Inspiring!

It started with a basic premise - that there's something in everyone that's worth believing in, worth sharing with, and worth investing in. It's a vision of sharing, caring, and bringing people from all walks of life together. It was a simple vision, and now, it is on its way to bigger things - and more to come. It all started with a simple guy, having a simple vision - just because he cared to think about the others around him, and see the potential in each and everyone around.

As I left my two hour meeting with him, I had a general idea of his vision, and what has been done so far. I was speechless and deep in thought. Whilst wondering how I could contribute to this vision, I wondered where he got his energy from. There was this zest of life, an overflow of enthusiasm that was almost infectious. He seemed tireless, and looked nothing like a guy who had barely four hours of sleep. He was hopping from meeting to meeting, and there wasn't a hint of tiredness in his eyes. Instead, they sparkled with excitement. Like a little child telling a vivid story, I listened as he poured out yet more ideas, complete with hand gestures and animated facial expressions. In short, the more I got to know him, the more he amazed me. But yet there was no hint of pride in him. Simple and humble, he thought nothing of what he was doing. He just focused on his vision, and used all he had to make his dream come true.

I came home thinking about the meeting I had with him. It was the first time meeting him, yet there was just something special about him that made me feel that he had just touched my life - probably even without even him knowing. I think he had started the engine of enthusiasm that was dead in me for a while. I came home after a long day feeling recharged and looking forward to the next meeting with him and a team of people to see how I can use my writing to touch yet more lives. I pulled out piles of files in front of me as I ambitiously attempt to finish one of my many NIE assignments tonight. I'll need all the time I can squeeze in now to see how I can contribute to this huge project. I foresee sleepless nights, dark eye rings and heavy eye bags. But sharing in someone's dream, and doing what I can for a good cause makes it all worthwhile.

It got me deep in thought too, that we never can tell when or where or how someone's life can be touched by what we say and do. But when that happens, celebrate and learn from it, so that more lives may be touched.

I have learnt. I was touched. I have been inspired. To you who touched my life - my heartfelt thanks. Now, go celebrate. Because you have just showed me that even in simplicity, we can achieve things of great complexity.

Sport Climbing, the Scratches, the Bruises and the Lesson Learnt

Today, I spent my time from 10am to 5pm at Climb Asia with 11 other friends, learning how to scale a wall spotted with boulders. We went throught the theory part of the climb in the morning, and began learning how to belay and climb after lunch.

I had always wanted to try my hands at sport climbing. I thought it was pretty cool trying to find cracks and crevices to plant my hands and feet in as I try to attempt the vertical wall. Looks pretty easy, ain't it? Well, not so!

Once you're up there, your body weight suddenly feels like a tonne. You lose your senses on where the boulders are, and where you can plant your feet, and your arms just ache and ache til they get numb. The wall doesn't seem so high from the bottom, but when you're actually doing the climb, the way up there seem endless!

I tried climbing the wall twice. I didn't reach the top on both tries, but I was pretty happy with my performance. It wasn't my intention to reach the top. I was just happy I tried what I always wanted to try. Each time I came down from the climb, I collected scratches and bruises on my hands and knees. I didn't even know where I got them from! It must have been when I was too excited and anxious to want to grip on one of the boulders to lift myself further up. At the end of the day, I think I was the champion climber that collected the most wounds. I left Climb Asia with two plasters across my fists. I looked as though I was crucified up there!

But don't let my experience scare the rest of you who are interested in the sport. It is really fun if you get the technique right. There's a lot of thinking that goes into the climb. You need to plan where to put your hands and feet and how to shift your body weight from left to right. I guess my body weight was just one large mass that it didn't make a difference whether it was on the left or right.. I just felt I weighed a tonne! The guys in the group did very well. The managed to reach the top on three different walls quite easily, and some of the other girls made it up there too. I really admired Wendy for her determination to reach the top despite being really tired. She just didn't want to give up! Good on you, girl!

I must be thinking too hard again, cos at the end of the day, I realised something about me. I have changed. I don't know if it's for the better or not, but I know I have changed. The Deborah of yesterday would have pushed herself to the top. The Deborah of yesterday would have done all she could just to prove that she could be better if not equal to the rest. The Deborah of yesterday would have felt defeated and discouraged if she saw that everyone else could reach the top, and she couldn't. The Deborah of yesterday would have felt really lousy. But the Deborah of today didn't.

When I came home, I felt happy. I felt happy that I finally tried my hands on sport climbing and who cares if I didn't reach the top. I did the best I could. I felt happy for Wendy and the rest for being able to reach the top. I could share the joy of their achievement. I didn't feel a compelling need to prove myself. I just felt comfortable with my less than perfect aim. It mattered more that I saw others achieving their heights.

Maybe this can be a reflection of how things should be when I teach. It shouldn't matter as much if I don't get my distinctions or prove that I am smarter than every student I teach. It should however matter that I see that they achieve their goals, and reach the highest point they can reach. And when that happens, I will be able to share the joy they experience. It matters more that I've tried my best in teaching them, and influencing them.

Practicum is going to start in March. I hope I will be able to touch the lives of my students... some of them, if not all...

Falling in Love?

Last week, Wendy told me she was going to get her marriage registered next month. My heart thumped hard. "Wow! Wendy's gonna get married!" One of the last few of my close friends who's not yet married, is finally getting married! The one girl who told me she's going to take her time to walk down the aisle is going to get married! I felt all so happy for her, but at the same time, in my heart, I wondered if I'm lagging behind too much?

Friends tell me my time will come. My prince charming will come. I will get married one day. Someone will make me feel all so special one day. Love, marriage, kids... they all will come one day. The words come and go like the day. I wait and wait. I pray and pray. Men came, and went. I loved and lost. I laughed and cried. Now all that's left is a healing heart, wondering what went wrong, and waiting again.

But waiting is a tiring game. Waiting without knowing what you're waiting for is even more tiring. I marvel at how some can go through the game over and over again, starting almost immediately as though they had a heart so strong. I don't seem to be able to do that. Pris calls it the "once bitten twice shy syndrome". I think I've been bitten more than once. And I had put myself through the same ordeal over and over again over the years. And now, I feel tired. I don't seem to want to try anymore.

If falling in love was a core module in the course of life, I'd fail it miserably. I never seem to get it right. Maybe I just fall in love too easily, too soon, and too deep. "I should be well-schooled" but I still haven't learnt...

Don't get me wrong. I am no heartless creature. I am a hardcore romantic. I love weddings, and I love to see friends around me fall in love. I love to hear of stories of how people express their love to each other, and I have a long list of things men should do to make their woman fall for them all over again. But most of all, I still love men.

It's just that the thought of falling in love, and falling out of it scares me.

Falling in love? I'd pass for now...

Who am I Kid-ding?

I thought I had just turned 23. Between then and now, I must have suffered from amnesia cos I can't quite remember celebrating the years in between. And now, as I tend towards the upper end of twenty, I begin to realise that years have flown past me with a bat of an eyelid.

I relish the feeling each time people think I'm still in my early 20s. Most of my NIE classmates are about 6 years younger than I am, but they can't tell the difference. They raise their eyebrows in surprise when they realise that I am born in the 70s, not the 80s, like them.

On my flight to Sydney, the flight stewardess asked if I was going back to Aussieland for studies. I smiled... In my T-shirt and jeans, I look very much like any other undergraduate.

I seem to be doing the things I have done before. I still play with my teddy bears, feel all so comfortable in my jeans and T-shirt, sing tunes from Animaniacs, and exercise more than I have ever done. So, discounting the two digits that change yearly, what else has changed? Sure, the skin on the face is not as plump, injuries take longer to heal, I get sleepy more easily, and parties are no longer jumping up and down to the beat of some strange music.

I had a talk with a few of my close friends one night, and we all agree that we have to admit it sometimes - we have aged. We are all growing older. We don't have the energy that we used to have. In short, we have mellowed down. And the tiredness can be seen in our eyes. They don't sparkle with enthusiasm like they did before. Instead, the eyes now speak of the language of "I have been there, and done that." And I ask myself, "What next?"

I tell my NIE classmates to enjoy their youth while they can. I tell them the body naturally begin to age when they reach my age. For a moment, I feel like some age-old guru. It's scary to note that I have decades of my life more to experience.

And so there exists a tension of feeling old, yet young at the same time. Looking back, I tell myself - Wow, I have travelled that much. But looking ahead, I ask myself - there is so much more to go? It is as if I am waving goodbye to youthhood, and saying hello to adulthood. Is this what some call the "quarter-life crisis"?

As I continue with life, I picture myself taking one step at a time. On one hand, I wish the hands of the time do not move, that I be young forever. On the other, I wish it to move faster, so that I can experience the richness that life has to offer. I approach life with a mixed feeling of fear, anticipation and excitement. I wonder what life has in store for me, yet on the other hand, I try to control what I want life to present to me.

And so with valuable experiences in tow, and new challenges ahead I have to overcome, I have to admit defeat. Much as I look young, and act young, and try to deny the fact that age is but a number, I am no longer a kid who can live life anyway she wants without a care in the world.

I figured it out - age is not just a number. It is telling you that you are growing up more and more each day into a unique individual.

I am no longer a kid. I should stop kidding myself.

Fill Life...

Somehow, I stumbled upon this website "The Daily Motivator". Everyday, the writer writes on some philosophy of life. Today, he talks about filling your life with good things. I'd like to share it with you here...

Fill life
Fill the world around you with beauty, and there will be no place left for darkness.
Let your spirit be filled with joy, and there will be no room available for anxiety.

Fill your body with nutritious food, and there will be no room for toxic junk.
Fill your heart with love, and there will be no place left for hatred.

Fill your actions with real, meaningful purpose, and there will be no room for doubt or insecurity.
Fill your moments with goodness, and there will be no place for resentment.

Fill your relationships with kindness, with sincerity, and there will be no room left for discord.
Fill your mind with positive thoughts, and there will be no space left for dismay.

Fill your days with passion and meaning, and there will be no room for regret.
The more good, positive, loving, productive and effective things with which you fill your life, the less room there will be for the undesirable things.

Fill your life, your world, with the best that you can give.

-- Ralph Marston

I Fall in Love Too Easily

I've been hearing this jazz album by Al Somma - nice deep voice. I'd describe his voice as Harry Connick Jr. meets Steve Tyrell. I can't help but feel for this song that he sang. I think it was originally sung by Frank Sinatra. It's called I Fall in Love Too Easily.

There are those who can leave love or take it
Love to them is just what they make it
I wish that I were the same
But love is my fav’rite game

I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast
I fall in love too terribly hard
For love to ever last

My heart should be well-schooled
’cause I’ve been burned in the past
And still I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast

My dear doctor

I have never met such a nice doctor as Dr Ng.

Following my check up with him on Monday, I had doubts as to whether I was supposed to eat one whole guava a day, or one serving.. And was I supposed to eat the seeds? Cos many people told me the seeds will cause me to have constipation.

And so when Pamela went to see him for her check up yesterday, I sent her on a mission to find out from Dr Ng about my guava query. Pam confirmed it was one whole guava, and yes, I can eat the seeds.

My handphone rang this afternoon. I was wondering who "private number" could be. It was Dr Ng on the other line. He apologised for not being to explain fully to Pam about the guava question cos he had lots of patients. So he explained to me in detail again. Yes, it's one whole guava. Half is fine too if one is too much. And yes, I can eat the seeds if I like (cos that's the sweetest part of the fruit!). He explained that he knew old folk tale will tell you that it causes constipation, but it's not true. He told me that the seeds just cannot be digested, much like grape seeds, and chilli seeds. All will be passed out eventually. He asked if I was OK with the rest of the medication, and if I needed anything else. He would be on reservist for the next two weeks and if I have any questions, I can call the nurses at the clinic, and they will contact him. He told me to tell Pam the same thing too. He had wanted to call her himself, but the nurses couldn't find the card at that time. He ended off by telling me to take good care of myself.

I hung up the phone and smiled. I told myself "He is really such a nice and committed doctor". He told me earlier that he was following up with his patients to see if they were OK before he goes into camp. I asked myself if I would have the same level of commitment when I become a full-fledged teacher. His patience never seem to wear out, and he never fails to keep his cool and professionalism. Will I be the same when I become a teacher?

I started thinking about the people I meet in my life. I look at my friends and see what I can learn from them. Debby and I were talking on the train just on Friday, and we said we admired Pam for being so chirpy and cheery always. I said she had an infectious smile, and she just makes people happy with her presence. Debby agreed. We wondered what drives her... In a way, I guess I should learn to be like her - spread life's happiness to everyone by just smiling... :)

And just to make you smile.. Here's some news my brother told me... He told me he heard this in the news - In India, there was a farmer, who had a bag of diamonds. He dropped the bag of diamonds in a pile of hay, and couldn't retrieve all of it. His cow ate the hay, and the diamonds in the process. And so now, everyday, he collects the piles of cow dung, and digs through the pile of dung to retrieve his diamonds... And to make things worse, he has to wait longer to get all his diamonds back cos cows have four stomachs (and thus take longer to digest the hay). And to make the story so complete, he can't kill the cow and open its stomach cos in India, cows are sacred. :)

A balance in life - and of love and marriages

I must have slept too much on the train from Boon Lay to Pasir Ris cos I can't seem to get to sleep now. I have an early class tomorrow, but I am wide-eyed. And so, I began to re-read one of my favourite blogs.

The writer talks about not doing too many things, but doing one thing at a time to perfection. And if I may quote, "Most people spent all their lives chasing their dreams till they die & try to give all kinds of reasons. True dreamers attain dreams one at a time and make sure each time is a ground breaking result. Never do things for the sake of doing it. Play to win & not play to show that I have done it!"

That got me thinking about striking a balance in life. If you recall, I once wrote about me being a supergirl before I was struck with viral fever that got me hospitalised and helpless for a whole month. It got me thinking about what I was doing with my life. It seemed I was game at laying my hands on everything that made me look good. I felt I had to do it all. But things changed. My health didn't allow me to be as gung-ho as before. I was taught how to take a step back.

But now, it seems that I am back to my old habits. I try to do this and that again. I feel I shouldn't be missing out on what life has to offer. I wanted to do it all again. And so, reading the blog made me get in touch with my heart again. I began to ask myself "What matters to you, Deb?" And I guess it's these things I should focus my energy on - and do it to perfection.

It's a balance between taking it all, and letting opportunities slip by. It's a balance between burning yourself out and being too laid back. It's a balance between extending yourself to others, and taking care of yourself. Where should you place yourself? Where should you stand? Life, it seems is in search for the perfect equilibrium. Will I be able to find it one day?

Besides seeking for that balance in life, I have also been seeking two other things. It is my prayer for a long time. I want to give up once in a while, but a nun told me "Pray everyday. If it is something you really want, you will get it." I see the truth of the statement from various perspectives. From a purely religious point of view, we of course believe in miracles. From an NLP point of view, they would say it is the power of the mind willing things to happen. And no doubt, the mind is a powerful weapon.

Pris asked me to read this interesting article on not giving up on marriage in yesterday's LIFE section. You can read the article here. Among the things that the writer mentions, one thing I agree most is the WILL to make marriages work and last. I told Max once that I think all marriages will have their own vulnerabilities. It's whether or not the couple would want to work things out. I told him I needed a guy that would want to work things out should there be a problem, rather than walk out and call it quits. He said there ain't much of such guys left. In my heart, I wish I'd get one of these few rare gems. I wonder if there are any left.

I guess I'll have to wait and see...

At home

I am all alone at home now. After a long nap in my papasan chair, and a nice warm shower, I made myself lunch. The lingering smell of freshly toasted bread makes me smile as the sun begin to peep behind the grey clouds. It was just minutes ago that the clouds let down a light trickle of rain. It was as if it was washing the gloom of the day away.

In the background, I have the soft sounds of Danny Wright playing on his piano - my favourite musical instrument. I attempted to learn how to play the piano years back. But I gave up. I figured it was just as good appreciating the music that came from it. Til today, my heart softens each time someone plays the piano.. especially if it were a guy.

In front of me, I have my textbook on Classroom Management The book looks as new as when I had bought it from the bookshop some three weeks back. Maybe later I will start to read it.

In the meantime, I am just enjoying my day. Today.

Me and my tummy

My stomach hasn't been too well lately. Pain comes on and off, and I alternate between feeling perfectly fine one minute, and crouching in pain the next. The pain was excruciating last night before I slept, and so I curled myself up in my papasan chair and went to sleep, hoping the pain will go away. It didn't. This morning, I woke up feeling awful. The stomach still hurt, and I felt like vomiting. For a moment, I felt pregnant.

Still, I dragged myself to school, hoping that the pain will go away like it did on other days. But the pain still lingered on. I managed to pull through 4 hours of class before conceding defeat. I called my favourite doctor up to check if he'd be in. I was relieved to know he would be in. And so, after meeting Pam, Chen Ying and Debby to pass to them the English notes I photocopied for the class, I made my way to the clinic.

I waited for another hour or so before I could see Dr Ng. But it was worth the wait. I enjoy going to see Dr Ng each time I have a medical problem. He is so patient and nice, he makes you feel all so well almost immediately. He will take great pains to explain to you why such and such happens, and will throw out to you all the possible scenario of the symptom you're experiencing. He'd even whip up his picture book so you'd have a better visual understanding of what's going on in your internal system.

And so Dr Ng explained and explained, asked questions, explained again, and told me what he would do.. Check my stomach, listen to it, and the rest of the procedures which I refuse to elaborate here. :P In all, he spent close to an hour with me in the room. He told me he would be leaving the clinic soon. He'd be going to SGH, specialising in plastic surgery. He left me his email address so that should I need to consult him in the future, I can contact him. The he went through my whole file and checked every single past ailment to check if I was OK. He even paused to tell me a joke! He ended off the session telling me to take care, and eat a guava a day.

I felt bad I took up so much of Dr Ng's time, and I pitied whoever was after me. That person must have been cursing under his breath!

With a bagful of pills and medication, I dragged myself home. The medication was supposed to help me purge, so my stomach will feel better. I have yet to purge. I keep eating, but nothing happens. The pain has lessened, and I am on MC tomorrow. Life feels good.. :)

Tomorrow, I will take the day off. I will psych myself back to the study mode. I will be less stressed about Spanish, and think a way out of it. My doctor asked me today if I was stressed. I said "no", but at the back of my head, I think I was stressed with Spanish class.

Hopefully, my tum tum will feel better tomorrow.

Holiday's Ended

Today spells the last day of the long weekend. Chinese New Year came and went, and if anything, I think I've gained two kilograms feasting throughout the four days. I don't understand how we all can say we are so full, we can't take in anymore food, and with each passing day, vow that we will eat less the next day, and yet when the next day comes, the whole cycle starts over again. And we eat ourselves sick.

My uncle just came over for lunch. We had yesterday's leftovers - lots of it. As usual, when my mum cooks, she does so as if she was cooking for an army of hungry men. My refrigerator is full with food, I don't know which to finish first. You name it, I've got it. Not to mention all the cookies and kueh kueh.

Yesterday, I had my friends over and my mum had her friends over for dinner. The last of our guests left close to 1am. And despite all the feasting, I have enough food to feed at least 40 more people. I think that will be my brother and mine dinner for the next week, after which, I will resemble a popiah!

Anyhow, it was great having my friends over again. We had a fun time playing with Keith. He's really cute and adorable. We were taking turns to carry him and playing with him... He's just so adorable - just like his mummy (and godmas! ;-) Right Pris?) I had Wendy and Jeff over too, and Pris came with Roy, and Roy's friend, Martin came too. The world is really small cos Martin happen to know one of Wendy's friend too. We're all planning to do rock climbing the week after next. They were also persuading me to take up diving.. I told them one day, when I overcome my fear of the water.

This morning, I woke up later than usual. I slept in my comfortable papasan chair. I cuurled myself up like a baby and let the cool breeze fan me to sleep as I hugged my heart-shaped pillow and Huggy Bear. As I opened my eyes, I dreaded the thought that it was already Sunday. Tomorrow, I will be back to school - a long day, and Spanish class of course. I have not progressed at all since the last lesson I attended.

There's work for me to do, lessons to prepare for and notes to file. But somehow, I don't feel like doing any of these. I feel like lazing around some more, and wish tomorrow is yet another holiday where I can laze by the pool and tan myself black. I wish it wouldn't rain so much so that I can go rollerblading or jogging or swimming... But the dark clouds hover and threaten to rain down huge drops of water like it did so last night. The holiday has ended, and reality starts to sink in. I have to get back to school tomorrow. I had better hit the books now.

Chinese New Year spells EAT!

Yesterday and today, thousands of Chinese Singaporeans celebrate the Lunar New Year. Dressed in new clothes, some rather awkwardly so, they all trot around Singapore carrying mandarin oranges, visiting relatives near and far. I did my fair share of visiting with my family too. We started off the day yesterday with Mass. Fr Alex gave us a very good homily that taught us that though we are Catholics, we can still celebrate Chinese New Year, which is by no means a paganistic practise. He spoke about how we should embrace the good practices of the holiday, such as the reunion dinner, filial piety and respect for the elders. Senseless superstitions, should however be thrown out. And by the end of the homily, we all learnt how best to wish each other during the season.

After Mass, we travelled from east to west to visit my uncle. There, we had a sumptuous meal of steamboat and lots and lots and lots of other food. My aunt specially steamed a whole pomfret for me, which I had to finish right down to the bone dutifully. It didn't help that I was not in a fish mood, and all I wanted to eat was meat... BEEF!!

Speaking of beef, the night before, my family had our reunion dinner at the Town restaurant at the Fullerton Hotel. It was really nice. We dined al fresco, with the colour of the orange sunset in the background. We tossed the yu sheng, and ate to our hearts' content. I was delighted with the chunks of beef and pork at the buffet line. I munched with glee and savoured every little morsel of the meat. I think I took at least five servings of each meat. I looked very much like a carnivore! It was also a pleasant surprise to see some of the chefs formerly from Raffles Hotel all working there. For a moment, I had five chefs, all in tall hats, standing in front of me and shaking my free hand. They asked where I was working, said it was nice to see me, said Fullerton is the number one hotel now.... etc.... I swore they were staring at the plate which I was carrying with the other hand. It was filled with chunks of beef and pork, drowned with black pepper sauce and chilli sauce. I felt embarassed for a moment. It looked like I had taken too much beef and there were five chefs interrogating me of my steal!

The eating continued. After the visit to my uncle's home, we came back home, had a three hour nap before heading off to my granduncle's home for dinner.. yes, more food! My uncle was making me try this cookie, and that kueh, and this tart, and that pastry. And just as I thought I was done, my grandaunt called out that dinner was ready! And so, we ate again... I came back home feeling very very bloated and thirsty. I think there was too much salt in her food... whatever...

And just as you thought the eating had stopped, my mum and brother decided to drop by Swensen's on the way home. We got a pint of ice-cream, proceeded home and had that and other kueh kueh at 10.30pm over green tea!

It was way past midnight, but I couldn't sleep. I felt my stomach bursting. I wondered why I ever did torture myself with so much food. Why do we Singaporeans eat and not stop? Why does food always bring people together?

I spoke with Wendy over the phone, who told me she was eating non-stop too. We decided to do some form of exercise the next day (i.e. today). We had it all planned. We were careful not to speak too loud lest the sky should hear us. But our efforts were in vain. I got up this morning and looked at the sky. Yesterday's blue sky had disappeared. In its place were thick grey clouds, ready to release litres of water. Soon, big drops of water came pouring down. Our exercise plans were spoilt!

Tomorrow, my family will have our close friends over for dinner. The usual gang will be here, eating again. My mum has had a full menu planned... I just finished making agar agar. Tomorrow, I will have to get up early to steam yam cake. My mum will get the remaining ingredients for the popiah. We have a total of 15 dishes to serve, excluding all the new year cookies and the chocolates I have been popping in my mouth. I think we have too much food. The thought of it gives me indigestion. But I love feeding my friends, and so does my mum... hence the food.

Oh well, we are thankful CNY comes only once a year. Before leaving my granduncle's home yesterday, he reminded us to go to his home again on the 15th day of CNY... there will be yet another feast.

Chinese New Year - it just spells food for me. I love it, yet I hate it. Can some smart scientist please invent some gene to implant in all women, that we can eat all we want, and yet not put on an ounce? If only...

The Cookie Thief

My guidance and couselling tutor shared with us this poem last week. It teaches us not to jump into conclusion and to check our facts first before making assumptions... It's called The Cookie Thief

The Cookie Thief

A woman was waiting at an airport one night
With several long hours before her flight
She hunted for a book in the airport shop
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop

She was engrossed in her book, but happened to see,
That the man beside her, as bold as could be,
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between,
Which she tried to ignore, to avoid a scene.

She read, munched the cookies,a nd watched the clock,
As the gutsy "cookie thief" diminished her stock,
She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice, I'd blacken his eye!"

With each cookie she took, he took one too.
When only one was left, she wondered what he'd do.
With a smile on his face and a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie and broke it in half.

He offered her half, as he ate the other.
She snatched it from him and thought, "Oh brother,
This guy has some nerve, and he's also rude,
Why, he didn't even show any gratitude!"

She didn't know when she had been so galled,
And sighed with relief when her flight was called.
She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate,
Refusing to look back at the "thieving ingrate."

She boarded the plane and sank in her seat,
Then sought her book, which was almost complete.
As she reached her baggage, she gasped with surprise:
There was her bag of cookies in front of her eyes!

"If mine are here," she moaned with despair,
"Then the others were his and he tried to share!"
Too late to apologise, she realised with grief,
That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief!

(From a 3rd serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul)

Thanks for the poem

The poem that Pris wrote made me realise that I am not the only one who feel lonely and heavy hearted sometimes. I am sure all of you have felt like that some time or other in your part of your life. The poem also brings me back to my secondary school days, when Pris and I would pen down our thoughts and feelings in stanzas, trying to make things rhyme. We told ourselves that we'd compile a book of poems some time soon. When we left school, I stopped the poem-writing. I guess Pris continued. Now, she's got me going again.

I skipped my Spanish class proudly yesterday. Didn't even feel a sense of guilt. I was psychologically unprepared, and so, I decided not to go. I felt happy that I had saved myself the trauma of feeling small and like an idiot again. Yesterday during English class, I had successfully memorised the numbers one to ten in Spanish. Slowly, but surely, I know I will get there...

Cake-baking continued last night at home. My mum watched with glee as I did the finishing touches of the sugee cake. I covered the cake with marzipan, and even made little mandarin oranges (complete with leaves) and red packets to be placed on top of the cake. My granduncle and grandaunt will be happy people today. They thoroughly enjoy the sugee cake I bake, and look forward to it every Chinese New Year. My mum has two loaves of the cake in the fridge. She looked pleased with her stash last night. I think in her head, she was mentally rationing the cake, thinking how much to eat per day so that there will be some left for guests when they come on Saturday.

Pris wrote me a beautiful email last night that brought me to tears. I was confused and needed someone to give me an objective point of view. As usual, she has never failed to provide that. What she wrote touched my heart, and set me thinking straight again. I feel much better now. I feel that I am moving on with life.

I start the day today with a lighter heart. With sincere prayers, I know things will show its way soon...

Fixed the problem...

Finally, I found out what happened to make my comments facility disappear. Apparently, the Blogspeak that I've been using has closed down, and has been takem over by Haloscan... and so, all the past comments which you all posted have disappeared. The good news is that you all can post your comments once again. The bad news is that the colour is not that attractive, and I have no control over it.. Oh well, as they say in Hokkien.. "No fish, prawn also can".

I don't believe school has started for a week already. I am still in a holiday mood. In stark contrast to last semester, I feel so switched off this semester. Perhaps it's cos I haven't really got over the holidays yet, and in my mind, I'm thinking - hey Chinese New Year's just around the corner.. then it's Hari Raya Haji! Holidays, holidays, holidays.. Or it's perhaps I have gotten used to the work load, or perhaps, I feel I don't have to prove myself so hard anymore... or perhaps, I just have other things on my mind.

I had a good dinner over the weekend with Pris, Lee Yee and Gary. Gary's my junior at St Hilda's. We went over to Pris's place and had hor fun, hokkien mee, satay, sweet and sour pork, and baby kailan soaked in oyster sauce... Of course, there was nachos too! It was good just lazing about in her home and playing with baby Keith. Over the weekend, Pris and I have learnt the art of speaking "babynish" - otherwise known as baby language. Keith was all so excited with his eyes bright open at 11pm, talking to us in his own language. He went on louder and louder as Pris and I entertained him with.. "Is it?" "And then?" "Oh..." "Is that what happened?" "ngah.. ngah.. ngah,.." "oooh..." "Yah.. yah.." You get the idea... Gary couldnt' do anything much except tolerate all the cooing three women were doing with a cute baby. He rolled his eyes and shook his head... I guess in his mind, he must have said.. "Women...!"

Roy was away for a dive trip, and so Pris was all alone. It was good for the side dishes to come back to the main platter. Mushy peas over the weekend with fries as fish was away. But it all tasted just as good... right, Pris? ;-) Now that Pris is staying closer to Lee Yee and I, meeting up is just so convenient - just all swell! I really missed them when I was in Sydney...

As I am typing on this blog, I am torn in between helping my mum make pineapple tarts, blogging, filling up some entry form, and of course, revising Spanish. Yes, I dread the lesson now. In my mind, I have pictures of my tutor asking me questions, and I answer with a blank face. In my head, the pictures continue with the rest of my coursemates knowing everything in Spanish. In my head, I feel like an idiot. I know if Uncle Joel was around, he'll tell me to use NLP. The power of visualising.... I should push out all of those negative thoughts out of my head. I should make active all the positive thoughts.. OK, Deborah.. Think positive!!! Trying... Breathe...

And so, the tension continues as I decide what to do, and yes, I remember that Law & Order is on in about 4 minutes time. The temptation of the TV is too great. I give in to it. For tomorrow's lesson, I shall learn the all important phrase in Spanish - lo ciento. me no entiendo... "I'm sorry, I don't understand." :)

Hope you have a good week ahead!

Some glitches... and some updates

Hmm... It seems the new year has brought on new glitches to my blogsite. Somehow, the comments part decided to go missing, and the site has been in accessible to a few people. When I came back from Sydney, I couldn't even get onto my blog!

And so, here's what I've decided to do. If you wish to post me your comments, just send me an email. You can find a link to my email address just at the left hand margin above the train counter. It's called "send me your thoughts". I figured that will be the best way out until I find out what happened to the comments thingy.

I can't believe Chinese New Year is less than a week away. Didn't Christmas just pass? My room is still in a mess, and I can't quite reckon why. Papers here and there, things are not in order, and I feel uncomfortable. I managed to pack up my cupboards and wardrobe today. I WILL clean up my room by tomorrow, then meet Pris and Lee Yee for dinner, play with my Godson again (yipee!), and if time permits, bake a cake and some brownies for my mum. She's been hinting big time that I should bake something for CNY. Hmmm.. How can you ever say no to your mum?

Well, it is no big secret now that Pam is attached to Ian. I am probably the happiest person, having played matchmaker. I guess nothing beats seeing two of your friends happily attached to each other. Things are going on really well for them, and I am really glad for both of them. Hmm... it's always nice to see people fall in love...

Some things have been on my mind lately - the challenge I mentioned in my poem for one. Just being myself, and all so analytical again, I was thinking just now, and am amazed at how this thing keeps flying in my face. Three times now, and I am still pondering why this opportunity keeps coming back. It seems like it's calling me to take action. I think I will, but I will have a talk with Pris first. On one hand, it feels so right, on the other, I am apprehensive about taking the leap. I think I will need to gather enough courage again, and the confidence to tell myself that I am worthy.

Monday is coming, and I loathe the idea of Spanish class. I have not made much progress and the thought of not knowing anything again in class scares the hell out of me. I can't help but feel demoralised, discouraged, and somewhat dumb. Me no entiendo espanol.... :(

Oh well... Time.. All I need is time...

A Challenge

A challenge faces me
Am I to take the plunge?
To seize the day
To shout Carpe Diem
Will I take the jump?

I have lived my life
Worrying not about "what ifs"
This time should not be different
Why should I pull myself back?
Why should I give this a miss?

And so I ask myself
What is there to lose
If I should take the chance once more
I could stand to gain this time
And not lose like before

Sure I have had my share
Of tears and hurts and pain
It is not something
I'd like to feel once more
It is not something I'd like to feel again

But I will not experience life to its fullest
I will not stand to gain
If I keep pushing away opportunities at the door
Out of sheer fear
Of what had happened before

And as I gather all the courage that I've left
I take a deep breath of renewed confidence
I put all that has happened behind me
And start with a clean slate
I open my fragile heart once more
With freshly healed wounds
I brave myself to be vulnerable again
So that I may
Experience
The fullness
of
LIFE
and
LOVE

Deborah Anne Chew

Masks

I am thoroughly enjoying my Guidance and Counselling class. My tutor is dear young lady bursting with infectious energy and enthusiasm to share her knowledge with us. And she does so with her sweet simplicity, so much so that she makes it seem as though the module is really easy!

What I like most about the sessions so far is that she shares with us a little poem at the end of the lesson, so that what we have learnt gets driven into our heads better. For the first lesson, she shared with hus this poem called "Masks: An Epilogue". This is how it goes...

MASKS: AN EPILOGUE

Don’t be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a thousand masks,
And none of them are me.
Don’t be fooled, for God’s sake, don’t be fooled.

I give you the impression that I’m secure, that confidence is my name and
Coolness is my game,
And that I need no one. But don’t believe me.

Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in aloneness, in fear.
That is why I create a mask to hide behind, to shield me from the glance
That knows, but such a glance is precisely my salvation.

That is, if it’s followed by acceptance, if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from my own self-built prison walls.
I’m afraid that deep down I’m nothing and that I’m just no good,
And that you will see this and reject me.

And so begins the parade of masks. Idle chatter to you…
I tell you everything, that’s really nothing, and
Nothing of what’s everything, of what’s crying within me.

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m saying.
I’d really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and ME.
But you’ve got to help me. You’ve got to hold out your hand.

Each time you’re kind and gentle, and encouraging,
Each time you try to understand because you really care,
My heart begins to grow wings, very feeble wings, but wings.

With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding,
You alone can release me from my shallow world of uncertainty.
It will not be easy for you. The nearer you approach me,
The blinder I may strike back.

But love I’m told is stronger than strong walls,
And in this lies my hope, my only hope.
Please try to beat down these walls with firm hands,
But gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder, I am every man you meet, and
Also every woman that you meet, and I am YOU, also.

Author Unknown

I guess what it teaches us is that anyone we meet, the people we interact with, and perhaps more so with the students I am to teach in the future - all of them (and us, in fact) will at one time or other don a mask - a mask to hide our true inner self. I can empathise deeply with the author. I myself have had my fair share of masks. I change these masks ever so often to suit the occasion, to suit who I am with, and only when I am most comfortable with someone, do I reveal my true self.

What it has taught me is that, what we see in the outer shell of someone, may just be a mask we see. Do we take the time, do we have the patience? Do we ever take notice, and hear the helpless cry of the real person behind these masks? Think about it when we next meet someone. Do we take the time and effort, to hear the inner cry, to realise the real person behind the mask?

My Spanish Class

Yesterday was a long day at school. I had lessons from 8.30am til 4.30am followed by Spanish class at 7pm til 9.30pm. My heart dropped and my confidence was torn in shreds at the class. Having missed two lessons (cos I was in Sydney), I felt totally lost. I tried to prepare by reading a little of the course materials before class, but I was totally lost. I had even forgotten what I had learnt at the first lesson!

And so, the lesson continued. The teacher tried to be patient. He asked me to listen to the rest as he asked them question after question, all in Spanish.. and they answered fluently and with confidence. It seemed over the two lessons that I had missed, the rest of my classmates had formed alliances and made friends with each other. I felt that I'd be the next person to be voted out had I been on Survivor.

I ploughed through the two hours plus of Spanish class, trying to absorb as much as possible. Everyone seem to know everything - and I looked like a complete idiot... almost an alien. The tutor was nice by asking me simple questions, and I answered simply... I thought I only did well by saying the alphabet correctly - but even then, I read from the book, not by heart.

I left the class with a sunken heart. Am I really that bad? Should I have signed up for the class in the first place? Maybe I shouldn't have had I known I would be missing out on two lessons. Maybe I should have signed up with someone else so I have someone to practise with... Maybe.. And so thoughts filled my head, and with an embarassed smile, I said "thanks" to my tutor. Before I left the class, he told me "I hope you don't give up. You must keep trying."

OK - try I will. My mum was equally encouraging when I told her about last night's class. "Of course, la.. You missed two lessons. Don't worry. You can do it."

With renewed confidence, I picked up the Spanish book Caroline lent me. I carried it with me to school today and it is almost my constant reading companion. Over and over again, I read and re-read the Spanish phrases. I know I can do it, if I try hard enough.

Back from Sydney!

I am finally back, and based on the feedback I am getting, I think all of you have been visiting my blog daily, awaiting news on how the trip went. Well, for starters, I fell sick during the trip, so it made it less enjoyable. It didn't help that the Aussie dollar became stronger against all currencies as the days progressed, so it made everything there less attractive to buy.

I did learn a few things on the trip though, so not all is wasted. And I did manage to climb the Sydney harbour bridge - yes, we made it to the top! Hunter Valley was perfect - the cottage which we stayed in was magical - just as we saw it on the web. I made sure I had a good nice long warm soak in the bath tub - truly heavenly!

Grace and I were proud of ourselves for finding our way to Hunter Valley and back to Sydney city centre without much hiccups. The drive took us about two hours plus each way, with Grace behind the wheel and me with three different maps to figure out which road to take. It was really an eye-opening experience!

I fell sick when I reached Sydney city after the two nights at Hunter Valley. The throat was sore, and that made me avoid all kinds of heaty food, and downing lots of juices instead - which were cheaper than bottled water! So, it wasn't that fun cos I couldn't eat all the "chow-tah" food I loved... and chocolates... and chips... :( I even broke out with fever, used up all the medication I bought, and did all I could to recover, but to no avail. Even on the flight back to Singapore, I was sniffing and sneezing. Medication in Sydney was expensive, so I refused to contribute further to their economy. And so I suffered...

This was probably the only trip I've taken (disregarding all the unenjoyable trips to the country north of us) that made me really miss Singapore. My eyes filled with tears as I looked out of the window on the plane and saw the millions of lights dotting the Singapore skyline. I felt "this is HOME". And so I started taking stock of the things in Singapore I've taken for granted and missed...

1. That I could drink tap water and it tastes good - yes, even if it's mixed with NEW water.
2. That I didn't have to multiply everything by 1.3 to know how much something costs.
3. That chicken costs half the price here.
4. That Fuji apples here are twice as big and half as cheap.
5. That fresh broccoli here is cheaper and nicer.
6. That I could tap my EZ link card
7. That transportation here is much cheaper.
8. That medication here is really really more affordable.
9. That we have nicer TV shows.
10. That we have nicer fireworks.

I really really missed things such as..

1. Soya Bean Milk - and I don't mean the Yeos packet drink kind that the island down under sells at $3.50 for a six-pack!
2. Cheap food
3. Green Tea!
4. MEAT - cos it was so expensive there!

Suddenly, when I was there, I felt all so patriotic to my country. Maybe it was the civil servant in me shining. I felt so grateful for our government for making Singapore it is today. I felt so proud to be a Singaporean! In my head, I was singing the national anthem, I was reciting the pledge, I was singing all kinds of national day songs. It was as if the all the red t-shirts I brought along with me were testimony to my allegiance to my country. I AM SINGAPOREAN!

I am sorry Grace that I was harping almost throughout the trip that I miss Singapore. I hope you don't take it personally. It's not you. It's really the things I miss in Singapore...

Before I left for Sydney, I told myself that I would enjoy this trip as much as I could before I embark on the stressful teaching career. I came back disheartened. I didn't enjoy it as much I would like to (like I did in Hawaii). I didn't meet some hunk, fall in love, inherit a vineyard, nor did I bask in the sun at the all so famous Bondi beach. Nor did I get cheap buys not to be found in Singapore, nor did I come back radiant with a pink glow on my cheeks. Instead, I came back with over-ripe mangoes, almost melted chocolates, and 5kg of cherries for my mum. On top of that, I inherited the Sydney flu, and transformed into an insensitive monster for my travel partner. I came back in a total wreck - a mess.

And now as I gather and look back of all that I've experienced, I am thankful for Sydney - for showing me the things I have taken for granted, for letting me love Singapore more, and most of all, to show me how insensitive and awful I can be at times. I was speaking to Pamela and she told me "When something is bothering you, why don't you deal with it there and there. Just say it." I thought through it, and think - she's right. I think I'd make the trip more enjoyable if I had spoken and said it out, instead of wearing my emotions on my sleeve, and let others do the guessing.

I think I have lots to learn. I still feel that I am in a mess right now. But I know - the new year has begun. It is symbolic of a fresh start for me. Slowly but surely, I know I will figure all these things out.

To Grace - I am sorry the trip was not as good as it should be. If the clock could be turned back, I'm sure I'd do things differently.

Thanks for Sydney... Thanks for Singapore...

Off to Sydney

The blog will be taking a break for about 10 days as the Starfish makes its way down under... but you can be sure if I have convenient internet access, I'd be blogging to update you on my travel experiences. I'd be back in Singapore on 6 January. In the meantime, take care, have a great new year, and see you all soon!

The Wedding Speech

This was the "speech" I came up with at Priscilla's wedding. I had less than an hour to prepare it... I think I'd done better with more time, probably even make Pris and Roy cry! :)

Good evening, family, relatives and friends of Priscilla and Roy. It is an honour and pleasure to speak about Priscilla to all of you this evening.

I have been friends with Priscilla since Primary One. Til today, I cherish the fond memory of the day when our Primary One form teacher, Mrs Goh, partnered the both of us together as we were of the same height. From then on, we were like peanut butter and jelly, or fish and chips – almost inseparable.

And though we went on leading our own separate lives after secondary school – I went to the junior college, and Priscilla to the polytechnic – me to NUS, and Pris to Sheffield U, we still kept very much in touch. And though we may not have met as often, we remained close at heart.

But enough said about us. Let me speak a little more about the blushing bride tonight.

When I think of Priscilla, I think of a woman of patience, kindness, humility and subtle strength. She has never failed to be a friend to me in my time of need, or just lend a listening ear. Over the years, I have learnt a lot from her, through her advice, and by her example. Of course, I have also never failed to envy her beauty – long eye lashes, perfect porcelain skin, lanky legs, silky black hair…and the list goes on. In my heart, I told myself – whoever marries her will be a real lucky man.

And so, when Priscilla broke the news to me earlier this year that she was going to marry her first love, Roy, I could not conceal my joy for her. I have seen them look at each other in the eyes when they were dating, hold each other’s hands, speak softly and lovingly to each other – I could see that they were very much in love with each other. If anything, I saw that Priscilla was the most comfortable, and most herself when she’s with Roy. Indeed, if I could boldly say it, I think they brought out the best in each other.

Roy told me one day, when we were preparing for their wedding, that it was a dream come true for him to marry Priscilla. The tone of his voice told me that he really loved her, and that he would cherish her for the rest of his life.

And as I see them take their wedding vows today, I smile as I see the happiness and love in their eyes. They have embarked on a new journey together, and I wish them both all God’s choicest blessings from above. I know and believe with God showering his love over them, together with their love for each other, they will lead a fulfilling married life.

Priscilla – I now take a bow out of the platter of fish and chips, or in the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and take on the role of a side dish instead. Because you and Roy now make up the perfect classic combination of champagne and caviar – and I couldn’t be happier.

Congratulations, Roy & Pris – I love you both!

Pictures!

Here's some kodak moments of the wedding...

Day time ...

Evening ....

What a weekend!

My mum's delayed flight
My mum's flight was delayed by 3 hours. So, instead of picking her up at the airport at 2355 on the Saturday, Grace and I had to sacrifice our sleep and pick her up at 3am at the airport. She had with her two huge luggage, a hand-carry and a harversack, plus some last minute duty free shopping. I wondered if she brought back the whole of Canada.

Of course, she was excited and happy to see us. Both of us on the other hand, were wondering if we could catch any sleep. Apparently not. As my mum unpacked bag by bag, she gave both of us a running commentary of what she bought, where she bought it from, how much it costs, and what a bargain she had. Then came the not so nice stories of being bored in Canada, and how frustrated she was, and how home-sick she was. She didn't quite get the hint when we both told her we needed to get to Priscilla's wedding the next day. All we could do was to sit there in the kitchen as she emptied her bags, and have the whole kitchen and living room strewn with clothes and foreign goods.

As the clock ticked away, I resigned to the fact that I was not going to get any sleep at all. I needed to get to Pris's home by 8am. Grace will be giving me a lift there, so we'd leave at 7.30am. That meant I had to start packing my stuff and get prepared by 6am. I looked at the clock - 5.34am. I said "Mum, I'm gonna catch 40 winks. Have to be up at 6am to prepare to get to Priscilla's wedding" "No, no", she insisted. "I still have some more things to show you." Oh well. How can you say no to your mum whom you've not seen for a month, right?

And so, Grace and I stayed with her for a while. My eyes could not take it anymore. "Bye mum" I said. "I need sleep. I'll be at Pris wedding the whole day." "Aiyo, so poor thing", she sympathised. Grace and I went to the room to sleep. I kept the lights on as I knew if I had them switched off, I'd oversleep.

I was awakened by a "click". Mum had switched off my room light. I looked at the clock. 6.05am. I needed to be up. I asked my mum why she switched off the light. "No, lah.. Go, go sleep properly." "No, mum. I have to be at Pris's home by 8am. I have to get up now". "Aiyo - so poor thing. I didn't know." I rolled my eyes in exasperation in my head. Didn't I tell her???!!!

Oh well.

Priscilla's Wedding
I must have been on an adrenalin high cos I was fully awake throughout the day. Lee Yee and I had a fun time making fun of Roy - asking him to create a love poem in Mandarin, and having him eat lemons. Martin was such a dear best man. Helped Roy gobble up almost he whole lemon! Then we moved on from place to place for the tea ceremonies, and finally to the hotel.

I was tasked with saying something about Priscilla at the eleventh hour. Martin thought I'd be the best person to speak. I was shocked, excited, honoured, and really having a mental block. I had only about an hour to think of what I was going to say. A quarter of my mind wanted the bed badly, the other two quarters were planning the logistics of things for the dinner that evening. The last quarter was wondering what to say. I could only think with a PC in front of me, so I called Grace to bring her laptop down. I'm so thankful she did. I don't think I'd be able to come up with anything if I had to rely on plain ol pen and paper!

And so, I gave my little "speech" after the solemnization. Priscilla was surprised. She thought I was going to "sabo" her. But I nearly made her cry. She said she was glad I stopped, or she'd have... Damn! If I had known a day earlier I had to speak, I'm sure I'd make her cry!!

The wedding was really beautiful. Simple and elegant. Two long rows of close friends and loved ones feasting on beef and fish at Chijmes. Roses, cinnamon sticks and pretty ribbons were all part of the theme of the wedding. Everyone was relaxed and mingling with each other. Soft laughters were heard, and smiles were seen at every corner. Dim orange lighting complemented the flickering flames from the gold and white candles. All these against the background of jazz music. Awww... what could have been better? I guess what made it all beautiful was that I was sharing in the joy and love of two beautiful people.

I had a bad gastric attack during the wedding, and so was not able to savour the food. (What a waste!!). And so after the dinner, after downing two gastric pills, I headed with Wendy to the nearby 7-11 for a hot cup of milo. She bought nachos, which we brought back to the hotel room at Raffles the Plaza (Wendy booked the room), sat at the balcony, ate and spoke til my eyes couldn't take it no more. I finally succumed to the nice fluffy pillows at 2.30am.

The morning after
I woke up the next morning feeling sick. My throat felt sore. I could feel the undigested nachos in my stomach still. I felt feverish, then I started to sneeze. Wendy and I went out for breakfast at Purvis street. I was downing lots of water and green tea to "cool" myself down. But it didn't seem to work. So, after that, I went to the nearest pharmacy where I got a pack of decolgen.

When we went back to the hotel, the sun was peeking through the clouds. That made Wendy a little happier - she could tan. I chased her to the pool, while I downed two pills with lots of water and headed back for the bed. I must have slept for less than half an hour when I was awakened by the sound of my vibrating phone. It was mum. She was on the way to the hotel. I must have been really sound asleep cos I missed three other calls and two messages. I still felt sick.

Pris and Roy came over soon after to collect their "money bag" which I kept for them. Mum decided to update them with the latest "news" from Canada. I was in a daze. The decolgen was beginning to set in... Maybe the lack of sleep as well. I was zoning out.. All I thought of was sleep.

Pris and Roy left for lunch and mum decided to go shopping. I finally got some sleep. The two hours of sleep I had was good. I felt much better after I woke up. Wendy came back from her tan and spa. After a bath, we both went out for lunch. I must have been really hungry or really greedy cos I ate lots. When I reached home after we checked out, I was still hungry. Ate another two peanut butter sandwiches before leaving for my Spanish class.

Spanish Class
When I signed up for the class, the girl told me that the tutor is a charming man. I didn't expect him to be young as well - and eligible? Hmm... OK. Enough said. Spanish class was fun although my head was still heavy from the cold and effects of decolgen. Hola Amigo! Over two and a half hours, all 12 of us in class made a fool out of ourselves as we tried to grapple with the new language. Too bad I'd be in Sydney for the next two lessons, so I'd have to revise on my own and see less of the tutor! Cute guy!

What a weekend... I am tired. But it was all worth it cos I feel happy.

My doctor
I saw my doctor again today. He's back from his leave. He looks happy. He said I'm all OK. He checked my aching wrist and said it's probably a strain. He doesn't recommend I go rock climbing though.. He also said he'd be having his own clinic soon and will let me know when he does. He took down my email address. I walked out of the clinic a happy girl. I don't know why. I just feel happy.

It's just past midnight. It's officially Christmas Eve now. I have a dinner at my granduncle's home tonight. Mum's going to surprise them cos none of them knows she's back yet. After that, Grace, my mum, bother and I will go for midnight Mass.

Christmas is coming, and I just love it!

Merry Christmas.. or as they say it in Spanish - Feliz Navidad!

Just Words

TIRED. SLEEPY. BLOATING. HAPPY. EXCITED. ADRENALIN RUSH. BUSY.

So much to do. Not enough time.

Do less, expect less? Or push harder, do it all?

That's how I'm feeling now...

Oh! So Tired...!

The platform in my room is no longer a bed for me to laze on. It is lined with pretty wedding booklets and place cards, all adorned with olive green ribbons and cinnamon sticks. I laid them all out nicely, like paddy on a field. Thanks to Wendy who came by yesterday to tie the remaining ribbons while I busied myself with perfecting each and every booklet and place card. Bending down to tie them all was back-breaking, but at the end of it all, it was all worth it. I can't help but smile and feel a sense of accomplishment and shy pride each time I walk into my room. It's finally all done - except for putting a score line on each place card so it'll be easier to fold later.

My eyes are beginning to be surrounded by a shadow of grey. Little saggy pouches sit comofortable below my eyes. As I juggle cleaning the house, preparing for Christmas, perfecting Pris and Roy's wedding, meeting up with old friends and now doing the arrangements for my mum's return, I feel tired - very tired. The lack of sleep makes my body ache and weak. All I want to do is to lie down for a whole day in a soft, white comfortable bed, listening to the sounds of Steve Tyrell. But I can't. Each time I try to catch 40 winks, the adrenalin rush in me stops me from falling asleep. A million thoughts go through my head as I mentally go through a list of things I should be doing. Before I know it, I'm up again, doing things. The body is tired, but the mind is not!

I hope I will have a good break at Sydney. Half the time, or rather most of the time, I forget I'd be going there! There's just so many things to do that the trip seems to be the last thing on my mind. As I type, I remember that I've got Spanish classes next Monday... And I have yet to send out to my salsa classmates the list of emails and addresses I've compiled. We're supposed to go somewhere sometime to practise our steps.. Oh no.. think I forgot them all!

My mum called this morning. She sounded a whole lot better. Apparently, she talked her way out by a white lie to come back to Singapore early. Guess she really miss home, and wanted to come back badly. It makes me wonder... if I go overseas to study, will I miss home? Hmmm..

And so, in preparation of my mum's return tomorrow late at night, I have yet another long list of things to do before she gets back. Cleaning the house is at the top of the list.. ironing clothes, doing the laundry... and the list goes on. My brother said we should be using as much soft toilet paper as possible cos when mum gets back, she'll change it to the cheaper rough one... I said don't worry.. I bought 18 rolls of it. We can still use it when she gets back!

My brother is in a cheery mood. He comes up with all kinds of corny jokes and harmless insults on what to do with mum when she gets back.. "How about we leave all the housework to her?" he asked.. "maybe she's not been doing it there, that's why she misses home.." I try to stifle my agreement. My mum is one person who cannot keep still for long. She needs to do things. She's like an ant.. small, but always busy. Guess that's why she's so bored in ol' laid back Canada! She should be in New York!

Oh well, the countdown begins. I'd better type my last few words and move my hands away from the keyboard and towards the new $30 mop I so proudly got when mum was away. Tonight I have a dinner with my ex-colleagues at Raffles Hotel. Haven't seen them for more than a year!

Good day to you, as the starfish steps down to be plain ol' Maria again...

My mum

It's 2am in the morning, and I can't sleep. My mum just called. She didn't sound right.

She called me up yesterday morning, asking me to get the next flight back to Singapore. She said she missed home, and wasn't enjoying herself. I called Japan Airlines, called her travel agent, and called Simon - my usual travel agent. Simon managed to get her an earlier flight back into Singapore that sees her arriving on Christmas eve. I was elated that I did all of that, considering JAL and her travel agent said all flights were full. I thought she'd be happy. But when I called her just two hours ago, she sounded dazed, almost drugged.

She took down the details that I told her, and said she'd have her tickets changed. But less than an hour after I called her, and less than 15 minutes after I decided to go to bed, I was awoken by the ringing of the telephone. It was mum. She said she called the airline office over her side, and they could get her a flight back into Singapore this Saturday night. I need to call Simon later today to release the booking on this side, so that she can pick it up on her side. Again, she didn't sound right. She spoke in monosyllabic words, almost incoherent. I asked if she was OK. She said she was. But I could sense her voice was breaking into tears, but I don't know why.

I felt helpless as I tried to get back to sleep. Questions raced through my head, wondering why she wanted to come back so soon. She said she wasn't enjoying herself. She said she felt "stifled". I wondered what could have gone wrong. Mixed emotions filled my heart as I said "bye" to her on the phone. I was sad and angry. I just don't like to see my mum cry.

My heart softens for my mum. I love her too much. I've seen her suffer as she brought me and my brother up, and I made a promise to myself that when I can, I'd make life as meaningful and fulfilling as possible. Now that I am working, the tables are turned as I take over the role of taking care of my mum. I let her enjoy the finer things in life when I can afford it. It is a simple sacrifice compared to what she has gone through. It makes me happy to see her happy. I've seen her cry too many times. Probably that's why I hate to see her cry... It just brings back bad memories.

I hope mum is OK. I hope her spirits will be lifted as she packs in preparation to come back home. I hope that she'll smile again when she sees my brother and I. I look forward to hugging her, and welcoming her back home. I do miss her.

If I could have a wish for Christmas, I wish that my mum will be the happiest person on earth this Christmas. I hope that's not too much to ask for.

Cinnamon and Ribbons

Yesterday, Priscilla came over to my place to help tie ribbons of the cinnamon sticks which will be stuck onto the booklets. We tied 90 sticks in all. Will need to go out today to get the remaining 60 sticks. The sticks are all nicely laid out in my room, looking pretty and ready to adorn the nice CD-sized booklets for Priscilla and Roy's wedding this Sunday. I can't wait! The room smells faintly of cinnamon... sweet and spicy - just like the couple. :)

The website's doing great. I finally did up the trial templates. The meeting on Sunday was really fruitful. Almost five hours of discussion has led us to expand the website further, and even exploring on the idea of creating modules of Catholic instruction which people can download, and even making it user-friendly such that even the blind can access the web. I left the meeting feeling good. This is what I call a sense of fulfilment that no money can buy.

The next few days will see me running around from place to place. Preparing for Pris and Roy's wedding, following up on the website, and preparing for Christmas. My calendar's all filled up. I almost forgot I am flying off to Sydney after Christmas! There seems to be so much left to do! But in a way, I like it all. Keeping busy fills my life with meaning. Maybe that's why some people never seem to stop and rest.

My brother has been so wonderful these days. Cheery, jovial, and caring in his own special way. Indeed, I feel so fortunate that I have a brother I can talk to and care for. When I was younger, I used to ask - why not a sister. I've always wanted an older sister... But as years pass, I'm glad I've got my brother. Yes, I do pamper him, but hey, he's so nice, how can I not??!!

This week's the third week of Advent. We lit the pink candle of the advent wreath. It represents Joy. Truly... with the wedding, and Christmas approaching, and looking forward to spending time with all my loved ones - I do feel a sense of Joy. I hope you feel the Joy of the season too...

:)

Yesterday and Today

It was a hectic day yesterday. Was zooming about from place to place... Home, dance class, wedding at St Teresa's Church, had a hair cut, IKEA.... Was up late churning out the Christmas List for relatives... And up again early this morning to do some household chores before Mass and later for the website meeting. I hope they will all like the design I did.

Just a quick thought for today - something I read from the latest issue of ELLE:

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." - African-American author and poet laureate Maya-Angelou

As I sign off, I'm thinking.... "This is probably the shortest blog I've ever written." Have a good Sunday!

Dream a dream ... and make it real

The line came from someone else's blog. I visited the blog often but it didn't really hit me as hard as it did a few nights back. Again, I was re-evaluating my life, and wondered what my dreams were. If you recall, sometime back, I was feeling as though there was no direction in life. I felt lost, wondering where I was going. In short, I felt blind. I am glad to say that as I slowly thought through things, and spoke with a few people, I think I have found direction again by looking back at my dreams.

Dreams are often forgotten. As we move on in life, we discount them as difficult to attain - or even impossible. We chide ourselves for being unrealistic. We learn to be pragmatic. Life is difficult enough. Why make it more so by trying to fulfil a dream that's so hard to attain? And so, we push aside our dreams, deeming them to be impossibilities only found in others' lives.

Perhaps I've been pushing aside my dreams for too long - so long that I have since forgotten about them.

And so now, with renewed enthusiasm to make my dream come true, I feel empowered and determined. I have found direction. Of course, like everything else, I know that life will bring me ups and downs that will not make the journey a simple one. But these will be lessons for me to learn, to make me a better person, to teach me how life is supposed to be. And I know that at the end of all this, when my dream is fulfilled, I know that it'll all be worth it.

I have dreamt a dream. Now, I am going to make it real. To you who said that - a big thank you.

The website and a Singing Telegram

I think Fr Heng and his novices' prayers are working. Yesterday was a productive day. Somehow, I managed to get everything for the website working. Even learnt new techniques, and played around with the designs. I am impressed by what I have done so far. My only reservation is whether or not they will like the new colour scheme which I have chosen. I used to use the sepia tones with shades of warm gray and deep red. Now, I kept the sepia tones, but have matched it with olive and deep green instead. A few pale yellow highlights here and there. Overall, I think it looks pretty neat. Now, I am motivated to do the rest of the pages. :)

Grace Wan came by yesterday to deliver my long-awaited birthday present from herself, the other Grace, Wendy, Priscilla and Lee Yee. She came by late at night, and delivered my present with a song and dance. She introduced herself as the "Singing Telegram", and did a Happy Belated Birthday song - Marilyn Monroe meets Para Para style - and yes, she did it all - with the raspy voice and coy dance routine at the void deck of my flat! The present came in a little genie bottle -a voucher for any dance class at Jitterbugs! Ah.. and I was just about to sign up for some Yogalates or Pilates class there. Now I can do it - all paid! Thanks, guys!! You guys really kept me in suspense and wondering for a long tim! Happy, happy Deb... :)

Sent an SMS to Max yesterday - that man lost his handphone - and all the numbers in it... He replied my SMS with "Is this Deb? Lost my handphone and all the numbers are gone..." I guess I am one of the few lucky people who can remember numbers like that - photographic memory. I have all my bank account numbers in my head... and some credit card ones too. I also have all my home numbers for all the houses I've stayed before! I think if I train hard enough, I may just be able to break some record in the Guiness Book of World Records.

My cooking skills are coming back. I managed to whip up a full meal in less than an hour for my brother yesterday. Thai Spiced Chicken with Potatoes, Ma Po Tou Fu and broccoli. I figured if I get married next time, I can easily whip up a nice home-cooked meal for my husband every day after work. Good... no need to eat MSG-laden hawker food.

The sun is shining brightly today. Maybe I'd go for a swim to give myself a treat since I've been a good girl doing the website yesterday (although I won't say much about the bag of Ruffles I downed while doing it... and the blueberry cake, and the chicken pie...). Or maybe I'd just stay at home and do the web...

Thanks, Uncle Joel for the e-card!

The Lazy in me

Yesterday, Pris and Roy came over to see the design for their wedding programme booklet and the place cards. They came over for lunch - we sat there in my kitchen as Roy devoured his rice with beef, kang kong and eggs, while Pris and I ate salads and nachos. I had my usual chicken sandwich too. We sat and talked and talked and talked... In my mind, I thought - if only life was like this. Just sitting and talking with friends. I guess the "lazy" in me has set in.

Lunch lasted two hours plus as we emptied everything on the table. We then moved on to my room where I showed them the designs for the place cards. Pris fiddled a little with last minute seating arrangements while I decided to give them alternatives to dress up the programme booklet. Finally, we settled on a really nice finishing complete with ribbons and cinnamon sticks. Tomorrow, we'll have to go get the ribbons and the cinnamon sticks... The production line begins!

It was a good afternoon spent with two good friends. :)

Wendy came over in the evening after work. We were supposed to go for a jog, but somehow she was too tired (or lazy?) to. I was too hungry waiting for her to arrive. When I called her up at 8pm, she was still at Katong! I gave up. I ate my dinner without thinking much about the jog. Maybe I was feeling lazy too. Afterall, it rained heavily in the early evening, and the grounds were wet... and we both don't like jogging on wet grounds, remember? :P

Fr Heng called me up last night too. He asked me how the website was coming along. I took in a deep breath and told him "Frankly, I'm stuck." He sounded shocked, lost for words, but managed to ask "What happened?" I told him I was stuck doing the templates and all, and I know I can do it.. Just need lots of prayers and faith. He promised he'd pray extra hard and get his novices to do the same thing... Sure feels funny for me to ask a priest to go pray! I thought it's supposed to be the other way round! I think God has a funny sense of humour sometimes.

Oh - yesterday, I got my exam results back too. Not too bad. I was only disappointed with one module - the psychology one cos I only managed a C for it. I don't understand why. It's a subject that I enjoyed and liked, and am even taking up an elective on guidance and counselling next semester - more psychology! Am I really not good at it, or was it just a case misinterpretation of the assignment? I remember during classes, my classmates and I were so irritated with the tutor cos she kept changing the criteria for the written assignments. We really didn't know what she was looking for in the pieces. In any case, I think I'd get over this soon... I told myself, I have to prove to myself that I can do it!!! I am NOT lousy at psychology!

I finally went back doing the website at 12 midnight yesterday. I am going to continue again today. I hope I can do it this time.

Thought for the day... (Read this in my favourite Fitness magazine, and I thought I should share it with you)

Your truest self. Too often it gets lost amidst self-doubt or other people's expectations. Picture yourself peeling all that away and discovering once more the core within. It is what you started out with, and what you desire; it is who you are and who you can be. Remember it, reclaim it. Because when you act from that place, you can't go wrong.

Go on, find your truest self. I am in search of mine.

The wrist is better

Thanks to all of you who were concerned about the wound on my wrist. It's really much better today. The swell has since gone down, and the wound's a nice flat hole. I protect it with antiseptic plaster for sensitive skin. I figured if you're injured, you might as well dress up your wound neat and nicely. I even got a waterproof plaster to paste over the plaster when I bathe, or wash the dishes. It helps keep the wound dry.

I guess some part of me must have wanted in be a nurse. I find that I have a natural ability to dress and treat wounds nicely. I didn't have any formal training nor did I join any first aid uniformed group, but somehow I find that I am always dressing people's wounds and even knowing what to get from the pharmacy.

I remember years back when I was working in a cafe during the holidays. Someone cut her hand so bad, it was dripping with blood. The cafe was newly opened so they didn't have a first aid kit. I ran to the pharmacy, and grabbed antiseptic wipes, plasters, gauze, wool etc etc... Came back, applied pressure on the wound, washed it, cleaned it, applied some antiseptic powder on it and dressed the wound all up nicely. I did the same thing when the IKEA guy who came by to fix the cabinets in my room. He accidentally drilled onto his hand (silly man!). As I dressed the wound, I noticed there was a real big hole on his hand. He tried to act brave lah, but with that much blood oozing out, he really looked faint. I even made a hot drink for him. I think he was so touched he wanted to date me out! Ha!!! As you may have guessed, yes, I do have a real good first aid kit!

Yesterday was a good day. I managed to rollerblade with Wendy in the afternoon. She was feeling really lazy so it was good that I managed to drag her out of the home. I fell down once yesterday. It was painful but I just picked myself up and bladed on. Kinda what we should do with life, ain't it? When we fall, just pick ourselves up again and move on. Speaking of which, one of the philosophies in my life which I really got out of watching TV (who ever said TV's bad?) "Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising everytime we fall."

TV - I managed to catch Law & Order (SVU) last night again. Good show as usual. Yesterday was a case about how a down syndrome girl was raped - and she didn't even know it cos the rapist (whom they eventually found out was the grocery stall owner who employs such girls) told her (and the rest of the girls he raped - and made them pregnant!) that it was just "exercise"! How sick can that get??!!! Ha! And I even managed to get my brother hooked onto the show now. I am so glad I have cable cos it means I can watch the show on Channel i on Sundays and on Star World on Tuesdays. :)

Some inspirational words that came to my head today....

As the birds chirp on a gloomy Monday morning
I am reminded that despite the troubles we go through
We should be like them
Without worries for the future
Nor regrets from the past
But with hope for today
That the sun will appear
From behind the clouds
And even if it doesn't
We are thankful
That we have today to live for.

Have a good week ahead!

Salsa and a swollen wrist

Today's salsa class day! Time really flies cos next week's the last lesson! Wendy and I are glad we decided to class hop, and join the Saturday class instead. The people in this class are more wacky... kinda like me! Drives the instructor nuts when we're together. As usual, we've had lots of laughs. But the steps are getting trickier, and for some reason, I wasn't concentrating much today. Made quite a lot of mistakes.. but hey, I'm there to have fun, not be a pro!

Maybe it's my wrist that's bothering me. Remember the little scald I had when I was cooking with Pam? Well, for some strange reason, the little bubble there decided to burst and swell up like a big mosquito bite last night. I quickly got antiseptic powder and surgical plasters to treat the wound, hoping that it'll be better today. But nope! I cleaned the wound twice so far already today. There's lots of pus coming out of the wound.. Not a good sign. My brother's nagging at me to go see a doctor before I risk having gangrene (he's exaggerating, I guess?). But I'm just turning a deaf ear. I'd just like to play nurse over the next few days. If the swell gets worse, well, I guess I have to see a doctor.

The wound's a little painful when I put my hand down, so I have to lift it in a very awkward position. It doesn't help that I keep hitting on the wound when I put my hand down on the table to type or hold the mouse. Speaking of which, I think I've got some strain on my wrist too as a result of holding the mouse too long, or typing on the keyboard. And so, I feel like a semi-handicap person with a semi-functional wrist. As I type this blog, I have to take periodic breaks to ease the pain. I hope this gets better soon. I need to do my website.

Ah - the website. I've decided to take a break from it. The thick books are still open in front of me as a reminder that I've got work to do. But I've decided that I will not get too stressed over it, and just let the one above lead me. I'm sure with lots of faith and prayers, there'll be a way out of this!

Today after class, Grace came to pick Wendy and me up. We wanted to get to Great World City to pick up some salsa CDs from That CD Shop - If anyone reading this blog doesn't know it yet - you just must go to this shop. They have a branch at Pacific Plaza and Tanglin Mall too. Loads of CDs (especially if you're a jazz fan) and nice Nakamichi sound systems for you to test any CD you want to hear. The staff's really good. They're friendly and even if you have like 10 CDs in your hand that you want to try to listen to, they'll gladly unwrap it all nicely and let you listen it at your leisure. No pressure to buy. So you can imagine - Wendy and I spent almost two hours just ploughing through the CDs. (Grace left the shop quietly without us knowing cos she was resisting temptation of spending more money on CDs!). In the end, I didn't get any salsa CDs, but two jazz CDs - one's by Tony Bennet and kd lang; the other's by Al Somma. The latter's got a really nice deep voice.. what I call Harry Connick Jr. meets Steve Tyrell. Very very nice. Seems like I'm in a CD-buying mood. I bought Michael Buble's other CD, Totally Buble yesterday whilst out shopping with my brother... And to think I still have a few more other CDs I want to buy! Oh well, I LOVE music!

I feel happier cos I finally did up the Advent wreath at home. It took me so long before I could finally find the three purple candles and one pink candle. It's nice and simple, and I even got the candles to be scented. Did up the crib set too so it looks much nicer now. Tomorrow will be the second sunday of Advent. We'll be lighting up the two purple candles. Next week, we'd light up the pink one, which represents Joy. Then another week, and then it's Christmas! We'd light up the big white candle in the middle then. Oh, how I love Christmas... Hark the Herald Angels Sing....

Hey - for those of you who are planning your Christmas list, don't forget to visit the Sharity Gift Box. You can send your donations online now. There's an e-mart whereby there's a list of needy people and items which they need. You can just click and have their wish fulfilled. Go check it out at the links below:

More information about the Sharity Gift Box and how you can contribute http://www.bbsgb.org.sg/help_indi.html
Fulfilling wishes online http://sharity.e-mart.com.sg/

No amount is too small when it comes to giving... So go on, share yourself with others... :)

What a day - I'm taking a break!

Yesterday just didn't seem right. No matter how much I tried, I just couldn't get the website working. The java scripts decided not to work when I imported the navigation bars from Fireworks to Dreamweaver. The layout went all wrong when I adjusted the submenus, and I just could get the templates to work the way I wanted it to. You see, this is not just any other ordinary website. I have to plan for further expansion in the future, and so my design has to take that into consideration... It has to be user friendly for constant updating... The thought of the whole project seems like a mammoth task.. And I haven't even figured out the scripting for the automatic updating of the daily readings yet! And what about the database for the petitions... !!!

And so, yesterday, after ploughing through five thick books for solutions, I stared at my computer screen blankly. My brain didn't seem to function anymore. Like the website design, my brain was going all "wonky". I slammed the books shut, switched off my computer, and packed my swimming gear... I told myself I needed a break. And despite the cold weather, I bravely walked to the swimming pool, fuming away cos I was so angry I couldn't get anything substantial done. I thought I could seek solace from the laps.. I was wrong.

I was surprised the pool was so full at 3.30pm after a morning and afternoon's worth of rain. It seemed that like me, everyone else welcomed the shy sun as it peeked behind the thick cumulonimbus clouds. I swam two laps, then gave up. Kids and students on holidays and everyone else seem to be in the pool just playing with water! Doesn't anyone know that you are supposed to swim laps in a lap pool??!!! No... everyone else decided that the lap pool was for just gathering in large groups, splashing water at each other!! And so, I stuck myself at one corner of the pool, folded my arms in exasperation and sulked. I stared at the lifeguards as though I wanted them to clear everyone else in the pool. In my head, I was wondering why couldn't everyone just swim laps.. at the same time, I wondered if I had become more dumb. Why in the world could I not understand all the scripting? Frustration, frustration, frustration...After a while, the cold pool water cooled me down. Maybe I was just having a bad day.

By 5pm, the crowds cleared. I figured all of them must be preparing themselves for a BBQ or dinner.. Good. I swam for another 30 minutes or so before I realised my hands were all pruney. I must have soaked in the water for too long.

The cold swim and shower after did me good. I felt a whole lot better though when I got home, I still didn't want to look at the website. I busied myself watching the last episode of The Bachelor. I needed brainless shows to relax my tensed up brain.

I decided that I will give myself a treat today - I'd go shopping! I guess there's so much frustration in me, there's no point sitting in front of the PC, hoping that some miracle will happen. Hopefully, by tonight, I'd have made some progress. All I'm thinking now is planning my route from IKEA to Orchard Road. :)

I hope you had a better day than I did... and I hope you will enjoy your day today too!

Of time, love and relationships

Looking at the friends around me, I cannot help but wonder about the chemistry between couples. Most of my close friends are either attached or married, and looking at how they met their partners in the first place, I marvel at how wonderfully mysterious God works sometimes.

I always thought that a relationship starts first at a friendship level. After you've known the person for say a year or two, then do you start thinking about developing it into a friendship. But looking at the friends around me, I tend to think not now. Wendy tells me - when it happens, it happens. It doesn't need much time. She tells me the first time she saw her boyfriend, she knew she'd end up with him for the rest of her life. She's still with the same guy after 10 years, and they plan to marry maybe next year.

A JC classmate of mine knew her boyfriend for 10 days and they decided to start their relationship. Another friend of mine married her very first boyfriend. Chemistry. How important that is... I had a classmate in JC who once told me "You are the perfect girl I want to marry. It's just that there's no chemistry between us." I knew what he meant. I didn't make him have those butterflies in the stomach. Neither did he me. We both cared a lot about each other, but we just couldn't like each other that way. We decided that we were just better off as friends.

Timing also plays an important role in the chemistry of whether two people do fall in love. The words of Barry Manilow ring in my ears as I say this.."We had the right love at the wrong time". Sometimes, circumstances around us prevent us from falling in love with another. A close friend of mine can perhaps identify with this. She broke up with her first love back then cos of circumstances, went full circle and is now back with her first love. I see both of them together and I smile. I've never seen her so comfortable with any other guy. I've never seen him so happy.. almost in a childlike glee. I feel so happy for them... It's like they've finally got the right love at the right time this time round.

And then there are cases of A liking B, but B doesn't like B as much. And when A finally gives up on B, B decides to like A back... wrong timing. Nothing happens.

And I wonder... In my mind, I imagine Cupid with his bow and arrow, shooting men and women ailke. Sometimes, I think he's cross-eyed, or just ain't good at shooting. Sometimes he hits a good target, sometimes he misses.

But at the end of it all, I think everything happens for a reason. We never know or can anticipate how two people can fall in love. Every love story I've known is like a fairytale. No one can forsee how to fall in love. It just happens. And because of that, it remains a mystery. All we need to know is that when it comes, we need to open our hearts to all that love brings - the happiness, the joy, the smiles, the laughter, as well as the pain, and tears.

So I'd like to say this to my two dear friends. It is a mystery how the two of you met. Some say it's by fate. Some say it's by chance. Some say it's meant to be. Whatever it is, you are perhaps having the right love at the right time. Take it fully with all your heart. Cherish every moment you have. Put your guards down and just fall in love. Embrace each other with your love and affection that is so much part of you. Share your innermost selves and be totally vulnerable. Give off yourselves unconditionally and let your feelings for each other bring you both along the path of love. Isn't that how love is supposed to be?

To all my friends who are in love, I smile as I say - You are blessed.. I am equally blessed to be able to share in your love and happiness. :)

A chef for the day

Yesterday, Pam came over to my place cos she wanted to learn how to make pizza. But when I met her at 12noon, and told her that she needed to wait at least another three hours before she could eat her pizza, her stomach made her change her mind.. She was hungry! So she decided on steak instead. So off we went to buy the beef and some vegetables to make the meal more wholesome. The steak turned out fine - I just did the flipping for her while she told me when to stop cooking! Hmmm.. seems like she was the one teaching me how to cook!

Then we decided to make oatmeal cookies cos that was her favourite too. Baking's my forte, so I taught her how to cream the mixture, and basically dump everything else in, stir it all into a paste, and ball the dough into bite size chunks on the baking tray before dumping it into the oven. It was fabulous! Pam loved the cookies!

Wendy came over too. It was her day off. So there we were, all three of us in the kitchen like some tai tais, making cookies and listening to bossa nova music, once in a while perring out of the window to see the heavy downpour outside. We talked and laughed, and munched on left-over cookies that could not fit into the containers we had. Then Pam wanted to bake some more! Flipping through yet more cook books, Pam decided on some caramel nut thingy dipped with chocolate. The recipe seemed pretty easy enough - just sugar, water, nuts, and chocolate... I had them all in my home..

So there I was, stirring the sugar mixture over the hot fire.. I must have stirred to vigourously cos a drop of the burning hot caramel jumped onto me and "ouch"... Now I have a little bubble on my wrist area. It doesn't hurt, but I hope it doesn't burst.. It'd be an awful sight if it does. But the candy turned out OK.. We dipped it with lots and lots of chocolate cos that's the way to enjoy sinful food, aint' it? :)

Pam left in the late evening cos she was meeting someone. So it was just Wendy and me.. and my dear brother playing his new computer game at home. I had picked up some new seasoning at the supermarket earlier and wanted to try it out. So I did.. Sprinkled the seasoning onto the chicken, baby potatoes and carrots and dumped it all into the baking bag that came with the seasoning. Just for the fun of it, I also dumped three cloves of garlic (which I ate just like that after that!). Dumped the whole thing into the oven for about 45 minutes and tah-dah! It was really really really really nice.. Soft, juicy, tender chicken that was a little sour and spicy... kinda like buffalo wings, but better.. The potatoes and carrots and garlic turned out wonderful with the seasoning too.. Hmm.. Maybe I should try it on turkey for X'mas?

I am motivated. Later today, I will scour the supermarket again, and see what else I can whip up..! In the meantime, it's back to design work... but before I do, here's a quote for budding cooks out there...

Cooking is at once child's play and adult joy. And, cooking done with care is an act of love.

--Craig Clairborne