Just worried

My student asked me today why my eyes looked sad. I told her it was because they had once again failed to hand in their projects. Well, that was part of the reason. I guess the other reason was that mum's at home sick.

Prior to the lesson, I called her. She was scheduled to go back to the polyclinic for a check up today. Last Friday, she scared the wits out of me when she told me that the doctor used some machine to clear her lungs as they were infected with virus. They changed the antibiotics she was on, and told her that by that night, if her breathing didn't get better, she was to get to the A & E immediately. I rushed back from school after seeking permission from my VP to leave school early. Thankfully, she got better over the weekend. But today, the congestion in the chest came back again.

My heart became heavy as mum told me that she was on the way to the hospital to get her lungs cleared up again. She told me how she slumped onto the doctors chair cos she was so weak. She said she was almost breathless. I've suffered from bronchitis once, so I fully understood how it feels being breathless. It's not a joke. She told me that they were going to take an x-ray of her chest. They made her do some breath test, and said there was "leaking".. whatever that meant!

I couldn't concentrate on marking at school. I packed my things as soon as I could, and headed home. I wanted to know if mum was OK. I was worried for her.. Did she have anything to eat? Is she OK? It didn't help that my handphone went dead, so I couldn't contact her. I was frustrated, agitated, worried... everything rolled into one. All I wanted was answers. For a moment, I wished I wasn't teaching, so that I could just take leave, accompany mum to the hospital and find out everything there is to know just to make mum well again. But I couldn't. I had to be in school.

As I reached home, I was relieved to see mum grabbing a bite. She looked weak. She was drowsy from the medication. As I pulled out the stacks of marking that I brought home to do, half my mind wished I had less one burden to carry. I recalled Uncle Joel telling me about thread cutting, about how occupations such as teaching and nursing draw the most out of an individual. I suddenly realise with mum sick, I have taken on these two roles. And for a moment, I felt overwhelmed.

Today hasn't exactly been the best school day. My Sec 3 Hope class was just rowdy and making as much noise as they could. It was only when I threatened to have their names recorded in the discipline file did they quieten down a little. Even though, when I left the class, I felt drained. It seemed that they had sapped every ounce of energy from Victor and myself. The Sec 2 class that I relieved for earlier in the day were no better. I spent the one period having a verbal battle with them on why there wasn't any PE lesson. I ended my day with my favourite Sec 4 Peace class. But by then, I was too drained to impart any inspirational thoughts to them. I wished I had done better to reach out to more of them, but I couldn't. Their noise overpowered me. I let them talk and do as they wished. It was after all my last lesson with them. Deep in me, I was reflecting if I had been a good teacher to them if anything...

As I face my piles of marking to do, and with the worries that fill my mind about my mum, I push away the thought of having ME time as soon as practicum ends. Now, all I want is for mum to get better again.