Feeling Blue

I started the day out fine. Went swimming with my mum - she said my bikini was nice. Guess there's nothing better than your own mum telling you that you look nice in a bikini, huh? Was glad that I'm starting my exercise regime again. But then the things didn't get better as the day passed.

I went for my CPA class, all proud with myself that I managed to get all the sound and animation all into the presentation. My group members were impressed. I did the presentation, and the class was impressed. But apparently, the tutor wasn't. Guess he was affected by the fact that the rest of the class was monkeying around, and didn't put in much effort in the presentation. So, after all the presentations, he shot us down one by one. He said our group's idea was not feasilble. He didn't think it'd work. My heart sank. He said all of us didn't put in effort. Our standard was much lower than other groups. I felt an urge to stay back after class to explain to him the rationale of our presentation. There was a tug-of-war going thru my head. In the end, I just walked out of class. I felt really down.

I like to go window shopping when I'm feeling blue. It takes my mind off things for a moment. So I went to Raffles City after school. But I couldn't stop thinking why I felt this way. I had promised myself to be less harsh on myself, to take setbacks with a positive attitude, but I just seem to be able to let go. The anal retentive streak in me is still there. I ask myself why am I still pushing myself so hard. I can't seem to find an answer.

I guess it'll take time for me to realise that I cannot and will not always be always in the lead. I guess I should let others take over once in a while. I should realise that there is always someone better than me. I guess once in a while, things like that come by my way to humble me. Sometimes, I think I get caught up by what I think are my strengths that I fail to realise how vulnerable I am at anytime. I think I have learnt a lesson today.

This reminds me of a book I read sometime back. It's called If Life is a Game, These are the Rules. The book has 10 simple rules of life, and lesson four struck me the most. It reads: A lesson is repeated until learned - Lessons will be repeated to you in various forms until you have learned them. When you have learned then, you can then go on to the next lesson.

It struck me cos I thought it's so true. Lessons like the one I learnt today happen over and over again. I get disappointed this way over and over again. Each time, I set so high expectations of myself that I fail to realise that it's OK to fall sometimes. It's picking myself up that matters. And I guess I have not learnt the art of being kind to myself. Pris wrote a few days back that things happen to mould our characters. I think it's true. Things like these happen so that I keep getting reminded of the lesson I should learn cos I have not learnt it.

Hmmm.. I do feel much better after writing these all out and putting things into perspective. I guess my little setback is nothing compared to the millions who are suffering in one way or other around the world. I guess I should be reminded once again to be thankful of the things I have. My little problem is nothing compared to the agony Addie is facing - her granny's in hospital and awaiting an operation. I hope everything turns out OK for her. For those of you who pray, please do say a little prayer for Addie's granny, ok? Go read her blog to understand how she feels now. Princess Addie

As the days pass, I alternate between telling Mark about how I feel about him. On some days, I feel like giving it all up, bury the feelings forever, and never let him know anything. I'd just get on with my life and hope one day I don't get the feelings anymore. I am tempted to send an email to Don, and see how things go. But I ask myself if I am running away from something - the thought of failing again, perhaps? The thought of losing a friendship I took so long to build? It seems hard both ways. I don't know. I have two more months to think about what I'll do. Guess I'll just pray for guidance from the Big Guy above in the meantime.