My Sunday

It's been a long while since I could just relax the whole day. I put aside the thought that I have two pending assignments and a test to study for, and went ahead just enjoying my Sunday. Started the day early by going to church first, then did a little shopping and lunch with my brother. After that, I went for a swim, did some grocery shopping, came back, dumped my stuff, grabbed another quick bite, and off I went again - to meet Wendy to rollerblade. Boy am I proud of myself! Did about 10 rounds of the Tampines park without falling... Thanks to Wendy - she was patient enough to look out for bumps and twigs and uneven ground for me so that I won't fall. I know she would have loved to blade faster, but klutz me just dragged her back... Maybe I'll be better the next time round, huh?

Came back after that, had a nice warm shower, and watched TV. I just refused to look at my books, nor start on my essay. It's a Sunday! Boy am I looking forward to the holidays.. it'll just be like Sunday every day!

Today at Mass, Fr Johnson asked us if God were to come to you one day, and ask you what is it that you want from him, what would you say? It has to come from your heart. Something you truly need - not just one of the many wants we want in life. I sat there in my seat, looked down and thought hard. I imagined God asking me that question. What is it that I really need?

I asked Wendy the same question, and she said "Happiness". How nice. I told her that actually, happiness comes from within. It is to a large extent up to us if we want to feel happy. For any particular instance, there are two sides to it. Should we look at it positively, or should we see it negatively. Positivity brings us happiness. Negativity brings us unhappiness. True?

Back to the question. As I thought, I began to tear. Deep in me, my heart wrenched. I looked up at the crucifix and asked God if he could let me experience raising a family on my own. I thought about Mark. My heart sank. With a deep sigh, I told the Big Guy above I'm leaving it into his hands. I will do what I need to do, and all I ask is strength and courage to face the consequences.

Wendy asked me today while blading what if all goes well, but Mark does not turn out to be what I expected him to be. I thought for a while, and said it doesn't matter. I told her that I know him for so long. I know his habits, how he feels, his quirks, and his moods - and I still like him. She nodded. She added "Ya, if you really like someone, it really doesn't matter." Loving someone means loving him not because of, but despite of.

I write like I am some guru of love, when deep in me, my emotions are all in knots. There is no logic for me to analyse, no pattern, no system. Such is the mystery of emotions, and I feel lost in this maze. I don't know where to turn, which route to take. But I guess as long as I keep my mind focused on what really matters to me in my heart, I will find the way. It's a matter of time, and I need patience. There goes my prayer to the one above to teach me patience again!

I spoke to Mark yesterday on the pretext of asking him about Spanish classes since he took it up before. It was nice hearing him all cheerful and happy. He said he'd be free the week after next to meet up. Guess I will then. It'd be good to talk with him again. I'll just have to see if it's the right time to tell him how I feel.

Wow.. just thinking about all these brings tears in my eyes... I feel overwhelmed all of a sudden. What a Sunday!