Time Out

For the first time in my life, I went to see a movie on my own yesterday. It was one of those days I just wanted to be alone. So I went to Tampines Mall, booked myself a ticket for Intolerable Cruelty, and watched the movie alone. I actually enjoyed it - but would have probably enjoyed it even more if not for the Ah Beng sitting two seats away from me who kept talking on his handphone and answering his smses as though the show wasn't on. Irritating!!!

I enjoyed the witty exchange of lines between Catherine Zeta Jones and George Clooney... poetry, lines from Shakespeare.. wa... One line that particularly struck me was when she said "It's funny that even after you've attained your goal" and he continues "you still do not feel satisfied". I think that's very true.

I mean, how many times have we said that "I'd be very happy if...." and when we get that if, we still don't feel that happy, and want even more? Take weight for one. I've known of people who said that they'd be happy if they were X weight. And when they reached that weight, they'd say X-1... and so on... Same with money. Same with love. Are we ever really happy? Which brings me to what I had mentioned in one of my earlier blogs - we never really appreciate what we have til we stop having it.

I wake up each morning these days, thanking God for the day. I try to make it a point to do so. I think that there are a million and one things in my life to be thankful for, and be happy about. I shouldn't take these things for granted. I take each day as a lesson from God, as though He's leading me in some sense.. It's like He's saying, "This is your lesson for today..." And what I experience, hear, read, see, and do with the people I meet is like the "practical" part of the lesson. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't - just like all lessons we have in school. The good part is that you can repeat your "exams" without having to pay your bond :)

And so I learn, day by day... Time alone is time for me to reflect on such things. Time for me to recollect. Time for me to see if I've been taking things for granted too much. Time for me to see if I've been too self-centred. Time for me to see if I've given more than received. And time for me to heal wounds that have not yet been healed. I hope you find such time for yourself too.

Tomorrow is THE day. I try not to think too much about it. My brother is egging me on. He says carpe diem. He says it's now or never. He says it's gonna be OK. Somehow, I think not. I think shut the gap. Hide it like you've always done. I think I'm gonna be disappointed. I think I'm gonna cry. I'm thinking - should I end the night with Mark tomorrow with joy or with tears. If I decide to say it all, what am I gonna say? Where should I start? What will he think? How will he react? A thousand thoughts are going through my head right now. I am actually asking myself if I am really going to tell him. Maybe not?

This is what I wrote among other things in one of my letters to God two years back... (OK, think me weird, huh?)
You know that I could never sacrifice this friendship for anything that could be. I mean if I had wanted to express how I feel to Mark, I had to be very sure myself of many things, that I really like him to the point of loving him unconditionally, that I am ready for a commitment, and that I can see myself living the rest of my life with him. I know it's kinda far-fetched.. but I'd rather not risk anything just to find out if there "could be". I love this friendship too much, and if anything changes, it has to be for the better.

Two years on, and I finally make my decision. Two years on and I feel more sure of how I really feel about Mark. Two years on and I still love this friendship, but I'm heading for a possibility of a "better". Two years on, and I am still afraid. Afraid that I may lose something I have always treasured.

Will I?