The sinseh shop

For the first time in my life, I stepped into a sinseh shop - all by myself. Undaunted by the fact that I could well be spoken to in a language I am weak in, I made my way to this shop in Redhill which friends had recommended. I was proud of myself that I found the shop without much searching.

I was right. The plump lady there spoke to me in Mandarin. She asked me if it was my first time there. I nodded. She asked if I had a back problem. I nodded - how did she know? After a while, she signalled to me to write my name in Mandarin on a registration card... Wow.. that sure has been a while since I last did that!

And so, after about an hours' wait, I was called in. She pressed and poked and asked if it was painful. I said yes and no... Then she asked me to go into another room where she asked me to lie down. There, she kneaded me like bread dough.

Now, I smell like eucalyptus. I am bruised. The pain is still there, but it was a good rub. I'd probably go back there on Saturday for a follow up session. Besides, it'd be a good Mandarin revision lesson too! :P

Had a good time with my NIE classmates today at school. I'm so gonna miss them! Stay in touch, ya?

The one thing I learnt today

I had a good time today just catching up with friends I've not met for a while - friends from Harvard for one. The group of them are down for the Negotiations EP that I would have been running if I had not quit NUS.

Besides catching up briefly with Uncle Joel (nice to see you after so long!), I had a nice one hour heart to heart talk with Papa John. And amongst the many things we spoke about, the one thing I learnt from him today is what he tells all his children, "Your greatest responsibility is not for the generation before you, but for the generation after you." We were talking about parents learning to let go of their children when they are old enough to think on their own, to chart their own lives, and to grow up to be the individuals they ought to be.

I also met up with Ian for dinner. I haven't had time to catch up with him ever since he knew Pam! Well, I'm really happy for the both of them that things are really going on well between the both of them. :) Why do I hear wedding bells? Or was it just me hearing things? :P It's great knowing that things are going on well for him!

Just had a good talk with mum... and yes, she supports all that I'm doing... "Just make sure you take care of your health ah.." OK, mum...:)

I've to be up in three hours' time to make my way to Pulau Nanyang for some Induction Programme... after which, I will trod down to some kung fu sinseh shop to have my back twisted back to shape... Yes, it still hurts, but not as bad... And I'm glad to say, I've cured my cough! I just downed lots of mum's sambal belacan mixed in soup!

A fulfilling day indeed!

:)

Smile...

It's still a Monday morning, and for some, the day has hardly started. But for me, I feel like I've accomplished much... and there's more in store for the rest of the day! :)

For starters...

1. Woke up at 5.30am to pack the usual sandwiches for my brother's lunch.

2. Caught a glimpse of National Geographic and learnt to distinguish between a squid and a cuttlefish... Also learnt that squids are carnivores that eat even its own kind!

3. Went to the polyclinic just to appease my mum that I don't have anything more serious than a bout of flu. The doctor sent me home with a bunch of medication I already have at home, and told me to "cough til it stops".... whatever.. No MC needed. See, mum? I told you I'm OK...

4. Had a quick exchange of SMS with Pris... So glad to know you're doing fine, pal.. We'd meet up soon ya?

5. Spoke with Papa John on the phone.. Yes, he's down from Harvard. Said he was trying to get in touch with me but couldn't cos he sent an email to me to my old email address! Now he suspects that I'm some secret agent trying to hide my real identity! (*roll eyes*). Will probably meet up with him today or tomorrow before he leaves on Thursday.

6. Am working on the CampVision collaterals and T-shirt design... Final touch-ups and I can hand in the artwork today! :) Better start cracking now.. I have 3 hours to complete it all!

I hope Wendy is doing fine with the Negotiations EP. I had wanted to help more, but circumstances (like my back and flu) didn't allow me to... Well, maybe it's all for the better. I'm sure that girl will make it nice and well, and at the end of the day, she can pat herself on the back and say, "I did it!" :)

Before I pen off, I'd just like to share with you the one thing that made me all smiles since 6am this morning...

Taking a bath and being able to soap my toes without that pain in the back. :)

My Best Friend's Wedding

I guess the good part about being down with flu coupled with a backache is that I can't do much except plonk myself in front of the TV and channel surf. I think I've seen enough reruns of Exotic Homes and Getaways on Discovery Channel, or of the different kinds of prawns (ebi, as the japanese would call it) on Japan Hour. I still cannot get over the fact that they ate the prawns raw - with the feelers still moving!

In between those shows, I managed to catch two movies - The Other Sister, and my all time favourite, My Best Friend's Wedding.

I have never failed to cry at the ending of My Best Friend's Wedding. I think I must have watched that show for like, five times? And I've teared each time the scene whereby Julia Roberts gets hugged by her best friend (Michael) - as though he's saying -thanks for all you've done.

Wendy knows why I cry each time I watch that movie. She calls it the "Mark" show. I remember telling her a few weeks back when they began to show the trailers for the movie. "Let's see if I'd cry this time."

Well, Wendy, I didn't!

I guess it's a matter of perspective now. For the longest time, I thought myself to be "Jello". But this time round, I chose to be "Creme Brulee". And who cares if creme brulee is something new, or if it hasn't been around as long as jello, or if it's a tad too crusty at the top, and sweet in between. The point of the matter is that this jello has transformed, and it has moved on. And it has gained the appreciation of those who treasure the unique taste of creme brulee.

This is Pam's favourite line from the show, and I guess when you really think about it, it is true. Do what you need to do, say what you need to say, before the moment just passes you by...

"Kimmy says, When you love someone. You say it, you say it out loud.
Right now. Or the moment...passes you by."


And for all the diehard romantic friends of mine, this song's for you...

Someday
When I'm awfully low
When the world is cold
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight

Yes, you're lovely
With your smile so warm
And your cheek so soft
There is nothing for me but to love you
And the way you look tonight

With each word your tenderness grows
Tearing my fear apart
And that laugh
That wrinkles your nose
Touches my foolish heart

Lovely
Never ever change
Keep that breathless charm
Won't you please arrange it
'Cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight

And that laugh
That wrinkles your nose
It touches my foolish heart

Lovely
Don't you ever change
Keep that breathless charm
Won't you please arrange it
'Cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight

Hmm...
Hmm...
Just the way you look tonight

Down with flu...

What's with me? First the back ache, now I'm down with flu. High fever, runny nose, a sore throat and congested cough... And the back is still sorely painful...

Is is the weather? I seem to fall sick always in the month of May. Last year, I was at the CDC for the whole month, down with viral fever. Or is it just the case of the body's resistance dropping after a highly stressful period during practicum? I read somewhere that if one relaxes too much after a high stress period, the body's resistance will drop and the person will succumb to virus more easily.

Oh well, whatever the conspiracy theory is, I feel like a pile of mess waiting to be untangled.

Gotta go rest now...

Still in pain...

It's been two days since I had the acute pain at the lower back, and the pain is still there. I feel like a confused old woman who cannot decide if it's better to sit or stand. Sitting down for more than 5 minutes sends a sharp pain from the lower back up to the spine. Standing for too long sends a numbing pain at the same area. Walking sends a pulsing pain with every step I take. The only thing I can do is to lie on my papasan chair with stacks of pillows to support the back. Only then is the pain bearable.

But I feel bored just sitting there. So, just enduring the pain, I cooked a whole big pot of minestrone soup yesterday afternoon. Went NTUC to shop for groceries with my mum, and even went to church for Ascension Day Mass yesterday evening. I did much walking, and though at the end of the day, the pain came on even stronger, I did feel better than just sitting in my papasan chair doing nothing. It's times like these that I only wished I had a laptop instead of a desktop.

PAUSE... back aching again.. Let me change my sitting position...

I've been one person who hates medication. And so I refused to pop in any painkillers yesterday. But come night time, I had to succumb to the pills. Well, at least I had a good nights' sleep cos the pills make me drowsy.

Next week, I've to go back to the hospital for a check up. I hope I'd be better by then. I've got too much to do outside to stay indoors with a back ache!

Oh, and to my dear friends - thanks for your care, concern, msn messages, smses and calls. You know who you are - Thanks, really... :)

Have a great day ahead.. It's Friday!!

My back

Back from the hospital with a whole load of painkillers, and two jabs. The pain hasn't subsided, but at least I am more mobile now.

The doctor at the polyclinic referred me to the hospital after the jab they gave me didn't work. In fact, it made it more painful, and for a moment, I stood in the middle of the waiting room writing in pain. Tears just flowed down my cheeks as I realised I couldn't even slide my feet forward to move anymore. Any movement I made just triggered the pain further at the lower back.

As the nurses and paramedics transferred me from the wheelchair to the stretcher, I endured more pain. They had to lift me by my shorts as I could hardly move by myself.

I endured more pain at the A & E Ward when the doctor went through with me again the same process to test that my reflexes were OK. I found myself repeating the same things I said to the doctor at the polyclinic. Pain...

X-ray. Yet more pain as I was asked to move from the bed to the cold X-ray table. I felt helpless. I reached out to any hand that offered support for me to move from place to place. My doctor said in a chuckle. "You look like a baby". I guess so. Helpless like a baby... and maybe just as cute? :P

No fractures - the doctor told me after examining the x-ray films. He wrinkled his forehead, wondering what caused the pain. He told me if the pain didn't subside after another injection, he'd have to admit me in cos he couldn't rule out me having a slipped disc.

No - I didn't want to stay in the hospital. I'm supposed to be canoeing with my NIE mates tomorrow! And so, when he visited me again and asked if I could sit up, I rolled over with all my might, bit my lips to hide the pain and sat up. Then I stood up. Then I walked. The pain was half as bad, but bearable.

"Guess I don't have to be admitted?" I asked him.

As I am sitting in front of my PC blogging, I thank God that it wasn't anything too serious. Yes, I limp when I walk, and hold my back like a pregnant woman. My mum has kindly lifted things I needed to above the waist level so I don't have to bend down. I'm hoping the pain will subside over the next few days. I'd be bored staying at home!

Well, the good news is that I don't have to get down to NIE on Friday for more talks! :)

A Twisted Back

I must have twisted my back somehow last night. I recalled moaning in pain when Wendy called me passed midnight. I thought I could sleep the pain through and it will be OK this morning. Well, guess I was wrong.

I felt paralysed when I awoke. I had to take a full 10 minutes to figure out and contort my body just to get myself up from the floor to my feet. Even that, I was writhing in pain. With every step I took, the pain magnified 10 times to the lower back. For a while, I just stood still, wondering if that would be the best thing to do.

I woke mum up, much to her shock. From my face, she knew something was amiss. I told her about the pain. She whipped out her back brace (mum's got a back problem too), and tightly secured it around my waist. It felt better with the support, but it didn't ease the pain much.

As I lowered myself to sit on mum's bed, tears welled up in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I've never felt so much pain for so long. Suddenly, flashes of what ifs cloud my mind. What if my life was like that forever?

OK, a little melodramatic, you may say. But really, what if?

I have begun to walk more since three hours ago. I figured I'd better keep the limbs moving lest I really become immobile. I have decided to be my own physiotherapist, forcing myself to endure the pain as much as I can as I make little efforts to push myself further to bend a little, stretch a little, push a little.

I'd be going to the doctors soon. Slowly, I will walk there. I figured at the snail's pace I'm taking to walk, I'd reach there just in time - in an hour - for the polyclinic to open.

I'm hoping it's nothing more serious than a strained back that can be treated with a jab or some pain killers. But in any case, should I be hospitalised, will someone bring me a laptop so I can do work? A T-shirt design is due....

Will keep you updated after my visit to the docs. In the meantime, I shall leave and take my snail's pace there.

Hope you're having a better start to your morning! :)

When the grass is greener on the other side

The postings are out. And one by one, us trainee teachers open our envelopes with apprehension, wondering where the Minstry have sent us. For those of us who applied directly to schools, our fate also laid in the hands of the Ministry ultimately. The principals of each school had only that much say in requesting for us to teach in their schools.

When it was announced that the number of trainee teachers that got posted into JCs this year had increased by 100%, my heart twitched for a moment. Yes, I did request to get into HIHS as I wanted to teach in a Catholic school. Yet, there was once another part of me that also wanted to teach in a JC. And now with project work coming into place in the school's curriculum, teaching in a JC just became all the more attractive to me. But I knew my name wasn't on that list.

I knew that those who got posted to the JCs had at least an honours degree. I had none to boast about. Not that I couldn't qualify for it back then. I was offered to do honours for both my majors, but I had to turn both offers down as I couldn't afford it. I had to go out to work as soon as I could before the study loans welled up. And so, I graduated without honours.

Part of me began to wonder if I would have been better off just doing my honours back then. In a way, I feel I am losing out now. Not doing my honours isn't a simple case of "I should have studied harder". That would have been easy to deal with. But it was another matter altogether. It isn't always the case that opportunities be served to you on a silver platter. Well, at least not for me back then. And so, I made that choice. And now, I'm living the consequences of my choice.

But I have learnt to live my live without regrets. Driven by the maxim that "Everything happens for a reason", I believe that there is a reason why I wasn't posted into a JC. Recalling my raison d'etre for teaching, I realised that if I would have taught in a JC, then I wouldn't gain the experience I had wanted to gain in dealing with troubled teens. Not that kids at JCs are angels, but deep in me, I knew the kids at HIHS presented me with a challenge and a mission to accomplish within three years.

And so, maybe, it doesn't matter so much if Pam got posted to CHIJ St Joseph's - the school that I had wanted so much to teach in, or that Alvin got posted to his alma mater, NJC, or that Victor's going to teach at NYJC, and Jennifer at AJC, I think each of us teachers-to-be have a mission each in our schools to accomplish.

For a moment, it seemed that our teaching capacity and worth was measured by where we were posted to. But in retrospect, it really isn't the case. I believe the one up there has planned it all out. Some of our loads are heavier than others. Some of us have heavier crosses to carry. But I know that He will never give us a burden heavier than we can bear. All I need is strength, faith, and courage to face what is to come my way.

The grass always looks greener on the other side. It's perhaps time to appreciate the greenery on our side instead.

:)

Updates...

I know I haven't been the best at blogging these days. It is an indication of too many things to do, and more so, the lack of inspiration to write. In short, the following happened since the last time I blogged...

1. Received my permanent posting - it's back to HIHS.

2. Have been cooking lately, and inventing new dishes again, much to the happiness of my brother who has been spared of mum's cooking - not that she doesn't cook well, but she cooks the same dishes over and over again.

3. Mum's much better. Her health has improved, but she's still under medication.

4. Managed to get Wendy to seriously think about her future plans in her career path.

5. Grace got her dream job at TP! Congrats!! Now, I'm really going to pass my students to you, pal!

6. Was chef for the weekend for two parties. It felt good knowing people enjoyed by cooking! The brownies, once again, was a hit! :)

7. I learnt from a dear friend what it means to give unconditionally. It takes a lot out of one to do that. Sometimes, I should remind myself to be less selfish and more giving, no matter who.

8. Finally took some time to write to Dad. Thank goodness he's fine.. He's back to line dancing and is actually teaching in some home line dancing on a volunteer basis.

9. Am planning a trip to Bangkok cos I've got a free ticket!

10. Spent the weekend with three dear friends. What else could be better?

Just got back from the SAF visit as part of the NIE post practicum programme. Wow! I sat in an F5 and F16!! And did you know that each of the gigantic Singapore flag that is flown on National Day is 90ft by 60 ft, and costs $30,000 per flag. And that they have 18 flags on standby in total on that day??? Do your maths.. The price we pay for getting our country's name in the guiness book of world records.

Say what you wish.. I am proud to be a Singaporean!

:)

The way you look at me...

I've used a new song for the blog. I fell in love with it the moment I heard it. Surprise, surprise, it's sung by a Filipino. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Christian Baustista, with his rendition of The way you look at me...

No one ever saw me like you do
All the things that I could add up to
I never knew just what a smile was worth
But your eyes see everything without a single word

CHORUS
'Cause there's somethin' in the way you look at me
It's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
You make me believe that there's nothing in this world I can't be
I never know what you see
But there's somethin' in the way you look at me

If I could freeze a moment in my mind
It'll be the second that you touch your lips to mine
I'd like to stop the clock, make time stand still
'Cause, baby, this is just the way I always wanna feel

[Repeat CHORUS]

BRIDGE
I don't know how or why I feel different in your eyes
All I know is it happens every time


[Repeat CHORUS]


CODA
The way you look at me
And if you want to know how he looks like.. well.. Here's a treat for your eyes!

Little things that make me smile :)

I've been on a rollercoaster ride these days. Maybe it's the weather; maybe I've been worrying too much. But whatever it was, I have learnt to smile at the little things that come my way. As I learn to focus on these things, I learn to appreciate life better, and be thankful of all that I have.

1. Having conversations with good friends who have been up to their necks with work. Hang in there, pals! You're not alone! :)

2. Making dinner for my brother and seeing him gobble it all down with a satisfied look on his face.

3. Meeting up with my NIE mates and catching up with them.

4. Having cleared my room of mess.

5. Receiving phone calls on my new StarHub line - cos it's free and I can talk as long as I want!

6. Spending time with mum.

7. Giving someone a massage and seeing him/her all relaxed after that.

8. Having a swim when the pool is empty.

9. Listening to my music whilst rollerblading.

10. Seeing Brandy - the poodle I meet at the Tampines Park each time I blade. He reminds me of Cookie.

11. Planning a party, conjuring up recipes in my head.

12. Seeing a child talk to his dad.

13. Receiving emails from friends.

14. Making travel plans.

15. Laying my fingers on the keyboard.

16. Listening to the sound of the piano.

17. Singing in the lift or toilet.

18. Playing with babies.

19. Making another smile.

And of course, I smile best, when...

20. I see another smile. :)

But at the back of my head, I am packed with feelings of mixed emotions. For one, a dear friend of mine hasn't been too himself lately. He seems to be keeping to himself, and I wonder why. The sunshine in his eyes is gone. Maybe he's tired. Maybe he needs time alone. I hope to have the sunshine back soon... Kinda miss it!

Final school postings will be out within these two days. I wonder if I'd stay at HIHS. And more so, who else will be posted there. I'm hoping Joanne will be posted there with me. I've found a friend in her, and I know I'd feel that something's missing if I don't see that familiar face I've grown accustomed to see every morning for the past 10 weeks.

I'm beginning to feel that I've lost steam on the project I started off a few months back. My friends who have been behind me supporting this project seem to have lost their enthusiasm too. I don't blame them. It was a project that started off well, but kept hitting obstacles in relation to it. And so the motivation to carry on just wasn't there. I'm hoping to kickstart the project again, with fingers crossed. This time, I want to make it real.

Never always alone

Sometimes, when the world seem to come down on you
And when there seem to be so many things to do
When everything needs to be done almost immediately
You sit and wonder how did it all happen
Why must it all happen now?
It is times like these when you will ask,
What was it? Will this moment ever pass?
Suddenly you feel overwhelmed
And all you want to do
Is to be left alone
To not say a word
To recharge
To rejuvenate
And come to terms with your inner soul.
And in your yearn for isolation
At the same time, you also wish
That there is someone to listen
To share your burden,
To help ease the load.

Will it help to know that I'm stretching out my hand
To help ease that load?

- Deborah Anne Chew

So much happening!

Wow! I didn't realise I haven't been blogging for 4 days! And to think so much things have been happening in my life!

Friday marked the end of my practicum at HIHS. Got treated to a little party by my Sec 3 Integrity class, the class that drained me all so much. The made me a nice card, in which they penned down their little messages.. "Sorry for making you cry, Ms Chew" "Sorry for sleeping in your class" "You are a great teacher" "Ms Chew rocks!"....

Us trainee teachers organised some food for the staff of HIHS and went around with gifts and cards, thanking the P, VP and teachers who have been so nice to us during the 10 weeks there.

As I began to clear my table and drawers, a sense of relief came over me. Yes, it's finally over. That will be the last time I will be seeing my desk which I had occupied for the last 10 weeks. When I return, it will be to the new school at Punggol. I'm just hoping that I'd see my fellow trainee teachers back at HIHS too. I've grown used to seeing their faces, I think I'll miss them loads if I don't see them when the new term starts!

Friday nite was spent at M Hotel for a charity party. Highlights include meeting up with Chen Ying and Pam again after so long, and of course spending time over jokes and laughs with old friends.... Oh yes, the charity auction.. I pooled in contributions from my friends, and managed to bid a date on behalf of my friends, a CLEO bachelor for the price of $180! But since all of them are attached, they have passed the date to me! Now, I have a date with Vernon Bay, voted Bachelor with the Sexiest Attitude in the latest CLEO Eligible Bachelor contest.. Nice guy.. Spoke with him for a while.. Man, he's got a winning smile! Thanks, my friends, for your generosity that nite!!

Another highlight was the lucky draw... Wendy, Chris and I had wanted to leave for our very delayed dinner close to midnight when we realised that Wendy had bought two cards for the lucky draw. We decided to stay back and wait, and see if lady luck was smiling on us that night.. And yes she was! We won not only a CD soundtrack, but also the top prize of a weekend stay at the M Hotel worth over $700! Before the last card was drawn, Wendy pushed her Queen of Hearts to me, and said, "This one belongs to you". After I collected the prize, we both hugged each other. It was a symbolic victory in more sense than one.

The night ended late.. really late. After supper at Oscars- yummy steak and fish and chips, we headed over to Kopitiam for more coffee and dessert. By the time each of us reached home, it was close to 5am. Wendy couldn't sleep so we continued our coversation on the phone. In between, I received an SMS from a dear friend, thanking me for the night, and saying that he was almost home. I smiled as I read the message. When we waved goodbye to each other, I had wanted so much to say "send me an sms when you reach home so I'll know you're OK", but for some reason, I didn't. So it was almost telepathic when he did. That's called rapport, Uncle Joel will tell me...

Yesterday, I got up early, got fruits and headed to Tan Tock Seng Hospital to visit my CT. She had a surgery done to her finger that was injured by some accident at home. It affected the nerves, and so teh surgery was quite a major one. She was surprised to see both Joanne and I. The three of us exchanged teacher stories, and laughter. I was glad we were able to spend time with her... I really do admire my CT.. A real gutsy woman with two kids, and looks and behaves like ten years younger than she actually is! And did I mention she's really cool?

I must have been really tired after I met Wendy in town later in the day. We had lunch at Cafe Cartel.. Ribs and lots of bread! When I came back, I downed my dinner and slouched on my papasan chair with "The Joy of Cooking" in my hands. When I woke this morning, I had the book in my arms. Did I sleep that long?

Today's Mother's Day. It will be spent with mum... Food again, what else?!

Monday, I will meet all my NIE mates again. What a joy! Chen Ying said I had put on weight... Yes, I have.. Too much good food lah! :) Well, I wonder if any of my NIE mates are in the same boat as I am! And I can't wait to exchange all the stories about our kids too!! Can't wait!!

:)

Cherishing Life

This morning, I skipped the morning assembly and stood close to Joanne in the staff room as she fought back her tears. Whilst the both of us stayed in the staff room, the whole school was listening to her story through another teacher. You see, Joanne's cousin passed away yesterday.

He was scheduled to undergo a brain operation after doctors found out that there was a growth that needed to be taken out. It was a risky procedure, but doctors were sure he would make it through, considering his youth. The operation was a success and doctors had even made arrangements to have him transferred out of ICU into the normal ward. But things took a turn for the worse within hours. He lapsed into a coma and soon was pronounced brain dead.

He was just 19 years old with a full life ahead of him. He had just completed his project at Ngee Ann Polytechnic and was presented with the Tan Kah Kee Award by his lecturer prior to his operation. In the hospital, despite his brain condition, he aspired to do something about his project, perhaps even sell the idea when he got better. He was optimistic, and enthusiastic. He was not a natural bright spark, but his perseverance and enthusiasm for learning brought him to where he was. Even before his condition turned for the worse, his last request was to sit for his exams.

Joanne asked me this morning - Why is God so unfair? Why didn't He give her cousin a chance of a longer life, to learn what he wanted? Why was his life short-changed when he had so much he could do ahead of him? Why him? She reflected on the students we teach and if only they had the same amount of enthusiasm in learning. Perhaps, they do not realise the opportunity that is presented to them all these while. Perhaps, they have failed to cherish life, and cherish what they have.

Thinking about Joanne's cousin got me reflecting on my life. Have I done enough with my life? If today would be my last day on earth, would I have done enough? Have I cherished all that I've got? Have I said my thanks enough, or have I made my peace to those I have hurt? It got me thinking that life is too short, too unpredictable for me to push things til tomorrow what I can do today. It is too much of a mystery for me to plan as though I will be able to direct life as I please.

And so, I begin to understand more fully the meaning of carpe diem, about living life to its fullest, about taking opportunities, and about cherishing life.

Like me, teachers and students of HIHS were touched in one way or another through the story of Joanne's cousin. It got them thinking, like it did me. And though his life has passed, I think he'd be glad to know that he has touched the lives of many, and will continue to do so by his example in his living years.

Think about Joanne's cousin. Then think about your life. What have you done?

Just worried

My student asked me today why my eyes looked sad. I told her it was because they had once again failed to hand in their projects. Well, that was part of the reason. I guess the other reason was that mum's at home sick.

Prior to the lesson, I called her. She was scheduled to go back to the polyclinic for a check up today. Last Friday, she scared the wits out of me when she told me that the doctor used some machine to clear her lungs as they were infected with virus. They changed the antibiotics she was on, and told her that by that night, if her breathing didn't get better, she was to get to the A & E immediately. I rushed back from school after seeking permission from my VP to leave school early. Thankfully, she got better over the weekend. But today, the congestion in the chest came back again.

My heart became heavy as mum told me that she was on the way to the hospital to get her lungs cleared up again. She told me how she slumped onto the doctors chair cos she was so weak. She said she was almost breathless. I've suffered from bronchitis once, so I fully understood how it feels being breathless. It's not a joke. She told me that they were going to take an x-ray of her chest. They made her do some breath test, and said there was "leaking".. whatever that meant!

I couldn't concentrate on marking at school. I packed my things as soon as I could, and headed home. I wanted to know if mum was OK. I was worried for her.. Did she have anything to eat? Is she OK? It didn't help that my handphone went dead, so I couldn't contact her. I was frustrated, agitated, worried... everything rolled into one. All I wanted was answers. For a moment, I wished I wasn't teaching, so that I could just take leave, accompany mum to the hospital and find out everything there is to know just to make mum well again. But I couldn't. I had to be in school.

As I reached home, I was relieved to see mum grabbing a bite. She looked weak. She was drowsy from the medication. As I pulled out the stacks of marking that I brought home to do, half my mind wished I had less one burden to carry. I recalled Uncle Joel telling me about thread cutting, about how occupations such as teaching and nursing draw the most out of an individual. I suddenly realise with mum sick, I have taken on these two roles. And for a moment, I felt overwhelmed.

Today hasn't exactly been the best school day. My Sec 3 Hope class was just rowdy and making as much noise as they could. It was only when I threatened to have their names recorded in the discipline file did they quieten down a little. Even though, when I left the class, I felt drained. It seemed that they had sapped every ounce of energy from Victor and myself. The Sec 2 class that I relieved for earlier in the day were no better. I spent the one period having a verbal battle with them on why there wasn't any PE lesson. I ended my day with my favourite Sec 4 Peace class. But by then, I was too drained to impart any inspirational thoughts to them. I wished I had done better to reach out to more of them, but I couldn't. Their noise overpowered me. I let them talk and do as they wished. It was after all my last lesson with them. Deep in me, I was reflecting if I had been a good teacher to them if anything...

As I face my piles of marking to do, and with the worries that fill my mind about my mum, I push away the thought of having ME time as soon as practicum ends. Now, all I want is for mum to get better again.

In the sun again...

Wendy and I packed our rollerblades at 8am in the morning yesterday, and by 9am, we were out of the house, heading towards the East Coast. She wanted a well-deserved break from work and her new home. I wanted a break from school and home. It was us just wanting have our moments of "ME" time, doing what we like - rollerblading by the sea, talking to each other and lazing in the sun... and oh, did I mention eat? :)

We did our usual route along the East Coast beach - up towards Fort Road, then back towards the East Coast Lagoon Food Centre where we'd always treat ourselves with big bags of thirst-quenching sugar cane juice. Yesterday, we sat at the food centre for almost an hour talking while sipping our drinks. There, Wendy poured out her frustrations. As I listened to her, I felt blessed with the way things have turned out in my life. It probably seemed as though that she was willing to trade places anytime. But it wasn't so much of the fact that she was unhappy with the way things were. It was more of the fact that she wished things were slightly different.

We headed for the beach to bask in the sun for a moment. For a while, the both of us just sat there in the sun, looking at the people around us. In the heat of the mid-day sun, a soothing cool breeze brushed us gently, almost in a comforting embrace. For a moment, the both of us thought we were back in Hawaii... well, if only..!

We couldn't resist the "chow-tah" looking pita bread as we passed by this restaurant near McDonald's. The guy at the counter was making the breads fresh from flour. We made our orders of chicken and pita bread immediately... and waited, and waited and waited and waited... and waited. When it finally came, it was probably worth the wait. The pita bread came "chow-tah" the way we liked it - and crispy on the outside, and soft and warm in the inside... Yum! It came served with an assortment of dips. We think the garlic one helped clear some impurities in our intestines!

As Wendy left to make her way to her new home, I couldn't help but noticed her down spirits again. I hope today, she'll feel better. I promised to spend the day with her. We'd go to IKEA to get some stuff for her new home, and for me, to eat the hot dog like I always do... Come to think of it, I had the same craving just last year when I was in the CDC! I remember telling Grace as I laid in the hospital bed that I was craving for the hot dog from IKEA! In any case, I rushed to complete setting my CPA paper til 3am this morning so that I could spend some time with a good old friend today... :)

Today, I hope Wendy will smile again...

:)

Thoughts of a trainee teacher...

With just a week before the end of the school practicum, I am overwhelmed with mixed emotions. On one hand, I am relieved and glad that I would have passed through 10 weeks of practicum without any major hiccups (cross my fingers and hope nothing major turns out at the last week here at HIHS!), on the other hand, I realise that my journey of a teacher has only just begun. I still have a long way to go!

I recall 10 weeks back, or even before that. I remember telling my NIE mates that I was in a way afraid of the practicum. They shared my fears. It was a fear of uncertainty, and whether or not we could handle the real life outside as a teacher. What are the kids like these days? Are all the "horror" stories we've heard true? Can we even apply anything we've learnt at NIE to the real classroom? At one moment, I was even questioning myself if I had made the right decision to leave the corporate world outside, and answer the call to touch young minds.

Today, in reflection, I don't have the answer if I've made the correct decision. It doesn't matter. Over the weeks here at HIHS, I have learnt to answer the questions I've asked before practicum. I've learnt about dealing with students, about teaching, about dealing with teachers, about meetings, about school procedures... and the works. I have had my share of ups and downs, of good days and bad days, and I've learnt to pick myself up each time I fall. I've learnt to reach out for the support of my cooperating teachers, armed with their years of experience each time I fall. They have been so supportive during my weeks here, I feel blessed.

But what I have learnt is but a fraction of what is to come. As I anticipate the full workload of a teacher in two months' time, I can't help but feel the same fear I had prior to practicum. Questions race through my mind once again. Will I....?

On a lighter note, I must say I will miss seeing the kids I've come to know over the 10 weeks. Yes, they have made or broken my day along the way, but I have learnt to own them like my own in some way. Like I have mentioned before - the very same students that make your heart ache on some days, are the very same students that make you smile on other days. In retrospect, I sometimes find myself asking, "Weren't I like that before?"

As the practicum draws to an end, I'm beginning to feel a little tired. Perhaps I have not learnt to cut the threads as well as I should - the way Uncle Joel taught me. I hope that when the new term starts, and when I become a full-fledged teacher come July, I will be recharged and re-energized again. If anything, I only want to pass positive vibes to the kids I teach. I want to motivate them, inspire them, and stretch them to their limits.

But before I do that, I'd need to recharge...

My Sec 4 Class

When I first stepped into my Sec 4 class some 8 weeks back, I recalled having to raise my voice, and setting a strict tone. I was puzzled and unsympathetic as to why the class was so small, and yet there were so many absentees. I didn't understand why instead of neat rows, the tables was arranged haphazardly. I couldn't comprehend why the boys in the class were so rowdy, choosing to talk when I wanted to say something. And that they were interested in nothing except the topic on SEX. That was 8 weeks back.

I recalled my CT saying to me - They are noisy, but they are harmless. And soon enough, I realised for myself, that they are indeed an endearing bunch. I have learnt through them, that sometimes, silence speaks more than for itself than raising one's voice. I have learnt that despite their apparent misbehaviour, they are like each and every one of us, with their own dreams and aspirations. I have learnt, that behind the boisterous mischief in class, they have a caring heart.

As the weeks went by, I got to know some of them better than others. I remember one girl in class who hopes to work in the hotel line one day, and another who hopes to pursue her dream of being in the music industry. I just found out yesterday that another aims to get into the poly and then the University, so that he can take over his father's business. Yet others had short term goals, like improving on his English, and doing well for his exams. Another is a computer guru who hopes he can make it in the IT line one day.

Simple hearts with big dreams. Dreams that make them out to be who they are. Young minds yearning for guidance, and careful moulding, so that they can fulfill these dreams. As I listened to them, and looked at them in class yesterday, my heart went out to them. If only I could do something to nudge each and every one of them closer to their dreams.

With two weeks left, I feel I don't have much time. My wish is that they will persevere in all they do, and never give up. If I could, I'd tell each and every one of them to always believe in themselves. I'd tell them to think about what they'd want to do in their lives, focus on that goal, and trace their steps towards that goal. I'd tell them that nothing can stop them except themselves.

One of them asked me over the msn yesterday why I looked sad in class. I guess all the thoughts I had in my head showed in my eyes. There's so much I want to do, but there's just so little time. If only I could cast a magic spell and touch their lives in some way somehow...

Today, during the Values Inculcation Programme, when I saw some of the guys and girls from the class participate in a tug-of-war, I felt proud of them. As they exerted their strength and pulled the thick rope just to win, I realised the fighting spirit they had in them. Despite the rope burns, and the occasional slips and falls, they still got up, and pulled harder. They didn't win in the end. But that didn't matter. They did their best, and they knew they did. Like a proud parent, I told Joanne, "See those boys? They are from my Sec 4 Peace class." Joanne probably couldn't quite comprehend why I was so proud of them. I was all smiles. It was probably because I realised that these boys had a fighting spirit in them.

If I could say something to them right now, I'd tell them - Fight on, guys, in whatever you do! Remember the tug-of-war each time you're faced with difficulties. Remember how hard you pulled, and picked yourself up each time you fell. And you gave it all, your best shot - because you believed in yourself, because you believed you could win.

Nothing's going to stop you now. The sky's the limit. One day, I know when you each have your success stories to tell, I'd say to someone else, "See those boys? They were from my Sec 4 Peace class."

:)

A wonderful weekend

It's been a while since I last enjoyed a weekend like this. Having the whole Saturday to myself was a rare treat. I had voluntarily kept myself at home to finish a whole pile of marking - and was proud of myself that I did. It has also been a while since I did my 30 laps in the pool, so it was a minor accomplishment to be able to do so finally. Plunging into the pool and just mechanically swimming enabled me to just zone out for a moment - and reflect about all that has been happening around me.

If anything, I should be thankful of the teaching experience I've had at HIHS. The students can be draining some times, but they are the very same people that make you smile at the end of the day. I think I've been blessed with good heads in the school, and very good CTs, who are not only encouraging, but understanding too. They have never failed to provide me with tricks of the trade, and teaching pedagogy. And my fellow NIE mates at HIHS have also been really nice, especially Joanne and Victor... In a way, I think Sec 3 Int have begun to change their attitude cos of what Jo said to them. I think I have to thank her for that!

Sunday was reserved for a lunch meeting at my home. It started out early with Mass, and then to NTUC to get groceries to cook lunch. I had a simple home-cooked food menu planned - nothing too fancy.

The meeting went on well and good. We brainstormed for ideas and decided on a certain look that we wanted for our project. It had to be something that identifies the whole entity - something that will flow throughout the collaterals. It was a quick meeting and LC decided that she would come up with a few designs for us to choose from... Can't wait to see it this Thursday! :)

The day went on with my other friends after LC left for her meeting at Sentosa. We spoke and talked - heart to heart. Something we haven't done for a while. Putting work aside for a moment, it was a sharing of the deepest emotions and advice. What resulted was yet another afternoon of developing the friendships between us to a deeper level.

I hadn't expected my friends to stay til close to midnight, but I was glad they did. Maybe it was the company, maybe it was the conversations, maybe it was the joy and laughter we all felt that made time pass so quickly. At the end of the day, I said my prayer and thanked the good One above for the blessings he has given me though the gift of my family and friends. Truly, if anything, I am experiencing true joy in my life now.

:)

When your students make you smile...

I think one of the greatest things a teacher can get out of all the long hours, nagging and sleepless nights of preparing for lessons, is an acknowledgement from her student that she's doing a fine job. Today, I received the one of the nicest notes in one of my student's journal. It read:

"Hello Miss Chew. I'd like to apologise for always handing in my work late and being inattentive in class sometimes. I'd like you to know that I am very very very very happy to have you as my English teacher. I'd like to thank you for always being so patient with us and not giving up hope on us, and meeting to the needs of the brats in the class. Miss Deborah Chew is the most wonderful and lovely teacher! :)"

That came from one of the "brats" in my class. He's actually a really talented guy. Has his own rock band outside in which he is a drummer. He loves to pierce his body parts, so he's got like sticks all over his face to keep the holes open during school hours.

In any case, I couldn't help but feel happy when I read that. It is one of those moments where I knew I had done something right in that class. I had noticed a change in his attitude since I first taught some 8 weeks back. Now, I can see he's making an effort to do the work he's assigned, and even influencing those around him to do the same.

Today's lesson went on well. My kids did their work, and filled up their worksheets duly. Hardly anyone surfed the net for their personal stuff. All was on task finding and reading information on the harp seals. They even came in early for class! Maybe what Joanne said to them a few days back had an impact on them. Maybe they have begun to realise that they really have been taking things for granted.

At the back of my head, my mind worries for Chen Ying. She's been sending me smses for the past few days. Things for her at her school hasn't been a bed of roses. The last I heard, her VP did not give her a favourable grade. Things got so bad that her supervisor had to come down to the schoola again. As I spoke to her yesterday, she was beginning to lose confidence in herself. I don't blame her. Her VP and CT weren't too nice with their words to her. I comforted her and told her that she will not fail. I encouraged her to believe in herself and not bother about what her VP had said. I guess it's easy for me to say. I know it's not easy for her. I hope she's feeling much better today. I hope the silver line to the cloud will show soon. She told me that only comfort she got out of the school so far, was when one student came up to her and asked her to continue teaching his class because "we prefer you to teach us".

I guess it's moments like these that encourage you, and push you to carry on, no matter how difficult it is.

Uncle Joel has been a dear correspondent and mentor in my teaching career lately. He's been sending me the nicest notes and tips on how I can deal with my students at a different level. I've yet to try out certain strategies, but I believe they will work. Also, he's been giving me advice on how I can handle my stress levels too. In the latest email I got from him, amongst all the things he wrote, I was particularly struck by a quote he got from a book. It goes, "Sometimes, when you feel you're going backwards, maybe it's because you're giving yourself space to make a running leap forward."

It struck me hard, especially over the last few days when I was pondering if I had made the right choice in going into teaching. I was beginning to feel I was getting bad at handling my Sec 3 kids. When I see my kids improving in their behaviour these days, I tell myself... maybe I have made that leap forward?

When we are discouraged by the failures that hit us, I hope it helps to know that maybe, we are just making space to make that leap forward.

:)

A load being lifted

I struggled to stay awake last night. I had two lesson observations today, both of equal importance. I tapped on my laptop as I tried to do up the lesson plan and figure out what I would be teaching for today's CPA lesson. It was way past midnight and all I could think of was sleep. I had stayed up late for the past few nights til the wee hours of the morning and the lack of sleep was taking its toll on me. I looked clearly tired, and felt thoroughly drained. Even meeting up with my favourite friends at the FHA didn't help jolt me back to the cheery smiley Deborah. I seemed to have a million and one things on my mind. Wendy said to me, "Where's my friend, Deb? Give me back my friend! Who are you?" She learns fast - That's my line to her each time she acts "non-Wendy".

I am indeed blessed. My CPA CT understood my stress. After my English lesson observation at the first two periods of the day, I rushed back to the staff room and with a guilty look, told my CPA CT that I hadn't typed out my lesson plan - and the lesson was going to be conducted, and observed in less than 2 hours' time! He told me to take my time, as long as I had something for him before the lesson.

And so, I rushed and typed and typed and went through my lesson. At 10.30am sharp, when the bell rang, I handed to him my lesson plan, and said my thanks. "You'd do fine", he said. He always says that... :)

The lesson went on well. In a way, I think my Normal Technical kids have taken a liking to me. I think the chuppa chops and chocolates did the trick. Today, one student asked me, "Cher, how come no more sweet?" I told him I'd give them sweets on my last day in school. He replied, "I thought when you leave, we are supposed to give you things, not the other way." Ha.. cute logic...

As usual, my CPA CT graded me well. He gave me pointers on how I could have improved, and said that they way I teach is similar to how he teaches... Great... Great minds think alike! :)

Earlier in the morning, my heart nearly dropped when I went to the computer lab where my English lesson would be held and found that the files for the microLESSON was not loaded up into the PCs. I had asked the lab technician to load it up yesterday afternoon. It wasn't there. I panicked. Has technology failed me again? In the middle of the value inculcation programme, I rushed to find the lab technician.. phew! Within minutes, all was settled.

The lesson went on well. My kids came in late - as usual, and got a shelling from me - as usual. I started by showing them the video of how the harp seals were mercilessly killed. That raised some emotions. Then I gave out "secret envelopes" - pictures of harp seals, both cute and white, as well as those soaked in their own blood. Those raised more emotions. At the end of half an hour, I got them stirred up enough to want to find out more information on the website about harp seals. They wanted to know why they were killed, who kills them, why were they so mercilessly killed. To see them so engaged and ethusiastic about the issue made me feel redoing all microLESSON to suit them better all worthwhile. For once, I could see them filling up the worksheets without much probing... ah... almost heaven.

Tomorrow, they will continue with their Internet reseach on harp seals. I pray and hope heaven will continue.. :)

It really feels like a heavy load has been lifted after these two observations. I have just one more to go - for CPA. Slowly, we're all counting down til 7 May. All of us trainee teachers will graduate. We will all meet once again to share our woes and joys of practicum, and to the realisation that we have three more years to go! Way to go pals! Our journey has just begun....

Feeling rejuvenated, I find my old cheery chirpy self once again.... Wendy - Deborah's back! :)

My students

I really should be doing up the worksheets that accompany the microLESSON that I created for my English class right now, but I can't help it. I need to blog!

Today started out gloomy. I wasn't feeling like the top of the world. I couldn't quite put my finger on what was bothering me. All I knew was that I was feeling a little low. Maybe it's the effects of burn out creeping in. Maybe I was just tired, both physically and mentally. As I mentally calculated the number of weeks left til 7 May, I realised that I had loads of work to be done before I can celebrate the mark of my practicum. Heavy, was how I felt.

I was glad the day began to brighten as I entered another Sec 3 class. Having some spare time after their presentations, some students decided to play with my laptop. They squealed in delight as they realised I had piano pieces of all their favourite songs.. "Eh, cher! You have Pachebel's Canon in D!" "I want to hear Somewhere over the rainbow!" "Hey, there's Forrest Gump!" The chatter went on and on as I saw my students enjoying the music. It warmed my heart to see these young minds appreciating the very best of music.

"Cher, what's Track Number 5?" It was almost coincidental, cos the student that asked me that was the very same one who told me a few weeks back that she was living her life for herself - and that meant doing whatever she could in the best way she could. "That's a song my friend wrote", I said. "It's called Living this Life for Me". I told her what the song was about and how it relates to the her. "Can I hear it?" "Sure!" I said.

I smiled as I saw her placing her ear close to the laptop's speakers so that she could hear every word of the song. She ; asked if she could buy the CD; she asked if she could have the lyrics of the song; she asked if she could have the scores of the song. It was evident that she loved the song.

As the day passed, my students touched me more and more. I didn't know what quite changed the class of Sec 3 Integrity, but one by one, they came to me to hand in their journals. Did someone say something to them?

Joanne came back from her lessons, and told me she gave Sec 3 Integrity a piece of her mind. She scolded them for taking things for granted, for taking me for granted, and for not cherishing what they had. She told me she could see remorse in their eyes. She told me she thinks they've been shaken.

I felt bad. I hadn't wanted Joanne to scold the class. Much as I was affected, I knew they didn't do it on purpose. It's just that they've yet to come to a realisation. Maybe Joanne made them realise something.

The school day ended with yet two more students coming to see me. "Ms Chew, when's your last day?" I told them I'd be here til 7 May only. "Why so early? Can you stay longer? Where will you be going after that?" I told them I'd be going back to school. "Will you come back after that?" I told them I don't know. "Come back and teach us, OK?" I smiled.

It's things like these that make staying back in school til 7pm, and staying up late til 3am doing worksheets for your students so that they'll learn all worthwhile.

Back to worksheets now!

:)

My mum

My dear mum came to my room yesterday evening after work. With a stack of letters in her hand, and cup of tea, she decided to make herself comfortable in my papasan chair. In the most animated voice, she asked, "Do you want to know what I think of all your friends that I've met?"

My mind was in a blur as that came out of nowhere. I glanced at her as if enquiring where that came from. "I'm serious." she said. "OK", I said. And so, I pulled myself away from the design work I was doing, and listened to her.

What followed for the next hour, was the best conversation I have had with my mum for a long time. I agreed with her that she never did tell me how she felt about my friends. It was only yesterday that I learnt how she felt. She said, "I think I have a gift. I can size people out very fast, and I'm usually right." She was quick to add, "But that makes me too judgemental sometimes, so I keep it to myself."

"Sounds like me", I told her. Now I know where I got it from!

Mum went on evaluating almost everyone whom she's met, and eventually told me that she never thought Adrian was the right guy for me, though she didn't want to say it. She told me that it was his loss and our gain that he decided to be with someone else instead. She didn't think Mark would be right too, although we were very close friends, and a Catholic! I was surprised. I always thought mum liked Mark... Hmmm... ?!

In between, we talked about the past, the present, and the future. We talked about our worries and my brother. We talked about her friend's children, and about how she feels so strongly for young adults and the elderly. As we spoke, I realised whom I learnt about unconditional giving from. I learnt and re-learnt about positivity, and about compassion. I also learnt that mum and I were more similar in thinking than I had thought.

Mum ended off the conversation by telling me that she's been praying very hard for me. And that my Godma has been praying hard too. In fact, Godma added that if only she had another son, she'd make him marry me! Pris - that's Leo's mum for you! Can you imagine? Singing St Pat's school song at my wedding??!! No...!! :)

I asked mum why the sudden evaluations. She told me she was touched by what one of my friends said to her on that Easter sunday. It was something different, and it got her thinking. She told me, "I think you've found a really good friend."

I smiled as I heard that. I think I did too. Thanks, mum!

:)

Picking up again

I thank God that I have a strong support of friends I know I can count on when students suck the last drop of energy from me. You know who you are - thanks for the listening ear, the encouraging words, the empathy, the words of wisdom across the seas, the smses. I really appreciate all of it! I really don't know what I'd do if not for your encouragement.

Perhaps the week that had passed wasn't the best for a while. Somehow, everything that could go wrong went wrong. But instead of playing the blaming game, I'd rather see things in a positive light.

As I knelt down in prayer at Mass just a few hours ago, I began to reflect all that has happened. And with the belief that all things happen for a reason, I began to explain to myself why things happened the way it happened. Humility was the word that came out. Yes, I have been humbled. Perhaps, I had forgotten that about others when my plate was full. I was having a good time teaching so far. Perhaps, I hadn't empathised enough with my fellow NIE classmates, who weren't having so much a ball of a time. Perhaps I wasn't appreciative of the fact that I had a great working environment, and that my co-operating teachers are God-sent.

I thought I had it all figured out. This is the way you deal with kids, I'd say. This is the way you have to plan the lesson, I'd say. This is the way this and that should be done, I'd say. It was as if I knew everything. Well, apparently not. What had happened last week only proved to me that my teaching journey had just begun. It taught me that I have so much more to learn. It showed me that what works on one day need not necessarily work always. And so, I was humbled.

Closer to home, I realised and began to fully understand how my brother had been feeling on his low days for the past six years as a teacher. I had always thought he was exaggerating when he shared with me about the frustrations of teaching students these days. I didn't understand why he was so tired at the end of the day, as if all the energy had been sucked out of him. Now, I finally do.

Tomorrow, I will teach my Sec 3 Integrity class for one period, during which my CT will not only observe me, but the class as well. She will take note of the trouble makers and we'd sit down to discuss who to weed out from the class. Evil plan, but I think it'd work. It is so not me to punish, but I guess I have to learn to do it, and not think too much about it.

I'm picking up again... And counting down til 7 May!

:)

I cried

Yes, I cried in school today. Not in front of my class, but after. As I slumped into the chair in the staff room, I couldn't help but feel frustrated.

Once again, all my elaborate planning to get my students engaged during lessons came to nought. I felt helpless. I felt frustrated. I felt angry and I began to be self-blaming. I wondered what I could do, or what I have not done, to be able to control these kids. As I could see it, they were already beginning to take advantage of me. It didn't feel good that it was just the start of the day, and I felt rock bottom, all because my students failed to behave in class.

I couldn't tie up my lesson because most of the time, I was trying to discipline them, getting them to do the task assigned. It made me feel as though the one hour that had just passed came to nothing. What did they learn at the end of the day?

As I thought through what had just happened, I couldn't help but cry. I asked and asked, but there didn't seem to be an answer. I felt that instead of improving with more teaching experience, I felt myself just getting worse at controlling the class. What did I do? What did I not do? What's wrong?

As tears flowed uncontrollably down my cheeks, I walked my way to the grotto of the school where the statue of Our Lady was placed. In the silence of my heart, I said what I needed to say. I asked questions, and said a prayer for God to give me patience and perseverance.

Wendy was a real comfort as I spoke with her about the bad start to the day. I wondered how the rest of the day will be.

Somehow, my English CT heard about the bad start to my day. She grabbed her wallet and asked me if I were free for a chat. And so we did - out of the school's ground, into one of the nearby coffeeshops, where we discussed the problems of the class and what we could do. Over coffee and MILO-ping, we came up with an evil plan to split the class up such that only those who are not disruptive and show eagerness in learning can continue to attend my lessons. I can then continue to teach those who are motivated to learn.

After that, I bumped into my CPA CT who gave me yet more tips on teaching. Before he left he said, "Don't worry lah.. you can do it."

I came back to the staff room feeling like a load has been lifted from my heart since the English class ended. It helped to know that my CTs are so supportive. I received an SMS from a friend "Hang on there. The day will be better!" it read.

Yes, it is beginning to get better.

Tonight, I will listen to Uncle Joel - cut the threads. I will enjoy my weekend after I'm done with the PED 516 assignment that's due tomorrow. Rollerblading with Wendy's on the list... and yes, I can't wait to enjoy the beach once again!

As of now, I take a deep breath and gather all the positivity in me once again. It takes time, I know. But I look forward to the day where I will look at my Sec 3 Integrity students and pat myself on my back, because I had made a difference in their lives.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

:)

I almost cried in class

I promised myself when I started teaching that I will never cry in class. Well, today, I almost broke that promise.

Today was the first day I saw my Sec 3 Integrity class after their camp. Much as Joanne had told me that there's no change in their attitude after the camp, I chose to think otherwise. And so, with printed worksheets and my trusty picnic basket of chocolates and chuppa chops, I entered the class with a smile. It was great seeing the familiar faces I've grown accustomed to over the weeks.

I let them cheer their class cheer which they had learnt at the camp. I asked them for a silent clap, and they responded. Some wondered how I was in the know of their camp activities. They decided to welcome me with a sexy clap, followed by the sotong clap. It humoured them, it made them laugh, and to see the joy in their faces made me feel happy they were back. Maybe Joanne was wrong. Maybe they had changed.

After distributing the chocolates and chuppa chops, I could see the delight in their faces. I'm going to have a good class today, I told myself. And so, I continued with the lesson proper. I asked them to whisk out their Marine Parks article and went through with them the structure of an argumentative essay again. I distributed the first worksheet, and I could see a few bodies beginning to slump on their tables. As I spoke and explained, I felt I was losing the class again. Joanne was right. They have not changed.

As I explained and re-explained, and guided them through the worksheets, I struggled with deciding whether to continue the lesson as planned - give out the rest of the worksheets, explain more and make them hand it all in at the end of the lesson - or to stop and walk out of the class. In a way, I felt like giving up.

I didn't do either. I put the worksheet down and I looked at them. I asked them - Can I share with you thoughts from a teacher? They looked puzzled. I asked again - Can I share some of my personal thoughts with you? They nodded. I tried to hold back my tears when I began speaking. I don't know if it was out of frustration, or was it because it pained my heart to see all of them so aimless in their lives.

I began my story, and told them that I had stayed up til 2.30am last night, just to do worksheets for them so that they will understand. I told them that I didn't understand why they reacted the way they did. I told them I thought I'd see a different class when I came in today. I told them I chose not to believe other teachers when they told me Sec 3 Integrity did not change. I told them that while other teachers have told me that this is a "challenging" class, I chose to see the potential in each and every one of them. I told them I wanted so badly to teach them so that they would learn. I told them that I was not there just to perform my role, but to ensure that they learn. I told them that I walk out of the class every time, wondering how I can motivate this class, and I have yet to find the answer. Then I asked them - Can you give me that answer? Tell me - what do you want out of the class? What do you want to learn? What makes you more interested? Do you hate English? Or do you hate the teacher? What is it?

I told them I was not there to work against them, but with them. So they will have to work with me too, to let me know what works and what doesn't work for them.

For a moment, I think they were wondering if I was scolding them. I wasn't. Once again, I held back my tears as I told them how I cared for each and every one of them, that I felt there was so much more they could be doing. "I see little stars shining in the classroom, some brighter than others. But instead of polishing your stars til they shine bright, why do you choose to overshadow each other?"

I felt there was no point in the lesson going on. I was not up to it. They were not up to it. Marine Parks was boring them as much as it was boring me. I asked them to take out a sheet of paper, and on it, write all their thoughts - why do I hate English? What do I want out of the English lesson? Why do I not hand in my work? Why do I not pay attention in class? If I had a dream English teacher, what would he or she be like? How do I want English lessons to be conducted?

As I went on with question after question, I could see my Sec 3 Integrity kids filling up their foolscap sheets. They wrote and wrote and wrote. It was as if it was their form of release. It was as if for once, a teacher was listening to them.

I left them to write while I called out a few students individually who had not submitted their work. I told one of them who wrote in his journal that he aims to get into a JC - I want to see you get there, I know you can. Come to me if you need help, ok? He nodded. I could see from his facial expression that he was touched. Well, at least I have one starfish thrown into the sea today...

I collected all 36 sheets of paper when the bell rang. I thanked them for their frank comments and told them that hopefully, I would be able to engage them with my lesson tomorrow. I had mentally thrown out everything I had planned for them to do already. My mind was in a blank. I don't know what to teach tomorrow - and my cooperating teacher is going to observe my class tomorrow.

With a heavy heart, I flipped through their response. It made me smile and cry at the same time. One of them wrote, "English lesson is the best and having you as a teacher rocks!" Another wrote, "As for my dream teacher, you are my dream teacher already!" Most of them apologised for their lack of attention in class and for not handing in their work, while some gave good feedback on how they'd like lessons to be conducted. I hadn't realised that my lessons with them fell at the most awkward time slots that made them sleepy. Today's was right smack in the hot afternoon and after their PE lesson (which made them even hotter), and the other two lessons I have with them are first thing in the morning. They said all these made them sleepy. They asked for more games and group work and encouraged me. They thanked me for being so patient with them despite their behaviour.

In retrospect, maybe whatever happened today was for a reason. It helped me realise how I could improve on my lesson from a student's point of view. It didn't matter if my CTs or supervisor gave me strings of As. If my students didn't like the lesson, they would not have learnt. It challenged me to think harder on what I can do to engage them and at the same time meet the requirements of the curriculum. My mind is still in a blank, but I am encouraged. Today, I realised that I had perhaps thrown more starfish into the sea than I had imagined. It's just that they keep swimming back to shore. What I need to do is to throw further to make that difference.

Today, the very students that discouraged me are the very ones that have encouraged me. And for that, I am thankful.

All went well

Finally - I'm done with my two formal lesson observations with my NIE supervisor. What a relief! When my supervisor gave me the APT form, it didn't matter to me what grade I got. I was on a high that I managed to engage the class. They were intrigued by the picnic basket I brought to class. "Cher, we going picnic ah?" "What's inside?"

I had brought a whole basket of chuppa chops, and chocolates for all my Sec 3 kids. It was my way of welcoming them back after their one week break. Guess in a way, I missed them. The lesson went on well as I highlighted important points on the functions of MS Access. I guess it helped that my CPA CT was around. He was all in support of me. He told me "Don't worry, I'll help you." I was glad he was there through it all, giving me little signals and hints of what to do.. and to think he was observing me too!

The day was a hectic one. I hardly sat on my chair. My table was filled with papers, worksheets and files. By the time I ended my last debrief with my English CT, it was 4pm. Hungry and sleepy, I decided to head home, thinking I'd sleep. But til now, I haven't even caught a wink!

I have hardly had enough sleep. Friends came over to my home yesterday, celebrating Easter with a feast of laksa and popiah - thanks to mum. It was a whole day of feasting starting with breakfast with my uncle, lunch with a few other friends and my cousin and her husband, then dinner with yet more friends! Wendy brought her godiva cocoa powder covered tiramisu, which was a hit! Thanks, Wendy... so, our theory's right after all, huh? *wink*

We ended the night with chocolate fondue laced with Baileys! Yummmmmmm...... For a while, all of us wished it wasn't Sunday. I almost forgot I had a formal observation today!

As always, it is always a joy for me to be with my friends, and feed them! Pris said she was so full she had to roll from the kitchen to the living room! If only Lee Yee and Keith could come.... I found it a great joy baking the brownies and sugee cake and assembling the salads and dips... Guess it took my mind off school for a while!

Thanks my friends for spending Easter with me - and for being so much part of my life.

:)

Meeting up again...

I had a good day yesterday.

Despite more surprise emails from my NIE supervisor that he wanted to see by Monday, all the detailed lesson plans for all the lessons I had taught, and that one of the students in a Sec One class that I relieved for shouted "Kiss my ass" when I was writing on the whiteboard, everything after that made the day.

I met up with my friends whom I've known for the longest time - since Primary One. Pris, Lee Yee and I hogged yet another table at Starbucks in Tampines, ordered three big cups of tea, and three cups of hot water, a brownie, and a chocolate biscotti and sat and talked close to midnight. Pris smuggled in a bag of nachos which we wiped out too. :)

It has been a while since we met up, so it was good catching up on each others' lives, knowing the plans we have in store, what we'd like to do in the future and all the latest gossips. Pris and I exchanged teacher stories while Lee Yee listened with amusement. And when all was said, we came to the conclusion that we too were once like the students I now teach. It's a phase we all go through in different intensities, I guess. Whilst Pris marvelled at how I could handle Secondary school kids, I was amazed at how she could handle her little Primary school terrors.

It amazes me that despite the fact that each of us are leading our own lives, we still keep in touch and are very much part of each others' lives. We learn from each other and share in each others' worries and happiness. And thinking that our friendship dates back to the days where ice popsicles and kacang puteh costs only 10 cents, I find it all very heart-warming. We've come so far and yet we've still have a whole journey ahead of us. It's comforting to know that I am not alone in this journey. I can always count on these, my friends. Thanks, pals! :)

I have developed a habit of writing poems whenever I can, especially whilst waiting. And in the process, it triggered one of my childhood dreams to write cards like those from Hallmark. Here's one I wrote yesterday whilst waiting for Pris and Lee Yee...

Sharing in your happiness

A smile edged across your face
Lets me know that everything's better
It makes my heart warmer; it feels lighter.
It is probably also a reflection
Of how you are feeling right now.
And I am glad that I'm one of the first to see
That delight in your eyes
And the joy you are feeling
Knowing that things are going well for you.

The storm is over
And a rainbow has come forth
As the sun peeps through the sky
You and I know
That a new day's begun
And I celebrate that new beginning with you
I share in your happiness
Because nothing matters more to me
Than to see you truly happy.

- Deborah Anne Chew

What tomorrow brings

I can never tell what tomorrow may bring, but I can appreciate all I have today, and thank God for all that He's given me - every single thing.

I was inspired to write this poem when I reflected on all that has been happening to me for the past few months. If anything, I think I am living a mystery and a miracle. And if anything, I am thankful and looking forward to His grand plans, whatever it may be. All I ask for as always, is the strength to undertake what's to come, and patience to let His plan be revealed to me in its full goodness.

Hope you enjoy this poem. It holds a special meaning for me, and is one of my personal favourites...

Tomorrow

If what I see today
Is an indication of what is to come
Then I'd be enjoying the moment
And looking forward to the day
Where tomorrow will reveal itself
Into something beautiful -
Something that I've been dreaming of
Almost all my life.

And when that day comes
I will know
That the wait was worth every single minute
The journey, worth every single step
Because I will never experience
The best thing that I have found
If I had chosen
To walk any other way.

- Deborah Anne Chew

Little Sec One Angels...

I started the day with a vision in my head. A vision that the day will be a fulfilling one. One that will leave me smiling and rejuvenated again. One that will reconfirm my conviction that I have chosen the right path - to teach.

I knew my day will be occupied with piles of marking which I had accumulated since last week. With the Sec 3 teachers away at the camp, I knew I'd have to relief a few classes. I just wondered which.

Sec 1 Charity. I read the slip of paper with my name on it. I had been assigned to take the first two periods of the day for that class. I quickly searched the materials I had on my desk. I decided I'd make them do either the Nuclear Activity, or the Cartoon Activity. Quickly, I made sets of materials, and planned out a lesson in my head. I think I'm beginning to get good at this.

I entered the class with anticipation. My class looked at me with anticipation. As they stood behind their desks, I took out my trusty marker and wrote my name on the whiteboard. "Good Morning, Ms Chew" followed.

The class settled down into chatter amongst themselves. On the board again, I wrote the word in big bold capital letters "SILENCE". "Shhhhhh...." came forth in reply. Then, silence. I smiled and continued writing, "What do you want to do today?" "Listen to ghost stories" was their unanimous reply.

I gathered them in front of the classroom, switched off some lights. They closed the doors and shutters of the windows. With earnest eyes, they kept silent and looked at me as I enthralled them with real life ghost stories I encountered since my working days at Raffles Hotel.

I soon found myself telling them about my experience at the CDC during the SARS period. They asked and enquired, "What was the food like? what did you eat? what did you eat for breakfast?"

It wasn't before long that the bell rang, which signalled the end of the stories. I ended off the class recommending them to read the three books by Dave Peltzer - A Child called It, The Lost Boy, and A Man Called Dave.

As I prepared myself to walk out of the classroom, I thanked the class. And the reply from them warmed my heart and made me smile. "Thank you, and God Bless You, Miss Chew!" They smiled as they said that, as though thankful that I had shared a part of me with them. "God Bless you too!" I said, and left the class with a sense of joy in my heart.

It may have been a rehearsed reply that they say to every teacher that leaves the classroom, but for me, it was extra special. It was a sign for me, reminding me that despite it all, the frustrations, the stress and students getting on my nerves, at the end of the day, these are the very same young minds that make teaching all so fulfilling.

Today, I am reminded of my vision of being the best teacher I can be, one that inspires, motivates and touch lives.

Silence speaks a thousand words

I had the best class with my Sec 4 Acad students today. They are the bunch of students whose favourite topic is none other than sex. As I entered the class, they were just being themselves - noisy and all over the place. Somehow, I felt that after three lessons, they have gotten used to me. They have stopped asking where my CT was, and why she didn't come teach them anymore.

In my previous lesson, I had reminded them to bring their project materials - which as I have anticipated, they did not. I just didn't feel like shouting at the class, or raising my voice. And so, once again, I did the unexpected. I started writing on the board - sentence after sentence of what I would have said. I wrote..

"Did you bring your project materials?" Then, I turned and looked at them. Shouts of yes and nos came across. I continued writing, "So, what do you want to do?" Once again, shouts of "I want to go to the library do research" and "Sleep" came forth. I continued writing. "We will not go anywhere until you have followed these instructions." The class fell silent. They looked intently as I wrote more on the board without saying a word.

1. Take out a sheet of writing paper.

I turned and looked. Almost everyone took out their foolscap paper. Then they looked at me. I noticed two guys in the corner who refused to do so. Then I wrote:

"We will not continue with the lesson unless everyone follows the instructions." Then I turned around and pointed to the two guys who were having their own conversation. Almost the whole class pressured the two guys to follow suit. They had no choice. It wasn't before long that I got the whole class to "listen" to me. I continued...

2. Take out a pen (any colour).

3. Uncap the pen, or click it such that you can use it to write.

4. Now, write your name, index number, class and date on the paper.

5. Next, write this: After my visit to the Old Folks' Hoime, I felt....

6. (This is where you start thinking... no need to talk). Then, I drew a happy face with a thinking cloud. In it, I drew a light bulb, and labelled the happy face "ME".

After each step, I turned periodically to look at them. Only when they finish the previous step did I begin on a new step. All these while, my students were for once, quiet and reading my instructions and following every single step. If they had any quesiton, I answered them with words and pictures on the whiteboard. I even used msn icons to add facial expressions that I could not conjure up.

They wondered why I wasn't talking. "Cher, you sick ah? You lost your voice issit? Talk to us leh!" And all I did was smile and gestured and played with facial expressions.

I continued writing on the board.

7. Fill up your sheet of paper with your thoughts.

8. Only when you fill up your sheet of paper do we then discuss what to do with the extra time.

Something magical must have happened because for a moment, I saw everyone scribbling on their paper. The class was for once silent. No talking, no pushing and shoving, no Mandarin, no Hokkien. I smiled to myself. How in the world did I come up with such a strategy!!??!!

For some reason, each and every one of them became motivated to fill in that sheet of paper. I didn't have to scream. I didn't have to shout. I didn't have to go from person to person nagging at them to complete the worksheet like I had done for the past three weeks. When they finished their written pieces, they came up to me and handed their work to me. They then sat down and helped their classmates that hadn't completed their work.

The bell rang just when almost the whole class finished their work. When some of them got a little noisy, all I did was to point to the word "SILENCE" which I wrote on the board. And they "Shhhhh" each other.

I smiled as I ended the class. I wrote on the board "Thank you class", and they replied. When I finally spoke, I told them "see you next week with your project materials!" "Wah!!! Ms Chew got voice already!!".

I went back to the staff room feeling high. Somehow, I knew I had won them over. I have begun to love this class, the class that used to drain me dry cos I'd be competing with their noise level most of the time. Today, I didn't have to exert my voice at all. I spoke personally to the two problematic boys and realised their love for computer games. I talked to them about how they can pursue their interest in computers but they will have to study hard first. Soon, we were talking about how they can improve their English and what they'd like to be in the future.

It got me thinking - sometimes, silence does speak a thousand words... and the effect is much greater too! Once again, the unexpected worked...! Yes, it even surprised me!

:)

Reconnecting with old friends...

Yesterday, I found myself soaking in the sun and the sea again. This time, it's with Wendy. After two hours worth of rollerblading by the sea (not to mention two unglam falls that left me bruised), Wendy was proud of me that I had improved tremendously in my rollerblading skills. :) I was just gliding on. Strips, humps and uneven terrain don't scare me anymore!

After that, we headed for the sea! Soaking in the salt water and enjoying the massage of the sea waves felt invigorating. I felt myself leaving what was troubling me behind, letting the waves wash it all away.

The day went on with me and Wendy heading down town with our beach gear and rollerblades. The two hours' worth of rollerblading must have burnt quite a lot of calories cos between the both of us, we ate three person's worth of food... excluding dessert! And to think that when both of us headed home, we ate yet more!

We headed home after that, feeling tired. We could barely keep our eyes open. But there were smiles on our faces. It has been a while since the both of us enjoyed the whole day together. The beach brought back fond memories of the holiday we had in Hawaii two years back. We agreed we should do this more often... :)

The night before, we had spent the evening catching up over fish and chips, chunks of meat, lots of bread and a sinful slice of chocolate cake at Cafe Cartel. We sat through the remaining of the evening at Starbucks over camomile tea and iced latte. We must have had tonnes to talk about as before we knew it, it was past midnight. Then, Grace called to say she was coming over to meet us. I continued the night talking to Grace in her car after she sent Wendy home. It was close to 3am before I reached home.

It felt good reconnecting with Grace and Wendy again. Although we kept in touch ever so often over the phone, it has been a while since I had spent time with them. We were each busy with our own lives that we hardly had time to meet up and just enjoy the day. I felt bad that I could not attend Wendy's ROM cos I was teaching, and didn't quite plan a party for Grace's birthday cos I was too busy finishing up lesson plans. And so, the past two days were indeed a treat.

Lee Yee and I met over msn yesterday. It was good to hear from her that Keith's fever has gone down, but the rashes are still there. Hopefully, he'd fully recover so that his poor mummy can get some rest. She also updated me on the diploma course she's going to take up, and we made tentative plans to meet up later this week with Pris. Can't wait for that! It's been a while...

I am glad that I still kept in touch with my closest friends. These friendships, built over time, are the pillars of strength as I proceed through life's journey. Like wine, the friendships get even better with age. It has matured, and what's resulting is extraordinary - and nobody throws out extraordinary wines... Naturally, I guard them with my soul, and in the depths of my heart, I thank God for them. You know who you are - thanks for caring, and sharing more than a part of you to make our friendship a beautiful one!

As I go along life's journey, I know I will build more pillars of strength, collect more varieties of wine. But I will never forget you, my friends - and all the precious moments we've shared. I will not be who I am if not for you... Thanks, pals!

:)

Walking by your side

I was inspired to write this poem when I thought about what I could do to inspire and motivate those around me - my friends, family and students.

Life's journey is never predictable. In the pursuit of my goals, in my quest for reaching my dreams, I realise that obstacles bring me down and zaps the energy out of me. During these times, I am thankful for those around me for giving me comfort of a short rest, a shoulder to cry on, a push of encouragement - and that gets me going. In return, I'd like to do the same to those around me too as they proceed on life's long journey.

To you who had given me the spark of life, ignited my passion, and set my soul aflame with enthusiasm and positivity, this is for you. Let us share the fire when the wind attempts to blow the flame of our dreams out..! :)

Walking by your side
What can I do to make you smile?
To see that delight in your eyes
The excitement; the passion
That reflects what you're feeling inside?

What can I do for a while?
To know that you're doing fine
Taking baby steps towards your goal
That you've been holding back for so long?

What can I say to make you feel?
The warmth of love of those around you
From people you thought you never knew
Yet they've kept you close to their hearts?

What can I write to touch your soul?
To reach out to you; to bring you joy
Filling your world with rays of hope
As you persevere through life's journey?

What can I do?
What can I say?
What can I write?
To let you know that no matter what
I will always be walking by your side.

Deborah Anne Chew

Here's another poem I wrote while waiting for Chris last week. I was inspired by all the hard work we trainee teachers put in as we prepare ourselves for the real word of teaching... You'd certainly identify with the words in it! Hang in there, pals!! You are not alone!

Thoughts of a teacher

The lesson has been planned
After sleepless nights over paper and pen
Materials prepared, worksheets typed
Methods are new, not tested nor tried.

Schema knowledge; Scaffolding
Classroom management and discipline
We teach the how and not the what
Engaging students right from the start.
Factors we consider, making teaching an art.

We enter the classroom with anxious anticipation
Wondering if we'd be greeted with equal enthusiasm
Will pupils take to the lesson as planned?
Will they learn? Will they understand?

Our hard work executed; our students respond
The look in their eyes tell us we have won
Their attention we've gained, the concepts they've got
They have learnt what is right, and realized what is not.

We leave the class at the ring of the bell
How ecstatic we are, no one can tell
Smiles on our faces; we feel thrilled
A sense of achievement, we are fulfilled.

Thoughts of a teacher at lessons' end
Tomorrow we'll mull over the process all over again.
But for today, we take courage and pride
Of the students we teach, and the joy we feel inside.

Deborah Anne Chew

What gives?

I am back early for once! I told myself I'll leave the school early, and give myself a well-deserved break. I had been having less than three hours' sleep for the past few days, preparing lesson plans and materials. This morning, I woke up with materials ready for my English lesson, but not my lesson plan for the CPA lesson observation. I was too tired to think of what I could do to make kids learn MS Access better. In the end, I spoke with my CT who readily agreed to postpone the lesson observation. He could see that I was really drained, and it didn't help that I had also come down with a bad migraine. "You ok? You want me to take over the class for you?" Haiz... so nice :)

I should be happy, but I've come back not only tired, but affected by my students. Uncle Joel had warned me not to let my students affect me. He has warned me that given my giving character, I will be emotionally drained soon if I don't manage it well. I've tried, but it's tough. I have begun to fully understand when parents say "It pains me to scold you."

I walked into my English class feeling really tired. I tried not to let my lack of sleep affect me, but my students seemed equally jaded, tired, unmotivated. Perhaps it's because my English lesson fell on the first two periods of the morning. Maybe they have not fully awaken yet. Whatever it was, I found myself agitated as I saw almost a third of the class slumped into classroom slumber. Was it me? Or were they really tired?

Soon, I found myself giving them a pep talk. The whole class was silent - perhaps in quiet defiance. Some had decided to switch off. It didn't matter that I went to them to wake them up. They got up, and slumped back into sleep when I walked away. I continued. I made them do the stand up and reach out as high up as you can thing I did with my other Sec 3 class. But I was disappointed this time. Nobody reached out. Some didn't even want to raise their hands. I even stood on the chair to show how I could reach higher. They looked at me, probably wondering why this young crazy teacher was standing on the chair on a Thursday morning.

Whatever it was, I made my point. I asked them - Are you giving your best? Do you want to give your best? No response.

I continued on with my lesson. In stark contrast to yesterday, today's class fell into a deep silence as I spoke. They did the work I told them to, but a handful of them just went back to sleep. I tried to contain my anger, my frustration. The sleep I had sacrificed doing up the worksheets just so that they could understand better didn't seem worth it. At one point, I asked myself, "Why bother?"

I left the class telling my students that they had to stay back after school for their bad behaviour - sleeping in class. They argued. I told them I didn't care. They grumbled. I always told myself, if the classroom is a stage, then I am the actress. And actress I did become. With a straight face, I told them - "I hope you remember everything I said today because I mean every single word of it... except... (silence).... that you have to stay back - Happy April Fool's Day!"

I didn't stay long enough to get their expressions, but from what I heard, I think I made some smile at themselves. I would have wanted to make more smile, perhaps laugh. I don't know what I could have done to make a bigger difference in their lives today. And I ask myself the same question I asked them - Did I give my best? As I slumped into my chair back in the staff room, I wondered what I could do to make these kids all motivated again? Why was it that I can grab their attention on one day, and not the next? What gives? Me? Them?

It helped speaking with my CT about the class. She told me not to take things to hard. They were perhaps tired preparing for the camp. In retrospect, perhaps I should have been more empathetic? I left school with the faces of my students in my mind, listless, unmotivated and totally uninterested. On the other side, I picture happy, excited faces filled with energy. I ask myself, what can I do to make them all have these happy faces?

As I take a break from them for a week cos they'd be at Malaysia for their camp, it is perhaps a good time for me to reflect and brainstorm how else I can reach out to them. At the same time, I say a little prayer for all of them.

Today, I may not have thrown any starfish into the sea, but at least I was combing the beach...