Why Teachers Quit?!

In a large way, I'm glad I'm done with the O level English Oral Exams. This means that my afternoons are back in order for me to catch up with work and marking... Well, that was what I thought. But no. I am clearing up the backlog of my Sec 2 kids who have yet to sit for their oral exams. And so every afternoon, I see myself staying back again for another two hours or so clearing batches of students as they sit in front of me reading, talking about some picture and some topic I give them. It's tiring considering I start my exams without a lunch break immediately after my last lesson for the day.

And so, lunch these days are at 4pm if I am lucky.

I came across a second-hand bookshop over the weekend and was surprised to find a book written by a local, Enzo Liow, entitled "Why Teachers Quit?!" The first question I asked was "Is this book legal?" Ha.. typical civil servant in me. Out of curiosity, I asked the girl at the counter to let me take a look at the book. Flipping through, I saw familiar words such as HOD, Parents, Students, Marking.... Things we teachers face each day. The book costs $14.90. I thought it was a smart way for the author to make a quick buck. I thanked the girl at the counter. I told her I didn't need to spend $14.90 for all the things I already know.

I wonder how useful the book would have been for aspiring teachers, or for me when I decided to come into teaching. Hadn't I not known all these would be coming? I wonder how my NIE mates are coping. I wonder if they share the same sentiments as those found in the book.

On the other hand, others have written about the joys of teaching, the fulfilment and the rich experience in shaping others' lives. I've known of teachers who stick by their jobs regardless. What makes these stay and others go?

So, does it boil down to the individual, or is it a mixture of both the individual and the system he is made to be put in. Does he grow with the system or does he get trapped in it? Do we blame the individual or the system? What can and should be done?

Oral exams these days and more...

Tired. This is day four of the O Level English oral exams and I feel tired. That's because it means some eight afternoons are burnt just listening to bad English - well almost. Well, to be honest, I was a little entertained by some. I tried hard not to laugh when a student said that "the boy looks very concentrated". I think he meant "he looks as if he's concentrating hard." In my mind, and with a growling stomach, I began to wonder how a "diluted boy" looked like... Heh..

OK - 2 Integrity. You are beginning to make me smile at you. I am impressed by the efforts most of you made today to ensure you did well for your oral presentation. It wasn't easy, I know, but some of you gathered all your courage and did your best. And for that, I applaud you. You made me so proud of you, I really had no qualms giving some of you the full marks. I see that you can rise up to the occasion too if it calls for it. All of you have so much potential, I wonder why some of you decide to keep it within you when you can manifest it. I especially enjoy it when you compete just so to get better marks. Keep that competitive spirit within you and drive yourself to be better always. You can only get better, right? And so, 2 Integrity - don't let me down, but more importantly, don't let yourself down.

:)

Angels Brought Me Here

Yes, it is a fairly old song, sung by Guy Sebastian - Australian Idol 2004. But I'm totally in love with it. I've been listening to it over and over and over again... Too bad I can't fit the song in here, but I'd like to share with you the lyrics... So beautiful...

ANGELS BROUGHT ME HERE
By Guy Sebastian

It's been a long and winding journey, but i'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces, and walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory, where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling, when i look into your eyes...

My dreams came true, when i found you
I found you, my miracle...

If you could see, what i see, that you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

Standing here before you, feels like i've been born again
Every breath is your love, every heartbeat speaks your name...

My dreams came true, right here in front of you
My miracle...

If you could see, what i see, you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

Brought me here to be with you,I'll be forever grateful (oh forever Faithful)
My dreams came true
When I found youMy miracle...

If you could see, what i see, you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

Yes they brought me here... If you could feel, the tenderness i feel...
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

I've been on MC

Yes, my kids have been asking me why I haven't been to school lately. They have been asking why I have been on MC so often lately. And as much as I don't want to say much, I think I owe them an explanation - as well as caring colleagues who have been asking what happened to me.

Well, in short, I have been visiting the hospital lately for more checks, and Monday saw me going through a colonoscopy. From morning, I had to take some awful concoction that "prepared" my intestines for the procedure. In the coldness of the various operating rooms in the endoscopy ward at SGH, I was given a jab that saw me passing out so I was spared the discomfort of the whole procedure.

When I awoke, I was glad to find mum by my side, telling me that the doc said nothing seriously wrong was with me. He'd see me again in two weeks to follow up on further treatments if necessary. I couldn't remember when I was wheeled out, or when the procedure ended, or how I got down from the bed. All I remember was I was given a hot cup of Milo by the nurse and my stomach hurt like hell. The nurse promised me the pain would subside. Thankfully, by the time I reached home, it did.

I felt nauseous the next day, and decided that I needed a longer rest than I had anticipated. A big bruise surfaced below the plaster that covered the injection mark. The pain in my abdomen comes on and off - an acute pain that alternates between the left and right regions. I've lost my appetite for my usual sustenance, and I dread meal times. My stomach feels like it is in a mess. Well, at least I am glad it's not as bad as what the other doc thought it could have been - cancer.

So, thanks my kids for your care and concern. This is what happened. This is why Miss Chew has been absent. And she hopes she doesn't have to be absent for so many days for a while...

I must say, when I returned to school on Wednesday, I was touched by my form class, 3 Diligence. For some reason, they decided to clean the classroom til it sparkling clean.. well, almost. It was as if it was their way of welcoming me back. In a way, I missed them. Sometimes, I wished they were more motivated, more driven to want to do well. It saddens me to see some give up so easily. Where is that spirit of resilience? Where is the enthusiasm? Where is the drive, the spirit? Where is the power of their youth?!

If I ever want to see anything, I'd like to see them develop these qualities. I'd love to see them succeed and be so proud of themselves, of their achievements. I'd like them to reach the top and one day say to themselves - yes, I've made it.

This is my vision for you, my dear 3 Dil...

Unity does it again!

This blog entry is dedicated to Sec 2 Unity - yes, you've done it again!

Thanks for today's immaculate performance, for participating, and rising to the occasion when the moment arrived. I smiled when Sam raised his hands to ask a question. Or even when Jason asked a simple question like, "Where did you get the money from, ah?" That put smiles on our visitors' faces.

You see, all of you have the potential. All of you can be up there in the top class. Even our VIP asked if you were the top class. I guess he was pleasantly surprised when I said you were not. And he wasn't the only one asking if you were the top class. You made us all very proud of you, because to us it meant that you need not be in the top class to be good. You can be good where you are. And that motivates us teachers to want to persevere, because we've been encouraged.

Justin - I must say you did a fabulous job! A few teachers came up to me after that, asking about you. Look out for more opportunities to show your talent and strength! :)

I must also commend the panel of speakers - Weiqi, Bryan, Rachel, Maryse and Jackson. I know it's not easy being placed in the hot seat, to be asked question. But you took up the challenge and worked hard to making the lesson work. You put in the effort to read the long articles, to do the research, to rehearse, and to perfect it all. Thanks for calling me up yesterday after school just to make sure you all knew what to do today, and for coming in early today. I hope you had fun doing all the research as much as the class had fun asking all the questions!

Sec 2 Unity - you are a special class, and don't let anyone let you think otherwise. Remember that if you can rise up to the occasion and do so exceptionally well for this lesson today, you can also do equally well in every aspect of your life. It's just putting your mind to it. Believe you can achieve great things and you will. Because when you do, all your actions lead you towards that goal. All of you wanted the lesson to be perfect, and that's why you put in your best effort. Want that perfectionism in the other parts of your life. You'd find yourself directiong your actions to working towards perfect in no time.

Don't give up when difficulties face you, because you've just proven that you've got what it takes to make it all happen despite the odds.

:)

The Cold Bug

I've been hit by the cold bug, and I think my kids are either very happy that I'm not there to teach them, or sad that they have some other boring relief teacher to. :P

Well, I've been fighting the virus since last week, and I guess the additional pressure of some VIP coming over tomorrow to observe my class doesn't help. And so, after being down on Monday, I'm down again with the "haaaahhh choooooo!". Yes, I'm a germ-spreader.

But I'm so proud of my 2 Unity kids, who are so conscientious about making the lesson tomorrow work, that they decided to call me to find out exactly what they should do. And so, all dizzy eyed, I briefed them.. "Are you really sick, Miss Chew?" asked one of them after realising that I'm still working at home to finalise the lesson for tomorrow despite the medicine that's making me all drowsy.

Yes, I've not been well lately and I wonder why. My resistance level seem to have dropped over the years. I remember being able to stay in my cold office at 18 degrees celcius in NUS and not feel cold at all. Now, I shiver and sneeze when it gets too cold. Time to balance the ying yang!

I had a good chat over the msn with one of my NIE mates just two days back. We talked about school, about our kids, about bureaucracies, about future plans, and future partners! She loved my previous blog entry, and told me it was a good one. Thanks for your encouragement, D, for pushing me to pick up more starfishes and throw them into the sea! I guess sometimes, some people don't appreciate or see the effort we're putting in to save these starfishes. Sure, we're not perfect, and we may have to throw the same starfish back into the sea over and over again. But we know what we're doing it for, and we know our conscience is clear. And if it saves starfishes, really, it's all that matters.

My brother was just over the msn with me, and though we're in our 30s, we really are children at heart. We recall our school days once in a while, of how we would smuggle food into the study room so we could eat them without our dad knowing, or of how we used to eat the "pie porridge" my mum used to cook. We joke that it taught us fractions! Remembering our childhood doesn't make us childish. It makes us realise how far we've moved on. And sharing it doesn't make us any weaker. It makes us realise we were strong then. And we can be stronger now.

So don't forget to be a child sometimes. My brother says being a child is good.. He quotes from the bible, "Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven."

:)

Thanks kids!

It's uncanny how life can be when it deals you with a wild card you don't expect.

My student posted a blog entry in the school blog that was set up to participate in a blog competition. In it, he wrote about how he was affected by what I shared with him and a few other students in class, about my life when I was a teenager, about growing up faster than my counterparts, about hitting hurdle after hurdle, and despite all the odds, I didn't even once felt like giving up. In fact, I went on and on. I just felt that there was a necessity to go on, to remain strong for myself and those around me.

My student said that he thought he was stong, but after what I shared with him, he felt he wasn't. He said that if he were in my shoes, he'd have given up. He said that one day, he hopes to have my never-give-up attitude.

I knew I had to go through what I went through for a reason. I knew that for what I went through, I had to share my experience with those around me. It is for this reason perhaps that I found my calling in teaching some two years back. I knew I had to share this part of my life in school.

I don't really know what drove me then, or what made me so strong that I just could go on and on with a stamina even I didn't realise I had. But I know some things made the experience less bitter.

• Firstly, the power of prayer. I prayed whenever I felt low. I asked God to give me patience and strength daily. That was all I asked for. He sent me angels in my life, coming in the form of friends.
• Secondly, my upbringing. I remember that when I was young, mum used to have this small book filled with positive quotes. Almost every day, she'd tell me about the power of positive thinking. Although perhaps too young to understand the full essence of it at that age, somehow, I believed that what you believe in your mind, you will get. In my mind, I believed that home would be a better place. Well, it is now for me!
• Thirdly, this quote - "Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." It gave me strength, and hope. It made me realise that it doesn't matter how often my hurdles bring me down on my journey. It is me picking myself up that matters.

Of course, I have a wonderful brother that I knew loves me although he doesn't say it. Ever since dad left, he's taken on the role as head of the house, ensuring that our daily needs are met.

Today, life isn't exactly luxurious, but we have enough to get by. I'm proud to be able to send my mum on holidays cos that's what she enjoys.

And just as I thought life could be all comfortable, I'm hit with news that may mean I may not be in the best of health for some time.

I've learnt to realise that I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and so I'll do all I can do today.

To my student who wrote that blog entry, I'd like to thank you. And for all of you who have been tagging on the tagboard, and posting your comments, i'd like to thank you too for your concern and encouraging words. Being a teacher can be trying at times, but your words push me on. All of you are angels sent to me by God, to encourage me and push me on when the road gets tough.

Thanks for inspiring me, kids! Don't give up on your dream. I'm sure one day, you'll be an inspiration to others too!

:)

Alright, alright....

I hear the voices of my students - "Miss Chew, you've not been updating your blog!"

Yes, my dears. I've been so caught up with so many things on my hands that blogging becomes a luxury! And since it's a school holiday today, I figured I'd take some time off early this morning to pen down a few thoughts.

It's uncanny that the theme of "death" keeps popping up every now and then, I wonder if I am going to die soon. Tuesdays with Morrie was a book I decided to pick up and read again over the holidays because mum was watching the movie on the Hallmark Channel. One line struck a chord in my heart especially - "You only learn to live when you learn to die."

Indeed, we never know how much we should be doing, or how much we can do, until we are faced with death.

A friend of mine sent me an email on a speech by the CEO of Apple. He was diagnosed with cancer one day, and suddenly, it dawned on him how much he can do and should be doing. And fortunately, there was treatment to cure his cancer. With a new lease of life, he went on to do much more than he ever thought possible.

I shared with my three classes my reflections on Tuesdays with Morrie. I had hoped that through it, they would be motivated to want to do more with their lives, with their healthy bodies. I wonder how many fell on deaf ears, and how many fell on touched hearts. But it touched my heart, and made my day to see one of my students pull out a brand new copy of Tuesdays with Morrie during morning reading a few days after I introduced the book to them.

I look at my life and I wonder how much more time I'd have left to live. And taking stock, I wonder if I have done the best I could. I wonder if I have done enough. Suddenly, when faced with the possibility of death anytime, I find myself wanting to do more than I ever thought I wanted.

If I were to die tomorrow, would I have been satisfied with the way I had led my life? Would I have forgiven all that hurt me? Would I have been forgiven by those I hurt? Have I told those dear to me how much they mean to me? Have I shown my gratitude? Have I been generous in kind words? Have I been a true friend? Have I been a good teacher? Have I touched enough hearts? Have I made a difference? Would anyone remember me? Would they remember me for the legacy I would have left behind? Or would they remember me not? If I were to hear my eulogy today, what would I hear?

No, no, I'm not indulging myself here. I am not craving for praise. Rather, I am wondering if I am worthy of any. Really - what have I done?

And so, I urge you. Take a look at your life right now. Take stock. If death faces you today, and you don't have a tomorrow to live for, what will you be doing? Do all that you plan to do today. For if we have a tomorrow to live for, it is a bonus to do yet more things.

Under-blogging

I accompanied five of my handpicked students today to the launch of the National Interschool Blogging Competition. Amongst the talks and briefings (not to mention the nice sandwiches and samosas), my students once again bugged me to update my blog. "Miss Chew, you're under-blogging!"

Oh yes. They have learnt the fine art of coinages.

And so, here I am with eyes almost half-closed but forcing myself to fill in an entry as if the 120 scripts staring at me isn't enough to keep me awake. I'm hoping I can finish it all by Sunday at least so I can enjoy Monday to myself.

Anyway, if you have time, I'd recommend you go watch Coach Carter - if it's still showing. I caught the movie about two or three weeks back and was deeply inspired and enlightened.

For a while, I think I lost sight of what education was all about. I allowed my students to not focus on their work if they were achievers in other areas.

I was a firm believer of doing whatever your heart desires, whereever your heart lies. It is with this every same philosophy that I chose to take up Sociology, English and Philosophy back in NUS whilst the rest of my friends were busy signing up for the Econs and Stats classes cos "it's the closest you can get to Business Scool".

And when I was left without a friend during Philosophy lectures, I felt lonely only for a moment. But it was also then that I learnt to walk on my own, to be intrigued by the logic of philosophy, about finding sound and unsound arguments, about fighting for or against abortion, or dealing with social issues. It made me think critically. It made me reflective. It honed my inner voice.

And so, back to now that I am a teacher, it seems that I have taken on that role. I figured if it woked for me, it could work for anyone else. Right?

Wrong. Different charachters entail different diagnosis and treatment.

In the movie, the coach decided that education was first priority. So what if they made good or excellent baskstball players? If they were awful in their school work, they won't get to places.

And so, the show evolved to how he, despite the odds, caused almost half the team to earn scholarships and get into universities.

I sat and asked myself - what is the purpose of educating my kids? To groom them to be the person they ought to be, or to make them academically smart? I guess I have failed to realise that these kids are in school to be educated. That in the process of learning their subjects, they develop themselve individually into the persons they ought to be.

If one cannot learn how to apply time management in his school work, or learn to motivate himself, or learn discipline, or precision, how is he able to be able to go on further in life striving to be the best person he ought to be if he never did learn it in the first place in the most basic form of education? And so, I began to see the link with education and character development going hand in hand.

And so, now, when I drive my kids, and push them, it's with a different mindset, a different intention. It is with the aim to enrich the process of character development, with the hope that they see things in a different light soon.

Yes, we all know that once we leave school, we may never use that maths formula we're forced to memorise. Yes, I don't remember a thing about differentiation and integration, but I learnt perseverance. I learnt not to keep things til the last minute. I learnt that even if I have failed, I can still pass if I try hard. And these stay with me for as long as I live.

Being in school and striving to excel has drawn out of me these qualities.

That, to me, is education. And I want to pass it on to the kids I teach.

Paying tribute to Dr Wee Kim Wee

No, it is not the civil servant in me that spurs me to write this entry. It's the man himself. Truly exemplary. And all he believed in, was the simple philosophy of loving everything he came across.

I came back home early yesterday afternoon, in time to catch the last parts of the former President's funeral service. I was especially touched by his grand-daughter's eulogy. Amongst the things she spoke about, about how a wonderful grandfather he had been, a man with a sweet tooth and an equally sweet heart, I was especially touched by what she said about remembering him in our hearts.

She said, "If you wish to honour his memory in your life, then live your life to the full. Stand by your friends, cherish your family, listen to everyone with an open mind, and welcome those who cross your path with an open heart."

Surely, Dr Wee is a humble reminder to our lives, how often we have judged others by our own merits. He didn't judge. He gave everyone a chance. He stayed grounded despite being elevated. He made time for everyone and every living creature. And yet, he had time to enjoy simple pleasures too - of his favourite rum and raisin ice-cream and chocolate.

I never knew the man himself, but he always had a place in my heart. Maybe it was because he was the neighbour of my primary school classmate. I remember she would boast about how Mrs Wee would give them kueh kueh to eat, and how she would call the President then "Uncle". I was envious, and tried ways and means to find a reason to visit her, so that I could see the man himself. Of course, I never did get a chance. But I took advantage of the fact that I had a friend, who was the neighbour of the President, to boast about my "connection" with him.

So maybe, till today, I have a special place in my heart for Dr Wee, and sadly, I only got a chance to see him in person when I paid my respects to him on Tuesday. He looked serene - a picture of peace and humilty. I signed my name on the book, and wrote, "God will be with you and your family always. Will miss you."

Indeed, I will. And so will a lot of others whose lives he has touched.

I'm sick

Yes, I've been hit by the flu bug, and what frustrates me is the fact that my kids are gonna have their exams next week, and I don't know if I've done enough to help them prepare for the exams. What's more, I have piles of marking which I left in school, so I can't even attempt to mark at home... not that I think I can considering I get drowsy with the medication...

My throat hurts, my nose is runny, I think I'm running a fever... But the doc only covered me with an MC for Tuesday, so I had to duly go for my course which I registered for with Jeannie today. I was battling with my eyelids the whole time during the course, trying not to let the effects of the medication get to me.

It was an interesting course or workshop should I say, about getting Singaporeans to read. Indeed, it was time well spent though I wished I had been more well. The effects of the cold air con did little to make me feel better, and so at the end of a long day, I feel more sick than how I felt on Tuesday... Bleah...

Nonetheless, the workshop inspired me and enlightened me personally in a few ways. There were two things that the trainer said that got me thinking. She was discussing about what she was thinking as she was reading the recommended book - she said, "It's funny how sometimes, we want to be alone, but it is during these times when we are alone, that we reflect and realise we need people around us."

The other thing she said was about reading. "How can we be good writers, if we can't be good readers?" It made me realise that my reading appetite is really small compared to other English teachers who are so passionate about the literary classics. I pale in comparison, and blush embarrasingly as others speak of classics like Lord Jim, Pride and Prejudice, the works of Emily Bronte, Jane Austen and the works. Maybe it's time for me to pick up some books like my kids?

It is indeed ironical that I tell my students to read, and yet I can hardly find time to read myself. Shouldn't I be walking my talk? And considering the fact that I love to write, I sure do read too little! What about my dream of becoming a travel writer one day? Shouldn't I be honing the necessary skills now?

Well, I don't know how a literature based syllabus for writing will go down with my school, but it's worth a try. I will have to speak to my HOD when I get back to school. I sure hope I'll be feeling better soon. There's just too much to do to be falling sick!

I'm out...!

Busy Busy!

Ah yes. I have not been updating my blog, and I have to have my dear students telling me "Miss Chew, you haven't updated your blog!"

I find myself in a situation in which the tables are turned. Instead of me chasing my kids for work, they come to me and tell me that I've not been doing my duty in updating my blog. I take it as a compliment, that they find inspiration, joy and perhaps, entertainment in wanting to read my blog.

Days just flew past me since my dive trip. In short, the dive trip was one of the best experiences in my life. I overcame my fear of the open sea, and just yesterday, when I swam in the pool, the feeling of water became all so familiar, except for the fact that the open sea is much more beautiful with its many fishes. Now, my filled up dive log and nice golden brown tan are reminders of my experience. Yes, I finally took up the challenge to face my fear, and I'm glad I did!

Many things happened following that. School work has been hectic. Piles of marking come in day after day, and sometimes, I wonder if marking is all I do as a teacher. I hope not.

Many still ask me til this day, why I chose to quit my job and come to teach. Well, besides the fact that I felt it was a calling, I felt that I needed to go through this experience. I felt that my call requires me to touch the lives of many, and with this in mind, I go through day by day. It's hard sometimes, trying to meet deadlines, follow beaureaucracies, and teach all at the same time, but I try. It's not a bed of roses. It's not my idea of a perfect job. It's not all fulfilling, and exasperation and frustration get into me sometimes. But I take it all in my stride knowing fully well that with each day that passes, I am doing my part in throwing starfishes in the sea.

We had our school's Sports' Day yesterday. And besides the fact that I had real fun with my supervisor taking over the microphone and cheering on for our house, thanks to the fact that we had been tasked to be the announcer for the day, and besides the fact that our house came in first overall, and in the staff race (yipee!!), I had a nice talk with one of my drama kids' girlfriend. Yes, I'm one teacher who knows who's going out with who....

She tells me that she thinks I'm one cool teacher who's more like a friend than a teacher. Well, I guess she's right. When I came in to teach, I had a different approach to teaching. Maybe my work experience and my personality drives me to feel hierarchy is but an illusion. Hierarchy build walls, not bridges. And with this philosophy, I entered teaching. I felt that the way to nurturing a positive attitude towards learning, is not about pulling weight always in class. It's about building bridges. It's about making connections. Of course, once in a while, I'd have to pull rank and show the kids who's in charge, but it doesn't happen always - only when the occasion calls for it.

And kids realise too their positions. They know it when I'm serious. They know it when they can treat me like their friend. Like what my Principal would say, "They know how to dance with you."

Yes, isn't it so? Isn't all relationships about dancing? Be it with a friend, a student, a boss, a parent, or a loved one, keeping a relationship strong and going, is all about knowing how to dance. It's about knowing when to step back, when to step forward, when to twist and turn, and how to move with the music. It's about knowing when to demand, when to give in, when to surprise and appreciate the moment, as both parties go through life.

Some dances are harder to learn than others. It takes time to master it, and sometimes, we need lots of practice. As for me, I am learning to dance in other areas of my life as well. It's not always easy, but at least I know I'm trying.

:)

I'm learning too...

It's cliche I know, to say we learn every day. Even as a teacher, I find myself learning every day. I learn from my friends, from my brother, from fellow colleagues, from the newspapers and yes, even my students.

I am glad that despite my busy schedule, I have put aside some time to learn something new. I had intended to take this up last year, but the sudden back ache got me postponing it till never ever, until this time, I decided that it was about time I faced my fears and challenged myself. After all, there was a little incentive in going. My good friend, Priscilla said she wants to go on a trip with me after she gives birth.

And so, I've gone back to lessons, took my quiz and I don't really believe it but I'm actually reading my notes in preparation for my exams tomorrow. Though everyone tells me nobody has failed the exams before, I don't think I want to be the first. Tuesday onwards, I'd be going on my practical lessons, and this weekend, I'd be overseas bound on my first ever open water dive! Yes, I'm learning to dive.

Over the past two days, I've learnt about buoyancy, and what happens to you when you have too much oxygen and nitrogen in your body, why you have to ascent and descent slowly, what causes the bents, and cute hand signs for the different aqua life. It's amazing. Now, I understand why Pris got hooked to diving. I sure hope I can equalise when I get underwater so I can see the marine life that I've been observing only through the Discovery Channel so far!

This will be a challenge for me even more as I will be facing my phobia of the water.. no, I'm not really afraid of water. It's just that I panic when I can't catch my breath. I just decide to hold my breath, and if you dive, you know that that really isn't a very good idea cos your lungs may burst!

Learning diving brought me to realise something - I miss studying. I miss learning things in an educational institution. I miss discovering new things. Maybe sometimes, I get so bogged down with work, and marking and teaching, that I forget to sit back and take time to learn myself. My kids I teach will probably not understand the value of education, the joy of learning and discovering until one day, when they are old enough to work, will they then miss the joy of being a student. Mark my words. I know because I was in their shoes once.

Learn. It's about enriching your life with knowledge.

Sick, but surviving...!

Yeah, nobody likes that four-letter word. Neither do I. But I've been struck by more virus than one, and now I feel like a lethargic old girl with loads of marking to do. I straddle between trying to get my fair share of rest, and trying to meet my deadlines for marking and setting of exam papers.

But putting that aside, I think I had a swell of a week. When the new term started, I was already trying to fight off the flu bug. I pressed on. I had my lesson observation coming up and the last thing I needed was to fall sick.

It didn't help that I wanted to deliver the best lesson I could for the lesson observation. I tried not to pressurise myself, but the perfectionist in me just couldn't do less than what I was capable of. On the other hand, I was also afraid of over-taxing my poor old body. It needed rest, I know. But I had to push myself too.

Actually, I was more concerned if my kids would learn what I had intended for them to learn. Will they see what I wanted them to see? I tried to focus my lessons, and cut short activities that didn't seem to contribute to the lesson. Finally, on Tuesday, I felt I had what I wanted to teach. My supervisor saw my lesson plan and said it was OK. She said it'd be pretty interesting to see how it would unfold. I prepared my materials - colourful cards, papers, worksheets.... It was now all up to me, and my students.

My kids at 2 Unity are a wonderful bunch. I have a love-hate relationship with them. I know how boisterous they can be sometimes, and it can get pretty draining when I try to teach and there I have a bunch of kids just doing their own thing. But on a whole, I find them really endearing. My fellow teacher tells me that each time I speak of them, there's a sparkle in my eyes. Yes, in a way, they are my favourite students. After all, amongst all my students I have this year, I've taught them for the longest.

I didn't know how they'll be for the lesson observation. I did tell them my supervisor and the Principal will be coming in. I did tell them to ensure the classroom was clean. I did tell them to make sure they are neat and nice so they won't get into trouble. But I didn't tell them how I want them to be for my class. I just felt that that would be too make believe. I just hoped that they would rise up to the occasion during the lesson.

Well, my kids did surprise me that day. The classroom was sparkling clean. The tables were in neat rows. They got themselves ready into groups even before I told them to. And when I started the lesson, they were all ears. I love it when they look at me and listen earnestly with that look of enthusiasm in their eyes. They don't know it, but seeing this just makes my day.

They knew when to stand to greet the Principal when she walked in, and they knew when to reply to my questions. When it came to group work, all were engaged in the activity - every single one of them. But the best was yet to come. It was time to discuss their answers, and those that I called to present did so with such eloquence and intelligence, even they marvelled my observers, not just me. Indeed, the ideas and thoughts that ran through their minds, verbalised in words made the lesson much better than I had anticipated. Surely, they rose to the occasion higher than I ever thought possible.

My lesson ended well on time, and left them yearning for more. My Principal was so pleased with them she gave them a little speech at the end of the lesson, praising them for their behaviour. She said she was amazed at how each one of them listened when another classmate was presenting in class. She said she only saw this in Sec 2 Unity.

I felt proud of them. Like a parent seeing her child go on stage to receive her award, I was proud of these kids of mine. Suddenly, all the shouting to get them to listen when another was presenting seemed worth it. Suddenly, teaching them respect paid off. And maybe they didn't realise what they had done or learnt, but they had manifested it, and it showed it was in them. They are capable of exceeding expectations. They are capable of excelling. It's now just up to me to push them in the right direction.

And so my Sec 2 Unity - if you are reading this. Yes, thank you. Thank you for making my week a special one. Thank you for showing me that with perseverance, hard work will pay off. Thank you for encouraging me and letting me know that my mission of throwing starfishes in the sea is not an aimless one. You are a constant reminder for me, that I have a mission, and that I have to push on come what may. Thanks for making me smile. I hope I can do the same for you too.

:)

My Report Book

I did something strange today. I pulled out my report book from my secondary school days, and flipped through the pages, one by one. I vaguely remembered that I was strong in Geography and perhaps Biology, but I never quite remembered the rest of my subjects - except for A Maths of course, where I had an F9 right down to the O Level prelims.

Something struck me as I was flipping through the pages. The results I had back then were not very far from some of my students right now. I looked at the remarks my teacher wrote of me. "Shows great potential", "Responsible", "Conscientious", "Independent". As far as I could recall, I didn't think so highly of myself back then. All I remember was mugging at the last minute - just one day before the test. Somehow or other, I managed to pass quite OK - well, at least I got A1s to show for some subjects. Surprisingly, I did quite well for A Maths in Sec 3!

In any case, I wasn't too concerned about the marks. As I put my report book back on the shelf, I asked myself - what would my teacher think, say or feel if they meet me now. How would they feel if they knew what they had written, or what they had said to me affected me and moulded me into the person I am today. I reflect on my character right now, and yes, in a way they are right. They could see these qualities in me back then when I couldn't even see it for myself.

It brought me to wonder how and what I say to my students will affect their lives in the future. Will they look back one day when they are all grown up and successful, and say, yes, I got this far because my teacher believed in me?

And so, in reflection, sometimes, I feel as teachers, we should really watch what we say to our students. I subscribe fully to the labelling theory. Call a kid a trouble maker and he will be. Tell him he's good, and he will be. Of course, there are a few exceptions, but maybe we're not trying hard enough?

Yes, teaching is tough. As I sat with my NIE mates on Friday over dinner, we all agree that it's not easy to teach. It's not just teaching. It's the responsibility of so many lives that you're affecting every day. It's dealing with the stress and pressure of discipline, of classroom management, of administrative details, of planning, of marking, of dealing with parents, of meeting school expectations. And sometimes, we wonder how much thanks do we get in return.

An article appeared on Thursday's forum page. Someone wrote in to elaborate on the pressures of teaching. Yes, we all agree. It's a heavy burden to bear. It's a noble profession. It's tough. But some of us stick around anyway because we find fulfilment in moulding young minds and hearts.

As I start Term 2, I renew my objective and mission of why I came into teaching - to touch the lives of as many students as I can. It's a mammoth task, I know. But if like the boy who threw the starfishes back to sea, if I can do it one by one, bit by bit, I know I've made that difference.

Priscilla

Met up with Pris yesterday after the conference on Teaching with Newspapers at the Grand Hyatt. Well, you could say yesterday was a day of "catching up", since I also met up with Elaine, whom I got in touch with when she was working at the Ritz Carlton when I was running the ASEAN Lecture event whilst working at NUS. Glad to see that she's doing fine. Also ran into Debby and Mag - great to see you gals again.. Well, we'll meet again on Friday, yah? Can't wait!!

As usual, I enjoyed my meeting with Pris. It's always nice to meet up with her. Sometimes, I feel I talk too much each time I meet with her. It's like I'd pour out a whole baggage of news for her, and she'd just patiently listen. Each time I meet up with her, it's like getting back in touch with my true self.

It's funny but our lives seem so much alike, our characters and our thinking, that we wonder if we were related in some way. It's amazing to see how our friendship dates back since Primary One, and I'd say she's been a dear friend to me since. I remember how she'd give me 50 cents a day when I was in Primary school so that I could have money to buy a plate of mee rebus and have some left over for a popsicle. Not that I was that poor, but that my pocket money was whatever that was leftover from the household money set aside for that week. Some days, that meant nothing since my brother had to have his pocket money too.

I never did ask my mum how she managed to juggle it all, but somehow she did. Things got better when she went out to work, but that meant going back home to an empty home and a plate of cold porridge awaiting me. But I got by. I was fine. I had fun instead with my brother as we played fractions with our cold curded porridge.

Back to Pris - she's giving birth in June. About the same time as Lee Yee. I can't imagine. I'd have two new godsons within the same month! Pris has decided to name her son Christian. Nice. Says a lot, and I bet he'd be a hell of a handsome guy!

We spoke much about lots of stuff. About what has kept me busy, about kids, aboutd disappointments, about aspirations and about making ends meet. Yes, we're going through the same things ironically though we're leading separate lives. She understands how I feel. I understand how she feels.

We both parted with corny jokes that put us in higher spirits despite our fears. I guess we knew that the big guy above will watch over us somehow.

Term Break

Yes. Finally. The term break has started. And whilst others may envy at the one week breather, I am far from their envy. I realised that I have to be down in school everyday. It's worse than normal school. I have piles of marking to do, and students to meet, drama kids to train, and lesson preparation to do for me lesson observation. So, what's new?

Well, for starters, I'm taking this one week break to reflect on what I could have done better. What worked? What didn't? Why didn't it work?

As I set goals for my students, I have also begun to sit back, take a breather and set goals for myself. What is it that I want to achieve this term? Have I achieved any goals myself? Why am I on this mission? And have I begun to head towards the goal of this mission that I have embarked on?

Maybe yes, maybe no. I am glad that I have continued my good rapport with 2 Unity although sometimes, they climb over my head. And I have established good rapport with my form class. I think I need more working on for 2 Integrity. Slowly, but surely, I will get there! And my drama kids - what a lovely bunch! Put the rapport aside, I have to ask myself if I have been an effective teacher. Was I able to teach such that they understand?

It's time to think and reflect...

Morning Run

I must say it has sure been a while since I last ran, and so this morning's mass run with my students was a refreshing one, and one that brought back fond memories of old school days. It also got me reflecting about life...

As I observed whilst running, some students refused to run, deciding that they are not the "running type". Some chose to walk instead. Some were influenced by others, either to walk or run. Some were coerced, yet some were motivated just to do the best they could to do the run.

It got me reflecting about how we pursue our goals in life's journey. Each time we watch a sport's meet, we marvel at how someone else can run, or swim, or jump. Somewhere deep inside us, we wished we could be like that someone else.

In the very same way, I think some of my students and colleagues wished they could run faster. They wished they were fitter. They wished. But don't most of us do? I think the difference made is do we just wish, or do we do something about that wish?

For the runners who decided they were not the "running type", could they be a reflection of those of us who decide right from the start that we will fail even before trying? How do we know we are not the "running type" if we never try to put in all our best efforts to run? Similarly, how do we know we will succeed in anything if we never did try? Mostly, we are afraid to attempt anything because we are afraid to fail. Failing mars our image. Failing mars our perfect score. Failing highlights our weaknesses. Yes? No!

Failing per se is not good or bad, but what led to the failure and how we deal with it determines its value or non-value. If we tried our best yet we failed, we can stand proud and say - well, at least I tried. If we didn't put in our best effort, then hasn't it already given us the answer of what we should do? We deal with failure constructively. I once read somewhere that there is no such thing as failures, only lessons to be learnt. What have we learnt if we failed? Can we do anything about it? Have we put in our best?

Yet on the other hand, there is another group of people who haven't quite decided for themselves where they'd like to stand. And so they follow all those around them. If one runs, they will run. If one stops, they will stop.. Yes, my friend calls this the "Titanic Sydrome" - "You jump, I jump" *cringe*.

The problem with such a group of people is that they have not begun to develop their individualism. They are influenced by peer pressure. They cannot stand on their own two feet and say proudly - yes, this is what I stand for and believe in. It's about being confident about who you are and what you do.

I've told my students many a time when they are disruptive in class - if you want to fail, then go fail, don't pull your friends along with you. Someone who has a mind of his/her own will be able to decide for oneself what he or she wants. It's a matter of focus. It's a matter of choice.

I remember when I was in Secondary One, after the year end examinations, when the rest of my friends were playing in class, I had my mind on how to take care of the home whilst mum remained in hospital after an overdose of sleeping pills. My friends planned on going out, of having a chalet, of shopping. But I had my mind focused on my mum and brother. I had to be there for them, not to mention the fear of my dad. I stood my ground. Nevermind if it was uncool not to go out then, or if I wasn't included in the "in" group cos I couldn't afford their tea dances and expensive clothes, I stood my ground and believed in what I stood for and what I had to do.

If you think about it, life is like a run. Those who ran because they were forced to by their teachers were a reflection of those of us who go about in life because we were forced into such and such a job, such and such a life, such and such a partner.

But if you think about it, there were runners who were self-motivating as well. They just ran because they knew they could. They ran because they had their mind focused on it. And they did it well. And those that walked reminded us that we don't always need to rush through things to succeed, or do things in a haste. Somehow we will reach our goal as long as we're focused, systematic and persevering.

I want my students to think and reflect on their motivation level when they did the morning run - did you feel excited about the run?
- when you ran, how were you as a runner - passive, coerced, or active?
- use the running style you have identified and relate this back to your own life. How are you as a person as you go about achieving your life's goals.

Think about it the next time you run. What kind of runner in life are you? Run your life like a runner and head for the first always!

Valentine's Day

Tomorrow's Valentine's Day. It sure has been a while since I last experienced VDay being celebrated in school. I wonder what my kids will be up to. Let's see. The last I remembered celebrating that day in school was when I was in JC. I remember spending the night baking heart-shaped cookies to give away to my friends and classmates. The VDays that came after that were less memorable though along the way I did have that special someone to celebrate with. But somehow, it wasn't anything fancy since he didn't feel very strongly about celebrating it.

In any case, that was some 7 years back? I must say my most memorable Vday was the one last year, where I planned for Jeff to propose to Wendy - where I conspired to get her favourite food, music and flowers - set it all in her new home complete with tealight candles and jazz music. And how the taxi driver who sent me to her home said that "someday, somebody's gonna do the same thing for you." (You can read the whole story in February's archives if you know how to get there!)

Well, it's been a year since that happened, and hmmm... nobody has done that for me as yet. Well, I guess my gifts from God come in different packages!

Tomorrow, I will be celebrating VDay with three other girls - close friends of mine who reckon that being attached or married doesn't entail that they have to celebrate and be all romantic just on this particular day. They tell me love can be expressed on any other day just as well. I agree....

On another note, I guess on some other part of the island, two of my other friends will be celebrating this special day for the first time since he proposed to her. Yes, I've played cupid on my birthday two years back, and now I'm seeing the fruits of my labour! I'm glad for you, my friends!! I hear wedding bells!! How nice!!

Yes, I am still a romantic at heart!! Happy V Day to all my kids - I really shouldn't be encouraging teenage relationships, but go on, use this day to tell whoever you love that you love them, because you'll never know when the moment will slip you by.

:)

New blog design and CNY so far...

I figured I'm tired of the old design, and I thought this one better reflects the starfish icon that I've been associated with... it took me a while to transfer the stuff over, and I must say, I'm quite proud of myself to able to do all of it in less than an hour!

Well, the new year has started out ok so far. I wouldn't say it's fantastic considering the fact that on new year's eve, my mum announced to all of us that her brother (my only uncle from my mum's side) has been diagnosed with nose cancer. It came as a shock to us as he has been well all along, disregarding the fact that he has lost 7kg over the past year. We didn't really think it was anything to take note of since he's always known to be thin.

And so when I got back from school, mum gathered my brother and I in a room and asked us if it was OK if we pooled together what we had to help cover for uncle's medical bills. She asked us if it was OK if we let uncle and his wife stay over at our place. She asked if it was OK if she stopped work for a while to take care of uncle as he undergoes radiotherapy and possibly, chemotherapy. My brother and I were of course supportive of whatever mum decided. We understood that uncle always treated us as his children, having no children on his own. It was the least we could do.

She was relieved to see that we were so supportive. Across the island, my cousin sent her an sms telling her not to worry cos she too will support in whatever way she could.

Reunion dinner was a little tense as nobody really knew if they should bring up the issue or not. Thankfully, the ice was broken and we all started talking as if it was nothing serious. Some brought out instances of friends suffering from cancer for the past 17 years. To uncle, it meant that he wasn't really going to die so soon. There was hope.

But deep in our hearts, we are preparing for the worst. If all works out well, we'll thank God for giving him the chance to live a longer life. If not, we'd thank God too for not prolonging his suffering.

Uncle told my mum that he dreamt of my grandmother, and she told him that she was going to take him "home". We all knew what that meant, but still, we pray, that uncle thinks positively and do what's best for him.

For now, for everything that has happened, it has brought me to reflect how precious life can be. I've begun to think if this were my last days on earth, what will I do?

I'm glad that my family has rose up to the occassion to show generosity, love and compassion. It isn't so bad a start of the new year after all on hindsight. I feel my family bonding together again.

Let's appreciate what we have, and count our blessings...