Cold Feet Part II

Coincidentally, like Pris, I am experiencing my fair share of cold feet, though of a different kind.

I have for a long time, had wanted to do something different - say drama or dance or an extreme sport. It's a small part of me that seeks a certain thrill once in a while. This urge strikes just once out of the blue, and when it does, it's best described by the phrase "strike while the iron is hot". Wendy knows fully well what this means. Each time I agree to do something out of my usual comfort zone, she'll encourage me. She'll make me commit to it lest I change my mind. She makes sure I don't back out. But at the back of her head, she knows that I may just chicken out after that. Cold feet.

Like Pris, I have been wondering why I have been having cold feet lately. Each time I go for my salsa class, a million thoughts go through my head. What if I don't remember the steps? What if I'm really lousy? What if... And I think of not going. But Wendy pushes me on... And I go... And after class, when I realise I've got all the steps, someone mentions going to some public place to practise, I go... cold feet. My immediate reaction would be - sure, it'd be fun. It'd be nice. I can meet new people. Then after a while, I go.. ya, right.. They're all pros there... they know their steps. I don't.. And I go.. err... Cold feet, or left feet, I can't quite decide. Maybe it's just a little of both.

It's not just at dance. After my episode with Mark, I seem to have cold feet when thinking about commitment. I think and ask myself if I can ever find a guy I can trust. I ask myself if I really do need a guy. Maybe I'm better off single. I can do my travelling and my spa. I can visit places and pamper myself. I can do what I want without any worries about my commitment to another. But at the back on my head, my conscience haunts me. Maybe I am running away from something... Maybe I'm just afraid.

I look at my life ahead of me, and I think - what is my purpose on earth? I feel lost. I feel that I am wandering aimlessly. I don't even know what I am looking for. Right now, I feel like I lack a vision, and objective in my life. I wonder what drives me now. Before, I used to work as though I will marry some day, have kids and be a good wife and mother. Somehow, I am beginning to feel that this vision eludes me. My vision of my future now draws a blank. I don't know what I am to do.

And so, in self-reflection, I ask myself if all the new things I am doing now - is it a case that I am just pushing myself to the limits to explore my fullest potential? Or am I just trying to reach out in all directions like a greedy octopus to try to fill the gap in my life. Somehow, I feel it is the latter.

I remind myself daily that God put me on earth for a reason, and I have a religious obligation to fulfil my duty here on earth. Somehow, I think I am blind to His signs, and deaf to His call. I have no idea what I should be doing, or if what I have set out to do is in line with what his will calls for me. I feel so helpless in this situation without a direction in my life. I can't even call it a crossroad! I have no decision to make. I find it so ironical that despite so many things I am doing now, and the projects that await me, I find myself with a lack of drive, and I just don't know what to do!

As Pris feels uneasy with the new life that await her, I too feel uneasy with the thought of the uncertainty of the future. We both wonder and worry. We both are having cold, heavy feet that resists moving to the beat in this dance of life. I hope they will warm up soon.