Caught the flu bug

I think those late nights tapping the keyboard in front of the PC has taken its toll on me. Got up this morning with a sore throat, a runny nose, watery eyes and a slight cough. The head feels heavy, and I really don't want to do my assignment anymore. All I want to do is sleep. Well, it's either the late nights, or I have been relaxing too much.

You see, I read somewhere that people tend to fall sick when they relax too fast after a high stress period. This is because of some hormones which affect the immunity of the body. The immunity drops because the brain senses that it does not need so much energy to deal with the stress anymore, and as a result the body becomes temporarily susceptible to virus. It seems to prevent this, relaxation after a high stress period should be gradual. Oh well - better sick now than when I'm in Sydney!

Alright, I've gotta go to the market now - highly domesticated, huh? Will deal with the flu bug later. Ahh...chooo!!!

Bless you!

Pictures on the blog!

I finally learnt how to add in images to my blog! Yippee!! So now, you will be able to see more pictures. Cool! I'm really beginning to love this blog! Now I feel happier...

Went to school today to hand in my assignment. I missed the 199 bus when I was on the way back. Thought I'd have to wait very long, but lo and behold, I saw this familiar black car... I was thinking to myself, "if only that was Alvin's car." And it really was! So I got a free lift to Suntec City.. so nice of you, Alvin! Thanks!

Am still trying to do my assignment, but am not progressing very well. Am still stuck, but it feels better knowing that all my classmates are stuck with it too.... so, it's not just me! I feel mentally constipated... :(

Just a welcome note to new visitors of my blog - Uncle Joel and Grace 1! And to all of you who have been consistently reading my blog.. thanks! Hope you're enjoying all of this!

I'm stuck!

Hey - not a problem, Pris. Anytime.. anytime...

I've been quiet lately. Guess it's cos I've not been to school these few days, so I've not been talking to anyone much. Have been home alone these few days, trying very hard to do up my LAST assignment, and study for next week's grammar test. Unfortunately, there hasn't been much progress. I've only started on a quarter of the assignment, and have no clue how to do the rest of it.... Arrghhh.. it's frustrating!!! Analysing students' mistakes is no easy task!

Wendy and I didn't jog yesterday. She had to get down to town to get herself a computer cos the one at home has crashed beyond redemption. So there went my exercise plans. Oh well... Just when I need the endorphins to prep up my mood...

I'm going to school later to hand in my educational psychology assignment. Each time I hand in an assignment, it's like another burden lifted.. Can't wait to hand in my last assignment, be over and done with the grammar test, and celebrate! I'll be going with a whole bunch of classmates to Gelare for ice-cream! Ha ha.. can't wait!!

Alright - enough escape time for me here. Think I'd better get back to my assignment and try to make sense of it. Will write again... and oh, Ian... hope things are going well with you and your girl... She called you, I hope?

Take care!

Of Relationships

I just realised that Pris posted her blog just 5 seconds before mine. Talk about telepathy. For those of you who don't know, Pris and I have this "freaky" thing going on between the both of us. We often think alike, speak alike, and even dress alike. Some of our little quirky habits are also alike, not to mention the mood swings and crankiness! And the freaky part of it is that we don't influence each other. That's just the way we are. Guess our primary one teacher kinda knew that and made us partner each other in school.

Pris got me thinking about relationships again. I do agree that communication is the key. Lots of times, misunderstandings occur because of the lack of communication. We keep things to ourselves and expect our partners to know. Then we start assuming and presuming based on what we think the situation is, making it even worse. But as some of you may realise, open communication is not easy if both sides are not equally open. If one wants the other to be open, then he or she should be equally open to admitting their faults and apologizing. It takes two to clap.

But yet again, some things just happen within a short span of time. People change. Preferences change. Habits change, we cannot deny that. But people are also flexible to adapting to change. I guess relationships are about giving and taking. It involves a mutual exchange between two individuals. It is a partnership. It's like a dance. If one moves, and the other doesn't, it'd be hard to dance. And so to dance together, both will have to move and anticipate each others moves, and accommodate to these moves.

I was for once a commitment phobic. Now, once in a while, fear creeps up in me when I think about a relationship. Like Pris, I asked myself if relatioships would really work. Past experiences don't help much. I've seen and experienced my fair share of infidelities. It's a hard reality to know that my future partner may just be like that. But I forced myself to put those past experiences aside, and live in the present. I don't let the past nor the future hold me back from wanting to love and spend the rest of my life with someone else.

And so Pris, what I want to say is that we cannot tell for sure if relationships would work. Some do, some don't, and it's a whole plethora of reasons why they do and don't. Some say opposites attract, some say there must be common ground. Couples work their way through thick and thin, while others just call it quits. We don't know why. But we should not be discouraged by what we see or hear, because each one of us is special, and when two special people bond together, there can be nothing else that can duplicate that bond. The same goes for you and your guy. Both of you are special and the bond you have is special. We cannot tell for sure what the future holds for both of you. You just have to "dance" togther in your marriage, and from what I see, I think both of you are doing pretty well.

Fr Fenelon once asked us - why do we worry so much about the past and the future when we are in the present? God's gift to you is the present. The future is His plan - something He's in charge of, not us. Our past is but a backdrop for the present. Live then, in the present, and enjoy all you can. And know that whatever happens in the future, you have a friend walking with you always :)

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift. That is why we call it the present."

Exercise?

Wendy and I had a debate yesterday evening. For a full half an hour, we were shooting out reasons and points. We tried to justify our cause. We knew we were on the losing end. The reasons were not good enough. Our opponent was far too strong. In the end, we admitted defeat. We laughed at ourselves, and concluded that we were just plain lazy.

If you want to know, we were debating whether or not to jog.

After a long and tiring day, jogging is perhaps one of the last things you would want to do. But we have to. Wendy and I push each other to jog just to keep fit and well, burn excess fats. It's the key to less jiggly thighs and a tighter ab. We try to do it twice a week, but we pat ourselves on the back if we can even make it once. We're supposed to jog today. We'll see if we start debating again, huh, Wendy? :)

My eyes are half open as I was playing around with the counter for the website late last night- notice the cute train counter over at the margin? It helps me track how many people have visited my blog. Of course, i cheated. It's counting hits, not visits - which means that each time I reload a page, the number goes up!

In any case, I had to get up early today as I had to sign up for my elective module next semester online. There were a few technical glitches, but thankfully, I managed to get the module I wanted - something to do with guidance and counselling. My friends weren't so lucky though.. Most of them couldn't get into the class as it was full. Looks like I'll be the only one taking this among all of us.. I hope I make some nice friends in my new class!

I'm gonna get on with my next assignment, and start studying for my grammar test next week. But before I leave you, I'd like to share with you something.

I sent an email to my UET tutor the day before to inform her that I could not help her out to sell T-shirts as I had earlier volunteered to do so. My granduncle passed away and I was needed at the funeral. At the same time, I sent her a thank you note, to thank her for teaching us all the correct pronunciation, and for being so encouraging. I never thought much about how the email would affect her. It was just thanks from the heart.

And so, I was pleasantly surprised when Pamela told me that she told her that I sent her a really nice email, and that she was so happy to read what I wrote. Yesterday, I learnt something from this - you never know how your small gesture can touch a person's heart. It doesn't take much out of us to sometimes say thank you, and show our appreciation to others around us. Yet, we don't do it often enough.

I learnt something from this incident. I hope it enlightens you too.

A less talked about topic

It's me again. Barely having four hours worth of shut eyes, I am up again. You see, I have to help out at my granduncle's funeral today. My mum asked me to standby and help out while they go off to church for the funeral and later on for the cremation. I am to "report" for duty at Blk 615 Bedok Reservoir Road at 9am sharp. My spirit is willing, but my body says "sleep"... Hopefully, my cold would have stopped by then, and my eyes less itchy... It seems I am allergic to work. :)

My mother has been running around lately to help her cousin out at the demise of his father. She seems so good at it. She knows the rites, the customs, what to do, what not to do, the sequence of doing things, the simplified version of doing things, and the non-simplified version of doing things. She knows who should get the oranges, what it symbolizes, who should get the little red packets, what to do with the little red packets, and even what to do with too much flowers from the many wreaths that have been sent. Wow!

Hearing her giving instructions to her cousin over the phone, I wonder if I would know what to do when the time comes. I think I don't. And so just yesterday, I told my mum that she should write a manual - like an idiot's guide to wakes and funerals, catered to the generation X of mine (not so much Y yet.. customs may change by then..). She tried to stifle her laugh as she shooed down my idea with a "choi". Hmmm... I thought it was a good idea.. No?

When she came home late last night, I shared my idea with my brother. He thought it was a good idea too. He added.. "ya, like a dummies' guide". He also added that perhaps my mum should take up a full time job as an undertaker! I said she was a specialist - right down to being the angel of death.

You see, my mum has a special gift. She prays for the terminally ill, those who are suffering and who are on their death beds, clinging on to their dear lives because they are afraid to let go. And so my mum has this prayer, which she says with the consent of their family members. This prayer is so strong, that it has been on record so far that within 24 hours of that prayer, the dying will let go in peace, and return to God. I am not kidding here. And so, my brother and I call her the Angel of Death.

And as you may have guessed, since I am so open about talking about a much taboo subject that everyone seem to avoid, my mum, brother and I are not afraid of death. Someday, we all believe, we will all leave this place. And since we are here, why should we avoid talking about something we will eventually face? And so it is quite common in our conversation to tell each other things like.. "When I die, don't make it so fanciful." My brother wants a one-day wake. My mum wants hers simple, and I want cashew nuts served to my visitors. I also want nice jazz songs played at my wake. I am the fussier one :)

Since I am at this topic of death, a few days back, I told Wendy I was wondering what people will say of my when I die. What will be on my obituary? What would be said in the eulogies? And so, it got me thinking. I do want people to remember me because I have touched their hearts in one way or other, because I have been a friend to them, because I have made a mark on them. Such things will not be forgotten. But have I done anything noteworthy?

Someone mentioned to me once that we should live our lives as though it is our last day. I ask myself today - if this is my last day, what will I do? What have I done? Have I touched enough people's lives to fill up a page for my eulogy?

You let me know. I hope I have.

Proud of myself

Finally, I wrote my last line of my 2300-word assignment. I told myself I will not distract myself with blogging until I finished this assignment. And so, after analysing my pupil using all sorts of psychological theories, I am now rewarding myself by writing on my blog.

Ian called me earlier. So sweet of him. He's actually reading my blog - every single entry! And he called me up to see if I was OK after reading it. See, I told you he is a sensitive new age guy! Besides whining again about how private his girl is still, he also gave me good words of advice on what I should do with Mark... Smart guy... he kinda guessed immediately who Mark actually is. Thanks, Ian.. for just listening, for caring, and for making me cry... again! Actually, you just also showed me that not all guys will run away from a friendship just because he knows that you like him. Thanks for keeping the friendship going all these while!

But seriously, I'd like to thank all of you friends who have been giving me the courage and moral support I need in this. I feel really vulnerable now, and lost sometimes, and your words of encouragement give me strength. I count all of these as God's way of giving me strength and courage to tell Mark what I've been keeping in me for the longest time! And I know that if nothing turns out of it, I can count on you for comfort. And if something good evolves, I can count on you to share my joy.

Hey Pris - good to hear from you again... Wendy say our blogs sound alike. Yes, unconditional love. I think I'd like that too. I believe so much in it, but it's really hard, especially with people we're not to fond of... Lipids? No, can't remember that... only remember vasectomy, and page 120 of the bio book.. :-) Free next Saturday? Mama Liyi said we can meet with our godson again.. maybe at Equinox for high tea? Yumm, yumm..

And before I leave to retire for the night, here's one quotation I got out of Tuesdays with Morrie that had perhaps pushed me to make the decision to go into teaching.

"A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops." Henry Adams

Here's cheers to all my NIE friends and teacher friends!!

My Sunday

It's been a long while since I could just relax the whole day. I put aside the thought that I have two pending assignments and a test to study for, and went ahead just enjoying my Sunday. Started the day early by going to church first, then did a little shopping and lunch with my brother. After that, I went for a swim, did some grocery shopping, came back, dumped my stuff, grabbed another quick bite, and off I went again - to meet Wendy to rollerblade. Boy am I proud of myself! Did about 10 rounds of the Tampines park without falling... Thanks to Wendy - she was patient enough to look out for bumps and twigs and uneven ground for me so that I won't fall. I know she would have loved to blade faster, but klutz me just dragged her back... Maybe I'll be better the next time round, huh?

Came back after that, had a nice warm shower, and watched TV. I just refused to look at my books, nor start on my essay. It's a Sunday! Boy am I looking forward to the holidays.. it'll just be like Sunday every day!

Today at Mass, Fr Johnson asked us if God were to come to you one day, and ask you what is it that you want from him, what would you say? It has to come from your heart. Something you truly need - not just one of the many wants we want in life. I sat there in my seat, looked down and thought hard. I imagined God asking me that question. What is it that I really need?

I asked Wendy the same question, and she said "Happiness". How nice. I told her that actually, happiness comes from within. It is to a large extent up to us if we want to feel happy. For any particular instance, there are two sides to it. Should we look at it positively, or should we see it negatively. Positivity brings us happiness. Negativity brings us unhappiness. True?

Back to the question. As I thought, I began to tear. Deep in me, my heart wrenched. I looked up at the crucifix and asked God if he could let me experience raising a family on my own. I thought about Mark. My heart sank. With a deep sigh, I told the Big Guy above I'm leaving it into his hands. I will do what I need to do, and all I ask is strength and courage to face the consequences.

Wendy asked me today while blading what if all goes well, but Mark does not turn out to be what I expected him to be. I thought for a while, and said it doesn't matter. I told her that I know him for so long. I know his habits, how he feels, his quirks, and his moods - and I still like him. She nodded. She added "Ya, if you really like someone, it really doesn't matter." Loving someone means loving him not because of, but despite of.

I write like I am some guru of love, when deep in me, my emotions are all in knots. There is no logic for me to analyse, no pattern, no system. Such is the mystery of emotions, and I feel lost in this maze. I don't know where to turn, which route to take. But I guess as long as I keep my mind focused on what really matters to me in my heart, I will find the way. It's a matter of time, and I need patience. There goes my prayer to the one above to teach me patience again!

I spoke to Mark yesterday on the pretext of asking him about Spanish classes since he took it up before. It was nice hearing him all cheerful and happy. He said he'd be free the week after next to meet up. Guess I will then. It'd be good to talk with him again. I'll just have to see if it's the right time to tell him how I feel.

Wow.. just thinking about all these brings tears in my eyes... I feel overwhelmed all of a sudden. What a Sunday!

Progressing... & another lesson learnt

I must admit I am beginning to procrastinate. Somehow, reading the Educational Psychology textbook makes my eyelids heavy. I hugged it to sleep again. Sigh.. Will I ever get the assignment completed? And to think I have another English assignment and a test to study for...

Today's a cloudy day, and so I didn't feel like going for a swim. Wendy was supposed to meet me after work today to rollerblade, but she had other plans at the last minute. Oh well.. I ended up eating a huge plate of mee goreng instead, and ended the meal with Ben & Jerry's ice-cream. I can imagine my doctor shaking his head in disapproval of my diet lately. You see, I have naturally high cholesterol, no thanks to my dad. It's in the blood. So my doctor has cautioned me to stay away from "the Singaporean diet" as he terms it - in other words, all things fried and fattening. I try to chow on low-fat yoghurt, lots of vegetables and all things healthy, but I don't last long. Somehow, chocolates, cakes and cookies find their way to my stomach :-) My brother, on the other hand, devours fried food, chicken skin, and all kinds of fattening food, and he's skinny and a has a normal cholesterol level. Sigh... guess I got the wrong genes!

Anyway, just to keep my mind off the pending assignment, I decided to try on my rollerblades which I had not use for the longest time. I wondered if I could still balance on it... And I could!!! After much perspiration trying to fit my feet into the blades, I began moving about on wheels in the house.. from the room to the kitchen to the toilet, back to the room... until I called Wendy what crazy thing I was doing and she ordered me to go down to the void deck to blade instead.. And so I did... and it began to pour!!! What timing!!

So here I am, back in front of the PC, as though forced to do my assignment because of the rain... Not progressing much, but at least I got the cover page out... Then I decided to write on my blog! Ha.. talk about escapism!

Watched a show on Martha Stewart just now. I always admired her style of entertaining. I once even had the ambition of being the "Martha Stewart of the East". Had really grand plans - was even considering setting up a factory in Thailand to produce the little ideas I had for decoration. But I threw away the thought cos I realised what really mattered to me - spending time with my family and friends. The movie showed how Martha started from nothing, to something, then she wanted more and more and more. Nothing was ever enough. She was a tough lady. Eventually, she lost almost everything, even her husband walked out on her. She was really quite unlikeable. I was thinking to myself... wow.. I could have been her.

Which brings me back to the point which I so strongly believe - don't aim for riches cos they don't last long. The more you have the more you want. The more you want, the worse you get. Strike a balance in life in whatever you do. Don't do too much, don't do too little. It's difficlut to strike a balance between two extremes, I find. But we must try.

Fr JJ Fenelon (a dear priest from my church who has since left for Rome for further studies) left us with 5 simple phrases which I try to live by but really, as simple as it looks, is not easy:

1. Practice forgiveness
2. Free your mind from worries
3. Live simply
4. Give more
5. Expect less

He ended off by saying "Do not take life too seriously, but take God seriously." I sure hope I haven't been getting my priorities wrong lately...

My assignment

My brother had to go to school today, so as usual, I woke up at 5.30am to pack him his lunch to bring to school. Poor guy. He's to churn out all these result slips in school today. Hope he doesn't work too late. He hasn't been feeling too well lately. Overworked I guess.

So here I am typing out my thoughts again after a hearty breakfast and reading the newspapers. I hugged my Education Psychology book to sleep last night after my blog entry. Somehow, it felt more comfortable in my arms than in front of my half-opened eyes. Think I'd better start reading the appropriate chapters or I'd never get down to writing my assignment - it's supposed to be an analysis of a teenager I interviewed during my school experience.

Musfirah is a Secondary 2 girl. She's at the lower end of the express class. Her parents divorced when she was in K2. It saddens me to hear that the divorce had traumatised her so much, that all she can remember is the day her dad walked out of the house. I asked her if she had any happy memories. She couldn't recall any. She just remembers all the sad things in her life. She said it's all she remembers. After much probing did she then realise that she was happy when she topped her primary school in Mother Tongue for the PSLE exams. I was wondering how she could ever forget such a significant achievement. Was it perhaps because no one significant in her life celebrated that achievement with her?

When she was young, she played truant, ran away from home, shoplifted and just wasn't interested in studies. I guess she felt lost. She didn't know what to do, who to turn to. It was perhaps her cry for help, her cry for attention. Musfirah has stopped all these activities, thankfully. Now, she hopes that she can pass her exams, and that one day, she'll have a complete family - warm food when she gets back to school, someone to love her and start a family with her. She smiles when she tells me she wants 4 kids - two boys, two girls. She said she'll love them all equally. Things she yearns for; things she doesn't have now. Her mum dotes on her younger sister. She feels neglected sometimes. She wonders if it's because she resembles her dad.

My heart felt so much for her when I talked to her. I was thankful I got her a little teddy bear and a card of encouragement as a gesture of appreciation for staying back after school to talk to me (for this assignment). Her eyes welled up with tears when she asked, "For me?" I nodded. I held back my tears. I held her hand, squeezed it slightly and told her to take care, and if she ever needed someone to talk to, she can send me an email. She smiled and asked if I would be coming back to the school to teach. I said I didn't know. It was up to MOE.

I walked away with mixed feelings. Could I have reached out more? I wished I could help her, talk to her more. I wonder how she's doing now. But there was also a warm feeling in my heart. It felt good that I had made a difference in someone's life, that I had touched her, and made her feel loved in some way. I wished I could do more, but I had to leave. I guess I am looking forward to more of such experiences when I eventually teach in schools. It's indeed fulfilling to be able to touch someone in some simple way - by just listening, by just giving words of advice. Sometimes, I guess we have to reflect and ask how much of ourselves do we actually extend to others, just to touch them in the most simple way?

This also made me think how fortunate I am, to have a family that supports me, and love me for who I am. It may not be complete, but I know I am loved by each and every one of them, wherever they are. I hope Dad is doing fine...

I'd better get on with my assignment, but I'll leave you with a thought - "The best minute you spend is the one you invest in someone else." How many "best minutes" do we have?

A Lazy Day...

I finally got my Clay Aiken CD... Listening to it now. Wow, they're really trying to stretch him, getting him to sing across different genres, and he sounds good in most of them.. I still like "This is the Night"... But none can make my heart melt as much as Russell Watson's rendition of "You are so Beautiful". And to think he was actually singing that song to his daughter! My heart will surely melt if a guy sings that to me, man..!! Now, I'm listening to samples from Enrique Iglesias's spanish album.. Somehow, I find the language and songs so sexy!!

What did I do today? Actually, I thought I was pretty lazy, but looking back, I think I've done a lot. Woke up at 6am, ate breakfast, cleaned up my room, filed all my notes, went for a swim, came back, cooked lunch, watched "BIG" on TV, took a nap, ate dinner, went out to get the CD, and then to NTUC to shop for groceries. Wow! And now, I'm typing on my blog, and attempting to do some manicure on myself - failing miserably... Planning to do some readings on Erikson's Theory later... Need to do my assignment. Somehow, I'm already in the holiday mood! Am already thinking about Sydney...!

Oh well, the problem of Mark is still bugging me. Much as I'd like to say it all out once and for all, deep inside, I am still afraid. Today, I suddenly had the thought of chickening out. Really. Had a talk with Wendy about this. Somehow, I feel that maybe, I'm just not good enough. And she told me that maybe Mark is feeling the same way too. Two people, whose paths run parallel to each other. I wonder if they will cross one day. I don't know, but I hope so.

Say a prayer for me will you all? Thanks... :-)

My friends at PPP

Today marks the last day of lessons. Yipee! No more lessons. Just two more assignments to hand in and another grammar test. The enthusiasm is beginning to fade as I count down to the holidays...

I dropped by NUS today to say "Hi" to my former colleagues (actually, more like friends or even family!). Monday's Agnes's and Estella's birthday, and they were celebrating for them today. It was great seeing all of them again. Nothing's much has changed. The same smiles, the same laughter. In a way, I kinda miss all of them. Let me introduce them to you...

My first stop - Agnes's office - to deliver the predictable present I got for her, all wrapped up in her favourite pink colour paper - complete with purple ribbons and a card in a pink envelope.. Enjoy your gift, Miss Tan! It's funny talking to a former teacher... Guess I can get all the tips from her. Ms Tan reminds me of Addie. Likes pink, likes cats. Both have a simple childlike character that's really endearing. Agnes never fails to crack us up with her little innocent one-liners. But she can get pretty serious if she wants to. Agnes was my Aunt Agony when I was working in NUS. I'd always be popping by her office, telling her my problems, my love life (or lack of for that matter), and she'll give me advice on what to do. If anything, I really felt much better after talking to her.. She has this natural effect of making me feel as smiley and happy as she looks. I smile whenever I think of her. :-)

Next stop - the general office. A crowd had gathered there.. Juliana, Sarah, Wendy, Estella, Jo... Let's start with Juliana. Juliana was assisting me when I was working in NUS. She was a tremendous help to me. Very efficient, and very willing to learn new things. It was a real joy working with her. But what made her more lovable was her innocence and naivety. I can't elaborate much here, but I'll never forget the "skytrain" incident... Remember that, Ju? She just got married last year, and it warms my heart to see her so happy with her "Wan" and only. :-)

You all know Wendy... I've introduced you to her before.. Oh, oh.. She finally bought a flat at Punggol with Jeff today. They'll get their keys in three months' time, and I think wedding bells will be ringing soon!! So happy for her...!!

Sarah - she's like my sister. You see, I've always wanted a big sister when I was younger, but of course, how could I, right? I mean, when I was born, there's only my brother! So Sarah is like heaven sent. I treat her like my big sister. She's got two lovely kids - Grace and Joy. So lovable both of them.. Sigh.. makes my biological clock tick more... I talk to Sarah about my problems too, and she gives me an analytical perspective to things. She's into NLP and psychology, just like me.... we were saying.. maybe one day, we'll set up some private school combining the strengths of NLP and educational psychology together, and make lots of money out of it. Ha.. Ha.. Just a thought, but who said we can't dream, right? Sarah's going to India soon next year to find me an Indian guy - nah.. kidding.. Her husband will be posted there to work, and so her whole family will be staying there for the next three years. I'm gonna miss her. I've learnt so much from her - from where to shop at Bangkok, to childbirth! I'm really gonna miss her... Keep in touch via the blog or email, OK, Sarah?

Estella - She's the baby of the department. Not only is she the youngest, she's also the latest addition to the department. She also has this childlike innocence. All of us will never forget the day she freshened up the conference room using Lemon Pledge! But hey, she's no bimbo, OK? She's very concientious, and very quick at picking up new things. A smart girl, really. Happy Birthday, Estella.. Hope your candlelight dinner this year is more than homecooked beehoon!

Josephine - Whenever I think of Jo, I think of Hong Kong. And when I think of Hong Kong, I think of Jo. And I get all sorts of other associations ranging from preserved plums to dim sum to all things cantonese and of course, cheese. You see, Jo loves cheese. It's so easy to make her happy. Cheese... Oh, and she loves seafood too. I've tried to learn Cantonese from Jo for the longest time, but think I'm just bad lah.. Only know how to ask "How are you?" in Cantonese...

Last stop - Boss. Well I knew Boss since 1995 when I was studying in NUS. He taught me Social Psychology. For some strange reason, he thought I was smart. Think he mistook me for someone else. I often slept in his class and didn't know what was going on... All I remembered was he talking about some mouse and feeding it and some bell ringing... some psychological experiment, I guess... Anyway, he still thought I was smart, so I let him. Maybe I was just so good at acting lah.. Then when I left my job at Raffles, Boss asked if I was interested in working at NUS - I decided to give it a shot - and I ended up working there for four years... He still thinks I'm smart. I wonder why.. Hmmm... Boss is really quite a boss. He cooks for us at least once a year - and mind you, it's like a 8--course chinese meal OK?!!! Really impressive man!

Mummy Su Ching wasn't around. Su Ching is the second boss at PPP - that's Public Policy Programme for those of you who's wondering what PPP stands for. Su Ching's at Harvard now doing some course. She's like a mummy to all of us. I confide in her quite often too. It's quite funny how she's always on a look-out for eligible guys for me. If you're reading this Su Ching - you know who I have my eyes on, right? :-)

And there's a whole bunch of other nice friends I made at PPP - like Papa John from Harvard, Uncle Mukul, Caroline, Scott..... and oh.. Alex.. How could I forget Alex? He's really a funny guy. Will never forget the stories he told me about how a group of people mistook him for well... belonging to neither side of the gender. It's really quite hilarious. Alex is also quite an artist. He's good at photography, and writes too.. Not bad for a lecturer in Public Policy, huh?

My other family at NUS - my friends I made there - Hey, miss you guys... but since the hols are coming up, you can be sure that "I'd be back!"

Nothing

A million thoughts going thru my mind. A tension. An argument. A debate. Why this? Why that? What happened? Questions asked, but there's no answer. I ask and ask. No answer. Nothing.

When someone asks me what's wrong. I'd rather keep it to myself. I say "Nothing". They probe, I say "Nothing". So what's wrong with "nothing"?

Many a times, we have so many things inside our hearts, inside our minds, but we'd rather keep it in us. We probably haven't figured out what it is that's troubling us, that's why we rather not say. The ironical part of it, I find is that when we actually talk about it, we feel better - I learnt.

My CPA tutor (the nice one), told us today that when we teach in class, we don't really need to shout, or say too much in class. Sometimes, silence means a thousand words. You just say nothing.

And you ask yourself why is this silence so powerful?

When I get angry, I'd rather keep it inside of me. I'd rather not talk to the person I am angry with at the moment, just in case I flare up, and say things I do not mean. So I choose to say nothing.

Silence. Peace. That's what I'm enjoying now. I'm in the CPA lab, all alone. The class has ended, and I'm feeling a lot better than I did this morning. A classmate of mine came up to me and told me to ignore what the other CPA tutor said. He thought my idea was a brilliant one, and that it'd work. My nice CPA tutor told me to ignore the other tutor's comments. "He probably had a long and hard day", he explained. It all helped. Emails of encouragement circulated around the class, each of us encouraging each other that we all did a good job no matter what the other tutor thought. It felt good.

Next Friday, I'm meeting my CPA group members for lunch, to reward ourselves for the work we did. How nice...

The rain comes, but it will go. And a rainbow may emerge. After all, without the rain, there will be no rainbows.

Feeling Blue

I started the day out fine. Went swimming with my mum - she said my bikini was nice. Guess there's nothing better than your own mum telling you that you look nice in a bikini, huh? Was glad that I'm starting my exercise regime again. But then the things didn't get better as the day passed.

I went for my CPA class, all proud with myself that I managed to get all the sound and animation all into the presentation. My group members were impressed. I did the presentation, and the class was impressed. But apparently, the tutor wasn't. Guess he was affected by the fact that the rest of the class was monkeying around, and didn't put in much effort in the presentation. So, after all the presentations, he shot us down one by one. He said our group's idea was not feasilble. He didn't think it'd work. My heart sank. He said all of us didn't put in effort. Our standard was much lower than other groups. I felt an urge to stay back after class to explain to him the rationale of our presentation. There was a tug-of-war going thru my head. In the end, I just walked out of class. I felt really down.

I like to go window shopping when I'm feeling blue. It takes my mind off things for a moment. So I went to Raffles City after school. But I couldn't stop thinking why I felt this way. I had promised myself to be less harsh on myself, to take setbacks with a positive attitude, but I just seem to be able to let go. The anal retentive streak in me is still there. I ask myself why am I still pushing myself so hard. I can't seem to find an answer.

I guess it'll take time for me to realise that I cannot and will not always be always in the lead. I guess I should let others take over once in a while. I should realise that there is always someone better than me. I guess once in a while, things like that come by my way to humble me. Sometimes, I think I get caught up by what I think are my strengths that I fail to realise how vulnerable I am at anytime. I think I have learnt a lesson today.

This reminds me of a book I read sometime back. It's called If Life is a Game, These are the Rules. The book has 10 simple rules of life, and lesson four struck me the most. It reads: A lesson is repeated until learned - Lessons will be repeated to you in various forms until you have learned them. When you have learned then, you can then go on to the next lesson.

It struck me cos I thought it's so true. Lessons like the one I learnt today happen over and over again. I get disappointed this way over and over again. Each time, I set so high expectations of myself that I fail to realise that it's OK to fall sometimes. It's picking myself up that matters. And I guess I have not learnt the art of being kind to myself. Pris wrote a few days back that things happen to mould our characters. I think it's true. Things like these happen so that I keep getting reminded of the lesson I should learn cos I have not learnt it.

Hmmm.. I do feel much better after writing these all out and putting things into perspective. I guess my little setback is nothing compared to the millions who are suffering in one way or other around the world. I guess I should be reminded once again to be thankful of the things I have. My little problem is nothing compared to the agony Addie is facing - her granny's in hospital and awaiting an operation. I hope everything turns out OK for her. For those of you who pray, please do say a little prayer for Addie's granny, ok? Go read her blog to understand how she feels now. Princess Addie

As the days pass, I alternate between telling Mark about how I feel about him. On some days, I feel like giving it all up, bury the feelings forever, and never let him know anything. I'd just get on with my life and hope one day I don't get the feelings anymore. I am tempted to send an email to Don, and see how things go. But I ask myself if I am running away from something - the thought of failing again, perhaps? The thought of losing a friendship I took so long to build? It seems hard both ways. I don't know. I have two more months to think about what I'll do. Guess I'll just pray for guidance from the Big Guy above in the meantime.

I think I talk too much

I think I am the only person who logs onto her blog 3 times a day, adding yet more stuff each time she logs on. Well, that's me. I have an inner voice, always speaking to me. Most of the time, it's analysing stuff, and what comes out of me is like a report. I guess I just have to get it all out of my system. It's therapeutic.

Had a good jog with Wendy, though we came back after the jog and ended up eating Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Brownie Fudge. Yummy.. tastes like Swensen's sticky chewy chocolate. Now I am too full to sleep. :-(

Yes, I'm looking forward to the holidays!! Yipee!! Then I can go swimming more often, blog in more often, and do up the website for the Jesuits - something I have been putting on hold for the longest time! Then it's also planning for Pris's wedding, doing her programme booklet, spending quality time with mummy before she leaves for Canada, and cleaning up my room! It's still in a mess...! Oh, and after Christmas, I'm off to Sydney!! Will be spending New Year's there.. fireworks over the Sydney Harbour bridge... I'm beginning to dream...

Oh - bikini.. Tsk, tsk.. Pris.. This is a family blog... no porn allowed! Tsk tsk.. how can you ask people to imagine me in the bikini???!! Tsk, tsk... What if Keith sees this? We don't want to corrupt his little mind, you know??!!

Alright, on a more serious note... Wendy and I were talking about Mark. I was asking myself how did I ever end up liking someone for so long? And what about all the guys that came and went in between? I guess, like you say, Pris, the big guy up there puts you through situations to prepare you for the future. I believe in that too. That's why I think everything happens for a reason. And I guess if nothing were to come out after I tell Mark, I know there's something to be gained out of the whole situation. And with friends like you being there for me, what should I fear, huh?

Oh - Pris - forgot to thank you for the comforting thought - that there's always the big one up there that will love me for who I am if no one else does. He's the BEST!!! And good for you that you got your refund!

Alright, I'd better be getting to sleep now or I'd begin to look like a panda. Keep your comments coming cos I love and treasure each and every one of them!

Ian's reply, my new prayer, and my resolution

Ian replied to my blog about him with an SMS. It read:
Really appreciate your advice... Well, will see if she is really the gal for me. As always, I knew I could count on you for great advice. Thanks for being such a wonderful friend!

It felt great after I received that SMS. I felt good that I was able to help someone in some way. I was glad that I could be there for a friend. Friendships are something I treasure very much, and I am glad with the way things turned out between me and Ian. I was smiling myself back home just thinking about Ian whining to me last night. He is so funny! I really hope he gets a good girl to take care of him...

I promised myself that I should start to be a good girl. My old prayer daily was "God, teach me patience." He sent me people to test my patience. I guess I wasn't specific enough. But since it was my prayer, I had to deal with it. I won't be mentioning names here, but boy did they test my patience! And so, just last week, I changed my prayer. It goes, "God, teach me empathy." Then I began to cry more... or was that just PMS? Anyway, I told myself to be more kind, more empathetic, less harsh. And so, I am proud to announce to my NIE classmates, and to those of you who know Minyi - that I said 'HI' to her today. And I really meant it, OK?

I was thinking of talking to Pat too.. I really hope things between her and Alvin gets sorted out soon. I think it's really stressful for the both of them. I don't think they mean to step on each other's toes, but somehow, things just turned out all wrong. I empathise with both sides...

Empathy - I saw uncle from my block of flats clearing his letter box. He was using those Japanese slippers and was walking towards the lift. The floor was wet cos the cleaners were jet-spraying the block clean. I was afraid he would slip. I looked at him and wanted to offer my help, but I didn't. He moved away quickly after that. I chided myself for holding back what my heart wanted to do.

I guess I've been doing that half of my life - holding back what I want to do. In retrospect, I wonder why. I guess the older we grow, the more we hold ourselves back. We become more cautious, less trustworthy. Our child-like innocence disappears, and our suspicions grow. We fear failure, we ask "but what if" more often. And so, we dare not try, preferring to stay on safe ground. But I realised it is only when I dare to try new things, venture out of my comfort zone do I grow, do I learn - like when I quit work at NUS despite the odds, and went into teaching. I'm glad I did what I did. I feel like I'm growing and learning, and touching more lives. I feel happy.

Guess I have to subscribe to the carpe diem philosophy more often, huh? Alright.. I'll say to Mark what I've to say before the end of the year... I promise, and I will keep all of you updated of what happens.

Before I go, I'd love to share with you the lyrics of this song by Colin Raye (OK, I'm old, I listen to old songs...). It's called If I were you.. Ian, if you're reading this, maybe you can sing this song to her? :)

You want to know where we go from here.
So many roads, but none that seem clear.
Is what we have enough to last a whole life through?
Who knows. Baby, who knows.

So you're asking me 'what do we do'?
'Cause times moves so fast, and the chances seem so few.
Is it too much to think that we could have it all?
Who knows. We may never know.

But if I were you I'd promise to live life for all its worth.
Take all that you've been given and leave your mark upon this earth.
Trust your heart to show you everything you'll ever need.
And if I were you, I'd fall in love with me.

So hold me close, I'll kiss away your fears.
I won't promise the moon, but I promise to be here.
And what if together it gets better everyday?
Who knows. We may never know...

But if I were you I'd promise to live life for all its worth.
Take all that you've been given and leave your mark upon this earth.
Trust your heart to show you everything you'll ever need.
And if I were you, I'd fall in love with me.

If I were you, I'd fall in love with me.


Alright - I admit it. I'm a hardcore romantic at heart. :)

Another day...

Feeling sleepy cos I've had less than 4 hours of sleep. But I've to do this CPA assignment. The presentation's tomorrow, and I've to make sure that the PowerPoint slides are all ready. Have to fit in the sound animation, and stuff like that.

It's the last of Paul Doyle's class today. Sigh... just as we were about to enjoy his lessons. He's quite fun actually. Got our first assignment back. Did OK, not extrememly well, but since this isn't exactly my favourite module, I'm OK with it. It's a good thing the results came back in when I'm over the PMS phase. Just two more assignments, and one more test before the end of term.. Yippeee!! Holidays are coming, holidays are coming..!!

Just realised that I don't have classes with Addie anymore.. Miss you, Addie... :-)

Ah yes, my godson Keith has written on this blog. All our efforts of educating him have not been wasted. It's Pris and my aim to get him educated by 2 years. We're exposing him to Shakespeare and the metaphysical poets, as well as the sciences. Soon, uncle Roy will be developing his psychomotor skills, and will be bringing him to the deep blue sea for a diving trip. We've got it all charted out. Pris will get him to pierce his ears when he's 5. And oh.. we're gonna get Wendy to make sure he's not tone-deaf. Piano lessons start in two weeks' time. It's a pressurizing world out there, and we're getting him prepared for it. He must be effectively tri-lingual, like our next Prime Minister. In the meantime, we're counting down to celebrate his 3rd month in the world on 16 November. :-)

Wendy and I have made a pact to go for a jog today. Hopefully, neither of us back out, nor have the weather spoil our plans. She wants to see how my bikini looks like. She's thinking Halle Barry in Die Another Day. I told her think Ms Piggy in Fatal Attraction - that would be me. Oh well, if it rains, we'd just do shopping - women's favourite past-time.

Pris, Pris - yes, go to Sistic. Demand your discount. It's on the web! You should get it! When's the day you're going?

I have to go now. I've got a million and one philosophical thoughts in my head right now which I'd love to type it all down. But I have to prioritise. I have 4 group members counting on me to make the PowerPoint slides a brilliant one. I must not let them down. And so, with an unwilling heart, I type in my last words here as I proceed to perfect the presentation. But I will be back. You can count on that. In the meantime, do post your comments cos I look so much forward to reading them. (Sucker for audience, lah!)

Ta ta (as I learnt in English class today, means goodbye in British English, used in a very informal context)

Of Hossan and another Gay man and love...

Oh goody... I'm planning to go Hossan Live! with Grace, Wendy, and my classmate Pamela on 14 November. It's a Friday. 8pm show. OK - a confession.. I was a hardcore Hossan fan. Even have an autographed poster and many many programme booklets of all his performances. Was even in touch with him via email!!!. I still enjoy his sense of humour though I heard he's gay.. sad.. why are all cute guys gay? Someone said Timothy Goh's gay as well... What's to become of the females??

Since I am on the subject of gay men, let me just continue. My Gay friend called me just a while ago. I dropped him an email a few days back to visit this blog, and to ask him how he was doing, since I haven't heard from him for quite a while. So I was pleasantly surprised to hear from him. My happy day continued...

And so, about my Gay friend. Well, he isn't the least bit gay. I remember one of the first few words he said to me when I first knew him some 5 years back was "My surname may be Gay, but I'm not at all gay. I love women too much to be gay." If in any way was he gay, he was just being himself - happy.

Gay friend is called Ian. Ian is an immensely talented and driven person. He plays the violin and viola amongst other musical instruments. Smart, articulate, tall, and quite good looking, you would imagine every girl to take a queue number to go on a date with him. He's got so much on his plate at any one time, sometimes I just admire the energy he exudes. Oh - did I mention he's also good at sports, sings, trained in NLP and is now working his way into the Toastmaster's club? And he's also a very very sensitive guy. If there were a role model for a sensitive new age guy, I'd vote him. (Ian, if you're reading this, yes, I do mean every word I say.)

Ian called me to tell me he is in love, but painfully so. He's totally head over heels in love with her. He's doing a million and one things to develop things further with this girl, but let's just say she's two steps slower - much slower in fact. And that exasperates the hell out of him. It's really funny just hearing him whine and moan and groan about how she doesn't respond to the little sweet things he does. He hates the feeling, but nevertheless continues to pursue his interest, just for the possibility of a chance. I really do admire his patience and perseverance. But yet again, didn't Shakespeare once say that "the course of true love never did run smooth"?

Ian, if you really really like her, well, maybe this is the course that you must pass to show you if she's really the one for you. It is a perhaps a test of your patience, a test for your feelings. It is perhaps a test for her as well to see how far you can go. Or if you should carry on at all. My brother once told me that you'll know if someone is the right one for you if he/she brings out the best in you. Ask yourself then if she is bringing out the best in you. For me, I believe that you'll know if that someone is the right one for you if it all comes together, and falls in place despite the odds. But you'll need time to know this. And you'll need patience, lots of it. Someone once told me that you'll know if you really love someone if you love him/her despite of, and not because of. I look forward to that day where you will tell me that you love someone despite everything. I guess that's why they say "Love is blind".

I do wish you everything good in your pursuit of love. And at the end of the day, if nothing does work out, remember that it's not you. You are a wonderful person, and really very lovable in every sense of the word. Maybe after all, you really do deserve better. And if you need someone to whine to, you know you can count on me to lend you my ears and shoulder to cry on, yah? Take care, and keep well!

And for the other curious friends of mine from NIE wondering why the hell don't I go out with this guy since he's so damn good, well, I did have the hots for him 5 years back when I first met him. Now, I'm just happy being his "Aunt Agony" and brownie supplier. :) And I'm more than happy with the friendship that has evolved. I don't think I'd trade anything for that.

Happy Day...

Despite the rain, the day went well. The sun began to shine brightly much to the delight of my laundry-mad mother and neighbours alike. Corridors were lined with linen of all shapes, sizes and colour, basking proudly under the sun. The sun. What a wonder it is.

If the sun was a god, then Wendy would be the worshipper. Check out her long blurb about tanning and her immense love for it in the comments link under "Wendy has grown..." Indeed, I am not a staunch tanner as her. I just get irritated when my tummy gets white. I tend to alternate between the "I-love-the-sun" mantra and "The-sun-is-bad-for-your-skin" chant. Of course, my skin doctor will now frown on me basking under the hot sun. He says it's bad for my skin. And with such a cute doctor telling you that, how can you not listen to him, right? But since I'm seeing him only in December, I'm just gonna get bronze til I meet him. :)

It's a happy day. I've clocked in a total of 4 comments from my friends at my blog site. It's nice to know they're reading it.. Thanks, Addie, Ju, Mama Liyi and Wendy for adding in your comments. Do keep it up, yah? And to my fellow blogger, Pris - it's a joy to read your blogs too. Thanks for saying that I'm not heavy.... I'm your sister.. You sure I'm not heavy? Well, I do admire your passion for diving. I'd love to do it, but you know me - the deep blue sea scares me... I'd just be contented watching what you see on Discovery Channel :) So, did you have a good tan today?

It's a happy day too cos I've finally handed in the IT integration plan I did with Chen Ying. Yipee! I don't have late lessons on Mondays and I don't have to see "Fat Mama" anymore!! It was great working with you, CY!! Now, I know a little more about the History of Singapore...Wah.. so NE, huh? (NE is National Education, for those of you not in the teaching line.. we're supposed to infuse NE in all our lessons...)

It's also a happy day cos I found Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey for my brother! Went to Cold Storage at Bugis after school today, and went straight to the ice-cream section. Yipee! It's buy 2 get 1 free. So now, I am the proud owner of 3 pints of B & J's ice cream... also got the Peppermint cookie one and the chocolate brownie fudge one.. yummy...

I'm planning to watch Hossan Live with Wendy and Grace next month. Haven't seen Hossan perform solo for a while. I bet this one will be equally hilarious! What a good way to start the holidays.. with humour! You can find out more about his show here : Hossan Live! Book early cos there's a 20% discount. No, I'm not getting commission out of this!

Oh yes, Wendy... yup, you're right.. I've always been at the lead of things. So it feels wierd not being in the lead for once. I guess God is fair. I'll have my chance soon. I'll just need patience, right? And when my turn comes, I'll just draw on all your experiences! I'm gonna do what I planned to do before I leave for Sydney. It's just the medium of doing it that has yet to be decided on. Following my dreams.. and if dreams don't come true, well, I'll just dream another dream...

It's a happy day. I feel happy. I hope I can pass on this happiness to those around me.. :)

Rainy Day

It's pouring! It's a nice day to sleep in, and I am so thankful I have no classes today - but I still have to get down to "Pulau Nanyang" to hand in my assignment to the "Fat Mama". In the meantime, I am just lazing around, trying to get people to read my blog... Apparently most of my friends are too busy to read my ramblings. :(

I suspect there is a conspiracy between my intended exercise regimes and the weather. I secretly whispered to myself that I would jog this morning - and lo and behold, when I woke up, it was pouring!! This is not the first time. I think there is something going on between my brain and mother nature. Speaking of which, I think mother nature has something against the meteorological station in Singapore. I remember reading this report on Thursday morning. It stated that "Singapore will continue to experience heavy rain for the next two weeks". And the sun shone so brightly on Friday til yesterday. This morning, Streats reported that there'll be sun on the eastern part of Singapore... All I see is rain so far!!!

Pris, I hope you had a good tan yesterday. We shall see when the sun will come out again next! I really need to go for a swim! Rain, rain go away....

A saying has been stuck in my head since Saturday, and I just have to share it with all of you: "If you love someone, let him free. If he comes back to you, then it's always meant to be"

I think it's so true...

Wendy has grown...

It's a sunny Sunday, and usually, my friend Wendy would be happily tanning herself bronze for at least three hours. She's a sun-worshipper. It's almost her religion. But not today. She's house-hunting with her boyfriend of 10 years. She got up early yesterday morning to take a queue number in pursuit of her dream home in Punggol 21. With her entourage comprising mum and aunts, Punggol was duly examined and disected til legs were sore. But the search still continues on today, just to make sure their choice home will look good both day and night. As I tap on my keyboard now writing this out, she's out with Jeff, looking for yet more options.

She has grown - and I don't mean physically! The Wendy I knew used to put her interests first. She was particular about how she looked, and how others perceived her. Things had to circle around her. But deep inside, she has a kind heart. And I am proud and happy to say that she's showing this side of her more and more. Her responsibilities now do not lie just around what she wants, but more about what others want. She's sensitive to what others feel, and she's more down to earth. She's beginning to plan more and more about her future with Jeff. She's sure he's the right one for her. And I'm happy for her.

As a friend who had a thinking more mature than her age, I was always the one guiding and advising her how things should be done, how she should improve, how she should approach life. There was a stage I wondered how long more I had to look out for her. Maybe I was looking out too much. Slowly but steadily, Wendy has become more independent, and really more lovable. She's showing her inner strength and character, which really is very charming. She cares less if her abs are not as hard, or if her "bye-byes" are waving more than usual. Other things in life matter more. Her future, her job, her education, her life with Jeff.

It seems like she has taken her own road to walk, away from my guiding hand. And I feel like a proud parent seeing her child walk on his own. I don't take credit for what she is today. It just warms my heart to know that she's doing fine and well.. very well, in fact.

That leaves me to think and ponder about my life. Something struck me when I was out with Lee Yee and Pris yesterday. Lee Yee was talking about baby Keith. Pris and I bombarded her with questions about raising kids. She's planning for another one proabably next year. Pris is getting married, and soon, she'll have her kids too. I pondered for a moment if I'd ever have a chance to have my own child. I never thought I'd come to stage where I will announce that my biological clock is ticking. But I guess I'd have to say it is. No, I am not desperate. I just want to experience the joy of having and loving my own child, raising him/her together with the man I love. Sometimes I ask if that is too much to ask?

One by one, my closest friends are setting up their own families. I really do admire them. I feel it's a big step to take. It's almost like a transition to adulthood. Wasn't it just yesterday we were in our school uniforms? Now, we're all grown, busy with our lives, and setting up families. In a way, I feel left behind. But yet again, maybe the path I should take is different. I don't know. I'll leave it to the BIG one above. He always has a plan. It just takes a while before I can understand what He has in store for me. In the meantime, I'll just have to be patient. Good things are worth waiting for.

Starting the day with new thoughts...

It's 1.30am. I have just finished editing the IT plan which Chen Ying sent me. Just sent it back to her, and thought that before I hit dreamland, I should log down the million and one thoughts racing through my head right now.

Thanks, Pris and Addie for your kind advice. I guess sometimes, friends are there to tell you something you already know. Sometimes, you forget things that matter to you, and it's these friends who shake you, and bring you back to your senses.

I had a wonderful talk with Pris over two chocolate cakes, oozing with hot chocolate fudge and a whole bag of nachos at Starbucks. Besides learning that you can have two cups of tea for the price of one there (Pris taught me how!!), I also realised once again what my head and heart really wanted. Amidst the euphoria of the prospects of a new adventure, new experiences, and new feelings evolving, I had perhaps once again forgotten what I want deep inside of me. And so, as I speak more and more about what I think, what I feel, it becomes more and more apparent to me how I really feel, what I really want. It spurs me to want to move in that direction no matter what it takes, whatever the consequences.

One of my philosophies in life is that I do now want to live a life of "what-ifs". I do not want to end this life regretting not doing what I wanted to do. Life is that short. Enjoy the happiness and setbacks it brings.

And so, with this in mind, I guess I know which path I should take. And if all is lost, at least I have gained an experience; a story to tell; a lesson learnt.

Love is a beautiful feeling to be treasured, to be embraced. Yet, it is also a path of tears - both of sadness and of joy. It is a mystery, a paradox, an oxymoron. It brings out the best and the worst in us. Despite this tension, we all still want to fall in love, because we realise that amidst everything, the simplicity (and complexity) of love can overcome everything. If only we realise this more often.

Idealistic? I don't think so.

On a lighter note - Today's Simon's birthday. I called him past midnight just now - just to wish him Happy Birthday. He's in Bintan right now, having some "ME" time (as he always does on his birthday). I'm glad I made him happy by just remembering his birthday. :)

Oh - thanks Pris for being my shopping buddy for the bikini... hey, nice bikini too! *wink*

And for the rest of you, hope you like the new layout for the blog... The thought for the day is now posted below the links. :) Good night!! (or should I say Good morning?!!) Will be back later with more thoughts...

THE PEOPLE YOU MEET AFFECT YOUR LIFE...

I spent four hours this morning trying to figure out HTML codes so that I could redo the layout design of this blog site. Now, this layout is more me - though I'd love to add a vertical line on the right hand side of the side bar. Clean clear, more white space, and smaller fonts - to accommodate more words :) And I am proud of what I have achieved.

Looking back at the long reflection I posted earlier, something there got me thinking again and again - "The people you meet affect your life" How true. I guess in a very very large way, I am happy that I made the decision to quit work at NUS, and do what I wanted to do all along - to teach. And I am very thankful that I've got great classmates though years younger than me (not that I'm that old, lah), have taught me things I would have not known - this blog thing for one. I guess work life had made me a hard person, a perfectionist, a go-getter such that I forget to sit back and unwind sometimes.

Amidst all the work, I forget what it's like to stop to smell the roses, to laugh at my mistakes, and be less harsh on others and myself. And so, looking at my classmates, who though work very hard to finish up their assignments, still take time to do other things - Pam shops and goes out with her friends often, and has high tea with other classmates on Fridays; Adeline plays hockey, Chen Ying rollerblades, Debby does volunteer work... you get the idea.

Taking stock of my life - what have I done to unwind? Why was I so hard on myself? What was I trying to prove? And so, I feel happy now that I am spending more time with my friends and family, and feel less guilty about taking breaks once in a while and in my brother's words "nua". It has made me less harsh, more forgiving, and in short - happy. Max told me a while ago that I was pushing myself too hard. That I should learn to step back and do less sometimes - so that I can see more.

Profound you say, but it's true.

And so to my dear NIE friends - you know who you are - thanks for coming into my life :)

I guess no one has read my blog yet, so my dilemma remains so. It's OK. Life goes on. I'm going to meet Priscilla and Lee Yee later - to shop for baby clothes and a dress for Pris's flower girl. Slept at 1am and was up by 6am - had breakfast and attempted to clean up my room. It's filled with notes, and books, and paper, and .... I'm proud to say I have filed most of my notes, and it's 40% to being all neat and tidy. :)

Alright, I admit - I was up til 1am cos I was hooked onto someone's blog. He had something in there which he borrowed from someone else. And I read and re-read it again and again. And I think to myself - how true. I'd just like to share it with you here:

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would never realize your potential, strength, will power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test limits of your soul.

Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create whom you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things. Make every day count. Appreciate everything that you possibly can, for you may never experience it again.

Talk to people whom you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold you head up because you have every right to.
Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create you own life and then go out and live it.

Share this with anyone whom you believe
has made a difference in your life!

"If you take your eyes off your goals, all you see is obstacles."
~Author Unknown

It's a Friday. I am supposed to be happy, but I am not. So far, I miraculously lost my ez-link card (and it's topped up, mind you!), the bikini still doesn't look good on me, and the Principal from St Anthony's Convent just sent me an email to say she's very sorry, but there's no vacancy for me in the school. Sigh.... I am close to tears, and that nut thing in my brain is taking over.

Ah yes - the big bones Pris is talking about. I'm beginning to think I got picked up from the bin. My dad is small, my mum's small, and my brother's skinny. I'm big. So what happened to me? They all use glasses and I've got perfect eyesight. You get the idea?

Thank goodness the UET test went on well. Got quite a simple topic to talk about - telling students the importance of not bringing valuable items to school. It went on OK except I didn't know 3 minutes took so long.. oh well, maybe I was just speaking too fast.

Talking about PMS again. Addie, Chen Ying (or should I say Stephanie?) and myself were just talking over lunch. Actually, we really admire the guys surrounding us (their boyfriends, and my brother, that is) for tolerating all our mood swings and nonsense. They really just take it in their stride. I guess that's the difference between us girls and them guys. Can you imagine if your guy had PMS??!! And it coincides with yours??!!

And since I am on the topic on men - maybe you can help me out here. It's a dilemma. Imagine this. Two guys. One is Mark*, the other is Don*. I've been friends with Mark for the longest time. Liked him once 10 years back, but the feelings weren't mutual then. We got attached to different people, broke off, and we're both now single - and looking. I guess I know Mark so well, he's like what I call "my comfortable pair of shoes". I know his moods, what he likes, what he doesn't like, and I love it when we meet and go into deep philosophical conversations about life. I guess, maybe in a large way, I've never stopped liking him? But because I don't want to spoil this friendship I took so long to develop, I choose to just keep it all to myself, perhaps hoping that one day, the feelings will be mutual.

Now, about Don. Well, I don't really know him, but I read about him in 8 days and Cleo. He's one of those eligible bachelors. This sounds a little far-fetched, but when I read about him, I was like - now, this is the kind of guy I'd like. There was an email address I could have emailed to to drop him a note, but I didn't. I guess I felt I still liked Mark. But the, there was a twist of fate. I was telling this story to my friend and surprise, surprise - she knows Don, and quite well too.

Question - should I tell Mark that I like him, and deal with the consequences (of losing the friendship possibly)? Should I ask my friend to hook me up with Don, just to see how things go? Should I just resign to my fate that maybe my role on earth is to be an earth-angel for everyone else so that my love can be showered on more people rather than just one special person? (I making singlehood sound really sacred here... as though it's a calling!)

Dilemma...Things you think about when you're PMS-ing...

*names have been changed to protect MY identity :-P

And just in case I don't log on again, here's my thought for the night for you:
"There is goodness in everyone - yes, even your worst enemy. We just have to be more sensitive to this goodness."

Ah yes, my dear friend Priscilla has added in her comments.... She posted it under the comments part (before she realised that she has permission to edit my little blog site here), so I'm "copy-and-pasting" it below for all of you to read... And to my NIE classmates - yes, she's a teee-cher too!

This is Deborah's friend since Primary One signing in....and of course wondering if I am typing my comments in the right place to get it posted.

In case you were wondering, I am not as IT saavy as my dear friend Debs, and I must add not as creative as well, which is why she is designing my wedding program. Thanks Debs.

Just to put in my two cents worth, the nice hot sun lifted my spirits this morning. Made me face a moral dilemma. Should I be a good, respectful decent person of society and head in to work? OR Be the lazy, lounging, lying sloth and call in sick just to hang out by the pool and get a tan? I guess in the end, after conflicts between my ego, alter-ego and my id, duty called out to me that I could not abandon my 40 little charges and leave them hanging during this crucial exam period. Talk about oxymorons, i call this reluctant desire.

Not sure if i got carried away, not my website and yet i am here blabbering away. Shows Debs not the only one with tons going through her mind. Take care all, love you Debs.

Submitted by: PufferPris [email]
Thursday, 10.16.2003 @ 5:20 PM

Awww.. isn't that so sweet of her.. Thanks, Pris.. Really made my day!! Love you too! Feel free to blabber on here. That's what this site is for! See you on Saturday!

IN SCHOOL TODAY
Just got back from school... Feeling a little tired cos I had lessons since 10.30am, and it didn't stop til 5.30pm. I had all my fun classmates with me, so it didn't feel so bad. Magdalene - I must tell you about Magdalene! Poor girl - she bumped her head onto the fire extinguisher.. and no, she didn't do it while performing some heroic act. She was just looking at her sandals cos it felt a little loose.. and "pong"!! She's now got a little bump on her head. Mag - remember to rub it with a hard-boiled egg like Debby told you to!

In Peter Teo's class today... Charades. That's what Addie made us do. We had to come up with any word in our groups and act it out for the class to guess. So Pam, Chen Ying and myself acted out the word "FART". Picture this, for those of you who were not in class.. Three people sitting abreast. The middle person suddenly lifts one side of her butt, as though leaning over to the person on her left. Then she gently lets her hip down, and looks around innocently. Suddenly, the two people beside her twitch their noses, and attempts to smell anything else but the air they just inhaled... Food for thought.. why do people lift their butts (when they are sitting down) when they want to fart?

Still in Peter Teo's class... Chen Ying - don't take it personally. I'm sure Peter Teo would have shared his notes with you if you were sitting on his left. :-)

Tomorrow's my UET test. I'm gonna speak to a bunch of my classmates for three minutes about some topic I sure hope I know how to elaborate! For a girl that loves to blabber.. you wonder what she's afraid of, huh?

STILL ON PMS

To continue on my blabbering on PMS. Well, I thought I'd do a little shopping for a bikini today after school. I mean after a long day, I thought my clothes felt a little looser. Nope! No weight loss, but I think I have lost my waist instead, and gravity has taken a toll on my mammery glands and posterior overnight. Now I'm filled with PMS emotions (depressed, feeling unloved, highly emotional, teary etc...) In psychology class today, we learn that this is a condition whereby the amygdala of the brain has taken over (wah.. cheem stuff ah??) According to our tutor, she says that that's where all the emotions stem from. Sometimes, it can be so bad that it takes over the whole body... And checking my Collins dictionary, that "amygdala" means some part of the human anatomy that resembles an almond (everybody say "ah - mund"). So much for a nut in our brains, huh?

Alright, I'll have to go now. As usual, I'll leave you with a thought for the night...
"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows."

It's a really sunny day today. I think my hairstylist really cut my hair too short. Really didn't know how to style my hair today.. Oh well, saves me some money cos it means it'd be a while before I need to cut my hair again! In the meantime, I'd just look a little "cha-chat" with this super short fringe and super layered hair.

PMS - think that's what I'm having now. Hands up those of you who hate a certain time of the month, where you get all cranky and depressed. Suddenly, your hormones take over your brains. Your skin doesn't look too good (in fact, you'd be lucky if you don't break out in zits!), your skin gets oily, your hair feels flat, your stomach feels like you're 2 months' pregnant, and you start to retain water like a cactus plant. In fact, you become like one with the thorns sticking all about you, waiting to pierce any unsuspecting victim who happens to step on your toes. Constipation. (says it all, doesn't it?)

Chocolates, cookies, cakes, ice-cream, biscuits, and all things high in sugar, fat and carbohydrates become the main staple of the PMS woman. Forget about healthy fruit and vegetables. They just don't satisfy the hormone-ruled brain. The sugar and carbohydrates are known to provide some sort of feel-good hormone to balance the PMS hormone. And a viscious cycle results. You feel fatter after all that "feel-good" food, which ironically, doesn't make you feel too good, especially when the number reflected on the electronic weighing scale seem 3kg more than the usual. No, it's not a zero error, as much you think it is.

Have you seen the PMS woman's wardrobe? It has two sides. One is for the pre-PMS days - usually skimpy, tight, and in short - short. The other side comprises the clothes two sizes larger. They are meant for "feel-fat-days". I'm just using all the clothes on this side of the wardrobe now.

But life has to go on. And so, if you're PMS-ing now, you've got company. Let's just countdown together to the day when grey matter instead of hormones occupy our brains.

Yes, Grace and I finally got our accommodation at Hunter Valley settled. We're gonna stay at this place called Ironstone Cottage. Check out the room we'd be staying in!

Ironstone Cottage

Can't wait to get to Sydney. In the meantime, guess it's all work, assignments and tests.

My classmate Pamela told me about her "rat" experience that caused her to have a tensed butt - just on the left butt cheek. Yes, yes... You see, she's terrified of rats. So the other day, she saw a rat, was so immensely terrified that every single muscle of hers was tensed up. After a while, she realised that she kinda strained her butt muscle! Can you imagine her going to the doctor telling him that?!!

Our English tutor Peter Teo surprised our class today. He's usually very serious, so when he joined in our class activities, and was very participative and sporting, we were really surprised! This is what he wrote of Pamela...(something like that...) "She's like a ray of sun, brightening up the day and wherever she goes.. " Wah.... Heart melt man!!

Wendy is sick. Poor girl. Food poisoning, I think.. She was telling me that her body's aching, and her stomach didn't feel too good.. Hmmm.. she suspects it's the Sarawak food she had last week cos Juliana was down with stomach problems too.. Hey, Ms Skinny - have you put on weight since??

Oh well.. gotta get to class now. Will write later if I have the time.

At home now... Well, thanks Addie. Got the formatting correct this time.. Hope it looks less confusing now. Not bad for a first-timer, I think... I read somewhere that we can't upload images if we're using this free site.. Unless we upgrade to the Pro level - need to pay money, I think.. So in the meantime, I'm just doing links to my pictures loaded up at the Yahoo website.

Ah.. finally spoke to Wendy. Just as I had expected - something's wrong with her tummy. Her doctor diagnosed it as "some-long-name-i-can't-remember". She'll be back to work tomorrow.

I had my hair cut after school today. Couldn't stand my floppy fringe and "flat-hair-day". My hairstylist, Ben, as usual had a fun time just cutting and cutting and cutting and cutting, and messing up my hair.. He actually grins when he does that. Oh well, I still let him do it cos he's kinda cute. Anyway, I do feel much fresher now that I don't have that floppy fringe all over my face.

And last words for the night...
"Fan that tiny spark of possibility within you into the flame of achievement"

It's a rainy day again today. But I think the day will be just fine. My mum vacuumed up the lizard that was hanging around my room since last night.. Thank God! Obviously, I didn't dare sleep in my room last night. I was an occupant of the living room (silly me.. as though lizards don't crawl about!).

And I managed to add in the "Comments" part to my blog-site... so that friends like you can add in your comments!! Yipee!! Thanks to Adeline.. I looked at her blogspot to get ideas.. ha ha.. You may wish to see her site here:

Princess Addie

Oh well - I have to get to school now or I'd be late. Will write more later..

Have a great day!