is that I pick myself up again.
I used to avoid doing things that I am weak at. It's an ego thing. But now, I know that's just running away from it all. Wendy told me once that's just the "perfectionist" self in me at play. I think I have to agree with her. Sometimes, I feel that everything in my life has to be so perfect, that I expect myself to be perfect too. And that sometimes means avoiding things that make me less perfect. But I have learnt that I do not grow when I do this. I have to learn... And so, I swallow my pride, and learn to laugh at myself these few days. I laugh when I am a klutz at rollerblading, salsa, tennis, Mandarin.... those are all just my weaknesses, waiting to be improved on. Sure, I may not be an expert at all of these even after many tries, but at least I overcome my fear of failing, and push myself and give myself a chance to be as good as I can be.
I may not be perfect, but I am me.
15 November 2003
I am Loved
I am a believer that all things happen for a reason, and my experience with Mark has shown me something I had overlooked - the fact that I am loved. I am loved by all of you, my friends, and my family. And I should be more than thankful for that.
Magdalene sent me an msn after she read the blog the day before. It said, you're a cheerful and enthusiatic person and one day you will find that someone special. Take care okie? Hugs......
Ian called me up to see how I was even though he himself is just as bad a situation as I'm in.
And other messages and emails came pouring in.
Wendy called me often to check if I were OK. Pris left a beautiful message on the blog. All these brought tears to my eyes. I treasure every single word all of you have left me, to comfort me, and to make me feel better.
I went out with Wendy, Grace and Pamela to watch Hossan LIVE yesterday. We decided to go to the Esplanade after the show to just sit and talk. We eventually came to the topic of men. I could sense that Wendy and Grace felt uneasy, wondering if I'd be OK. I'm glad that I was OK about it. I told them exactly what happened, and I tried to look at the bright side of things. I was glad I didn't cry again. Maybe I'm on the road to recovery.
Grace stayed over at my place last night. I had a good talk with her. I told her that the most hurtful part was not being given a chance. I was also afraid that I had hurt the frienship. That, I felt, was worse than not being given the chance. I knew things would all be for the better at the end of it all, but I was wondering if things with Mark would be back to where it was before - will it be better, will it be worse? Only time will tell.
Uncle Joel sent me a beautiful email this morning - part of it read: What I do want to say is that it's not about you. You are one of the dearest people I know, a good heart and a caring soul. And absolutely deserving of love and happiness. This situation now only means your time has not arrived. Believe absolutely that it will. I do.
The message brought tears to my eyes again. It was as though Uncle J knew what I was thinking all these while at the back of my head "Is it me?". I agree with him - perhaps my time has not arrived yet.
My other friend Grace 1 said something that put things into perspective. She said - Life is like a fast food drive thru. We make our orders to God, but have to wait for our "burgers" to be ready. Mine's a special order. That's why I have to wait longer. She told me "Don't drive off too soon, Deb, or when your burger's ready, you won't be there to collect your special order."
Perhaps I do get hungry once in a while, and am tempted to give up and just drive off. Sometimes, I just get tired and impatient. But with the thought that even God loves me that much to take time to make me my special order, shouldn't I be ever more patient?
So I guess at the end of the day, I should realise that although Mark doesn't love me the way I'd like him to, I need to learn and know that I am still loved in more ways than one. And for that, I should be thankful.
To all of you - you know who you are - thank you for loving me. You have given me strength and courage and confidence to stand up again. I love you too! :)
Magdalene sent me an msn after she read the blog the day before. It said, you're a cheerful and enthusiatic person and one day you will find that someone special. Take care okie? Hugs......
Ian called me up to see how I was even though he himself is just as bad a situation as I'm in.
And other messages and emails came pouring in.
Wendy called me often to check if I were OK. Pris left a beautiful message on the blog. All these brought tears to my eyes. I treasure every single word all of you have left me, to comfort me, and to make me feel better.
I went out with Wendy, Grace and Pamela to watch Hossan LIVE yesterday. We decided to go to the Esplanade after the show to just sit and talk. We eventually came to the topic of men. I could sense that Wendy and Grace felt uneasy, wondering if I'd be OK. I'm glad that I was OK about it. I told them exactly what happened, and I tried to look at the bright side of things. I was glad I didn't cry again. Maybe I'm on the road to recovery.
Grace stayed over at my place last night. I had a good talk with her. I told her that the most hurtful part was not being given a chance. I was also afraid that I had hurt the frienship. That, I felt, was worse than not being given the chance. I knew things would all be for the better at the end of it all, but I was wondering if things with Mark would be back to where it was before - will it be better, will it be worse? Only time will tell.
Uncle Joel sent me a beautiful email this morning - part of it read: What I do want to say is that it's not about you. You are one of the dearest people I know, a good heart and a caring soul. And absolutely deserving of love and happiness. This situation now only means your time has not arrived. Believe absolutely that it will. I do.
The message brought tears to my eyes again. It was as though Uncle J knew what I was thinking all these while at the back of my head "Is it me?". I agree with him - perhaps my time has not arrived yet.
My other friend Grace 1 said something that put things into perspective. She said - Life is like a fast food drive thru. We make our orders to God, but have to wait for our "burgers" to be ready. Mine's a special order. That's why I have to wait longer. She told me "Don't drive off too soon, Deb, or when your burger's ready, you won't be there to collect your special order."
Perhaps I do get hungry once in a while, and am tempted to give up and just drive off. Sometimes, I just get tired and impatient. But with the thought that even God loves me that much to take time to make me my special order, shouldn't I be ever more patient?
So I guess at the end of the day, I should realise that although Mark doesn't love me the way I'd like him to, I need to learn and know that I am still loved in more ways than one. And for that, I should be thankful.
To all of you - you know who you are - thank you for loving me. You have given me strength and courage and confidence to stand up again. I love you too! :)
13 November 2003
Mission Completed
I have not cried so much for the longest time. This morning my eyes resemble that of any goldfish. I think the tear glands have been overworked. The heart feels sore, as though in quiet pain. The head tries to take over by rationalizing. I try to put on a brave front. But deep in me, I feel like I'm in shreds.
As you would have guessed by now, the feelings were not mutual. It took a lot out of me to finally tell him "I think I still like you". He wasn't surprised. He said he expected it. He said I wasn't the first of his many female friends to tell him. He said he always saw us as friends, and that there was no possibility of going beyond that. He said don't worry, the friendship will not be spoilt. He said good for me that I finally said it all out after so long.
I tried not to cry as I heard those words. But I couldn't control myself. I knew it was coming, but I gathered all the courage I could to finally say it. I kept saying in my head "stop being a chicken" as I stumbled on how was the best way to let him know how I felt all these while. I was finally proud I did it. But the hard truth hurts.
He was kind enough to let me sob as he sat in front of me. He kept saying "Deborah, Deborah", probably his way of saying "it's OK". He was calm and cool about it, and I admired him for that.
In the car on the way back, we spoke like nothing had happened. In a way, I was glad that he didn't let it affect the friendship. I may not have gained a relationship, but at least I was able to keep the friendship. And for that, I should be thankful.
I kept Wendy awake til 2am this morning - thanks, Wendy... She let me pour out my thoughts and tears. She tried to make me feel better with comforting words. She tried to let me see the positive side of things. She felt relieved for me. She asked me to stop asking myself questions - questions like "Why me?" "Is it me?" "What's so wrong with me?" "Am I that bad?". Questions that question my self-confidence and self-esteem. Deep in me, I know she's right.
I soaked up a good stack of tissue. I couldn't quite comprehend why I was crying so much. Maybe it's relief, maybe it's hurt. Maybe it's a mixture of both. Maybe it's a sense of loss, maybe it's because I was thinking if cupid will ever strike his arrow on me.
I told Wendy I'm tired. I'm tired of having to have this fragile heart of mine broken time and again. It feels shattered, and I feel that I've got to have a lifetime of glue to stick it back to together again. I don't know how much longer I am able to do this over and over again. It's tiring.
I woke up this morning and looked out of the window. The grounds were wet, but the sun was beginning to rise. The skies must have cried together with me as I went to sleep. The sun is shining brightly now - maybe I should be like it. Looking at the positive side of things, at least I know if I die today, I know I've let Mark know how I felt. At least I still have the friendship which I treasure so much. At least I can move on with life, leaving behind the thought of "what if". At least I know how I should treat Mark from now on. I can see our beautiful friendship continuing to grow as I now know there is nothing between us. Perhaps it's all for the better.
For all that has happened, I know the Big Guy above has some plans for me. I know the road I should take will not be an easy one, but it's comforting to know that as I journey through my life, I have friends, family and the good Lord above to give me strength and comfort. For that, I am thankful.
My brother came into my room last night when I was on the line with Wendy. He saw me crying uncontrollably. He brought me my two teddy bears to hug, and rubbed my head - his way of saying "It's OK - Your brother still loves you". To my dear brother, Wendy, Pris, Ian, Grace, Addie, Juliana and all of you out there who have been giving me your encouragement and support - thanks. As I try to get on with my life and see what I can learn from this experience, I know I can count on all of you for moral support.
I still love Mark now - though maybe in a much different way.
Wendy's right. I feel a sense of relief now.
As you would have guessed by now, the feelings were not mutual. It took a lot out of me to finally tell him "I think I still like you". He wasn't surprised. He said he expected it. He said I wasn't the first of his many female friends to tell him. He said he always saw us as friends, and that there was no possibility of going beyond that. He said don't worry, the friendship will not be spoilt. He said good for me that I finally said it all out after so long.
I tried not to cry as I heard those words. But I couldn't control myself. I knew it was coming, but I gathered all the courage I could to finally say it. I kept saying in my head "stop being a chicken" as I stumbled on how was the best way to let him know how I felt all these while. I was finally proud I did it. But the hard truth hurts.
He was kind enough to let me sob as he sat in front of me. He kept saying "Deborah, Deborah", probably his way of saying "it's OK". He was calm and cool about it, and I admired him for that.
In the car on the way back, we spoke like nothing had happened. In a way, I was glad that he didn't let it affect the friendship. I may not have gained a relationship, but at least I was able to keep the friendship. And for that, I should be thankful.
I kept Wendy awake til 2am this morning - thanks, Wendy... She let me pour out my thoughts and tears. She tried to make me feel better with comforting words. She tried to let me see the positive side of things. She felt relieved for me. She asked me to stop asking myself questions - questions like "Why me?" "Is it me?" "What's so wrong with me?" "Am I that bad?". Questions that question my self-confidence and self-esteem. Deep in me, I know she's right.
I soaked up a good stack of tissue. I couldn't quite comprehend why I was crying so much. Maybe it's relief, maybe it's hurt. Maybe it's a mixture of both. Maybe it's a sense of loss, maybe it's because I was thinking if cupid will ever strike his arrow on me.
I told Wendy I'm tired. I'm tired of having to have this fragile heart of mine broken time and again. It feels shattered, and I feel that I've got to have a lifetime of glue to stick it back to together again. I don't know how much longer I am able to do this over and over again. It's tiring.
I woke up this morning and looked out of the window. The grounds were wet, but the sun was beginning to rise. The skies must have cried together with me as I went to sleep. The sun is shining brightly now - maybe I should be like it. Looking at the positive side of things, at least I know if I die today, I know I've let Mark know how I felt. At least I still have the friendship which I treasure so much. At least I can move on with life, leaving behind the thought of "what if". At least I know how I should treat Mark from now on. I can see our beautiful friendship continuing to grow as I now know there is nothing between us. Perhaps it's all for the better.
For all that has happened, I know the Big Guy above has some plans for me. I know the road I should take will not be an easy one, but it's comforting to know that as I journey through my life, I have friends, family and the good Lord above to give me strength and comfort. For that, I am thankful.
My brother came into my room last night when I was on the line with Wendy. He saw me crying uncontrollably. He brought me my two teddy bears to hug, and rubbed my head - his way of saying "It's OK - Your brother still loves you". To my dear brother, Wendy, Pris, Ian, Grace, Addie, Juliana and all of you out there who have been giving me your encouragement and support - thanks. As I try to get on with my life and see what I can learn from this experience, I know I can count on all of you for moral support.
I still love Mark now - though maybe in a much different way.
Wendy's right. I feel a sense of relief now.
11 November 2003
Time Out
For the first time in my life, I went to see a movie on my own yesterday. It was one of those days I just wanted to be alone. So I went to Tampines Mall, booked myself a ticket for Intolerable Cruelty, and watched the movie alone. I actually enjoyed it - but would have probably enjoyed it even more if not for the Ah Beng sitting two seats away from me who kept talking on his handphone and answering his smses as though the show wasn't on. Irritating!!!
I enjoyed the witty exchange of lines between Catherine Zeta Jones and George Clooney... poetry, lines from Shakespeare.. wa... One line that particularly struck me was when she said "It's funny that even after you've attained your goal" and he continues "you still do not feel satisfied". I think that's very true.
I mean, how many times have we said that "I'd be very happy if...." and when we get that if, we still don't feel that happy, and want even more? Take weight for one. I've known of people who said that they'd be happy if they were X weight. And when they reached that weight, they'd say X-1... and so on... Same with money. Same with love. Are we ever really happy? Which brings me to what I had mentioned in one of my earlier blogs - we never really appreciate what we have til we stop having it.
I wake up each morning these days, thanking God for the day. I try to make it a point to do so. I think that there are a million and one things in my life to be thankful for, and be happy about. I shouldn't take these things for granted. I take each day as a lesson from God, as though He's leading me in some sense.. It's like He's saying, "This is your lesson for today..." And what I experience, hear, read, see, and do with the people I meet is like the "practical" part of the lesson. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't - just like all lessons we have in school. The good part is that you can repeat your "exams" without having to pay your bond :)
And so I learn, day by day... Time alone is time for me to reflect on such things. Time for me to recollect. Time for me to see if I've been taking things for granted too much. Time for me to see if I've been too self-centred. Time for me to see if I've given more than received. And time for me to heal wounds that have not yet been healed. I hope you find such time for yourself too.
Tomorrow is THE day. I try not to think too much about it. My brother is egging me on. He says carpe diem. He says it's now or never. He says it's gonna be OK. Somehow, I think not. I think shut the gap. Hide it like you've always done. I think I'm gonna be disappointed. I think I'm gonna cry. I'm thinking - should I end the night with Mark tomorrow with joy or with tears. If I decide to say it all, what am I gonna say? Where should I start? What will he think? How will he react? A thousand thoughts are going through my head right now. I am actually asking myself if I am really going to tell him. Maybe not?
This is what I wrote among other things in one of my letters to God two years back... (OK, think me weird, huh?)
You know that I could never sacrifice this friendship for anything that could be. I mean if I had wanted to express how I feel to Mark, I had to be very sure myself of many things, that I really like him to the point of loving him unconditionally, that I am ready for a commitment, and that I can see myself living the rest of my life with him. I know it's kinda far-fetched.. but I'd rather not risk anything just to find out if there "could be". I love this friendship too much, and if anything changes, it has to be for the better.
Two years on, and I finally make my decision. Two years on and I feel more sure of how I really feel about Mark. Two years on and I still love this friendship, but I'm heading for a possibility of a "better". Two years on, and I am still afraid. Afraid that I may lose something I have always treasured.
Will I?
I enjoyed the witty exchange of lines between Catherine Zeta Jones and George Clooney... poetry, lines from Shakespeare.. wa... One line that particularly struck me was when she said "It's funny that even after you've attained your goal" and he continues "you still do not feel satisfied". I think that's very true.
I mean, how many times have we said that "I'd be very happy if...." and when we get that if, we still don't feel that happy, and want even more? Take weight for one. I've known of people who said that they'd be happy if they were X weight. And when they reached that weight, they'd say X-1... and so on... Same with money. Same with love. Are we ever really happy? Which brings me to what I had mentioned in one of my earlier blogs - we never really appreciate what we have til we stop having it.
I wake up each morning these days, thanking God for the day. I try to make it a point to do so. I think that there are a million and one things in my life to be thankful for, and be happy about. I shouldn't take these things for granted. I take each day as a lesson from God, as though He's leading me in some sense.. It's like He's saying, "This is your lesson for today..." And what I experience, hear, read, see, and do with the people I meet is like the "practical" part of the lesson. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't - just like all lessons we have in school. The good part is that you can repeat your "exams" without having to pay your bond :)
And so I learn, day by day... Time alone is time for me to reflect on such things. Time for me to recollect. Time for me to see if I've been taking things for granted too much. Time for me to see if I've been too self-centred. Time for me to see if I've given more than received. And time for me to heal wounds that have not yet been healed. I hope you find such time for yourself too.
Tomorrow is THE day. I try not to think too much about it. My brother is egging me on. He says carpe diem. He says it's now or never. He says it's gonna be OK. Somehow, I think not. I think shut the gap. Hide it like you've always done. I think I'm gonna be disappointed. I think I'm gonna cry. I'm thinking - should I end the night with Mark tomorrow with joy or with tears. If I decide to say it all, what am I gonna say? Where should I start? What will he think? How will he react? A thousand thoughts are going through my head right now. I am actually asking myself if I am really going to tell him. Maybe not?
This is what I wrote among other things in one of my letters to God two years back... (OK, think me weird, huh?)
You know that I could never sacrifice this friendship for anything that could be. I mean if I had wanted to express how I feel to Mark, I had to be very sure myself of many things, that I really like him to the point of loving him unconditionally, that I am ready for a commitment, and that I can see myself living the rest of my life with him. I know it's kinda far-fetched.. but I'd rather not risk anything just to find out if there "could be". I love this friendship too much, and if anything changes, it has to be for the better.
Two years on, and I finally make my decision. Two years on and I feel more sure of how I really feel about Mark. Two years on and I still love this friendship, but I'm heading for a possibility of a "better". Two years on, and I am still afraid. Afraid that I may lose something I have always treasured.
Will I?
10 November 2003
A Good Sunday
I had a wonderful Sunday. Started the day in the morning baking blueberry muffins... Fluffy golden brown blueberry muffins with walnuts. Served them to my mum and brother when they woke up. Then, I went to church with my brother, and got him his handphone after that.
My brother's in a shopping mood. He's a funny guy. Once or twice a year, usually coinciding with the school holidays, he will contribute to the economy of Singapore by buying what I call "gizmoz" stuff - all things computer and electrical.. Little gadgets, computer games, upgrade his computer, etc. He's recently on his shopping spree again. Bought himself a sleek PDA just last week, and yesterday, a handphone. He's happy with his new toys, and it warms my heart seeing him so happy. It's like seeing a contented little boy... so cute.
I met up with Priscilla for lunch too. We had garlic bagel and chocolate brownie. It was quite funny... You see, both of us love chocolate, especially if it's warm on a cake and oozing down. So when we ordered the brownie, we asked the man to heat it up for us "til the chocolate on top melts". So he did it.. I think he kinda overdid it. The chocolate didn't melt, but the brownie turned out hard like a cookie! After two bites, Pris and I conceded that it was just too hard to be called a brownie and requested for a change. The man was so nice.. he said "I think I'd heat it up at the normal timing". And there we had it.. nice warm brownie with oozing chocolate, which I scooped to spread on my garlic bagel. I also did the Priscilla-buy-one-tea-get-two-tea-instead stunt. Only I got three cups of tea instead. I ordered one cup of tea and asked for 2 cups of hot water. Dipped the tea bag in all three cups, and there you have it! Saved money for the 2 hours plus we sat there just talking and talking. As usual, it was good meeting up and just talking again. Too bad Lee Yee couldn't join us. Her grandmother just had an op. Hope she's OK..
Then I met Wendy for rollerblading. I was late cos she went there earlier. By the time I met her, she'd done 12 plus rounds of the park. I was demotivated. I gave all kinds of excuses. "Hey, dark clouds are hovering", "It's gonna rain", "My blades are heavy" "No, lah - you're tired after that 12 rounds.. you need rest". But Wendy decided to be my slave-driver. With an imaginery whip, she pushed me on. I told her that I was done after two rounds. She refused to listen. She wasn't very sympathetic to the apparent pain I had in my shin. She didn't look like she had done 12 rounds. I thought she must have gotten her energy from her waist-length hair. Mine's only shoulder-length. I wore a grouchy face, but deep in me, I was thankful she was pushing me on. Just as I was motivated to go on, big drops of rain came splashing down on us. It was pouring more than cats and dogs! We quickly made our way to the nearest sheltered area, which was the void deck of some nearby block of flats. We sat and talked til the rain stopped. I didn't manage to have a good workout, but I had a good time just spending time with Wendy again. :)
Had a nice warm bath when I came back home, and snuggled into bed in front of the TV while my brother's friends were in the living room supporting their favourite football team. Two friends came. One was a supporter of Man U (like my brother), and the other, a Liverpool fan. The Liverpool fan came "to laugh at these two Man U fans". Unfortunately, he didn't get the last laugh. Man U won Liverpool 2 -1 in their home ground! Yippee!
I didn't watch the match. I was engrossed watching my favourite drama series Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Don't understand why they have to show it so late! I love all these crime/lawyer kind of shows. Makes you feel the world's not as simple as you think, and that the little problems you face in life is nothing compared to the complexities in these shows. Though it may not be real, but hey, who said it could not have happened?
And thanks to Chen Ying (who told me rugby's a fun game to watch) and my brother (who hogs the TV with either wrestiling or soccer or any other sports shows), I've become a rugby convert. It's the rugby world cup season. Really enjoyed the match between New Zealand and South Africa. Thought I don't quite fully understand the rules of the game as yet, it's thrilling to see these big burly guys ramming their way through. I particularly like this move - I call it the "ballet boys". One team member will throw the ball in, and there's another group to lift another of their team members to catch the ball. I only thought it happens it ballet.... Rugby boys looking graceful? Ha ha.. go check it out! The next good match will be the one between Australia and New Zealand.. Boy do I love it when the All Blacks do the "Ha ka". Here's how it goes..
Ka mate, Ka mate! Ka ora, Ka ora!
Ka mate, Ka mate! Ka ora, Ka ora!
Tenei te tangata puhuruhuru
Nana i tiki mai whakawhiti te ra!
A hupane, kaupane
A hupane, kaupane whiti te ra!
Hi!
Don't ask me what it means, but I think it's like a battle cry. You can find out more at their website here.
Oh - I'd be meeting Mark on Wednesday for dinner. It's THE day. Let's see if I'd chicken out. I'm not feeling very daring now... Breathe... Breathe... Breathe..
Gotta go now. Have a date with my Designer Guys. Steven Sarbados is so cute! Check out the website.. The other guy's gay, I think...
DESIGNER GUYS
You take care. I'll be back to blog more soon!
My brother's in a shopping mood. He's a funny guy. Once or twice a year, usually coinciding with the school holidays, he will contribute to the economy of Singapore by buying what I call "gizmoz" stuff - all things computer and electrical.. Little gadgets, computer games, upgrade his computer, etc. He's recently on his shopping spree again. Bought himself a sleek PDA just last week, and yesterday, a handphone. He's happy with his new toys, and it warms my heart seeing him so happy. It's like seeing a contented little boy... so cute.
I met up with Priscilla for lunch too. We had garlic bagel and chocolate brownie. It was quite funny... You see, both of us love chocolate, especially if it's warm on a cake and oozing down. So when we ordered the brownie, we asked the man to heat it up for us "til the chocolate on top melts". So he did it.. I think he kinda overdid it. The chocolate didn't melt, but the brownie turned out hard like a cookie! After two bites, Pris and I conceded that it was just too hard to be called a brownie and requested for a change. The man was so nice.. he said "I think I'd heat it up at the normal timing". And there we had it.. nice warm brownie with oozing chocolate, which I scooped to spread on my garlic bagel. I also did the Priscilla-buy-one-tea-get-two-tea-instead stunt. Only I got three cups of tea instead. I ordered one cup of tea and asked for 2 cups of hot water. Dipped the tea bag in all three cups, and there you have it! Saved money for the 2 hours plus we sat there just talking and talking. As usual, it was good meeting up and just talking again. Too bad Lee Yee couldn't join us. Her grandmother just had an op. Hope she's OK..
Then I met Wendy for rollerblading. I was late cos she went there earlier. By the time I met her, she'd done 12 plus rounds of the park. I was demotivated. I gave all kinds of excuses. "Hey, dark clouds are hovering", "It's gonna rain", "My blades are heavy" "No, lah - you're tired after that 12 rounds.. you need rest". But Wendy decided to be my slave-driver. With an imaginery whip, she pushed me on. I told her that I was done after two rounds. She refused to listen. She wasn't very sympathetic to the apparent pain I had in my shin. She didn't look like she had done 12 rounds. I thought she must have gotten her energy from her waist-length hair. Mine's only shoulder-length. I wore a grouchy face, but deep in me, I was thankful she was pushing me on. Just as I was motivated to go on, big drops of rain came splashing down on us. It was pouring more than cats and dogs! We quickly made our way to the nearest sheltered area, which was the void deck of some nearby block of flats. We sat and talked til the rain stopped. I didn't manage to have a good workout, but I had a good time just spending time with Wendy again. :)
Had a nice warm bath when I came back home, and snuggled into bed in front of the TV while my brother's friends were in the living room supporting their favourite football team. Two friends came. One was a supporter of Man U (like my brother), and the other, a Liverpool fan. The Liverpool fan came "to laugh at these two Man U fans". Unfortunately, he didn't get the last laugh. Man U won Liverpool 2 -1 in their home ground! Yippee!
I didn't watch the match. I was engrossed watching my favourite drama series Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Don't understand why they have to show it so late! I love all these crime/lawyer kind of shows. Makes you feel the world's not as simple as you think, and that the little problems you face in life is nothing compared to the complexities in these shows. Though it may not be real, but hey, who said it could not have happened?
And thanks to Chen Ying (who told me rugby's a fun game to watch) and my brother (who hogs the TV with either wrestiling or soccer or any other sports shows), I've become a rugby convert. It's the rugby world cup season. Really enjoyed the match between New Zealand and South Africa. Thought I don't quite fully understand the rules of the game as yet, it's thrilling to see these big burly guys ramming their way through. I particularly like this move - I call it the "ballet boys". One team member will throw the ball in, and there's another group to lift another of their team members to catch the ball. I only thought it happens it ballet.... Rugby boys looking graceful? Ha ha.. go check it out! The next good match will be the one between Australia and New Zealand.. Boy do I love it when the All Blacks do the "Ha ka". Here's how it goes..
Ka mate, Ka mate! Ka ora, Ka ora!
Ka mate, Ka mate! Ka ora, Ka ora!
Tenei te tangata puhuruhuru
Nana i tiki mai whakawhiti te ra!
A hupane, kaupane
A hupane, kaupane whiti te ra!
Hi!
Don't ask me what it means, but I think it's like a battle cry. You can find out more at their website here.
Oh - I'd be meeting Mark on Wednesday for dinner. It's THE day. Let's see if I'd chicken out. I'm not feeling very daring now... Breathe... Breathe... Breathe..
Gotta go now. Have a date with my Designer Guys. Steven Sarbados is so cute! Check out the website.. The other guy's gay, I think...
DESIGNER GUYS
You take care. I'll be back to blog more soon!
08 November 2003
Missing my closest friends
It's nice to be lazy once in a while. The holidays have started and I am just taking a long-deserved break. I think I owe it to my poor body who had retaliated with the bout of flu. The cough's still there, but I feel much better. Not well enough to start on my exercise regime again. I think I will start that on Monday.
The interview with the principal of Holy Innocents went on well. I'd have to let her know by next week if I want to join their school. They have vacancies. I'll think and pray about it over this weekend and see what the big guy above tells me...
In a way, I'm counting down to my holiday in Sydney. I think I will have a swell of a time there.... I hope. Grace 1 has been filling me in with all the details about where I should go, what I should do, what to eat (fried mars bars, anyone?)... Oh man! Can't wait!
Talking about holidays... I was watching Discovery Channel Travel and Adventure just now. They were featuring the top ten places to have a perfect tan. At once, I thought of Wendy. The first place they featured - Waikiki Beach in Hawaii! We were there last year. It was really beautiful. We really didn't want to go back! Every day is like a holiday there. They have people surfing at 6am in the morning! The sun's hot, but it's not humid. The people are very friendly too. You can see all the nice scenic places by clicking on the link at the side bar under "my hawaii pictures".
Thinking of that, it suddenly dawned on me that I had probably lost a travel partner. Wendy's got herself a flat with Jeff - boyfriend of 10 years. Which means wedding bells will be ringing soon. And obviously, they'd travel together. Wendy's got to save to pay for the furnishings and renovation of her new home too. So that leaves little opportunity for us to travel together again. Then I thought about Pris. She's gonna get married too. Same story. Suddenly, I felt sad, but happy. Happy for them, that they are getting on with their lives with the special someone with whom they will share the rest of their lives with. Happy to see them happy. But sad that things have to change.
I find that it seems inevitable that as friends move on with their lives, I have to accept the fact that I have to let go. Things cannot be the same as before. I cannot expect them to go out with me as often, or travel with me, or spend time with me. They have to spend time with their partners. I fully understand that. I think that if I were attached, I'd spend as much time as I can with my partner too. It's just that now I am not, and because they are, I feel lonely sometimes.
Loneliness is a feeling that is hard to explain. I sometimes may be in the company of other friends, or with family, but I still do feel lonely. It's like a void in the heart that needs tender loving care. It's times like these that I withdraw, and just want to be by myself - perhaps to deal with that fragile heart. But as I soon realise, the heart is a fussy one. It doesn't seem to respond well to self-treatment. It prefers to have the tender loving care of another. And so, when my closest friends realise the cry for care from my heart, I well up with tears of appreciation. It's like they have seen through me into my heart. It's really heart-warming. It's times like these that I am reminded that I should appreciate my friends much more. Sometimes, it's true - you never know what you've got til you've lost it.
Maybe it's just me PMS-ing again. But what I want to say now is that as my closest friends get on with the next phase in their lives, I think I will miss them. I am already now.
The interview with the principal of Holy Innocents went on well. I'd have to let her know by next week if I want to join their school. They have vacancies. I'll think and pray about it over this weekend and see what the big guy above tells me...
In a way, I'm counting down to my holiday in Sydney. I think I will have a swell of a time there.... I hope. Grace 1 has been filling me in with all the details about where I should go, what I should do, what to eat (fried mars bars, anyone?)... Oh man! Can't wait!
Talking about holidays... I was watching Discovery Channel Travel and Adventure just now. They were featuring the top ten places to have a perfect tan. At once, I thought of Wendy. The first place they featured - Waikiki Beach in Hawaii! We were there last year. It was really beautiful. We really didn't want to go back! Every day is like a holiday there. They have people surfing at 6am in the morning! The sun's hot, but it's not humid. The people are very friendly too. You can see all the nice scenic places by clicking on the link at the side bar under "my hawaii pictures".
Thinking of that, it suddenly dawned on me that I had probably lost a travel partner. Wendy's got herself a flat with Jeff - boyfriend of 10 years. Which means wedding bells will be ringing soon. And obviously, they'd travel together. Wendy's got to save to pay for the furnishings and renovation of her new home too. So that leaves little opportunity for us to travel together again. Then I thought about Pris. She's gonna get married too. Same story. Suddenly, I felt sad, but happy. Happy for them, that they are getting on with their lives with the special someone with whom they will share the rest of their lives with. Happy to see them happy. But sad that things have to change.
I find that it seems inevitable that as friends move on with their lives, I have to accept the fact that I have to let go. Things cannot be the same as before. I cannot expect them to go out with me as often, or travel with me, or spend time with me. They have to spend time with their partners. I fully understand that. I think that if I were attached, I'd spend as much time as I can with my partner too. It's just that now I am not, and because they are, I feel lonely sometimes.
Loneliness is a feeling that is hard to explain. I sometimes may be in the company of other friends, or with family, but I still do feel lonely. It's like a void in the heart that needs tender loving care. It's times like these that I withdraw, and just want to be by myself - perhaps to deal with that fragile heart. But as I soon realise, the heart is a fussy one. It doesn't seem to respond well to self-treatment. It prefers to have the tender loving care of another. And so, when my closest friends realise the cry for care from my heart, I well up with tears of appreciation. It's like they have seen through me into my heart. It's really heart-warming. It's times like these that I am reminded that I should appreciate my friends much more. Sometimes, it's true - you never know what you've got til you've lost it.
Maybe it's just me PMS-ing again. But what I want to say now is that as my closest friends get on with the next phase in their lives, I think I will miss them. I am already now.
06 November 2003
The spa and the interview
It's been a long day out. The spa treatment with my mum went on fine, though my mum still thinks Amrita Spa's still the best. I can't blame her. I think so too. But it was a relaxing moment to relish for me especially having had a few months of non-stop assignments. It's really a well-deserved rub-down! Now, I feel polished. The scrub and aromatherapy massage does wonders for the skin.
My meeting with the principal of St Michael's went well. A very pleasant lady who gave me another perspective of what it means to be teaching in a primary school. She even walked me to the canteen to see her little primary one "devils" during recess. The maternal instincts in me found all the cute little ones so endearing! There was this little boy that actually came up to the principal and offered her his snacks from his lunch box! According to her, he has been bugging her a few weeks back about decorating the school to celebrate halloween! Primary school kids these days sure grow up fast! Pris should know... she's got to face a whole bunch of them in school every day... well, almost!
I haven't made a decision yet if I want to teach there. Frankly, I really don't mind. But I'll meet up with the principal of Holy Innocent's tomorrow before I make a firm decision. Whatever it is, I'll let God lead. I know he knows what's best for me.
Went to collect our airtickets with Grace after the interview today. Sigh.. Simon said "Eh. you're getting fatter." What a thing to say, right? Maybe he's right. Ah... OK.. No more Malteesers, Ben & Jerry's, Mee Goreng..... It doesn't help that I've not been feeling well these days to continue on my exercise regime. The rain is no help either! Well, at least he's being frank. A big part of me just hopes it's all water retention.. but hey, I'm just kidding myself, right?
Thanks Pris for the encouragement. As the day passes, I feel more and more sure about how I feel about Mark. However, I feel less and less confident about the feelings being mutual. Maybe it's PMS... I know what you mean about the butterflies in the stomach, and heart skipping a beat. Come to think of it, I've always had them. Until today, I find it quite amazing that I've kept those feelings in me for so long. In a way, I'm looking forward to meeting Mark next week. Maybe it's just me wanting to unload my heavy heart...
I did the Finding Nemo test I found on Addie's website - hey, guess what, I'm NEMO. Here's what it's all about. You can find out your own character by clicking on the link below.. Go ahead, do it and let me know what you are OK? Fill it up under the comments. :)
I'll be back tomorrow with more blogging.. Gonna sleep now. Good night!
What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
My meeting with the principal of St Michael's went well. A very pleasant lady who gave me another perspective of what it means to be teaching in a primary school. She even walked me to the canteen to see her little primary one "devils" during recess. The maternal instincts in me found all the cute little ones so endearing! There was this little boy that actually came up to the principal and offered her his snacks from his lunch box! According to her, he has been bugging her a few weeks back about decorating the school to celebrate halloween! Primary school kids these days sure grow up fast! Pris should know... she's got to face a whole bunch of them in school every day... well, almost!
I haven't made a decision yet if I want to teach there. Frankly, I really don't mind. But I'll meet up with the principal of Holy Innocent's tomorrow before I make a firm decision. Whatever it is, I'll let God lead. I know he knows what's best for me.
Went to collect our airtickets with Grace after the interview today. Sigh.. Simon said "Eh. you're getting fatter." What a thing to say, right? Maybe he's right. Ah... OK.. No more Malteesers, Ben & Jerry's, Mee Goreng..... It doesn't help that I've not been feeling well these days to continue on my exercise regime. The rain is no help either! Well, at least he's being frank. A big part of me just hopes it's all water retention.. but hey, I'm just kidding myself, right?
Thanks Pris for the encouragement. As the day passes, I feel more and more sure about how I feel about Mark. However, I feel less and less confident about the feelings being mutual. Maybe it's PMS... I know what you mean about the butterflies in the stomach, and heart skipping a beat. Come to think of it, I've always had them. Until today, I find it quite amazing that I've kept those feelings in me for so long. In a way, I'm looking forward to meeting Mark next week. Maybe it's just me wanting to unload my heavy heart...
I did the Finding Nemo test I found on Addie's website - hey, guess what, I'm NEMO. Here's what it's all about. You can find out your own character by clicking on the link below.. Go ahead, do it and let me know what you are OK? Fill it up under the comments. :)
I'll be back tomorrow with more blogging.. Gonna sleep now. Good night!
What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yesterday
I decided to stay at home yesterday, and have a well-deserved rest. In short, all I did was eat, sleep, watch TV, sleep, watch TV, ate and sleep. The cold came back, and I was afraid that the flu would too. So I popped in another two pills, took a long afternoon nap, and got up refreshed. I'm thankful I decided to do that instead of catching a movie, which I had planned to do. Today, I feel a whole lot better. :)
I'd be spending my day today with my mum. She's taken the day off, and both of us will be going for a massage at some spa at Stamford Court. It was a promotion thing - buy one get one free. It'd be a first massage for me in Singapore. Have had all my massages so far in Bangkok only. I hope it's good, and that I won't have some ah lian speaking to me!
After that, I will be meeting with the principal of St Michael's school. It's a primary school, but the principal said that if I was interested, she'll arrange for me to teach there. I don't know how she's gonna do it cos I'm trained for secondary school teaching... Oh well, I'll just leave my options open and let the Big Guy above lead where he wants me to go. Tomorrow, I'd be meeting up with the principal of Holy Innocent's High School. My friends tell me that's a highly chinese-speaking school. I ask myself if I can survive there... My Mandarin is as good as my Malay.
Wendy has not been feeling too well too. She's down with the flu bug. Had two days' MC but still went to work cos "there's so much work to do". I worry for her as she starts to work late again. I told her it's not a healthy work habit. I hope she breaks it. She went down to the docs again yesterday to get a stronger medication, but still went back to work. I hope she's managed to get some rest and is feeling better now. No coffee for you, Wendy!
I was supposed to meet up with Mark this week - perhaps to tell him how I feel, but he's busy this week. We'd probably meet up next week.
I was trying to retrieve some old documents the day before, and was going through all my back-up CDs. Then I came across letters I used to type out when I was feeling blue, stressed and confused. There were a few dated some 2 years back, and it wrote about how I felt about Mark then. I read and re-read them and realised that I felt the same way all these while, even way back before I wrote the letters two years ago. Tears welled up in my eyes. I don't know why, but I guess it's a mixed feeling of happiness and helplessness.
I guess I'm happy in a way that I know that this is not just a passing phase. It's something that has been in me for the longest time. I guess I am happy that I am sure of this feeling I have in me. In a way, I guess I am proud that I have been faithful to this feeling all these while. Yet, I feel sad and helpless that I cannot control the consequences of this feeling I have. I cannot force him to like me back. I cannot do anything. And being so much of an anal-retentive person who must always have some sort of control in her life, I guess it tears a big part of me to not be able to control something like that. This sense of helplessness is almost painful. Ahh... Love hurts!
Well, I guess til next week, I can only sit and wonder what will happen. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. And as I had mentioned to Pris once, we should worry less about the past and the future and focus on the present - so that I will TRY to do.
I will enjoy my today with my mum - it's been a long time since we went out together... I hope you enjoy your TODAY too.
I'd be spending my day today with my mum. She's taken the day off, and both of us will be going for a massage at some spa at Stamford Court. It was a promotion thing - buy one get one free. It'd be a first massage for me in Singapore. Have had all my massages so far in Bangkok only. I hope it's good, and that I won't have some ah lian speaking to me!
After that, I will be meeting with the principal of St Michael's school. It's a primary school, but the principal said that if I was interested, she'll arrange for me to teach there. I don't know how she's gonna do it cos I'm trained for secondary school teaching... Oh well, I'll just leave my options open and let the Big Guy above lead where he wants me to go. Tomorrow, I'd be meeting up with the principal of Holy Innocent's High School. My friends tell me that's a highly chinese-speaking school. I ask myself if I can survive there... My Mandarin is as good as my Malay.
Wendy has not been feeling too well too. She's down with the flu bug. Had two days' MC but still went to work cos "there's so much work to do". I worry for her as she starts to work late again. I told her it's not a healthy work habit. I hope she breaks it. She went down to the docs again yesterday to get a stronger medication, but still went back to work. I hope she's managed to get some rest and is feeling better now. No coffee for you, Wendy!
I was supposed to meet up with Mark this week - perhaps to tell him how I feel, but he's busy this week. We'd probably meet up next week.
I was trying to retrieve some old documents the day before, and was going through all my back-up CDs. Then I came across letters I used to type out when I was feeling blue, stressed and confused. There were a few dated some 2 years back, and it wrote about how I felt about Mark then. I read and re-read them and realised that I felt the same way all these while, even way back before I wrote the letters two years ago. Tears welled up in my eyes. I don't know why, but I guess it's a mixed feeling of happiness and helplessness.
I guess I'm happy in a way that I know that this is not just a passing phase. It's something that has been in me for the longest time. I guess I am happy that I am sure of this feeling I have in me. In a way, I guess I am proud that I have been faithful to this feeling all these while. Yet, I feel sad and helpless that I cannot control the consequences of this feeling I have. I cannot force him to like me back. I cannot do anything. And being so much of an anal-retentive person who must always have some sort of control in her life, I guess it tears a big part of me to not be able to control something like that. This sense of helplessness is almost painful. Ahh... Love hurts!
Well, I guess til next week, I can only sit and wonder what will happen. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. And as I had mentioned to Pris once, we should worry less about the past and the future and focus on the present - so that I will TRY to do.
I will enjoy my today with my mum - it's been a long time since we went out together... I hope you enjoy your TODAY too.
04 November 2003
It's finally over. Holiday's begun!
Finally, I'm over and done with grammar. Like my NIE classmates, over the last few days, I've been analysing every stupid sentence I come across and identifying the word class for every single word. Now, we can finally stop doing that. The test was a little tricky, and definitely tougher than the mock test we had. Oh well, it's all over now, and all we can do is cross our fingers that what we wrote turns out right.
We didn't get to Gelare today. Pam wasn't feeling too well, and I was couging my lungs out, so ice-cream didn't seem too good an idea. Instead, we ended up at the food court at Jurong Point. We stayed there til 4pm just chatting away after our hearty lunch. Our next plan is to have a BBQ at Debby's place! And my very quick-thinking classmates have asked me to invite Mark to the BBQ... well, we'll see... but I don't think so!
Tomorrow will be the start of my holidays. Somehow I am at a lost of what to do first. I have a long list of things to do, and I don't know where to start. At the back of my head, I'm planning tomorrow to be Deborah's Day. I'm going to just enjoy myself and have some ME time. Relax and recharge before I embark on my next project - probably the Jesuit website and Pris's wedding programme booklet.
I'm almost well except for the very bad cough. I am almost coughing my lungs out. The only good thing I can get out of this is that each time I cough, it flexes my abs. Maybe at the end of the cough, I'd have tough abs as nice as Lisa on "Are you HOT?" (Has anyone of you seen that show?!!).
OK - Looks like Pris is not the only one who can't see the pictures. Juliana told me this morning that she can't see the pictures too. I can't seem to understand why cos some people can see it, and some people don't. On some days, I can see the pictures, on some days, I dont'.. Well, I'll keep those pictures there so hopefully you can view them on your "lucky" day.. Refreshing your page helps sometimes... it also pushes up my counter so I look more popular (ha..!)
HEY - WELCOME BACK PRIS!! Good to have you back!
We didn't get to Gelare today. Pam wasn't feeling too well, and I was couging my lungs out, so ice-cream didn't seem too good an idea. Instead, we ended up at the food court at Jurong Point. We stayed there til 4pm just chatting away after our hearty lunch. Our next plan is to have a BBQ at Debby's place! And my very quick-thinking classmates have asked me to invite Mark to the BBQ... well, we'll see... but I don't think so!
Tomorrow will be the start of my holidays. Somehow I am at a lost of what to do first. I have a long list of things to do, and I don't know where to start. At the back of my head, I'm planning tomorrow to be Deborah's Day. I'm going to just enjoy myself and have some ME time. Relax and recharge before I embark on my next project - probably the Jesuit website and Pris's wedding programme booklet.
I'm almost well except for the very bad cough. I am almost coughing my lungs out. The only good thing I can get out of this is that each time I cough, it flexes my abs. Maybe at the end of the cough, I'd have tough abs as nice as Lisa on "Are you HOT?" (Has anyone of you seen that show?!!).
OK - Looks like Pris is not the only one who can't see the pictures. Juliana told me this morning that she can't see the pictures too. I can't seem to understand why cos some people can see it, and some people don't. On some days, I can see the pictures, on some days, I dont'.. Well, I'll keep those pictures there so hopefully you can view them on your "lucky" day.. Refreshing your page helps sometimes... it also pushes up my counter so I look more popular (ha..!)
HEY - WELCOME BACK PRIS!! Good to have you back!
03 November 2003
Sick of Grammar
I am sick of grammar. I don't know what is the difference between "this" being a pronoun and a determiner. So, which is which? When is it a noun? When is it a determiner? And all those clauses! Dependent clause, relative clause, subordinate clause. And before this, all I knew about was the clause from the North Pole. Oh well, I'm just counting down til 1.30pm tomorrow where I can then forget about all of these until I next need them when I teach in school. ;-P
Grace is down with flu too. She sent me an sms today to say I passed the flu bug to her through the phone line. Man, I didn't know I had that much power.. If only I can channel it to better use.. like absorbing all the grammar rules, burning fats, making Mark like me... Hmmm... Tempting thought, ain't it?
I'm getting better as the day passes. The only thing that's really irritating me now is the cough. It's a heavy chesty cough that makes my face red when the attack is bad. I abstain from fruit and all things cold cos it seems to make the cough worse. Everything has to be warm... My darling mum woke up early this morning and brewed some cooling tea and made me bring it to school. I think that helped. And she also replenished my pi pa kao thingy - I have a 'family size' bottle of it now! I hope the cough goes away soon. It's highly irritating and uncomfortable.
Hey Pris - haven't heard from you on the blog for a while. Hope you're OK. Lee Yee - Hope you're not overworked and that Keith has been a good boy. Tell him his godma's sick... Will visit him when she's well, OK? *muah* (virtual kiss for Keith - scanned for virus).
Alright, I'd better get on with my grammar. I've got a date with Wong Li Lin and Edmund Chen at 9pm and so to make myself less guilty, I'd better get some studying done til then. But before that, let me leave you with a picture of my three darlings, who have been a joy in my life, a comfort when I am feeling blue, and really, a good listener. May I present to you my three teddy bears...
From left to right - Blue Bear (which belongs to my brother, actually), Huggy Bear and Cubby Bear (both given to me by my brother just to cheer me up in my most stressed moments). Blue Bear's the oldest - He's 10 years old. We got him at the fun fair at Tampines JC. Huggy's the luckiest of all three bears. He's been to Hawaii with Wendy and me, and also to Malacca. His next trip is either to Canada or Sydney! Cubby's the smartest bear. He was studying at Harvard, but had to stop to work to finance his studies. He's now a butler cum nurse. I always thought he looks a little like the next PM of Singapore... No? :) Oh, and did I mention? They all talk? Say Hi to my three darlings... Aren't they cute?
The kid in me still exists...
Grace is down with flu too. She sent me an sms today to say I passed the flu bug to her through the phone line. Man, I didn't know I had that much power.. If only I can channel it to better use.. like absorbing all the grammar rules, burning fats, making Mark like me... Hmmm... Tempting thought, ain't it?
I'm getting better as the day passes. The only thing that's really irritating me now is the cough. It's a heavy chesty cough that makes my face red when the attack is bad. I abstain from fruit and all things cold cos it seems to make the cough worse. Everything has to be warm... My darling mum woke up early this morning and brewed some cooling tea and made me bring it to school. I think that helped. And she also replenished my pi pa kao thingy - I have a 'family size' bottle of it now! I hope the cough goes away soon. It's highly irritating and uncomfortable.
Hey Pris - haven't heard from you on the blog for a while. Hope you're OK. Lee Yee - Hope you're not overworked and that Keith has been a good boy. Tell him his godma's sick... Will visit him when she's well, OK? *muah* (virtual kiss for Keith - scanned for virus).
Alright, I'd better get on with my grammar. I've got a date with Wong Li Lin and Edmund Chen at 9pm and so to make myself less guilty, I'd better get some studying done til then. But before that, let me leave you with a picture of my three darlings, who have been a joy in my life, a comfort when I am feeling blue, and really, a good listener. May I present to you my three teddy bears...
From left to right - Blue Bear (which belongs to my brother, actually), Huggy Bear and Cubby Bear (both given to me by my brother just to cheer me up in my most stressed moments). Blue Bear's the oldest - He's 10 years old. We got him at the fun fair at Tampines JC. Huggy's the luckiest of all three bears. He's been to Hawaii with Wendy and me, and also to Malacca. His next trip is either to Canada or Sydney! Cubby's the smartest bear. He was studying at Harvard, but had to stop to work to finance his studies. He's now a butler cum nurse. I always thought he looks a little like the next PM of Singapore... No? :) Oh, and did I mention? They all talk? Say Hi to my three darlings... Aren't they cute?
The kid in me still exists...
It's an epidemic!
Looks like I'm not the only one that has caught the flu bug. I just found out over the msn that Madalene and Pamela's down with flu too. Funny that we seem to get sick all at the same time.. Remember during the one-week break the last time? All of us were down with flu too! Chen Ying had a slight flu on Saturday, but she's gotten better. Among my friends, Wendy wasn't feeling too well on Friday too, and Grace is beginning to feel a little unwell the last I spoke to her. Hmmm... the flu season is coming!! Remember them warning us about SARS making a comeback come end of the year? Well, I sure hope this isn't it! I mean, I hope SARS doesn't come back at all! The recent increase in cases in dengue fever is no consolation either. All the symptoms are almost the same... Fever, cough, runny nose...
As for me, I've been trusting my decolgen and nim jiom pi pa kao. Have been downing lots of the latter - mixed with warm water. Really soothes the lungs - doesn't feel so congested now, and the throat is much better. Decolgen dealt with the fever and the cold... Overall, I feel giddy and light-headed, but much better.. Thanks, Ian, for calling to see if I were OK. Really so sweet of you. :)
Was msn-ing Grace (my primary school friend, not the Raffles Hotel Grace - let's call primary school Grace, Grace 1 - cos her surname's Wan - no, not kidding!). She was convincing me to do a lindy hop kinda thing with her. Oh man.. I told her I've got two left feet and a body made out of wood. Ha.. Anyway, she's gonna hook me up with another primary school classmate of mine (we call her Toad - but that's another story) to teach me salsa. I think I can handle that better... My ex-boss once said I had "the moves" ... whatever that meant. Well, I'm kinda into sexy dances, sexy music, sexy moves, sexy language - can't help it. It's the scorpio in me I guess. Scorpios are meant to be passionate and sexy and mysterious people... Erhem... Spanish anyone?
It's past midnight, and I'm just finishing up the last of my assignment. Thank God it's finally done. Most of my classmates have finished theirs too. For all of us, I think it's a big load off our shoulders. Now, all of us are just waiting for Tuesday to come and go and really celebrate after the test. But with all of us down with flu, I guess we'll probably have to give ice-cream a miss.. unless we all miraculously recover by then!
I'm gonna get down to school later today to hand in the assignment. Then I intend to stay back in school to study with Chen Ying. I figured I'd be more productive in school than at home, where I'd probably end up sleeping and surfing the web, and thinking how else I can make my blogsite look nicer :)
I'd better get some sleep now. Take care all of you. Don't let the flu bug hit you! Stay healthy, keep well!
As for me, I've been trusting my decolgen and nim jiom pi pa kao. Have been downing lots of the latter - mixed with warm water. Really soothes the lungs - doesn't feel so congested now, and the throat is much better. Decolgen dealt with the fever and the cold... Overall, I feel giddy and light-headed, but much better.. Thanks, Ian, for calling to see if I were OK. Really so sweet of you. :)
Was msn-ing Grace (my primary school friend, not the Raffles Hotel Grace - let's call primary school Grace, Grace 1 - cos her surname's Wan - no, not kidding!). She was convincing me to do a lindy hop kinda thing with her. Oh man.. I told her I've got two left feet and a body made out of wood. Ha.. Anyway, she's gonna hook me up with another primary school classmate of mine (we call her Toad - but that's another story) to teach me salsa. I think I can handle that better... My ex-boss once said I had "the moves" ... whatever that meant. Well, I'm kinda into sexy dances, sexy music, sexy moves, sexy language - can't help it. It's the scorpio in me I guess. Scorpios are meant to be passionate and sexy and mysterious people... Erhem... Spanish anyone?
It's past midnight, and I'm just finishing up the last of my assignment. Thank God it's finally done. Most of my classmates have finished theirs too. For all of us, I think it's a big load off our shoulders. Now, all of us are just waiting for Tuesday to come and go and really celebrate after the test. But with all of us down with flu, I guess we'll probably have to give ice-cream a miss.. unless we all miraculously recover by then!
I'm gonna get down to school later today to hand in the assignment. Then I intend to stay back in school to study with Chen Ying. I figured I'd be more productive in school than at home, where I'd probably end up sleeping and surfing the web, and thinking how else I can make my blogsite look nicer :)
I'd better get some sleep now. Take care all of you. Don't let the flu bug hit you! Stay healthy, keep well!
01 November 2003
The cough is bad
I've been coughing my lungs out since last night. I managed to treat the sore throat with loads of lozenges. The fever has gone down after three dozes of decolgen, and my runny nose has stopped. But the cough just won't go away. Sigh... hate to be sick! I can't seem to do a thousand things I like to do when I'm sick - go out in the sun and exercise for one!
Went to Mass today cos it's All Saints' Day. It feels funny having to go for Mass twice this week - and on consecutive days! Came home after Mass, downed two more decolgen and slept til 5pm. Woke up, realised that I've not eaten for 6 hours, and decided to feed myself, though I wasn't the least bit hungry. Ate a whole bowl of fried rice and cuttlefish balls with lots and lots and lots of sambal belacan. Shiok! Chilli is good for curing coughs.. no?
Still not done with my last assignment. Still stuck. Still don't know how to explain the errors. Still wondering what the tutor means by saying that we have to refer to the notes to answer the questions. I've been flipping and flipping and flipping and nothing comes to mind. BLANK! Oh well, I think I will just do what I think is the answer. After that, I've got to get on to studying for the grammar test that makes up 40% of the total marks. Can't wait for the test to be over!
As you would have noticed, I've not been blogging much lately. I've been silent. I know. Guess the assignment's on my head right now, so I haven't got much inspiration and energy left to think of stuff. Furthermore, I've been cooped up at home for the past few days, so there's not much to talk about. But I hope to get back to my usual self soon.. I think I will after Tuesday.. Am really looking forward to going out with my NIE friends after the test - that's when all of us will just sit back, relax, and gossip over ice-cream!
But for now, it's back to the assignment again. I hope my "smoking" skills are top form now....
Went to Mass today cos it's All Saints' Day. It feels funny having to go for Mass twice this week - and on consecutive days! Came home after Mass, downed two more decolgen and slept til 5pm. Woke up, realised that I've not eaten for 6 hours, and decided to feed myself, though I wasn't the least bit hungry. Ate a whole bowl of fried rice and cuttlefish balls with lots and lots and lots of sambal belacan. Shiok! Chilli is good for curing coughs.. no?
Still not done with my last assignment. Still stuck. Still don't know how to explain the errors. Still wondering what the tutor means by saying that we have to refer to the notes to answer the questions. I've been flipping and flipping and flipping and nothing comes to mind. BLANK! Oh well, I think I will just do what I think is the answer. After that, I've got to get on to studying for the grammar test that makes up 40% of the total marks. Can't wait for the test to be over!
As you would have noticed, I've not been blogging much lately. I've been silent. I know. Guess the assignment's on my head right now, so I haven't got much inspiration and energy left to think of stuff. Furthermore, I've been cooped up at home for the past few days, so there's not much to talk about. But I hope to get back to my usual self soon.. I think I will after Tuesday.. Am really looking forward to going out with my NIE friends after the test - that's when all of us will just sit back, relax, and gossip over ice-cream!
But for now, it's back to the assignment again. I hope my "smoking" skills are top form now....