Keeping busy

I have been kept busy these few days with lots of activities. Yesterday, I went to the Gold 90 FM Concert in the Park at Fort Canning with my mum, Grace and Wendy. By the time I got back, it was close to 11pm. I quite enjoyed myself listening to all the old songs, especially the standards... I had to go on stage cos my birthday happens to fall in November. There was a whole group of us, and we were "saboed" into leading the chicken dance! I had fun though... Once in a lifetime chance of doing the dance in front of a large crowd.. I mean, how often do you get to do that, right?!

This morning, I met Chen Ying and Pamela. We went to Sentosa to rollerblade. They lied to me. They said they weren't good at blading. Man! They were my slave masters! There was this stretch of road that was really uneven, and they just bladed as though it was nothing! And there I was, like a total klutz, with hands waving in the air, trying to gain my balance. At the end of the two hours, I looked a total mess. But I am thankful to them. Without them pushing me on, I don't think I would have bladed that much. It brings me to think - sometimes, you have to be pushed beyond your comfort zone to know what you can do. Hey Chen Ying and Pam - thanks!

Tomorrow, I'm gonna meet my dad for tea. He sent me an SMS this morning, and asked if I were free to meet tomorrow. How nice. It's been a long while since we met.. There must be lots to catch up on. Am looking forward to that...

Wednesday, I'd be dropping by NUS to catch up with my former colleagues. Then in the evening, I have a whole bunch of people coming down to my home. Mum's cooking mee siam and other stuff... Big feast again!

Thursday is day out with Pris... Friday is salsa day... Mum's flying off on Saturday... Lessons on salsa again on Sunday... I couldn't make it yesterday for the first salsa class, so my friend Fi - who is the instructor, sent me an sms to ask me to come down earlier next week for "make-up lesson"... Wow! Really keeping busy!

In a way, all these things are keeping my mind off Mark. In a way, I think it's good, but I don't think it's a long-term solution. I know I have to deal with the emotions in me, and learn to control them. I still think about Mark once in a while, and wonder if I had indeed spoilt the friendship. Sometimes, I sink into the "Am I not good enough?" mode. And once in a while, I wonder if I will ever love again. But I think of what Uncle J said to me. I take a deep breath, and I look ahead. I take courage in what he said, and it gives me strength. I know it's not me. It's just that the time is not right.

As the year draws to an end, I think back and reflect about what happened this year, and I think in all, it has been a humbling experience. I used to think I was a supergirl, that I could do it all, that I had infinite strength, and that time was always on my side. I didn't know what "no" was. Now, it's a different story. Ever since I was admitted to the hospital for viral fever, I have learnt to realise that I am no super woman. I get sick more often now, as my resistance is lower. I learn to step back and do less. I learn to expect less of others too. I used to be the one giving advice to all around me, telling them what to do, what not to do. Now, I find the roles reversed. I feel vulnerable when it comes to matters of the heart. I don't know what to do, how to react. And I find my friends around me telling me what to do, giving me advice, lending their support.

It takes a lot for one to admit that one is weak at something, especially when one has been doing well in almost all aspects of her life. I have learnt to understand what it means to fail. I have learnt to understand that failing is OK. And what matters is that I pick myself up again.

I used to avoid doing things that I am weak at. It's an ego thing. But now, I know that's just running away from it all. Wendy told me once that's just the "perfectionist" self in me at play. I think I have to agree with her. Sometimes, I feel that everything in my life has to be so perfect, that I expect myself to be perfect too. And that sometimes means avoiding things that make me less perfect. But I have learnt that I do not grow when I do this. I have to learn... And so, I swallow my pride, and learn to laugh at myself these few days. I laugh when I am a klutz at rollerblading, salsa, tennis, Mandarin.... those are all just my weaknesses, waiting to be improved on. Sure, I may not be an expert at all of these even after many tries, but at least I overcome my fear of failing, and push myself and give myself a chance to be as good as I can be.

I may not be perfect, but I am me.