Mission Completed

I have not cried so much for the longest time. This morning my eyes resemble that of any goldfish. I think the tear glands have been overworked. The heart feels sore, as though in quiet pain. The head tries to take over by rationalizing. I try to put on a brave front. But deep in me, I feel like I'm in shreds.

As you would have guessed by now, the feelings were not mutual. It took a lot out of me to finally tell him "I think I still like you". He wasn't surprised. He said he expected it. He said I wasn't the first of his many female friends to tell him. He said he always saw us as friends, and that there was no possibility of going beyond that. He said don't worry, the friendship will not be spoilt. He said good for me that I finally said it all out after so long.

I tried not to cry as I heard those words. But I couldn't control myself. I knew it was coming, but I gathered all the courage I could to finally say it. I kept saying in my head "stop being a chicken" as I stumbled on how was the best way to let him know how I felt all these while. I was finally proud I did it. But the hard truth hurts.

He was kind enough to let me sob as he sat in front of me. He kept saying "Deborah, Deborah", probably his way of saying "it's OK". He was calm and cool about it, and I admired him for that.

In the car on the way back, we spoke like nothing had happened. In a way, I was glad that he didn't let it affect the friendship. I may not have gained a relationship, but at least I was able to keep the friendship. And for that, I should be thankful.

I kept Wendy awake til 2am this morning - thanks, Wendy... She let me pour out my thoughts and tears. She tried to make me feel better with comforting words. She tried to let me see the positive side of things. She felt relieved for me. She asked me to stop asking myself questions - questions like "Why me?" "Is it me?" "What's so wrong with me?" "Am I that bad?". Questions that question my self-confidence and self-esteem. Deep in me, I know she's right.

I soaked up a good stack of tissue. I couldn't quite comprehend why I was crying so much. Maybe it's relief, maybe it's hurt. Maybe it's a mixture of both. Maybe it's a sense of loss, maybe it's because I was thinking if cupid will ever strike his arrow on me.

I told Wendy I'm tired. I'm tired of having to have this fragile heart of mine broken time and again. It feels shattered, and I feel that I've got to have a lifetime of glue to stick it back to together again. I don't know how much longer I am able to do this over and over again. It's tiring.

I woke up this morning and looked out of the window. The grounds were wet, but the sun was beginning to rise. The skies must have cried together with me as I went to sleep. The sun is shining brightly now - maybe I should be like it. Looking at the positive side of things, at least I know if I die today, I know I've let Mark know how I felt. At least I still have the friendship which I treasure so much. At least I can move on with life, leaving behind the thought of "what if". At least I know how I should treat Mark from now on. I can see our beautiful friendship continuing to grow as I now know there is nothing between us. Perhaps it's all for the better.

For all that has happened, I know the Big Guy above has some plans for me. I know the road I should take will not be an easy one, but it's comforting to know that as I journey through my life, I have friends, family and the good Lord above to give me strength and comfort. For that, I am thankful.

My brother came into my room last night when I was on the line with Wendy. He saw me crying uncontrollably. He brought me my two teddy bears to hug, and rubbed my head - his way of saying "It's OK - Your brother still loves you". To my dear brother, Wendy, Pris, Ian, Grace, Addie, Juliana and all of you out there who have been giving me your encouragement and support - thanks. As I try to get on with my life and see what I can learn from this experience, I know I can count on all of you for moral support.

I still love Mark now - though maybe in a much different way.

Wendy's right. I feel a sense of relief now.