It finally dawned on me that the holidays have ended. Finally feeling like any other teacher, I am suddenly faced with the harsh reality that come Monday, I have eight periods to cover - all with Normal Tech kids. I will meet my Secondary Four class again, that spoke of nothing but sex in the previous lesson. I'm hoping I can control them better this time.
I have just been told today that I am also to join the English Department's meeting on Monday afternoon. Then comes compiling the whole package and scheme of work for the Secondary Three Express English lessons. Sometimes, I wonder if I can blame myself for being too perfect, too efficient. After long hours of research and hard work to get everything done by today, I realised that my other team-mates have not been doing their part. I tried to hold back my displeasure and kept calm as I requested for them to send me their lesson plans and materials by Monday so that I can compile it all into a CD. Did I ask for such a responsibility? No. Then why am I doing it? Perfectionism.
I am beginning to feel the heat as I sat through today's staff meeting at HIHS. I was in school at 7am to print out notes and worksheets that I had prepared for the upcoming lessons next week. Then it was a solid four and a half hour meeting consisting briefings and sharings by the P, VP and HODs. They spoke about what was coming up, the shifting of the school, the sports day, the harmony day, the school camp, the exams.... As I listened, I found myself fitting more and more into the school's culture. I found myself calling myself a teacher - not just a trainee teacher. In a large way, I was glad I made the effort to speak to the P about a permanent posting prior to the practicum posting. But feeling that I belonged to HIHS also meant that I'd soon be involved in all the activities that was mentioned at the meeting!
After the meeting, I saw myself speaking to two other teachers, running through with them the lessons for the coming week. I'd be doing this and that. I'd be setting this paper and that. I'd be attending this meeting and that. We have no time to talk about Monday's CME lesson, my CT tells me. We'll decide on Monday itself what you will teach. OK, I said. Then I ran through with her the students' work, housekeeping matters, discipline problems and how to deal with students who don't hand in their work.
I sat down finally at my desk, faced my laptop and dabbled with the microLESSON which I had painstakingly designed over the last two days. What was supposed to be an NIE project that used to be done over 8 weeks by 2 or 3 trainees, I did alone in two days.
Tomorrow, I will meet two friends to discuss yet more work outside of my teaching portfolio. Whilst excited about the plans that are brewing, and knowing that I can see myself contributing to make someone's vision real, I must admit that I am also struck by a subtle sense of fear - that I will not be able to cope with all the work that's to come. That the work that I have chosen to undertake may not be as perfect as I'd like it to be.
The fear is real. I can feel it in my bones. After all, I am human. The pressure is building up. I am feeling the heat. Have I bitten off more than I could chew this time?
Maybe. Maybe not.
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