#42

#42 - that's where I'd be sitting in the staff room of the spanking new school premises of HIHS at Punggol. I was beginning to get jaded with teaching (God forbid - I have 3 more years!), and so I was glad that the school visit rejuvenated the drive in me to want to teach again.

I met some of my students when I went back to school on Saturday, and was greeted with smiles and cheers when some of them found out that I would be back to teach them. Hmmmm... looks like the hard work in developing the rapport didn't go to waste after all!

Frankly, deep in me, all I wanted was for them to grow up to be responsible adults. Simply stated, but it means a whole lot of things. Being responsible means being accountable for everything that I choose to do. And that means accepting whatever consequences that come my way as a result of the choices I make. Being responsible also means taking into consideration how my actions affect those around me. It's about being self-aware, but not self-centred.

Met up with Wendy and Pris on Saturday too. Had a nice long chat with Pris. As always, each time we meet, there's so much to talk about, we could just go on and on. Thanks, Pris for the unconditional support in what I'm doing. And for always being there. And now we know, don't order the Otak Bruschetta when we go to Coffee Club! :)

Today has been a fulfilling day. Glad I managed to spend time with my brother today at Mass. And I managed to speak to Justin about pursuing his singing... I've always loved it when he sang at Mass. It was my wish back then that I could see him do something about his singing. And now that I can do something about it, I'm glad I took the courage to go up to him and speak to him about it. And he was excited about it! I can't wait to see how he can be developed!!

Bonding time with close friends again after that. I've learnt today, that No. 49 on the Crytal Jade menu is my comfort food... Sliced Fish and sliced Beef Congee. I've never felt so satisfied downing a whole bowl of congee for such a long time! Food always bring people together...

Tomorrow marks the first official school holiday for me. I will enjoy the next three weeks while it lasts...

:)

My Back Again...

It's been a week since I had that acute pain in the back. Today, I had to go back to the hospital for a check up. They told me I had a slight slipped disc. Not to worry, they said, since I could still walk. I'd be in trouble if I had begun to lose my senses.

And so, they sent me off to physiotherapy. There, I was put on a traction machine that will help align my bone back, and some heat treatment to ease the pain. I have begun to feel a sore pain down the right side of my leg. According to the doctor, that meant that some bone is probably pressing onto some nerves, causing the pain. If the pain spreads up to my hands, it could mean that my spinal chord somehow has also been affected. Hopefully not...

In the meantime, I am not supposed to do any form of vigourous exercise. I even have an MC to prove it. Thankfully, I can still swim. :) I'd have to get back to the hospital on a weekly basis for physiotherapy. Of course, the doctor also sent me home with a bunch of painkillers and some gel that's supposed to ease the pain. It's all still in the bag. Don't believe in the painkillers - they just ease the pain, but it doesn't solve the problem.

Besides that, I'm all OK... Have been on a high, actually. Can't really comprehend why, but I love it when I have all this energy to infect people around me to make them smile! :)

Tomorrow, I'd be conducting cooking classes for a few of my NIE mates. On the menu - brownies, banana bread, oatmeal cookies and pesto pasta.

But for tonight, I will enjoy it while it lasts. Thinking about the things I'd be doing in the future gives me a tingling sensation of excitement, anticipation, yet sometimes fear. With the challenges that await me, I see myself charging ahead with all the courage I can gather. Sure, I'd be battered, beaten and worn out again. But I know at the end of it all, I'd come out all stronger and wiser. With that, what's there to lose?

:)

The sinseh shop

For the first time in my life, I stepped into a sinseh shop - all by myself. Undaunted by the fact that I could well be spoken to in a language I am weak in, I made my way to this shop in Redhill which friends had recommended. I was proud of myself that I found the shop without much searching.

I was right. The plump lady there spoke to me in Mandarin. She asked me if it was my first time there. I nodded. She asked if I had a back problem. I nodded - how did she know? After a while, she signalled to me to write my name in Mandarin on a registration card... Wow.. that sure has been a while since I last did that!

And so, after about an hours' wait, I was called in. She pressed and poked and asked if it was painful. I said yes and no... Then she asked me to go into another room where she asked me to lie down. There, she kneaded me like bread dough.

Now, I smell like eucalyptus. I am bruised. The pain is still there, but it was a good rub. I'd probably go back there on Saturday for a follow up session. Besides, it'd be a good Mandarin revision lesson too! :P

Had a good time with my NIE classmates today at school. I'm so gonna miss them! Stay in touch, ya?

The one thing I learnt today

I had a good time today just catching up with friends I've not met for a while - friends from Harvard for one. The group of them are down for the Negotiations EP that I would have been running if I had not quit NUS.

Besides catching up briefly with Uncle Joel (nice to see you after so long!), I had a nice one hour heart to heart talk with Papa John. And amongst the many things we spoke about, the one thing I learnt from him today is what he tells all his children, "Your greatest responsibility is not for the generation before you, but for the generation after you." We were talking about parents learning to let go of their children when they are old enough to think on their own, to chart their own lives, and to grow up to be the individuals they ought to be.

I also met up with Ian for dinner. I haven't had time to catch up with him ever since he knew Pam! Well, I'm really happy for the both of them that things are really going on well between the both of them. :) Why do I hear wedding bells? Or was it just me hearing things? :P It's great knowing that things are going on well for him!

Just had a good talk with mum... and yes, she supports all that I'm doing... "Just make sure you take care of your health ah.." OK, mum...:)

I've to be up in three hours' time to make my way to Pulau Nanyang for some Induction Programme... after which, I will trod down to some kung fu sinseh shop to have my back twisted back to shape... Yes, it still hurts, but not as bad... And I'm glad to say, I've cured my cough! I just downed lots of mum's sambal belacan mixed in soup!

A fulfilling day indeed!

:)

Smile...

It's still a Monday morning, and for some, the day has hardly started. But for me, I feel like I've accomplished much... and there's more in store for the rest of the day! :)

For starters...

1. Woke up at 5.30am to pack the usual sandwiches for my brother's lunch.

2. Caught a glimpse of National Geographic and learnt to distinguish between a squid and a cuttlefish... Also learnt that squids are carnivores that eat even its own kind!

3. Went to the polyclinic just to appease my mum that I don't have anything more serious than a bout of flu. The doctor sent me home with a bunch of medication I already have at home, and told me to "cough til it stops".... whatever.. No MC needed. See, mum? I told you I'm OK...

4. Had a quick exchange of SMS with Pris... So glad to know you're doing fine, pal.. We'd meet up soon ya?

5. Spoke with Papa John on the phone.. Yes, he's down from Harvard. Said he was trying to get in touch with me but couldn't cos he sent an email to me to my old email address! Now he suspects that I'm some secret agent trying to hide my real identity! (*roll eyes*). Will probably meet up with him today or tomorrow before he leaves on Thursday.

6. Am working on the CampVision collaterals and T-shirt design... Final touch-ups and I can hand in the artwork today! :) Better start cracking now.. I have 3 hours to complete it all!

I hope Wendy is doing fine with the Negotiations EP. I had wanted to help more, but circumstances (like my back and flu) didn't allow me to... Well, maybe it's all for the better. I'm sure that girl will make it nice and well, and at the end of the day, she can pat herself on the back and say, "I did it!" :)

Before I pen off, I'd just like to share with you the one thing that made me all smiles since 6am this morning...

Taking a bath and being able to soap my toes without that pain in the back. :)

My Best Friend's Wedding

I guess the good part about being down with flu coupled with a backache is that I can't do much except plonk myself in front of the TV and channel surf. I think I've seen enough reruns of Exotic Homes and Getaways on Discovery Channel, or of the different kinds of prawns (ebi, as the japanese would call it) on Japan Hour. I still cannot get over the fact that they ate the prawns raw - with the feelers still moving!

In between those shows, I managed to catch two movies - The Other Sister, and my all time favourite, My Best Friend's Wedding.

I have never failed to cry at the ending of My Best Friend's Wedding. I think I must have watched that show for like, five times? And I've teared each time the scene whereby Julia Roberts gets hugged by her best friend (Michael) - as though he's saying -thanks for all you've done.

Wendy knows why I cry each time I watch that movie. She calls it the "Mark" show. I remember telling her a few weeks back when they began to show the trailers for the movie. "Let's see if I'd cry this time."

Well, Wendy, I didn't!

I guess it's a matter of perspective now. For the longest time, I thought myself to be "Jello". But this time round, I chose to be "Creme Brulee". And who cares if creme brulee is something new, or if it hasn't been around as long as jello, or if it's a tad too crusty at the top, and sweet in between. The point of the matter is that this jello has transformed, and it has moved on. And it has gained the appreciation of those who treasure the unique taste of creme brulee.

This is Pam's favourite line from the show, and I guess when you really think about it, it is true. Do what you need to do, say what you need to say, before the moment just passes you by...

"Kimmy says, When you love someone. You say it, you say it out loud.
Right now. Or the moment...passes you by."


And for all the diehard romantic friends of mine, this song's for you...

Someday
When I'm awfully low
When the world is cold
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight

Yes, you're lovely
With your smile so warm
And your cheek so soft
There is nothing for me but to love you
And the way you look tonight

With each word your tenderness grows
Tearing my fear apart
And that laugh
That wrinkles your nose
Touches my foolish heart

Lovely
Never ever change
Keep that breathless charm
Won't you please arrange it
'Cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight

And that laugh
That wrinkles your nose
It touches my foolish heart

Lovely
Don't you ever change
Keep that breathless charm
Won't you please arrange it
'Cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight

Hmm...
Hmm...
Just the way you look tonight

Down with flu...

What's with me? First the back ache, now I'm down with flu. High fever, runny nose, a sore throat and congested cough... And the back is still sorely painful...

Is is the weather? I seem to fall sick always in the month of May. Last year, I was at the CDC for the whole month, down with viral fever. Or is it just the case of the body's resistance dropping after a highly stressful period during practicum? I read somewhere that if one relaxes too much after a high stress period, the body's resistance will drop and the person will succumb to virus more easily.

Oh well, whatever the conspiracy theory is, I feel like a pile of mess waiting to be untangled.

Gotta go rest now...

Still in pain...

It's been two days since I had the acute pain at the lower back, and the pain is still there. I feel like a confused old woman who cannot decide if it's better to sit or stand. Sitting down for more than 5 minutes sends a sharp pain from the lower back up to the spine. Standing for too long sends a numbing pain at the same area. Walking sends a pulsing pain with every step I take. The only thing I can do is to lie on my papasan chair with stacks of pillows to support the back. Only then is the pain bearable.

But I feel bored just sitting there. So, just enduring the pain, I cooked a whole big pot of minestrone soup yesterday afternoon. Went NTUC to shop for groceries with my mum, and even went to church for Ascension Day Mass yesterday evening. I did much walking, and though at the end of the day, the pain came on even stronger, I did feel better than just sitting in my papasan chair doing nothing. It's times like these that I only wished I had a laptop instead of a desktop.

PAUSE... back aching again.. Let me change my sitting position...

I've been one person who hates medication. And so I refused to pop in any painkillers yesterday. But come night time, I had to succumb to the pills. Well, at least I had a good nights' sleep cos the pills make me drowsy.

Next week, I've to go back to the hospital for a check up. I hope I'd be better by then. I've got too much to do outside to stay indoors with a back ache!

Oh, and to my dear friends - thanks for your care, concern, msn messages, smses and calls. You know who you are - Thanks, really... :)

Have a great day ahead.. It's Friday!!

My back

Back from the hospital with a whole load of painkillers, and two jabs. The pain hasn't subsided, but at least I am more mobile now.

The doctor at the polyclinic referred me to the hospital after the jab they gave me didn't work. In fact, it made it more painful, and for a moment, I stood in the middle of the waiting room writing in pain. Tears just flowed down my cheeks as I realised I couldn't even slide my feet forward to move anymore. Any movement I made just triggered the pain further at the lower back.

As the nurses and paramedics transferred me from the wheelchair to the stretcher, I endured more pain. They had to lift me by my shorts as I could hardly move by myself.

I endured more pain at the A & E Ward when the doctor went through with me again the same process to test that my reflexes were OK. I found myself repeating the same things I said to the doctor at the polyclinic. Pain...

X-ray. Yet more pain as I was asked to move from the bed to the cold X-ray table. I felt helpless. I reached out to any hand that offered support for me to move from place to place. My doctor said in a chuckle. "You look like a baby". I guess so. Helpless like a baby... and maybe just as cute? :P

No fractures - the doctor told me after examining the x-ray films. He wrinkled his forehead, wondering what caused the pain. He told me if the pain didn't subside after another injection, he'd have to admit me in cos he couldn't rule out me having a slipped disc.

No - I didn't want to stay in the hospital. I'm supposed to be canoeing with my NIE mates tomorrow! And so, when he visited me again and asked if I could sit up, I rolled over with all my might, bit my lips to hide the pain and sat up. Then I stood up. Then I walked. The pain was half as bad, but bearable.

"Guess I don't have to be admitted?" I asked him.

As I am sitting in front of my PC blogging, I thank God that it wasn't anything too serious. Yes, I limp when I walk, and hold my back like a pregnant woman. My mum has kindly lifted things I needed to above the waist level so I don't have to bend down. I'm hoping the pain will subside over the next few days. I'd be bored staying at home!

Well, the good news is that I don't have to get down to NIE on Friday for more talks! :)

A Twisted Back

I must have twisted my back somehow last night. I recalled moaning in pain when Wendy called me passed midnight. I thought I could sleep the pain through and it will be OK this morning. Well, guess I was wrong.

I felt paralysed when I awoke. I had to take a full 10 minutes to figure out and contort my body just to get myself up from the floor to my feet. Even that, I was writhing in pain. With every step I took, the pain magnified 10 times to the lower back. For a while, I just stood still, wondering if that would be the best thing to do.

I woke mum up, much to her shock. From my face, she knew something was amiss. I told her about the pain. She whipped out her back brace (mum's got a back problem too), and tightly secured it around my waist. It felt better with the support, but it didn't ease the pain much.

As I lowered myself to sit on mum's bed, tears welled up in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I've never felt so much pain for so long. Suddenly, flashes of what ifs cloud my mind. What if my life was like that forever?

OK, a little melodramatic, you may say. But really, what if?

I have begun to walk more since three hours ago. I figured I'd better keep the limbs moving lest I really become immobile. I have decided to be my own physiotherapist, forcing myself to endure the pain as much as I can as I make little efforts to push myself further to bend a little, stretch a little, push a little.

I'd be going to the doctors soon. Slowly, I will walk there. I figured at the snail's pace I'm taking to walk, I'd reach there just in time - in an hour - for the polyclinic to open.

I'm hoping it's nothing more serious than a strained back that can be treated with a jab or some pain killers. But in any case, should I be hospitalised, will someone bring me a laptop so I can do work? A T-shirt design is due....

Will keep you updated after my visit to the docs. In the meantime, I shall leave and take my snail's pace there.

Hope you're having a better start to your morning! :)

When the grass is greener on the other side

The postings are out. And one by one, us trainee teachers open our envelopes with apprehension, wondering where the Minstry have sent us. For those of us who applied directly to schools, our fate also laid in the hands of the Ministry ultimately. The principals of each school had only that much say in requesting for us to teach in their schools.

When it was announced that the number of trainee teachers that got posted into JCs this year had increased by 100%, my heart twitched for a moment. Yes, I did request to get into HIHS as I wanted to teach in a Catholic school. Yet, there was once another part of me that also wanted to teach in a JC. And now with project work coming into place in the school's curriculum, teaching in a JC just became all the more attractive to me. But I knew my name wasn't on that list.

I knew that those who got posted to the JCs had at least an honours degree. I had none to boast about. Not that I couldn't qualify for it back then. I was offered to do honours for both my majors, but I had to turn both offers down as I couldn't afford it. I had to go out to work as soon as I could before the study loans welled up. And so, I graduated without honours.

Part of me began to wonder if I would have been better off just doing my honours back then. In a way, I feel I am losing out now. Not doing my honours isn't a simple case of "I should have studied harder". That would have been easy to deal with. But it was another matter altogether. It isn't always the case that opportunities be served to you on a silver platter. Well, at least not for me back then. And so, I made that choice. And now, I'm living the consequences of my choice.

But I have learnt to live my live without regrets. Driven by the maxim that "Everything happens for a reason", I believe that there is a reason why I wasn't posted into a JC. Recalling my raison d'etre for teaching, I realised that if I would have taught in a JC, then I wouldn't gain the experience I had wanted to gain in dealing with troubled teens. Not that kids at JCs are angels, but deep in me, I knew the kids at HIHS presented me with a challenge and a mission to accomplish within three years.

And so, maybe, it doesn't matter so much if Pam got posted to CHIJ St Joseph's - the school that I had wanted so much to teach in, or that Alvin got posted to his alma mater, NJC, or that Victor's going to teach at NYJC, and Jennifer at AJC, I think each of us teachers-to-be have a mission each in our schools to accomplish.

For a moment, it seemed that our teaching capacity and worth was measured by where we were posted to. But in retrospect, it really isn't the case. I believe the one up there has planned it all out. Some of our loads are heavier than others. Some of us have heavier crosses to carry. But I know that He will never give us a burden heavier than we can bear. All I need is strength, faith, and courage to face what is to come my way.

The grass always looks greener on the other side. It's perhaps time to appreciate the greenery on our side instead.

:)

Updates...

I know I haven't been the best at blogging these days. It is an indication of too many things to do, and more so, the lack of inspiration to write. In short, the following happened since the last time I blogged...

1. Received my permanent posting - it's back to HIHS.

2. Have been cooking lately, and inventing new dishes again, much to the happiness of my brother who has been spared of mum's cooking - not that she doesn't cook well, but she cooks the same dishes over and over again.

3. Mum's much better. Her health has improved, but she's still under medication.

4. Managed to get Wendy to seriously think about her future plans in her career path.

5. Grace got her dream job at TP! Congrats!! Now, I'm really going to pass my students to you, pal!

6. Was chef for the weekend for two parties. It felt good knowing people enjoyed by cooking! The brownies, once again, was a hit! :)

7. I learnt from a dear friend what it means to give unconditionally. It takes a lot out of one to do that. Sometimes, I should remind myself to be less selfish and more giving, no matter who.

8. Finally took some time to write to Dad. Thank goodness he's fine.. He's back to line dancing and is actually teaching in some home line dancing on a volunteer basis.

9. Am planning a trip to Bangkok cos I've got a free ticket!

10. Spent the weekend with three dear friends. What else could be better?

Just got back from the SAF visit as part of the NIE post practicum programme. Wow! I sat in an F5 and F16!! And did you know that each of the gigantic Singapore flag that is flown on National Day is 90ft by 60 ft, and costs $30,000 per flag. And that they have 18 flags on standby in total on that day??? Do your maths.. The price we pay for getting our country's name in the guiness book of world records.

Say what you wish.. I am proud to be a Singaporean!

:)

The way you look at me...

I've used a new song for the blog. I fell in love with it the moment I heard it. Surprise, surprise, it's sung by a Filipino. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Christian Baustista, with his rendition of The way you look at me...

No one ever saw me like you do
All the things that I could add up to
I never knew just what a smile was worth
But your eyes see everything without a single word

CHORUS
'Cause there's somethin' in the way you look at me
It's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
You make me believe that there's nothing in this world I can't be
I never know what you see
But there's somethin' in the way you look at me

If I could freeze a moment in my mind
It'll be the second that you touch your lips to mine
I'd like to stop the clock, make time stand still
'Cause, baby, this is just the way I always wanna feel

[Repeat CHORUS]

BRIDGE
I don't know how or why I feel different in your eyes
All I know is it happens every time


[Repeat CHORUS]


CODA
The way you look at me
And if you want to know how he looks like.. well.. Here's a treat for your eyes!

Little things that make me smile :)

I've been on a rollercoaster ride these days. Maybe it's the weather; maybe I've been worrying too much. But whatever it was, I have learnt to smile at the little things that come my way. As I learn to focus on these things, I learn to appreciate life better, and be thankful of all that I have.

1. Having conversations with good friends who have been up to their necks with work. Hang in there, pals! You're not alone! :)

2. Making dinner for my brother and seeing him gobble it all down with a satisfied look on his face.

3. Meeting up with my NIE mates and catching up with them.

4. Having cleared my room of mess.

5. Receiving phone calls on my new StarHub line - cos it's free and I can talk as long as I want!

6. Spending time with mum.

7. Giving someone a massage and seeing him/her all relaxed after that.

8. Having a swim when the pool is empty.

9. Listening to my music whilst rollerblading.

10. Seeing Brandy - the poodle I meet at the Tampines Park each time I blade. He reminds me of Cookie.

11. Planning a party, conjuring up recipes in my head.

12. Seeing a child talk to his dad.

13. Receiving emails from friends.

14. Making travel plans.

15. Laying my fingers on the keyboard.

16. Listening to the sound of the piano.

17. Singing in the lift or toilet.

18. Playing with babies.

19. Making another smile.

And of course, I smile best, when...

20. I see another smile. :)

But at the back of my head, I am packed with feelings of mixed emotions. For one, a dear friend of mine hasn't been too himself lately. He seems to be keeping to himself, and I wonder why. The sunshine in his eyes is gone. Maybe he's tired. Maybe he needs time alone. I hope to have the sunshine back soon... Kinda miss it!

Final school postings will be out within these two days. I wonder if I'd stay at HIHS. And more so, who else will be posted there. I'm hoping Joanne will be posted there with me. I've found a friend in her, and I know I'd feel that something's missing if I don't see that familiar face I've grown accustomed to see every morning for the past 10 weeks.

I'm beginning to feel that I've lost steam on the project I started off a few months back. My friends who have been behind me supporting this project seem to have lost their enthusiasm too. I don't blame them. It was a project that started off well, but kept hitting obstacles in relation to it. And so the motivation to carry on just wasn't there. I'm hoping to kickstart the project again, with fingers crossed. This time, I want to make it real.

Never always alone

Sometimes, when the world seem to come down on you
And when there seem to be so many things to do
When everything needs to be done almost immediately
You sit and wonder how did it all happen
Why must it all happen now?
It is times like these when you will ask,
What was it? Will this moment ever pass?
Suddenly you feel overwhelmed
And all you want to do
Is to be left alone
To not say a word
To recharge
To rejuvenate
And come to terms with your inner soul.
And in your yearn for isolation
At the same time, you also wish
That there is someone to listen
To share your burden,
To help ease the load.

Will it help to know that I'm stretching out my hand
To help ease that load?

- Deborah Anne Chew

So much happening!

Wow! I didn't realise I haven't been blogging for 4 days! And to think so much things have been happening in my life!

Friday marked the end of my practicum at HIHS. Got treated to a little party by my Sec 3 Integrity class, the class that drained me all so much. The made me a nice card, in which they penned down their little messages.. "Sorry for making you cry, Ms Chew" "Sorry for sleeping in your class" "You are a great teacher" "Ms Chew rocks!"....

Us trainee teachers organised some food for the staff of HIHS and went around with gifts and cards, thanking the P, VP and teachers who have been so nice to us during the 10 weeks there.

As I began to clear my table and drawers, a sense of relief came over me. Yes, it's finally over. That will be the last time I will be seeing my desk which I had occupied for the last 10 weeks. When I return, it will be to the new school at Punggol. I'm just hoping that I'd see my fellow trainee teachers back at HIHS too. I've grown used to seeing their faces, I think I'll miss them loads if I don't see them when the new term starts!

Friday nite was spent at M Hotel for a charity party. Highlights include meeting up with Chen Ying and Pam again after so long, and of course spending time over jokes and laughs with old friends.... Oh yes, the charity auction.. I pooled in contributions from my friends, and managed to bid a date on behalf of my friends, a CLEO bachelor for the price of $180! But since all of them are attached, they have passed the date to me! Now, I have a date with Vernon Bay, voted Bachelor with the Sexiest Attitude in the latest CLEO Eligible Bachelor contest.. Nice guy.. Spoke with him for a while.. Man, he's got a winning smile! Thanks, my friends, for your generosity that nite!!

Another highlight was the lucky draw... Wendy, Chris and I had wanted to leave for our very delayed dinner close to midnight when we realised that Wendy had bought two cards for the lucky draw. We decided to stay back and wait, and see if lady luck was smiling on us that night.. And yes she was! We won not only a CD soundtrack, but also the top prize of a weekend stay at the M Hotel worth over $700! Before the last card was drawn, Wendy pushed her Queen of Hearts to me, and said, "This one belongs to you". After I collected the prize, we both hugged each other. It was a symbolic victory in more sense than one.

The night ended late.. really late. After supper at Oscars- yummy steak and fish and chips, we headed over to Kopitiam for more coffee and dessert. By the time each of us reached home, it was close to 5am. Wendy couldn't sleep so we continued our coversation on the phone. In between, I received an SMS from a dear friend, thanking me for the night, and saying that he was almost home. I smiled as I read the message. When we waved goodbye to each other, I had wanted so much to say "send me an sms when you reach home so I'll know you're OK", but for some reason, I didn't. So it was almost telepathic when he did. That's called rapport, Uncle Joel will tell me...

Yesterday, I got up early, got fruits and headed to Tan Tock Seng Hospital to visit my CT. She had a surgery done to her finger that was injured by some accident at home. It affected the nerves, and so teh surgery was quite a major one. She was surprised to see both Joanne and I. The three of us exchanged teacher stories, and laughter. I was glad we were able to spend time with her... I really do admire my CT.. A real gutsy woman with two kids, and looks and behaves like ten years younger than she actually is! And did I mention she's really cool?

I must have been really tired after I met Wendy in town later in the day. We had lunch at Cafe Cartel.. Ribs and lots of bread! When I came back, I downed my dinner and slouched on my papasan chair with "The Joy of Cooking" in my hands. When I woke this morning, I had the book in my arms. Did I sleep that long?

Today's Mother's Day. It will be spent with mum... Food again, what else?!

Monday, I will meet all my NIE mates again. What a joy! Chen Ying said I had put on weight... Yes, I have.. Too much good food lah! :) Well, I wonder if any of my NIE mates are in the same boat as I am! And I can't wait to exchange all the stories about our kids too!! Can't wait!!

:)

Cherishing Life

This morning, I skipped the morning assembly and stood close to Joanne in the staff room as she fought back her tears. Whilst the both of us stayed in the staff room, the whole school was listening to her story through another teacher. You see, Joanne's cousin passed away yesterday.

He was scheduled to undergo a brain operation after doctors found out that there was a growth that needed to be taken out. It was a risky procedure, but doctors were sure he would make it through, considering his youth. The operation was a success and doctors had even made arrangements to have him transferred out of ICU into the normal ward. But things took a turn for the worse within hours. He lapsed into a coma and soon was pronounced brain dead.

He was just 19 years old with a full life ahead of him. He had just completed his project at Ngee Ann Polytechnic and was presented with the Tan Kah Kee Award by his lecturer prior to his operation. In the hospital, despite his brain condition, he aspired to do something about his project, perhaps even sell the idea when he got better. He was optimistic, and enthusiastic. He was not a natural bright spark, but his perseverance and enthusiasm for learning brought him to where he was. Even before his condition turned for the worse, his last request was to sit for his exams.

Joanne asked me this morning - Why is God so unfair? Why didn't He give her cousin a chance of a longer life, to learn what he wanted? Why was his life short-changed when he had so much he could do ahead of him? Why him? She reflected on the students we teach and if only they had the same amount of enthusiasm in learning. Perhaps, they do not realise the opportunity that is presented to them all these while. Perhaps, they have failed to cherish life, and cherish what they have.

Thinking about Joanne's cousin got me reflecting on my life. Have I done enough with my life? If today would be my last day on earth, would I have done enough? Have I cherished all that I've got? Have I said my thanks enough, or have I made my peace to those I have hurt? It got me thinking that life is too short, too unpredictable for me to push things til tomorrow what I can do today. It is too much of a mystery for me to plan as though I will be able to direct life as I please.

And so, I begin to understand more fully the meaning of carpe diem, about living life to its fullest, about taking opportunities, and about cherishing life.

Like me, teachers and students of HIHS were touched in one way or another through the story of Joanne's cousin. It got them thinking, like it did me. And though his life has passed, I think he'd be glad to know that he has touched the lives of many, and will continue to do so by his example in his living years.

Think about Joanne's cousin. Then think about your life. What have you done?

Just worried

My student asked me today why my eyes looked sad. I told her it was because they had once again failed to hand in their projects. Well, that was part of the reason. I guess the other reason was that mum's at home sick.

Prior to the lesson, I called her. She was scheduled to go back to the polyclinic for a check up today. Last Friday, she scared the wits out of me when she told me that the doctor used some machine to clear her lungs as they were infected with virus. They changed the antibiotics she was on, and told her that by that night, if her breathing didn't get better, she was to get to the A & E immediately. I rushed back from school after seeking permission from my VP to leave school early. Thankfully, she got better over the weekend. But today, the congestion in the chest came back again.

My heart became heavy as mum told me that she was on the way to the hospital to get her lungs cleared up again. She told me how she slumped onto the doctors chair cos she was so weak. She said she was almost breathless. I've suffered from bronchitis once, so I fully understood how it feels being breathless. It's not a joke. She told me that they were going to take an x-ray of her chest. They made her do some breath test, and said there was "leaking".. whatever that meant!

I couldn't concentrate on marking at school. I packed my things as soon as I could, and headed home. I wanted to know if mum was OK. I was worried for her.. Did she have anything to eat? Is she OK? It didn't help that my handphone went dead, so I couldn't contact her. I was frustrated, agitated, worried... everything rolled into one. All I wanted was answers. For a moment, I wished I wasn't teaching, so that I could just take leave, accompany mum to the hospital and find out everything there is to know just to make mum well again. But I couldn't. I had to be in school.

As I reached home, I was relieved to see mum grabbing a bite. She looked weak. She was drowsy from the medication. As I pulled out the stacks of marking that I brought home to do, half my mind wished I had less one burden to carry. I recalled Uncle Joel telling me about thread cutting, about how occupations such as teaching and nursing draw the most out of an individual. I suddenly realise with mum sick, I have taken on these two roles. And for a moment, I felt overwhelmed.

Today hasn't exactly been the best school day. My Sec 3 Hope class was just rowdy and making as much noise as they could. It was only when I threatened to have their names recorded in the discipline file did they quieten down a little. Even though, when I left the class, I felt drained. It seemed that they had sapped every ounce of energy from Victor and myself. The Sec 2 class that I relieved for earlier in the day were no better. I spent the one period having a verbal battle with them on why there wasn't any PE lesson. I ended my day with my favourite Sec 4 Peace class. But by then, I was too drained to impart any inspirational thoughts to them. I wished I had done better to reach out to more of them, but I couldn't. Their noise overpowered me. I let them talk and do as they wished. It was after all my last lesson with them. Deep in me, I was reflecting if I had been a good teacher to them if anything...

As I face my piles of marking to do, and with the worries that fill my mind about my mum, I push away the thought of having ME time as soon as practicum ends. Now, all I want is for mum to get better again.

In the sun again...

Wendy and I packed our rollerblades at 8am in the morning yesterday, and by 9am, we were out of the house, heading towards the East Coast. She wanted a well-deserved break from work and her new home. I wanted a break from school and home. It was us just wanting have our moments of "ME" time, doing what we like - rollerblading by the sea, talking to each other and lazing in the sun... and oh, did I mention eat? :)

We did our usual route along the East Coast beach - up towards Fort Road, then back towards the East Coast Lagoon Food Centre where we'd always treat ourselves with big bags of thirst-quenching sugar cane juice. Yesterday, we sat at the food centre for almost an hour talking while sipping our drinks. There, Wendy poured out her frustrations. As I listened to her, I felt blessed with the way things have turned out in my life. It probably seemed as though that she was willing to trade places anytime. But it wasn't so much of the fact that she was unhappy with the way things were. It was more of the fact that she wished things were slightly different.

We headed for the beach to bask in the sun for a moment. For a while, the both of us just sat there in the sun, looking at the people around us. In the heat of the mid-day sun, a soothing cool breeze brushed us gently, almost in a comforting embrace. For a moment, the both of us thought we were back in Hawaii... well, if only..!

We couldn't resist the "chow-tah" looking pita bread as we passed by this restaurant near McDonald's. The guy at the counter was making the breads fresh from flour. We made our orders of chicken and pita bread immediately... and waited, and waited and waited and waited... and waited. When it finally came, it was probably worth the wait. The pita bread came "chow-tah" the way we liked it - and crispy on the outside, and soft and warm in the inside... Yum! It came served with an assortment of dips. We think the garlic one helped clear some impurities in our intestines!

As Wendy left to make her way to her new home, I couldn't help but noticed her down spirits again. I hope today, she'll feel better. I promised to spend the day with her. We'd go to IKEA to get some stuff for her new home, and for me, to eat the hot dog like I always do... Come to think of it, I had the same craving just last year when I was in the CDC! I remember telling Grace as I laid in the hospital bed that I was craving for the hot dog from IKEA! In any case, I rushed to complete setting my CPA paper til 3am this morning so that I could spend some time with a good old friend today... :)

Today, I hope Wendy will smile again...

:)

Thoughts of a trainee teacher...

With just a week before the end of the school practicum, I am overwhelmed with mixed emotions. On one hand, I am relieved and glad that I would have passed through 10 weeks of practicum without any major hiccups (cross my fingers and hope nothing major turns out at the last week here at HIHS!), on the other hand, I realise that my journey of a teacher has only just begun. I still have a long way to go!

I recall 10 weeks back, or even before that. I remember telling my NIE mates that I was in a way afraid of the practicum. They shared my fears. It was a fear of uncertainty, and whether or not we could handle the real life outside as a teacher. What are the kids like these days? Are all the "horror" stories we've heard true? Can we even apply anything we've learnt at NIE to the real classroom? At one moment, I was even questioning myself if I had made the right decision to leave the corporate world outside, and answer the call to touch young minds.

Today, in reflection, I don't have the answer if I've made the correct decision. It doesn't matter. Over the weeks here at HIHS, I have learnt to answer the questions I've asked before practicum. I've learnt about dealing with students, about teaching, about dealing with teachers, about meetings, about school procedures... and the works. I have had my share of ups and downs, of good days and bad days, and I've learnt to pick myself up each time I fall. I've learnt to reach out for the support of my cooperating teachers, armed with their years of experience each time I fall. They have been so supportive during my weeks here, I feel blessed.

But what I have learnt is but a fraction of what is to come. As I anticipate the full workload of a teacher in two months' time, I can't help but feel the same fear I had prior to practicum. Questions race through my mind once again. Will I....?

On a lighter note, I must say I will miss seeing the kids I've come to know over the 10 weeks. Yes, they have made or broken my day along the way, but I have learnt to own them like my own in some way. Like I have mentioned before - the very same students that make your heart ache on some days, are the very same students that make you smile on other days. In retrospect, I sometimes find myself asking, "Weren't I like that before?"

As the practicum draws to an end, I'm beginning to feel a little tired. Perhaps I have not learnt to cut the threads as well as I should - the way Uncle Joel taught me. I hope that when the new term starts, and when I become a full-fledged teacher come July, I will be recharged and re-energized again. If anything, I only want to pass positive vibes to the kids I teach. I want to motivate them, inspire them, and stretch them to their limits.

But before I do that, I'd need to recharge...