For a moment...

Last night, for a moment, I questioned myself about my priorities. I didn't know if the direction I was heading was what I really wanted. After all, I decided to take up the project only to make some use of some free time I had back then. Now, as the months unfold, so did the project. And I find myself going deeper and deeper into it. In a way, you could say it feels like putting my foot into the well, and I can't quite feel the base of the well as yet. Without a foothold, it seemed tempting to take the easy way out and just back out. But I asked myself - Is this what I really want?

The night overwhelmed me as I thought about my teaching, my family, my friends and the project. Why was it all equally important to me? It didn't help make things easier as I fought a mental battle in silence. I held back tears as I struggled with my emotions. I didn't want to let anyone down. I didn't want to fail. I wasn't afraid to take on the challenge. It was just that I was afraid to disappoint.

School's starting next week and I haven't even shifted my teaching materials over to the new school. I should love that place. In fact I do. I love my new table, my new surroundings, my neighbouring teachers surrounding me. I couldn't ask for more. But why did I feel so unprepared? I haven't even asked for the scheme of work for the three levels I'd be teaching! Not to mention preparation?

My relations with my mum and brother hadn't been too good lately, considering I'm not home most of the time. They greet me with silence when I come home, and in a way, I feel bad for not spending more time with them.

My friends worry for me as I take on more and more responsibilities. They tell me not to overwork, and keep me grounded by asking me why I was doing all these. They know the answer, but yet at the same time, they know me well enough to know that I will not regret what I'm doing. They know I'm a go-getter. They know that if all comes to nought one day, I will still smile and ask - What did I learn from this? And though they don't say it, I know they are giving me their support in every way they can, and I can't thank them enough. Thanks, gals.. you know who you are! :)

I slept with a heavy heart. Although I was told not to worry, I still did. But I know I shouldn't worry too much. I've only got 5 worry credits per month. I can't afford more. And so, with new conviction, I headed for school early today, lugging with me two big bags of teaching materials. I sat myself down in the silence of the staff room, and laid down my plans. I looked through my notes, and figured out what I should be doing. Then I analysed my duties for the project and laid it down one by one. Looking through all of it, it didn't seem so bad.

I'd give it a shot, I told myself. I'll never know til I try.

The message at the workshop today went loud and clear. "It doesn't matter if you fail. At least you've tried."

With the emphasis on innovation and enterprise in the classroom these days, I see my vision in three years time becoming more real. I feel that this is training ground for me to test out my theories and methods.

I have a mission to complete in three years. And I will do all I can now to see my dreams come true.

:)