My challenge

I have made a challenge. Yes, I have challenged myself once again, and nothing can be better to substatiate this challenge than by verbalizing it.

And so, after an exchange of SMSes to a dear friend last night, I committed myself to that challenge.

"Why the sudden urge?" she asked.

"It's my challenge to challenge my fears." I said

A while ago, I was telling another friend of mine that many a times, we hold back ever so often because we are afraid - afraid of failing, afraid of what others may think of us, afraid that we may not be as good as we would like to be.

Then it dawned on me that the "we" I had been using includes the "I" in me.

I have been afraid of fear itself. (Someone will be so proud of me that I'm learning to use his favourite word - *wink*)

That got me thinking of my fears that have prevented me to do things I've wanted to do. I set my mind on that one fear that hooked itself on me since young. I took in a deep breath, set a target date, made arrangements with my dear friend, and committed myself to this challenge - a challenge that I know will not only open my mind to overcome this fear, but also to a beautiful new world I've never experienced before.

My dear friends will be by my side as I take on this challenge, and I draw strength and confidence in knowing that I can count on them for moral support.

I look forward to that date. I look forward to that challenge.

"Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself."Franklin Roosevelt

What did I eat?

I've got the runs!

Alright, that's not something nice to read for a blog entry, but hey, I'm affected! This morning, I got up at 5am. I couldn't get back to sleep cos my intestines seem to be churning some magic potion. In my head, I pictured a pot of boiling purple liquid bubbling over low heat, and a wicked witch standing by the side. Imagery aside, a numbing pain crept in on the lower left of my stomach. Ouch...

Then as if the magic potion was boiling, ready and almost overflowing out of the big black pot...! It was time to, well.. run! And run, I have been doing ever since... I think for today, I have been more than acquainted with Elvis in my toilet (yes, my mum even puts his picture in the loo!), and the latest issue of 8-days (*wink).

Oh well. What did I eat? On hindsight, maybe pineapples and soya bean curd don't mix that well, huh? Or was it the grapes? Too much soya bean milk? Or was it the chocolates? Mum's cooking? (ok, don't be rude...)

Well, at least that got me up nice and early. I've got a mission to accomplish today. I think I should be starting on it now.

Stomach's settled... Back to work!

Inspired by 20 people today

Wow! I am so proud of myself. I sat myself down since 12 noon today with the objective of completing the profile write-ups of 20 people for the dream website. And by 5.15pm, I was all done! Hour by hour, I ploughed through the CVs, highlighting points that were relevant and necessary. After all, I had to limit each profile to not more than 150 words. It didn't help that some CVs came in point form, and others stretched four pages long!

At the end of the 20 profile write ups, it was as if I had just been acquinted with 20 inspiring people - people who have "been there and done that". It really makes me look at myself and wonder... All of a sudden I feel that I am shortchanging myself in this life! I really could and should be doing much more!

I treated myself by going rollerblading! Yes, my second time this week rollerblading... a full one and a half hour of it.. round and round and round the Tampines Park, gliding with glee and with a song in my heart.. "This is my life.. My moment's here.. No dream's too bold.. no age too old.." Haiz... So nice... :)

Next mission - to complete at least one assignment by this weekend, get all my notes filed up, and get prepared for practicum starting next Monday. Seems reality hasn't sunk in yet... I still think I have to get back to NIE for classes! Gonna miss the yong tau hu.. $1.50 only!

On Sunday, I'll be meeting the rest of the writers for the website... Let's aim for a good meeting, guys! In the meantime, it's back to NIE work... And hey, whoever you are who visited my blog and left a message on my chatterbox "tips" - welcome! All the best for your practicum!

Oh - one last thing. Just something for you to think about. My NIE tutor let us read this in class. Tell me what you think this text is about. Leave your answers in the comments link. :)

Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the bush, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I’ll be standing by the door when you come home, wearing only what nature gives me. Kiss me and I’m yours.

Call 123-4567 and ask for Beauty.

Done with CPA!

I am so proud of myself. I stayed back in school yesterday after my Classroom Management class, braved the stuffiness of the computer lab in the library for five hours and completed three CPA assignments. Had it all nicely printed out, bounded up with a file, and slipped it into Raymond Tan's mailbox. Done. Completed. No more CPA assignements for the rest of my life! Now, onto the Classroom Management one, and finally, the English one - both due next week.

I came back tired. Must be the lack of sleep over the past few nights. I was supposed to meet Wendy after school yesterday. But I overslept on the MRT train. When I awoke, I had Steve Tyrell still singing in my ears, but instead of City Hall, I was at Bedok! Oh well.. I just made my way home then. Sorry, Wendy...

Had wanted to start on another assignment last night, but ended up adding yet more stuff to the blog.. Hey, check out the "Take a Break!" section, just below the picture links. Compiled these two links - thanks to Addie - for those of you who just want to take a break and play some pretty brainless but addictive games. See how many bak kua you can fry!! Have also added links to two new blogs - Grace's and Chris's. Grace says now that I've linked her blog to mine, she's to update it more often.. and she feels stressed with that!

And thanks to you all for using the chatterbox. Have made it slightly bigger so it's easier on the eyes...

It's 7am. I hardly had 3 hours' of sleep and what am I doing awake? Well, am pushing myself to the limits and using every hour I can find to do all I can.. more write-ups! Am excited about this Sunday's meeting with Grace, Wendy, Pris and Darryl (Grace, can he come?).. We'd be brainstorming on themes... Oooo.. so fun.. *hands clapping* I kinda like the SEX theme, but I don't know if it'll go down well with T'ern! Oh well, let's just do it! *wink*

Back to work now! You have a great day! :)

Something new!

I've added in a "Chatterbox" to the blog! Now, you can add in your little messages and comments and it will appear immediately on the blog.. Scroll right down.. It's located below the counter. But of course, if you'd like to comment on a particular blog entry, you can still use the "comments" thingy..

Yes, I spent about an hour last night figuring out how to add in the "chatterbox". I got my reference from Addie's blog. Fitting in the frame was easy. I was just anal about the colour that originally came out - white box with black text and bright blue links (yucks!). I refused to sleep with those colours on my blog! And so came the endless search for codes to fit into the html of my blog just to get the colour of the chatterbox to match the blog colour. (yes, I'm that anal!).

Cascading style sheets? Nah.. too cheem.. there has to be another way to do it! And so, I searched and searched, and finally! Yes, I found it.. How to change the colour of your chatterbox.. *big smile* Experimented with the colours, and finally settled for what you see. If I had my wish, the font for the links below the box will be smaller, and the black border will not be there... and there will be shades of green and cream for each posting.. but, until I become a guru at html codes, I think this is enough to please me.

There you have it - my new chatterbox... add in some comments there, will you so I know it works? :)

The music on my blog still goes on and off... Well, the good news is that more and more people can hear it now. Lee Yee told me a few days back she can hear the song already.. Then yesterday, Addie sent me an msn to say she likes the song on the blog :) I'm just gonna leave it on for those of you who can't hear it still.... One day, you will!

Alright - back to my assignments. Yes, I'm supposed to be doing my assignment now, but am blogging. Debby's sitting opposite me, and I can imagine her wagging her index finger at me - "you're supposed to be doing your work, Deb!" I can almost hear her say!

Alright, alright... Back to work now.. Remember to add in your messages on the chatterbox, ok? :)

Pleasing a man

I took a break from my CPA assignments and decided to switch on the TV. Gilmore Girls was on. It was halfway through, and Lorelai wanted to learn fishing just cos a man she was interested in was passionate about fishing, and had invited her out on one of his fishing trips. Of course, she readily agreed. After all, it was an opportunity for her to spend more time with him, right?

Well, the only thing is that she knew nuts about fishing! And so, she went around, asking others to teach her fishing, saying she was interested in it... etc.. etc.. Finally, she found Luke, who taught her how to fish in his backyard.

I didn't have to see what was the end outcome of the show. I had thoughts swinging across my head as I watched that scene. And I felt a sudden pull from my PC in the room, to blog it all down. What would women do just to please a man?

I've had my fair share of stupidities, of things I did just to create opportunities to be closer to the guy I fancied. It started in junior college... no, actually, in secondary school. I'd wake up early in the morning for Mass on Sundays (6.45am!) just so I could catch my crushee on duty as an alter boy. I'd sit right in front so I'd get a full view of him. Then in JC, I'd sit by the door at every tutorial, just so I could catch a glimpse of my crushee as he changed classes... Or me joining the Health and Fitness club, jumping into the sea, going through the torturous leadership training camp, letting my grades suffer... just so there was a possibility of me getting acquainted with my crushee?

As I grew older, I didn't get wiser. In fact, the stupidities got more expensive! I'd spend on gifts to please a guy I fancied. Or I'd try to be interested in things I had originally no interest for. I'd psyche myself into thinking I was so interested in something when I was not, just cos the guy I fancied had a passion for it. At the end of it all, not only did I lose more money, I'd also compromised on who I really was.

And so, lesson learnt.

I started to listen to my heart, and feel the soul in me. I embraced my interests, and found my passion. I figured, if a man was really meant for me, all these things will fall into place. That man would love to eat all my chocoholic creations, or understand my philosphical thoughts. He'd be the man who wouldn't mind taking walks by the seaside, and just enjoying each other's company. He'd be the man who thinks not of riches always, but of how he can affect others' lives with what he has. He'd be the man who would know how to laugh at my stupidities, and make me laugh with him. He'd be a man I could have witty exchanges or deep conversations with. He'd be a man who could give me perspectives of life I have failed to realise. He'd be a simple man, to match the simplicity in me.

My brother once told me, "You know that the man is right for you, if he is able to bring out the best in you." I think it works both ways too. I believe that a couple in a relationship should bring out the best in each other. Nothing should be forced, nothing should be compromised. For I believe that it is then can they grow together.

I've not yet found that man, but at least I have realised the person I am and have chosen to be. And for now, I can live with that.

Someday, I know, that someone will come to bring out the best in me. And I wouldn't have to compromise on who I really am a single bit.

Touched by someone

Yesterday, a friend of mine gave me a card. It read:

I feel really blessed that we're friends
Not only because I enjoy being with you
or because you're so thoughtful...
It's something deeper than that.
I really value you as a person.
You're so sensitive to other people -
Not only just your own circle of family and friends
But everyone around you.
It's as though God put extra love in your heart,
and you try to share it every chance you get.
You make the world a better place just by being you.
I think that you make me a better person
Just by being my friend
And that really is a blessing to me.

I really hadn't expected the card. In it, she wrote on how thankful she was to have found a friend in me, and how I had made a difference in her life. She added her own words of encouragement too about all that's been happening in my life, and I appreciated that. After reading the card, I really wanted to give her a big hug - for just caring and making my day!Thanks, my dear friend... :)

This morning, I dug up my box of cards which I bought some time back just cos the cards were nice. I figured I'd find someone suitable to give those cards to one day. Guess what? I found the exact same card which my friend gave me! It got me thinking two things... "What goes round comes round" and "Pass it on".

It's funny how things have been happening around lately. Things are falling into place so neatly, I feel I'm on a scoring spree in a tetris game. I realised that it is through giving that I receive. The more fully I give, the greater the returns - not in tangible terms, but by a feeling of warmth in my heart. And it makes me smile.

And now, with a smile in my heart, I aim to pass it on, so that the ripple effect will expand far and beyond.

Listening to my brothers...

This morning, I went to church with my brother. Mum went for Mass yesterday, so she didn't come along with us. We were at the bus stop waiting for the bus to arrive when he meekly whispered to me, "I won't be going out much anymore. We broke up."

My heart sank when I heard that. My brother just got attached a few months back. I was so happy for him when I heard the news then. He told me the details on how he revealed his feelings to this girl and after one month, she reciprocated. I was so proud of him, that he gave himself a chance to fall in love and take the courage to reveal his feelings.

You see, my borther's an introvert. His life circles around three screens - the computer in his room, his laptop in the living room, and the TV. So, for him to get out of his comfort zone, I think is something to be happy about. I could see he was happy, though shy about being attached. He said it was a whole new experience for him.

I gave him the support I could. I told him he could ask me anything. He appreciated the tips I gave him on how to please a girl, and when I got him the flowers to give her on Valentine's Day. It made me happy to see him happy.

But I prayed hard for their relationship. My brother revealed to me that there may be a problem with religion. She was looking for a buddhist, being a staunch vegetarian buddhist herself.

I didn't know what to do to make my brother feel better than to give him a hug at the bus-stop. I hugged his arm as I asked him if he was OK. "Ya, I think. Good thing I didn't put my hopes up too high." he said.

Maybe it was good that way. I don't know if my brother's really OK cos he usually keeps much to himself. But I said an extra prayer for him in church today. "It's OK. You'd find someone some day." I told him.

It was as if I was repeating something everyone else has been telling me for the past seven years.

Chris and T'ern
I met up with T'ern and Chris this afternoon. After two meetings and a dinner, T'ern dropped Chris and I off at Ngee Ann City where we had tea at one of the coffee places. We had a really nice talk for close to three hours. I got to know Chris better, and the more I listened to him, the more I began to subconsciously adopt him as my younger brother. In a way, I felt privileged that he was opening up to me. I felt for him as he described as he was going through his different phases of life. I couldn't help it but give him a sisterly hug as we parted. Chris, you've got a long journey ahead of you, but believe in yourself, and draw strength from the confidence the people all around you have of you. You're hell of a guy and I know one day, you'll find your special someone. In the meantime, maybe you'd like to practise that smile of yours :)

Listening to my brothers... It has been an enriching day. Maybe, I'm beginning to get the hang of things of being a teacher-counsellor in school...

Technical Stuff

Finally, I think most of you can see pictures on my blog now. I somehow gathered there has been something wrong with the yahoo server, where I had placed all my photos and the song. Hence, when the page loads, it is unable to link up to the server, and hence no pictures, no song. Well, at least this is my logic of things!

And so, during CPA class yesterday morning, as I listened to my tutor, I downloaded pictures from my yahoo site and transferred all of it to Sony Image Station instead.. Lo and Behold! Pictures on the blog! Now, I'm looking for another place to deposit the song. The funny thing is that I can hear the song sometimes, and other times I can't. And yet at other times, I can hear only segments of the song. According to the Real Player website, this is what happens when the internet traffic is high, or when there are problems with the host server (ah-ha! I was right!).

So, until I get all the glitches done up, I hope you keep tuning in to the blog. One fine day, I know everything will be ay-okay, and you'd see pictures and hear the song! :)

*******************
The practicum posting came out last night. Chen Ying called me to say it was out. But I knew my posting since Friday cos I contacted the Principal of Holy Innocents High School. I met up with her last year and she agreed to put in a request for me to teach there. So when she replied to say that I'd be posted there, I was excited... Yes, excited. Last week, I was in a wreck of nerves. I was nervous as my tutors spoke about lesson plans and what we should be doing during practicum. It was like suddenly, reality had set in. Yes, Deb. You ARE going to teach finally.

Can I do it? Will I be able to handle it? How about the stress? And working with new people? Do I know enough to teach? What if...?

I am glad I have left all those questions behind. Yes, they are real questions, but how far can it bring me worrying about something I know not of answers until the time comes? Now, knowing that I'd be posted to HIHS, and with the Principal's intention to keep me there after I graduate, I feel a new conviction. A conviction to make a change where I can. I will give my best, and let the driving force that got me to leave my job and come into teaching motivate me. Ah, yes. Teach. Finally.

I'm proud of myself. Really proud. I stayed a total of six hours in the computer lab in the library yesterday completing my assignments. Done with counselling, and almost finished one of the CPA papers. Now, I've to set three exam papers, state the rational behind the questions, and come up with a marking scheme. It's tiring doing it, but we need to know it. When I get to school, I WILL need to know how to set papers.

And when I got back last night, I was still doing editing for the web articles. The mind is a powerful tool. I was physically tired, but my mind wouldn't rest. It kept going and going and going.... But by 11.30pm, I decided to let the body take over. SLEEP.... And here I am, at 7.15am, blogging, re-energized. *stretch* A brand new day! :)

To my NIE classmates...
Hey, Addy - no more Montfort boys for you this time! Hope the new school's better! And you got Peter Teo for your supervisor! Anyone got Alex? And Debby will be teaching in the same school as Dionne... Mag, I know your supervisor. She's quite a nice young lady. Worked with her on one of my graphic design projects before last time. She talks fast, though! We're gonna teach! Hey - must share ideas for lessons, yah? :) See you all on Monday when we will figure out our English assignment... Til then, enjoy the weekend!

A Tribute to Cookie

This time last year, I held Cookie in my hands, closed her eyes and kissed her goodbye. I took my last whiff of her soft light brown hair as I did that. I could not control my tears. That would be the last time I would be seeing Cookie.

This time last year, Cookie died.

Cookie was our family's pet poodle for 12 years. We got her when she was barely 3 months old. She was gift from my mum's colleague who was breeding dogs. She thought Cookie was special cos of her "apricot-coloured" fur. She was right.

I watched Cookie as she grew. I remember her as a little puppy, getting up almost every hour in the night crying for attention. I would go to her little basket and pat her to sleep. I remember her when she was weaning. I lent her my hand to chew on, but she never bit hard enough to hurt me. I remember her playing ball. She would jump so high just so she could catch it. I remember Cookie being punished (by Dad) cos she chewed on our furniture.

A flood of fond memories fill my head when I think of Cookie. How could I ever forget how she locked herself in the house? Or that her favourite Chinese New Year kueh is kueh bankit? Or that she hated red bean soup but loved ice cream? And loved to play in the sea? Or that she hated bathing but loved drying her fur with the hair-dryer? She brought much joy and amusement to us, but most of all, she touched each one of us in her own little way.

She was my source of comfort when I was feeling sad. I would hug her and talk to her as if she understood every word I said. She'd sit and listen attentively until I was done. What's best? She didn't judge, and I could trust her to keep everything I said in strict confidentiality.

She was a companion to mum in her darkest hours. She'd sleep by her side and be there day and night.

She feared my brother cos he didn't pamper her as much as we did. But still she was a faithful dog. She'd greet him when he got back from school, and plonk herself beside him when he was watching TV. It was as if she was saying -"I'm here."

She'd play with Grace and Wendy when they came over, and lick Max's hand. She'd slather licks of love when my uncle came, and jump high when family friends visited. If she was really happy, she'd sprint round the house like a mad dog until she was tired. Even my muslim neighbours loved her!

But last year, Cookie's health took a turn for the worse. She suddenly refused to eat. She'd crouch in pain. She got thinner by the day. There were complications - diabetes and liver failure. The vet asked us to expect the worse. She was too old to operate on, and even if we did, there was no guarantee she'd live. And so we made the choice to take her back home from the hospital and let her live her last days with her loved ones.

The last few days of Cookie's life saw her in the most serene state. Even in her weakness, she'd get up to greet whoever that came. One by one, those whose lives she had touched with her unconditional love came to visit her. They stifled their tears as they saw Cookie lie in silent pain.

Day by day, my mum would tell Cookie "It's OK, dear. Just let go and go back to God." But she held on - til this date last year.

After Cookie died, the house felt empty. Silence. No more barks. No more sounds made by tiny paws. Just quiet.

But 60 days after Cookie she left us, I saw paw prints on my living room floor - leading from the main door to the kitchen. I told my mum and brother about it. They saw it too. We're all puzzled, but never said a thing. I guess deep in our hearts, we know that her spirit lives in our home - the spirit of warmth and unconditional love.

This time last year, Cookie died. But the memory of her, and all that she has taught us remain in us forever.

Being Resilient

I have finally put in the last words for my counseling assignment. It is probably the longest assignment I've done to date - a total of 21 pages, including three lesson plans as part of the group guidance proposal. And just when I thought I had it all done up, I realised that I have not made enough citations to make it an academic piece of art. So, here I am, back on the drawing board, scrutinizing line by line, to see where I can fit in researchers' names, just so my paper looks, well, more academic.

And so, my plan to start on my CPA assignment falls flat on my face. I have to do that tomorrow - I hope! I have to push on. I have to finish my counseling assignment by tonight! But I needed a break, so here I am, blogging while the soft piano sounds of Jim Brickman in the background make me feel all so peaceful...

I read an article in a magazine today. It was about that woman that played opposite Arnie in T3 (whatever her name is.) The point of the article was what she did to achieve her dream of acting in that show. The producers who auditioned her said she was too skinny to take the role, but she was resilient. She believed she could do it. It was her dream, and she wanted to fulfil that dream.

And so the article goes on to say how she fulfilled her dream. Her motto: "Believe in, and follow your dreams." Her five step formula that got her to her dream:
Step 1 Get support - from your family and friends.
Step 2 Pursue your passion - nothing is greater than a driving force that comes from within.
Step 3 Set specific goals - know what gets you to your dream, and achieve these little by little. Eventually, you'll get there.
Step 4 Work hard - don't expect the road to be easy.
Step 5 Be resilent - don't let anything stand in your way.

Simple steps, but I think it says a lot, and can be applied to our everyday lives. Step 5 especially struck me. I realised that I am my greatest obstacle to my goals. All the negative self-talk has to be changed to positive ones. And so what if I don't get it right the first time? I shouldn't let failure stand in my way. I should pick myself up again. I am my greatest challenge.

With this in mind, I think I should move back to my counseling assignment. Sure, I ploughed through books and websites to do my research over the last two weeks. And now, just as I thought I had it all done, I realise it's not good enough. What do I do? Push on, Deb. You're almost there. There is a pressure to excel in this paper. I can't help it. I have an affinity to it.

Be resilient, Deb. Yes, I know.... I will get there.

Living This Life for Me

Many of you were asking me to put up on the web the song Living This Life for Me, written by a friend of mine. You asked for it, so here it is! So, move aside Oliver James, and let's support our local talent instead! And if you want to sing along, here are the lyrics again...

Living this Life for Me
I've been hiking on this road
for a long time
All the trips and falls
I try to take them in my stride

Sometimes the end's so far
I just want to give up
I want to quit the fight
But the thought of you
Standing by my side
Gives me hope
Gives me strength
Gives me reason to go on
Your belief in me
Helps me get up on my feet

This is my life
My moment's here
No dream's too bold
No age too old
There is so much more for me
There is so much more to see
I will dive the ocean
Race the plains
And scale the highest mountains
Coz I'm living this life for me (X2)

Some people tell me not to push
Myself too hard
It's not for me
So I let myself down
And never really lived

But in your eyes
There're no boundaries
I can have it if I want it
You opened up my world
And now truly alive I feel

I want to sing (my song)
I want to lift (my soul)
I want to dance for the whole world to see
I can fly (so high)
Spread my wings (touch the sky)
Feel the air beneath my feet

Now, let the music ring in your ears and be a source of inspiration! Like I mentioned before, it came from a CD compilation dedicated to teachers (which most of us are!). Check out the website at www.mngmusic.com and click on the top banner on Parcel of Love - that's the title of the CD. There you can see why and how the CD was conceptualised, know the songwriters, see other lyrics... etc.

******
Ah.. had a late night trying to complete my counselling assignment. Glad that it's almost done. Just one last lesson plan to do, fill in all the references, and there you go - my first completed assignment this semester. Then it's on to the CPA ones... Hope I can finish at least most of it this week.. Yes, have to start pushing myself hard. I've been like a jellyfish for too long! Then it's on to the English assignment which besides Alvin (and maybe Pat), none of us have a clue on what to do! And to think we're all to-be English teachers, huh? What's to become of our future generation? *tremble*

Practicum postings will probably come out this week. I'm crossing my fingers and praying hard. Yesterday, I sent Fr Heng an email to ask him and all his novices to pray for me too.. Am storming heaven with my prayers! Of course, I hope to get to teach in a Catholic school, but I leave it to the Big guy above, to send me wherever I need to go, to make use of all my talents and all I have, to touch as many lives as possible.. after all, that is the main reason why I came into teaching. Hopefully, this time, armed with counseling knowledge , I'd be able to understand my students better. :)

I'll leave you with a quote to ponder on...
"Some men see things as they are, and say "Why?" I see things that never were, and say "Why not?"
~ George Bernard Shaw

Thanks, my friends...

You guys just put tears in my eyes with your messages! Having seen (0) comments at the end of my postings each day, I was beginning to accept the fact that no one was going to post their comments anymore.. but hey, I was surprised yesterday when I decided to take a second look!

Thanks, Addy. Your words touched my heart. Til this day, I will never forget that day when you said to me "Deborah deserves the best!". It brings tears to my eyes each time I think of what you said.. Really touched...

And Ju, thanks for your encouragement too. You are a constant reminder that if I believe it, I can experience the love of my life one day...

Pris, thanks for your support too... I'm tearing now as I recall what you told me on Saturday.. "It's time you get the good things, Deb".

Wendy, for all your support, and daily conversations about everything and anything... for letting me pour out all my stories, philosophies of life, excitement... and just listening.. I have much to learn from you, especially in that module of life I don't seem to get right. Maybe this time, I will? And I will keep those words you told me close to my heart, "When the time comes, you'll just know it." Thanks to you and Pris for planting my feet firmly on the ground each time I begin to fly aimlessly. :)

And for all of you, my friends, for being part of my life in some way. You make me feel so loved. :)

My Valentine's Day

I probably had the best Valentine's Day yesterday. No - no hot dates, no chocolates, no roses, no cramming with the rest of the love birds in Singapore in the heart of town. Instead, I was on a mission.. well, maybe a little more than one.

Jeff had wanted to propose to Wendy yesterday. And so I came up with an elaborate plan, that had me going to their new home at punggol early in the morning. After mopping up the floor just so it sparkled a little more, I made my way down to Clarke Quay to collect two bouquets of flowers which I had ordered earlier - one for Wendy, and the other for my brother's girlfriend (shhhh.. it's supposed to be a secret!). I rushed back home to meet my brother and passed him the flowers, before rushing out again to Wendy's new home, left the flowers there, switched on the air-con and left the room freshener on. Then I layed out the picnic mat, scattered the rose petals from the door to the mat, and littered the path that formed with tea-light candles. I layed out the red cutlery, and even tied the utensils with olive green ribbons - Wendy's favourite colour. :) Then I rushed back to town to get the food.

With pizza, chicken wings, beef pie, a box of Thos SB truffles, wasabi macademia nuts, and pink dolphin mineral water, I grabbed a cab and rushed back to her flat. I layed everything out nicely, plugged my MP3 player to the speakers my brother lent me, and left the music running, hoping that when Wendy walks in, her favourite song will be played. Oh well, I loaded up a few of her favourite songs in the player, so hopefully, at least one will be played when she walks in. I lit the candles, sent an SMS to Jeff to tell him my mission was completed and headed home.

On the way back, Pris sent me an SMS, inviting me out for dinner at White Sands - "Let's eat ice-cream" she says. And so I met Roy and Pris for dinner, feasting on rodeo wings, some 49er sandwich, garlic pita bread, and "Topless Five" ice-cream.. which was supposed to be just 5 scoops of ice cream without topping.. But we wanted the topping! So we had hot fudge on top of the "topless 5" ice-cream. How ironical, right?

I had a great time with Roy and Pris, and was really glad they spent their Valentine's Day with me. We talked and laughed, went to NTUC to get groceries, then came back to my place where Pris brutally smashed a lizard that was lurking in my kitchen (and I am so traumatised cos I saw the whole "murder"). Roy got rid of the dead lizard and the murder weapon. What was so hilarious was that Pris just smashed the lizard repeatedly with the box that used to hold the aluminium foil, and then ran off! It was a case of "hit-and-run"! Then my mum decided to knock on my neighbour's door to see if they were selling their flat, so that Pris and Roy could shift in! So there we went.. Never underestimate my mum.. She can make friends with anyone!

Over at Punggol, Wendy was pleasantly surprised and touched by the gesture. Of course she accepted the proposal, but she wasn't surprised I did most of the work.. Hey, but at least that man made an effort right? Even if it was "Eh, so you want to marry me?" (Arrghh... so much for telling him it's supposed to be "Will you marry me?"). Ah yes.. now we can call Jeff Wendy's fiance. :)

I enjoyed every moment of the day yesterday, but the one thing that struck me was the conversation I had with the cab driver from town to Wendy's home. He was very eloquent when he spoke. He was telling me about the hype of Valentine's Day, and about his three daughters, and their boyfriends, and about love and relationships. Then he asked if I were married. No, I said. Seeing someone? No, I said. Why not? he asked. I don't know, I answered. You're so pretty and eloquent (*blush*) he said. Thank you, I said. You must be fussy, he said. I don't think so, I said. I think men just get intimidated by me. I said. Don't wait too long, he said. Make sure you get someone within 2 years ?Huh? I was thinking....

He continued with the story of his daughter, and about her boyfriend, and about how dumb men can be these days. I smiled... During the conversation, he found out that I was helping Jeff propose to Wendy, hence the food. Awww.. that's so nice of you, he said. Thank you, I said.

It wasn't too long before we reached Punggol. Thank you very much, he said. I had a very nice time talking to you. Me too, I said. Have a nice day. You too, he said. Don't worry, girl, he said... Someday, somebody's gonna do this for you.

I thanked him and made my way up the flat. His words rang in my ears as I prepared the food for Wendy and Jeff. Lots of people have told me this before, but somehow, I was touched when he said that. I had a good feeling in my heart. Somehow, I think it will come true. :)

My Valentine's Day... being single on this day isn't so bad after all!

Understanding Adolescents

I've been so much into my assignment these days that I can't help but think about how my students will be when I finally meet them come 1 March. I guess I am acquiring more information than necessary because I feel a need to understand them better.

As I read all the changes that they go through - cognitively, psychologically, socially, emotionall and physically, I wonder how I ever went through that phase. With theories and research, it seems that the adolescent is indeed difficult to understand. What's worse is that not all of them develop together at the same rate. Some mature faster than others. There is a period of awkwardness since they are neither here nor there - not a child, not an adult. They are creating an identity for themselves, yet they need to assimilate themselves in society. Doesn't sound like an easy task to me.

And so, armed with pages of information, I have explanations as to why teenagers act the way they do. When I get to class come March, and if I see a flying chair coming in my direction, I'll duck and keep my cool. Psychologists have explanations for that act. And counsellors have action plans as to what to do to control that anger. I can handle the situation Sounds easy? Somehow, I think not.

My heart thumps as I think of the practicum. What ifs fill my mind. I wonder if I can handle the students, churn out lesson plans and be creative at the same time. I wonder if I can build rapport with my students. I wonder... But wondering too much doesn't help. So I take a deep breath and think positive.

I'm smiling :)

I'm smiling cos I think I've found life again. I'm smiling because I found my drive back. I'm smiling cos I'm busy and stressed with assignments, but I relish the challenge that accompanies it.

I'm smiling because I'm happy.

In a poetic mood again....

My journey
My journey down the road is a mystery
I never know where it'll turn
Where it'll lead me to
Will I survive it? Or will I burn?

I'm crippled with fear sometimes
And shiver in anxiety
Wondering what's to come next
And if I ever will live life completely

But no hurdle is too hard for me to overcome
If I keep my dream alive
In my heart
The flame of hope
Of excitement
Of anticipation
Lights up my soul
And gives it strength
To conquer all

Deborah Anne Chew

Inspiring!

It started with a basic premise - that there's something in everyone that's worth believing in, worth sharing with, and worth investing in. It's a vision of sharing, caring, and bringing people from all walks of life together. It was a simple vision, and now, it is on its way to bigger things - and more to come. It all started with a simple guy, having a simple vision - just because he cared to think about the others around him, and see the potential in each and everyone around.

As I left my two hour meeting with him, I had a general idea of his vision, and what has been done so far. I was speechless and deep in thought. Whilst wondering how I could contribute to this vision, I wondered where he got his energy from. There was this zest of life, an overflow of enthusiasm that was almost infectious. He seemed tireless, and looked nothing like a guy who had barely four hours of sleep. He was hopping from meeting to meeting, and there wasn't a hint of tiredness in his eyes. Instead, they sparkled with excitement. Like a little child telling a vivid story, I listened as he poured out yet more ideas, complete with hand gestures and animated facial expressions. In short, the more I got to know him, the more he amazed me. But yet there was no hint of pride in him. Simple and humble, he thought nothing of what he was doing. He just focused on his vision, and used all he had to make his dream come true.

I came home thinking about the meeting I had with him. It was the first time meeting him, yet there was just something special about him that made me feel that he had just touched my life - probably even without even him knowing. I think he had started the engine of enthusiasm that was dead in me for a while. I came home after a long day feeling recharged and looking forward to the next meeting with him and a team of people to see how I can use my writing to touch yet more lives. I pulled out piles of files in front of me as I ambitiously attempt to finish one of my many NIE assignments tonight. I'll need all the time I can squeeze in now to see how I can contribute to this huge project. I foresee sleepless nights, dark eye rings and heavy eye bags. But sharing in someone's dream, and doing what I can for a good cause makes it all worthwhile.

It got me deep in thought too, that we never can tell when or where or how someone's life can be touched by what we say and do. But when that happens, celebrate and learn from it, so that more lives may be touched.

I have learnt. I was touched. I have been inspired. To you who touched my life - my heartfelt thanks. Now, go celebrate. Because you have just showed me that even in simplicity, we can achieve things of great complexity.

Sport Climbing, the Scratches, the Bruises and the Lesson Learnt

Today, I spent my time from 10am to 5pm at Climb Asia with 11 other friends, learning how to scale a wall spotted with boulders. We went throught the theory part of the climb in the morning, and began learning how to belay and climb after lunch.

I had always wanted to try my hands at sport climbing. I thought it was pretty cool trying to find cracks and crevices to plant my hands and feet in as I try to attempt the vertical wall. Looks pretty easy, ain't it? Well, not so!

Once you're up there, your body weight suddenly feels like a tonne. You lose your senses on where the boulders are, and where you can plant your feet, and your arms just ache and ache til they get numb. The wall doesn't seem so high from the bottom, but when you're actually doing the climb, the way up there seem endless!

I tried climbing the wall twice. I didn't reach the top on both tries, but I was pretty happy with my performance. It wasn't my intention to reach the top. I was just happy I tried what I always wanted to try. Each time I came down from the climb, I collected scratches and bruises on my hands and knees. I didn't even know where I got them from! It must have been when I was too excited and anxious to want to grip on one of the boulders to lift myself further up. At the end of the day, I think I was the champion climber that collected the most wounds. I left Climb Asia with two plasters across my fists. I looked as though I was crucified up there!

But don't let my experience scare the rest of you who are interested in the sport. It is really fun if you get the technique right. There's a lot of thinking that goes into the climb. You need to plan where to put your hands and feet and how to shift your body weight from left to right. I guess my body weight was just one large mass that it didn't make a difference whether it was on the left or right.. I just felt I weighed a tonne! The guys in the group did very well. The managed to reach the top on three different walls quite easily, and some of the other girls made it up there too. I really admired Wendy for her determination to reach the top despite being really tired. She just didn't want to give up! Good on you, girl!

I must be thinking too hard again, cos at the end of the day, I realised something about me. I have changed. I don't know if it's for the better or not, but I know I have changed. The Deborah of yesterday would have pushed herself to the top. The Deborah of yesterday would have done all she could just to prove that she could be better if not equal to the rest. The Deborah of yesterday would have felt defeated and discouraged if she saw that everyone else could reach the top, and she couldn't. The Deborah of yesterday would have felt really lousy. But the Deborah of today didn't.

When I came home, I felt happy. I felt happy that I finally tried my hands on sport climbing and who cares if I didn't reach the top. I did the best I could. I felt happy for Wendy and the rest for being able to reach the top. I could share the joy of their achievement. I didn't feel a compelling need to prove myself. I just felt comfortable with my less than perfect aim. It mattered more that I saw others achieving their heights.

Maybe this can be a reflection of how things should be when I teach. It shouldn't matter as much if I don't get my distinctions or prove that I am smarter than every student I teach. It should however matter that I see that they achieve their goals, and reach the highest point they can reach. And when that happens, I will be able to share the joy they experience. It matters more that I've tried my best in teaching them, and influencing them.

Practicum is going to start in March. I hope I will be able to touch the lives of my students... some of them, if not all...

Falling in Love?

Last week, Wendy told me she was going to get her marriage registered next month. My heart thumped hard. "Wow! Wendy's gonna get married!" One of the last few of my close friends who's not yet married, is finally getting married! The one girl who told me she's going to take her time to walk down the aisle is going to get married! I felt all so happy for her, but at the same time, in my heart, I wondered if I'm lagging behind too much?

Friends tell me my time will come. My prince charming will come. I will get married one day. Someone will make me feel all so special one day. Love, marriage, kids... they all will come one day. The words come and go like the day. I wait and wait. I pray and pray. Men came, and went. I loved and lost. I laughed and cried. Now all that's left is a healing heart, wondering what went wrong, and waiting again.

But waiting is a tiring game. Waiting without knowing what you're waiting for is even more tiring. I marvel at how some can go through the game over and over again, starting almost immediately as though they had a heart so strong. I don't seem to be able to do that. Pris calls it the "once bitten twice shy syndrome". I think I've been bitten more than once. And I had put myself through the same ordeal over and over again over the years. And now, I feel tired. I don't seem to want to try anymore.

If falling in love was a core module in the course of life, I'd fail it miserably. I never seem to get it right. Maybe I just fall in love too easily, too soon, and too deep. "I should be well-schooled" but I still haven't learnt...

Don't get me wrong. I am no heartless creature. I am a hardcore romantic. I love weddings, and I love to see friends around me fall in love. I love to hear of stories of how people express their love to each other, and I have a long list of things men should do to make their woman fall for them all over again. But most of all, I still love men.

It's just that the thought of falling in love, and falling out of it scares me.

Falling in love? I'd pass for now...

Who am I Kid-ding?

I thought I had just turned 23. Between then and now, I must have suffered from amnesia cos I can't quite remember celebrating the years in between. And now, as I tend towards the upper end of twenty, I begin to realise that years have flown past me with a bat of an eyelid.

I relish the feeling each time people think I'm still in my early 20s. Most of my NIE classmates are about 6 years younger than I am, but they can't tell the difference. They raise their eyebrows in surprise when they realise that I am born in the 70s, not the 80s, like them.

On my flight to Sydney, the flight stewardess asked if I was going back to Aussieland for studies. I smiled... In my T-shirt and jeans, I look very much like any other undergraduate.

I seem to be doing the things I have done before. I still play with my teddy bears, feel all so comfortable in my jeans and T-shirt, sing tunes from Animaniacs, and exercise more than I have ever done. So, discounting the two digits that change yearly, what else has changed? Sure, the skin on the face is not as plump, injuries take longer to heal, I get sleepy more easily, and parties are no longer jumping up and down to the beat of some strange music.

I had a talk with a few of my close friends one night, and we all agree that we have to admit it sometimes - we have aged. We are all growing older. We don't have the energy that we used to have. In short, we have mellowed down. And the tiredness can be seen in our eyes. They don't sparkle with enthusiasm like they did before. Instead, the eyes now speak of the language of "I have been there, and done that." And I ask myself, "What next?"

I tell my NIE classmates to enjoy their youth while they can. I tell them the body naturally begin to age when they reach my age. For a moment, I feel like some age-old guru. It's scary to note that I have decades of my life more to experience.

And so there exists a tension of feeling old, yet young at the same time. Looking back, I tell myself - Wow, I have travelled that much. But looking ahead, I ask myself - there is so much more to go? It is as if I am waving goodbye to youthhood, and saying hello to adulthood. Is this what some call the "quarter-life crisis"?

As I continue with life, I picture myself taking one step at a time. On one hand, I wish the hands of the time do not move, that I be young forever. On the other, I wish it to move faster, so that I can experience the richness that life has to offer. I approach life with a mixed feeling of fear, anticipation and excitement. I wonder what life has in store for me, yet on the other hand, I try to control what I want life to present to me.

And so with valuable experiences in tow, and new challenges ahead I have to overcome, I have to admit defeat. Much as I look young, and act young, and try to deny the fact that age is but a number, I am no longer a kid who can live life anyway she wants without a care in the world.

I figured it out - age is not just a number. It is telling you that you are growing up more and more each day into a unique individual.

I am no longer a kid. I should stop kidding myself.

Fill Life...

Somehow, I stumbled upon this website "The Daily Motivator". Everyday, the writer writes on some philosophy of life. Today, he talks about filling your life with good things. I'd like to share it with you here...

Fill life
Fill the world around you with beauty, and there will be no place left for darkness.
Let your spirit be filled with joy, and there will be no room available for anxiety.

Fill your body with nutritious food, and there will be no room for toxic junk.
Fill your heart with love, and there will be no place left for hatred.

Fill your actions with real, meaningful purpose, and there will be no room for doubt or insecurity.
Fill your moments with goodness, and there will be no place for resentment.

Fill your relationships with kindness, with sincerity, and there will be no room left for discord.
Fill your mind with positive thoughts, and there will be no space left for dismay.

Fill your days with passion and meaning, and there will be no room for regret.
The more good, positive, loving, productive and effective things with which you fill your life, the less room there will be for the undesirable things.

Fill your life, your world, with the best that you can give.

-- Ralph Marston

I Fall in Love Too Easily

I've been hearing this jazz album by Al Somma - nice deep voice. I'd describe his voice as Harry Connick Jr. meets Steve Tyrell. I can't help but feel for this song that he sang. I think it was originally sung by Frank Sinatra. It's called I Fall in Love Too Easily.

There are those who can leave love or take it
Love to them is just what they make it
I wish that I were the same
But love is my fav’rite game

I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast
I fall in love too terribly hard
For love to ever last

My heart should be well-schooled
’cause I’ve been burned in the past
And still I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast