Song..

I wonder what ever happened to the song I had put up on my blog - the one the handsome Filipino guy sang... Christian Bautista? Anyway, I've been thinking about inspirational songs ever since the National Day concert at my school today, and I can't help but recall a song a friend of mine composed some time back. My NIE mates would have probably heard this song before - It's called Living This Life for Me.

Living This Life for Me is about living your life to your fullest potential. You are responsible for your life. You live it the way you want it to. And when you do so, never shortchange yourself by putting in anything less, because you will only get less. I live my life for myself, not because I am selfish, but because I am responsible and I am empowered to live it the way I want it to - and the way I want it is to live life to the max - and in the process, touching as many lives as I can.

For those of you who can hear the song (cos the audio clip doesn't always come out right), this one's for you. This also goes out especially to all my students who visit my blog. Listen carefully to the lyrics.

Today, decide... How do you want to live your life?

The classroom is a stage...

Today, my co-teacher called me in the morning to tell me that I had to handle my Sec 3 class alone - again. It didn't help that we hadn't quite discussed what we'd be teaching the class. And so, with a 2 minute brief of what I could do, I gathered some resource materials and came up with a lesson to teach them summary skills. I figured that could keep them occupied for the two periods.

I entered the class feeling feverish. I feel sick on and off these days (I think I'm down with a slight viral fever), and I wondered if it was class related. The more I dreaded teaching the class, the more feverish I'd feel... no? Hmm... Anyway, almost half the class was under suspension or absent, so I was left with 17 students out of 40. Even then, I only managed to get a handful to do the summary the way I wanted them to.

But one thing happened in class that got me thinking about my teaching. One of the boys in class said to me, "Miss Chew, your mood change very fast. Just now you smile at us, now you so fierce." It's true. They were talking when they were supposed to do their work. I showed them my "Lucy Liu" face - minus the whip in hand. :)

Then it reminded me of one of my philosophies about teaching which I've been sharing since my NIE days. I remember telling some of my NIE mates - the classroom is a stage, and we are mere actors. I've extended that analogy to the staffroom being the backstage, and perhaps the staff lounge the green room?

What do I mean by that? I'm not advocating heartless teaching, but a method in which to take care of the emotional state of us teachers - that at the end of the day, we don't get too drained because of the emotions we engage in whilst teaching. Yes, we do get angry, we do get frustrated, we do get affected by what our students say and do. But like any actor, we get out of the role once we leave our "stage". We retreat to the backstage and resume our persona - the real us.

Yes, Uncle Joel. I still remember all about cutting the threads, and am actually teaching my friends to learn to do it too. I think it's a cool way to take care of our emotional well-being. If we don't, we'd get burnt out one day.

At the end of each day, I'm thankful that I can still smile. And as long as the fire of enthusiasm keeps burning, that I feel the need and urge and conviction to guide and motivate the kids I teach, I feel happy - happy that I've chosen to walk this route; happy that it is perhaps an indication from the one above that I'm walking the right way.

Looking back at the Sec 3 class, I feel that I've not put in enough effort to get through to them. I know it'll take lots of patience, lots of time. Perhaps, even tears. I don't know. All around, I hear negativity, and as much as I prefer not to listen to it, I cannot help but succumb to what I hear sometimes, and use it as a reason for the lack of effort put in in guiding these kids. In short, I could be taking the easy way out.

And many a times, I guess most of us are like that. We'd rather take the easy way out because - well, it's easier. It requires less effort. It doesn't require us to leave our comfort zone. After all, why rock the boat when we're comfortable sitting on it, right? But I've learnt that the easy way out isn't always the best way out. If we decide to keep ourselves in our own world, then we'd never see the potential of what the world can offer.

The next time we're challenged to do something out of our comfort zone, why don't we give it a shot?

Back with a vengeance!

I don't care. What the mind wants, the mind gets. I refuse to fall ill. And though the throat hurts each time I swallow, I take it all in my stride and ignore the pain. I have found what it means to have mind over matter. This is mind over matter!

And as I'm nibbling down bits of chocolate-coated raisins while planning for my lessons, I am giving new definition to the Chinese saying, "treating poison with poison". Ha! I want to win this war against the flu bug!

Thanks to all of you for dropping by and sending me your get well notes. Really appreciate it. Yes, even to my Sec 2 students... Yes, you are the ones that make so much noise... but it's OK. It's just that you guys have to listen when I speak.. Not speak when I speak! And actually, it wasn't the noise that made me angry. It was because some of you decided not to hand in your work on time.. Same with my Sec 1 class. So many of them didn't hand in their work despite reminders... Sigh.. Where is the sense of responsibility in kids these days?

Call me patriotic, but I can't wait to sing the National Day songs! My school kids have been training hard for the NDP display. I hear the school band play these days when I'm in the staff room and it brings back fond memories of the days I was in the band. I played the cornet, but my heart was always with the percussion section. It still is!

I must say I'm proud of my Sec 1 kids who have put in lots of time and effort in doing their project work as Ambassadors of HIHS. I made them conduct a tour of the new school to teach them procedural texts as well as hone their communication skills. They really did a good job and was quite professional about it too. They actually did up brochures to accompany the tour! I think this out-of-the-classroom oral presentation worked really well. I'm happy... :)

Now, I'm planning for the next unit on newspaper reports - and thanks to Alex for sending the slides! I'm so excited to get my kids to do the fractured fairy tales!

Today, I learnt that even if I'm having a bad day, there is always someone out there who cares. And for that, I should be thankful.

Thanks to you who have touched my heart, and added an extra spark to my day. You know who you are. *wink*

:)

I'm sick....

My throat hurts. I'm coming down with a fever. I've got ulcers in my mouth. And I've lost my appetite. This morning I came down with a slight sniffle. It doesn't help that I've got books to mark and more oral exams to conduct. I've got to stay back late almost every day for some reason or other. Nights are left for lesson planning and preparation of teaching materials. Arghhh... I need a break!

And just when I was so looking forward to the National Day weekend, I have to come down with a flu? NO!!! I am determined to be well for the hols. But alas, the body is not co-operating. My whole body aches... yes, the first signs of a flu. The flu bug is going around in the staff room. Probably that's why teachers are taking turns to fall sick.

I don't like being sick. But I am. No good.

TGIF

Something must have gone wrong cos the whole lot of words I typed out yesterday just didn't come out.. I wonder why...

In any case, what I wanted to say in short is that I'm thankful the weekend's here, and that I've been blessed. I'd like to say thanks to my Sec 2 class that made me smile cos they kept the classroom clean (the teacher's desk was spotless for once!), and that Eileen from my Sec 3 class showed a level of maturity beyond her age. I think what she's experiencing now has made that difference in her, and in the deepest of my hearts, I pray that come 11 August, a kind sentence will be passed on her.

Looking forward to the National Day weekend!! :) Now, I'll just enjoy my weekend with Wendy and my piles of books to be marked!

Checkin' out...

In response...

I would love to blog more than I do now, but time is a factor to consider. And considering matters in order of priority, blogging unfortunately doesn't come in top on the list now. But once a love, always a love. And I can't deny my love for writing, or expressing my views and thoughts for that matter! An opinionated lady indeed! :)
 
Some of the students from my form class annoyed me today - talking when I was explaining how they could better improve on their compositions. Perhaps, I wouldn't be half as mad if there were just one or two particular students I could pick out. Glancing across the classroom, I realised almost half the class were engaged in their little conference sessions. I felt exasperated as I tried to raise my voice to counter theirs. As we all teachers now know - that doesn't work. Silence begets silence. Soon I got their attention, but I would rather have a fun-filled lesson without scolding any one of my kids. But I had to. 
 
Frankly, I thank the good one above for blessing me with these kids that brighten up my life on some days. It's indeed ironical and almost paradoxical that the very same kids that make me angry are the ones that make me smile, and laugh - and realise that my journey is worth every single step.
 
Yesterday, a friend of mine gave me a starfish carved out of stone. It was beautiful. Very intricate. It came accompanied with a card with a starfish on it. It seems I have begun to be stuck with the starfish icon, thanks to my dear brother! But I don't really mind. Being a starfish is a contant reminder to me to stretch out as far as my five hands (right?) can handle. It also reminds me of the starfish story all we teachers know - that it's OK if we don't throw all the starfish back at sea all at once. As long as we continue doing it, we ARE making that difference. The shape of the starfish also reminds me that I am in a position to be guiding star to lead and guide - to motivate and inspire.
 
My brother once wrote in a card to me that I am the light of the family, always brightening people's lives. I never really did notice that, but I'd like to live up to that expectation, and spread the light not only to my family, but to all I am in touch with as well - and yes, that includes all my students.
 
That's a little too much light needed to be spread among so many people, you may say. Yes, I do admit that on some days, the light grows dim, and energies are low. But I have learnt to pick myself up, and spend some quite time alone with Big guy above to rejuvenate, and re-energize. And of course, synergy with friends help too! Thanks, Wendy for always listening to all my stories... Maybe you should start writing a book! :)
 
My eyes are hardly open with only an hour of sleep, having stayed up late last night on a design project that kept me going, I didn't realise it was so late! (or early!) My mum was worried for me and urged me to drink up a bottle of chicken essence before leaving for school.. (NAH!). Just stole three chocolate chip cookies from my fellow teacher - now that's what I call food! Haa... the chocoholic in me has set in - I really need to get back to therapy. Anyone knows when the next meeting of chocoholic anonymous will take place? :P
 
Alright, I'd better get back to more marking now. I've been "loafing" for half an hour typing this blog! To my students who have been visiting my blog - thanks for dropping by and leaving your little notes. I truly appreciate them... Keep coming back! :)
 
Starfish.. out!

Occupation Hazard

Ever since I started my journey as a full-fledged teacher, I have realised the side-effects of being one. Occupation hazard, you may call it. Before long, I realised I could compile a list of....
 
"Top Ten Signs You Know You Are a Teacher"
1. You can't seem to find any other coloured pens except red.
2. The other crucial stationery you can find is the whiteboard marker.
3. You know what a Risograph machine is.
4. You become an expert with acronyms.
5. The P and the VP are common terms to you.
6. You begin to correct your friend's English.
7. You look for grammatical errors in everything you read.
8. When you hear "Cher", you know it's not about the singer.
9. You carry a stack of marking to do wherever you go.
10. You hate the word "CONTACT TIME"!
 
I'm sure there's much more, and I'll come to it as the days go by. Feel free to log your contributions into the comments link or the chatter box. I'd love to compile a whole listing of it, and maybe publish it as a book! :)
 
Hope my NIE mates are hanging in there well... Now as I see NIE trainees in my school, I think to myself - wasn't it just a while ago I was in their shoes. Now, we're teachers. Qualified teachers. And although teaching may bring its fare share of stress, anxieties, frustrations and lots of hard work, at the end of the day, I think it's a fulfilling path that we all have chosen to journey in. And since we have chosen to walk this path, let's do it well, come what may.
 
Perhaps, it wasn't as we have envisioned when we signed on that dotted line to commit three years of our lives moulding the next generation. Perhaps we have realised that it isn't a bed of roses. Perhaps we have been discouraged, or disillusioned, or things are not working out as well as we have planned. But ultimately, we have a choice - a choice to look at things positively or negatively. Begin to ask ourselves - what can we do with what we have, rather than what I could do if I have.   
 
I have with me a pool of young minds who need guidance of a strong leader, a role model as they go through their journeys in life. We are in that position to be that guiding light, that role model. We are in that position to create a difference in their lives. In a large way, our position as teachers have empowered us to a degree we may not even realise. Rise up to the occasion, and realise the lifelong effects we have on the kids we teach. What do we want them to learn? If they are strong academically already, then how well can we further develop other intelligences? Or how can we tap onto the multiple intelligences of each child? Is it all about academics? Or is moulding of a child's character more important?
 
My school had the first night of their annual concert last night. After weeks and consecutive days of training, we have finally seen the fruits of our labour. And as I was stationed backstage to cue my drama club kids throughout the night, I realised that the very students who are restless and disinterested in the academics are the very ones being the stage hands and handling the AV logistics. It dawned on me that I shouldn't judge every student based on the yardstick the academic system has created. Maybe it's time to create a new yardstick?
 
Think about what you can do to make that difference....

Moments in Life

One thing I enjoy in my school is the Values Inculcation Programme on Tuesdays and Thursdays where teachers share with the students, and fellow teachers little anecdotes, poems, stories and activities to inculcate values into our students. For this month, our focus is People Our Focus. And I'd just like to share with you this poem that was shared. Reflect on it... Maybe, sometimes it's important to take time and appreciate the Moments in Life...
 
There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for real!
 
Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile
Because it takes only a smile to
Make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.
 
Dream what you want to dream;
Go where you want to go;
Be what you want to be
Because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things
you want to do.
 
May you have enough happiness
to make you sweet
Enough trials to make you strong
Enough sorrow to keep you human and
Enough hope to make you happy.
 
The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything
that comes along their way.
 
The brightest future will always
be based on a forgotten past;
You can't go forward in life until
You let go of your past failures and heartaches.
 
When you were born, you were crying
And everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end
You're the one who is smiling
And everyone around you is crying.
 
To those who have touched your life
In one way or another;
To those who make you smile
When you really need it;
To those who make you see
The brighter side of things when you are really down;
To those whose friendship you appreciate;
To those who are so meaningful in your life.
 
Don't count the years
Count the memories....
 
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take;
But by the moments that take our breath away!
 
Written by Donna Fulcher
 

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I blogged. I feel that I need to dust the keyboard a little as I get back to the blogging habit.

No, I have not lost the love of writing, or of sharing my inspirational stories with you. It's just that I've been kept so busy with school work, I've had little time, not to mention energy to tap on my old keyboard to share my thoughts.

And so today is a treat, as I decided to take a step back, and take time for myself. Who cares if I have 160 books more to mark and 2 piles of test scripts unmarked. I took my leave from school after the concert rehearsal this afternoon and made my way to Raffles City to meet Wendy. I was in search of white masks for my drama kids - OK, that was the only work-related thing I did! I had a nice lunch of Rodeo Ribs at Cafe Cartel with Wendy after that. Yummmy! Not to mention the free flow of bread!

And I decided to treat myself with retail therapy too! Ha.. got a good buy, and I so love it! :)

But the highlight of the day, was the campfire I was supposed to go to right at the end of Singapore. To my NIE mates - if you think our campus is far, well, this is really far! It's like almost 15 minutes drive further away from NIE! And we thought Pulau Nanyang was bad!

The taxi man that brought me there was a sweetie not to complain that I made him drive so deep in. He was more concerned that he got the place wrong. I kept telling him to go on and on and on... "Yao dao hai bian le, xiao jie" "Dui, uncle... shi kao jing hai bian". Finally, I reached Camp Christine.

It was inspiring to see the kids from less privuleged backgrounds coming together for the 3-day camp, with the help and commitment of some 60 volunteers to make it all happen. Most of these kids came from broken families, or troubled and criminal backgrounds. Seriously, when you see the energy in them when they come together to cheer and shout, and dance and sing, you really wouldn't know how much they have been through. It is times like these, that make you sit back and count the blessings you have had.

It made me think, that any of the school kids I teach could be one of these kids at the camp. When we look into the faces of our students, what do we see? I see potential. I see a personality waiting to unfold if only they are given the right guidance. Some are fortunate enough to have the support of their families. What about those that don't? When a child makes a mistake once, is he marked as bad all his life? Can't we approach things differently?

Perhaps the idealist in me still exists. I have a co-teacher for one of the classes I teach. She tells me that some of the boys in the class are "ugly characters". They've had their fair share of discipline problems, and academically - well, don't even bother. I told her that maybe we should approach things differently.

On Friday, one of the problem kids in my class refused to do the work he was assigned. He stared blankly at the worksheet that I gave him. My co-teacher told me because another classmate had thrown his wallet away and that it was nowhere to be found. He had angst and anger in him. And he was demonstrating it by not doing his work. I didn't know what happened initially, and so all I did was to go up to him and said, "Derek, you look sad. Is something bothering you?" He looked up at me, then stared blankly at the paper again. I decided to leave him alone, but occasionally walk past his desk to see if he would do anything, but I didn't want to push it.

My co-teacher told me to give up. I didn't. I knew from his face that he was touched in some sense, and I think I was right. When the bell rang, he submitted his worksheet, all filled up. I smiled. My co-teacher was shocked. I wasn't.

If I could say what I believe in, then I'd say I'd believe that in every child, there is a heart to touch, a soul to groom and a mind to enrich. I believe that there's good in every child. Sometimes, they stray. But then, isn't it our duty to bring them back on course? Isn't that our role?

On Friday, one of my students from the class which I taught during the practicum rebelled against my co-teacher. She refused to do her work and stood outside of the class. When my co-teacher left the class, I asked her back in. She refused. She said she was angry, and she didn't want to do any work assigned. I asked her if she could do it for me then. She looked at me, and nodded her head. She went back to class and filled up her worksheet immediately. It touched my heart to know that I had made a difference in her life in some sense, that I had gained her respect and trust. It encouraged me to feel that there is so much more I can do for the students in my school - in the classroom, at drama club practices, for the students I used to teach during the practicum...

Stretch yourself to what you can give... Only YOU set the limits.

:)

Time...

Last night, I mentioned to someone that I wished I had 48 hours a day. I really do. Last night, I had two classes I had yet to plan for. Last minute work seem to be the latest trend. Thankfully, I've so far managed to get ready in time for lessons. But I don't want to make it a habit.

Yes, I have been busy. My drama club kids are keeping me busy for one. With the Harmony concert coming up next week, days after school are filled with rehearsals and costume fitting. Then it's chasing after those that don't turn up. Yesterday, my principal asked me why there wasn't full attendance from the drama club kids. I was speechless. I just inherited them. I hardly know them. Yet I knew why they weren't turning up. They felt bored. I HAVE to do something to excite them more! That's my next target. I sounded some of them out about staging a musical. They grew excited... Yes, yes, we want that.. I can picture it in my head already... A tie-up with the choir, band and modern dance group would be perfect. Now all I need is someone to write me a musical!

Yes, as you can see, I get excited with non-academic related issues at school. In a way, I'm glad I'm just teaching English, which gives me lots of room for creativity. On Friday, my co-teacher and I will be conducting our English lessons at the Cafe. I call it English Breakfast - how apt! And yes, I will be providing food!

The marking never ends. My mentor in school tells me to prioritise work. That helped. Otherwise, I feel like it's an endless battle with scripts and books. Now I know better...

The kids I teach can be draining sometimes. But I take it all in my stride. I should have expected this when I decided two years back to teach. Now that I am in it, it is all that I have expected and more. Sure, it's tiring when kids talk when you talk, don't hand in their work, or decide to be disruptive in class. But at the end of the day, I see them along the corridors with smiles and I see the joy on their faces. It reminds me that I was like that once. And it reminds me that I am here for a reason - to be their guiding light, their source of motivation, and their listening ear.

Last night, I told someone that actually I do love teaching. No regrets. None at all. Not now at least!

:)

A marathon day...

Every week, I have mixed feelings each time Friday approaches. On one hand, it marks the end of the week, on the other hand, it's the heaviest day for me with eight periods and only an hour break in between. And now as I end the day, I feel happy. I have piles of books and papers on my desk, waiting to be red-inked. It's gonna be a cycle of marking all over again - didn't I just return the books to the kids? And now I still have more to mark?

Well, it's all part and parcel of teaching. I take it all in my stride. I have to plan for new lessons and come up with new material. I feel tired at the end of the day as I leave the school at 6pm each day, only because the nice auntie nudges me nicely "Teacher, I want to go home...". And I guiltily grab all I need to continue with my work at home. And the work continues long after 6pm outside of school...

Sleepy and dizzy-eyed, I pluck myself out of bed each day. I have hardly had enough sleep, but I feel the drive in rushing the school each day. I challenge myself to get to school earlier and earlier each day. I don't know why.. Maybe it's cos I like my new desk, and find solitude in the silence of the staff room before the crowd comes in.

Did I mention I've got my brand new Toshiba lap top too? All linked up to the LAN - so I can print, surf the net, blog and do my work right in the comforts of my new desk :). And now, I've begun to bring my CD collection so I can play music on my laptop while doing my work.

Have to be in school tomorrow cos there's Drama Club rehearsal. I'm glad I've begun to connect with them.. How I wish they'll be more committed to come for practices more often. Have been spending lots of time with them.. yesterday, we had rehearsals til 5.30pm!

The one thing that touched my heart today... One trainee teacher told me that the Maths Dept had a meeting yesterday and my name was mentioned. They mentioned that the Sec 3 class that sucked the blood out of me during the practicum actually went to the Principal to beg her that I teach them again, because they felt I was the only teacher that believed in them... I am touched. Today, I realised, my efforts were not in vain. It teaches me - never give up no matter what. It takes time, blood, tears and sweat. But someday, we may just be able to throw all the starfish back into the sea! Idealistic, you may say, but I know, I'm gonna live my dream one day! You can live your dream too!

:)
deb

Back to the past....

Tomorrow, I will go to school in my junior college uniform. It has been 12 years since I wore that. I had to get Wendy's husband's nephew's friend to loan it to me. Thankfully, I could squeeze into it... My heart sank when Wendy said, "I hope you can wear it.. the girl looks petite."

Well, petite is something I am not associated with! Mum's kindly pressing the uniform straight for me now... I can't imagine how I'd look like tomorrow! Anyway, it's all in the name of fun as part of the HIHS Youth Day celebration, so I shall just humour my kids tomorrow! Oh - did I mention the kids get to come in their home clothes?!!

I planned to go down to school today to mark, but a sore throat in the morning made me stay at home. I could feel myself coming down with a flu. And so, I boiled a big pot of cooling tea, and downed the black broth hourly. But the throat is still sore, and my eyes slightly swollen. I really wasn't looking forward to the dinner at Long Bar Steak House with my Raffles Hotel friends, but I couldn't bring myself to cancel it either.

I felt tired the whole day. I must have taken at least three naps in between, but I couldn't sleep well. Even in my dreams, I was thinking about lesson plans!

I'm glad I've got at least one worksheet churned out for tomorrow's lesson, and I know what I'm supposed to do for Wednesday's lesson. It's just a matter of getting the worksheets all done up...

Just got back from dinner not too long ago. Food at the Long Bar Steakhouse wasn't that bad. It's just that with the open kitchen, I left the place smelling like steak. Hmmmm...

I'd better get to bed now. Tomorrow will be a long day with my kids again. Have to get my drama kids prepared for the upcoming school concert. And there's yet more to mark, more lesson plans, and more worksheets!

Happy Youth Day! Chuppa chops for my kids tomorrow!

:)

Week one, and counting my blessings...

Wasn't it just a few days back that we beginning teachers (BTs, as we are now fondly called) were a little nervous starting out in our own respective schools as full-fledged teachers? And now, one week has passed.

A week ago, my desk was empty, almost a barren land. It was so bare I began to panic and bring in as much things as I could. I called Wendy up for fresh stationery supplies, and spent another $50 on yet more stationery... and no, I haven't got it all as yet!

But today, as I looked at my desk, I began to feel that yes, I AM a teacher. I have four stacks of books to mark. That's 160 books in total. That, plus two piles of worksheets. And what about the lesson plans and materials for the upcoming week? A little overwhelming, I must say... but yet, I think I am enjoying what I'm doing.

I'm very very strict with my Sec 1 and 2 classes, and in a way, I have begun to own them. I see the earnest look in their eyes, and I feel like I want to protect each and every one of them, to make sure that they do well in their studies and away from bad company. In the depths of my heart, I say a prayer for each one of them. I look forward to the day the graduate from the school and look back and realise that they've accomplished so much...

Yesterday was the second time in my life someone likened me to a guardian angel. I'm flattered, but in a shy way. But I am glad that I've used this gift that God has given me - the gift of giving and protecting those around me, especially those that I care and love - to enrich the lives of my friends and students.

But sometimes, it does get draining, and once in a while, I ask if there's a guardian angel out there for me too? But at the end of the day, I look at the BIG one above, and see all the blessings he's given me, and I realise that maybe, I've got the best guardian angel around? And for that, I should be thankful...

As I walk through this journey, I don't know for sure what lies ahead. But I treasure every step that I take, and relish the moment. For every step is a learning experience, whether it be joy or sadness. For this moment only comes once. And for me to experience it, I should be the one feeling special.

:)

The beginning...

It's been two days since I started teaching at the new school at Punggol. It must have been the new environment and the familiarity of faces that makes me all so excited each morning to get to school way before 7am. Maybe it's just my desk that I love. I have begun to buy more and more stuff to make my desk look nice, but it's all still in the plastic bag cos I've just been too busy to do any thing!

My time-table has been driving me nuts for one - today is the fourth time my time-table has changed. And it's because of me that three HODs and the principal had to sit down and manually do up a time-table for me so that it doesn't screw up the rest of the time-tables in the school... well, it kinda makes me feel ... err... special?

Maybe not! It seems they think I have a special talent to deal with problem kids, so my principal has kindly put me to co-teach in two notorious classes in addition to my own two classes. Oh well, I hope I can make best use of the situation and that something good will come out of all this at the end of the day...

I had a brief session with my favourite Sec 3 Integrity yesterday. It's heartwarming to know that as I stepped into the class, there were cheers and claps... I guess they were happy to see me? As we were going through terms about the Internet, my co-teacher asked the class - what does HTML mean?

"How To Make Love" came the reply!

There you go... on some days, kids like these make teaching life so interesting, you just get addicted to it!

:)

School starts!

I don't believe it. The holidays just flew past me without me even noticing it! And as I begin to clear the mess that have been accumulating on my desk over the holidays, it has finally dawned on me that school starts tomorrow.

I brave myself to face three new classes tomorrow without a lesson plan in tow. I have no idea what I'd be doing, except to go with the flow. I hope I can survive my day one in new HIHS at Punggol, and cruise through the week without any hiccup until I begin to feel ground as to what I have to do.

Finally, I begin to feel like a full-fledged teacher.

The only thing that's nagging at me right now is the sore throat. I have been a naughty girl, sneaking in bars of chocolates and stacks of Lays Stacks potato chips (I can't help it, it's addictive... it says on the can, "Once you pop, you can't stop!"). It's probably time I stop!

Mum's in Bangkok, and it's good to hear from her that she's enjoying herself. It's funny staying at home over the weekend with my brother with him saying hardly 20 words to me. He complains I'm hardly at home, but when I'm home, he hardly talks to me... Hmmm...

Before I sign off and really start thinking about what I should do with my class tomorrow, I will commit myself once again to my conviction and goal - to touch the lives of my students in whatever way I can, in any way I can, to throw as many starfish as I can into the sea, and if I don't do it all in one day, I'll do it bit by bit - knowing that by doing so, I am already making a difference.

To all my teacher friends... All the best as you begin your new journey!

:)

For a moment...

Last night, for a moment, I questioned myself about my priorities. I didn't know if the direction I was heading was what I really wanted. After all, I decided to take up the project only to make some use of some free time I had back then. Now, as the months unfold, so did the project. And I find myself going deeper and deeper into it. In a way, you could say it feels like putting my foot into the well, and I can't quite feel the base of the well as yet. Without a foothold, it seemed tempting to take the easy way out and just back out. But I asked myself - Is this what I really want?

The night overwhelmed me as I thought about my teaching, my family, my friends and the project. Why was it all equally important to me? It didn't help make things easier as I fought a mental battle in silence. I held back tears as I struggled with my emotions. I didn't want to let anyone down. I didn't want to fail. I wasn't afraid to take on the challenge. It was just that I was afraid to disappoint.

School's starting next week and I haven't even shifted my teaching materials over to the new school. I should love that place. In fact I do. I love my new table, my new surroundings, my neighbouring teachers surrounding me. I couldn't ask for more. But why did I feel so unprepared? I haven't even asked for the scheme of work for the three levels I'd be teaching! Not to mention preparation?

My relations with my mum and brother hadn't been too good lately, considering I'm not home most of the time. They greet me with silence when I come home, and in a way, I feel bad for not spending more time with them.

My friends worry for me as I take on more and more responsibilities. They tell me not to overwork, and keep me grounded by asking me why I was doing all these. They know the answer, but yet at the same time, they know me well enough to know that I will not regret what I'm doing. They know I'm a go-getter. They know that if all comes to nought one day, I will still smile and ask - What did I learn from this? And though they don't say it, I know they are giving me their support in every way they can, and I can't thank them enough. Thanks, gals.. you know who you are! :)

I slept with a heavy heart. Although I was told not to worry, I still did. But I know I shouldn't worry too much. I've only got 5 worry credits per month. I can't afford more. And so, with new conviction, I headed for school early today, lugging with me two big bags of teaching materials. I sat myself down in the silence of the staff room, and laid down my plans. I looked through my notes, and figured out what I should be doing. Then I analysed my duties for the project and laid it down one by one. Looking through all of it, it didn't seem so bad.

I'd give it a shot, I told myself. I'll never know til I try.

The message at the workshop today went loud and clear. "It doesn't matter if you fail. At least you've tried."

With the emphasis on innovation and enterprise in the classroom these days, I see my vision in three years time becoming more real. I feel that this is training ground for me to test out my theories and methods.

I have a mission to complete in three years. And I will do all I can now to see my dreams come true.

:)

Not enough sleep...

What can I say? Late night suppers, meetings, more work when I come back home, and pending lesson plans for next week when term starts. I was assigned classes from Sec 1 to 3, which means I hardly get to repeat my lesson materials... And it's all packed everyday... I can't imagine the marking I have to do...!

As more responsibilities are piled on me, I wonder if I can be superwoman and take it all again. The task that I've been assigned to do is not easy. It needs a whole lot of skill, tact and understanding of people relations. It requires me to be tough, disciplined yet embracing at the same time.

I don't know if I'm up to the job, but I do know that I will never know if I never did try. And so, I'm giving it a shot, giving it my best. After all, it's in line with all the goals I have set up for myself as I began this eye-opening journey since last year.

Gotta get some sleep now.. Have to be awake in 3 hours' time!

See ya!
:)

Back to school

Tomorrow, after a long break, I will back to school... the brand new school at HIHS. In a way, I'm excited. It will be the first time that I will be going into school as capacity of a full-fledged teacher. Wow - finally, the journey has begun!

I really don't know what to expect. Just last year, I was excited about the idea of going back to school. I was full of energy and enthusiasm. I was firm on my belief that it was my calling to be a teacher, and I will be the best one that I can be. I recalled sitting alone in the big Nanyang Auditorium while everyone around me were in happy chatter. Looks like everyone else has a friend, except me.

One year has passed since, and not only did I have a swell time at NIE, I've also made wonderful friends that have walked the initial journey with me. Now, as all of us embark in our own respective schools, we are faced with yet more challenges (I am sure!). But knowing that we have each other to count on makes it more comforting... Glad you came into my life, guys! You know who you are!! *wink*

:)

Drama Drama!

I'm jumping for joy. My school called me up a few days back to say that they had put me to help out in the drama club! I was wondering which CCA they'd put me in charge of.. Chinese Orchestra? Chinese Dance? Band? Computer Club? God forbid!!

I feel myself clapping in glee like a happy sotong. I can see where all of this is going. I've always wanted to get involved in drama somehow, but the opportunity never really came. And now, I have it! Come Monday, I will be trotting down to school for the first meeting with a drama trainer and my students. Cool...! If I'm not wrong, I think they are getting the students ready for some Harmony Concert on 24 July where there will be a night of song, dance and drama... I sense a talent-spotting opportunity coming up! :) *smiles*

The nights have been long these days. Went home close to 3am the previous night after a supper of Char Kway Teow and dim sum. Yesterday, after sieving through piles of paper with two other friends, we headed for Swensens for yet another supper. I sure hope all these late night food will not add on the pounds! Didn't come home til close to 4am. It's a little tiring at the end of the day (or beginning of the next should I say!), but it gives me a sense of fulfilment knowing that I have touched lives somehow. When I see young minds grow, when I see a change in attitudes, when I see that they are finally able to stand on their feet and walk on their own, I smile.

Now, all I can't wait to do is to see them take flight, and find their journey through this road called LIFE.

:)

Being positive!

Someone threw a wet blanket at me a few days back when I told him that I quit my job to go into teaching because I wanted to inspire and motivate teenagers. "That's idealistic, don't you think?", he asked.

He told me that when he was younger, he had also wanted to do that too, but four years later, he figures, why bother? Apparently, he had been disillusioned by what he has seen, and experienced, so much so that his world now is filled with nothing but cynicism.

I shared with him my stories of teaching during practicum, and how I have been disillusioned. Like him, I have asked the question of "why bother?" when the kids I teach didn't seem to appreciate all the sleepness nights and hard work I had put in; the emotional energy expanded caring for them and worrying for their needs. But I also shared with him, "As long as I don't give up, there is still the possibility of touching lives and inspiring them."

He couldn't argue with that. He nodded in agreement, and told me that maybe, he should mix with people like myself more often to have positive energy rubbed onto him. In my heart, I was glad I made my point. It occurred to me that not only did I touch his life in some sense, but it also renewed my conviction and commitment in achieving this goal. It wasn't just words spoken. It was a commitment to be backed up by action, and hopefully, a living example to those around me so that they too, may be inspired to touch the lives of people around them, whoever they may be.

To a large extent, looking back at the things I've done lately, I must say I am proud of myself for being able to step out of my comfort zone, doing things I've not done before. I've approached new things with an open mind, with only the goal of doing it the best I can. And what I've gained is a whole myriad of experiences that I know I'd never have encountered if I had stayed in my comfort zone.

I read in Elle recently about stepping out of one's comfort zone. And rightfully so, it points out that we often stay in our safe zone because of fear. We fear FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real. Self-explanatory. We make up scenarios in our heads of what could go wrong, and it pulls us back. Why not make up scenarios of what could go right instead? I've never doubted the power of envisioning, and with positive thoughts in our heads, all it does is to push us forward towards our goals.

I subscribe to a simple theory that I made up myself. It's called the Pink Elephant Theory. This is how it works. First, think of a pink elephant. Got it in your head? Good. Now, don't think of the pink elephant. Can you get it out of your head? No? Bad thoughts are like the pink elephant. You can't get it out of your head if you keep focusing on it, no matter how hard you try. And it irks you to the point of frustration when you try even harder to get it out of your head. But the truth of the fact is that when you don't even focus on it, you can get it out of your head. You don't get frustrated not thinking about the pink elephant because it never did occur to you to think about it in the first place!

Similarly, failure will not escape you if you keep thinking about it, just like the pink elephant. Not to say that you be completely idealistic about things. It's different. It's about being positive, and looking at things from a different perspective. Even if the outcome isn't what I had expected it to be, does that point to failure? Or was it a lesson learnt?

I've also been sharing with my friends the concept of the Emotional Bank. We all each have one. And we have say 50 emotional credits a day in our bank. When we get angry, we lose one credit. When something frustrates us, we lose another one. But when we get happy, we earn more credits. It's like a savings bank. Ask yourself - do you want a fat nice bank at the end of the day? Or a completely empty one? With this in mind, ask yourself each time you get upset with someone, or frustrated - is that incident worth spending this emotional credit? No? Then move on. Don't let it eat into you. Cut the threads like Uncle Joel taught.

It's probably easier said than done. But what matters is that we try. I fall sometimes too, allowing myself to be drained, cynical and negative. But I keep in mind my goal, and I quickly pick myself up again. We have only one life to live. Don't waste it being cynical and angry.

:)

Fulfillng Day!

It sure has been a fulfilling day! Got up early with barely 3 hours' of sleep and started on my design project. Was glad that I managed to rush it out in time before I left for lunch with Su Ching at NUS. It sure has been a while since I took the NUS route from Pasir Ris to Clementi and boarded the trusty old 96..

Lunch with Su Ching brought us to Margaritas. They serve really good Mexican food there. The owner of the place is a bao gao liao guy who serves at every table, recommends food, and tells the chef how to cook it. We hardly saw the menu cos he just whipped up something special for us right there and there... For appetisers, we had grilled musrooms topped with some garlic cream sauce... Awesome! Then, for the maincourse, he gave us corn-fed cat fish, which he claims comes from the US, that was crusted, baked and topped with spinach and mozarella cheese... Heavenly! I just love the soft texture of the cheese going together with fish that was crispy on the outside, but tender and soft in the inside. And they are all so famous for the honey lemon drink too.. He even asks you if you want it hot or cold.. How thoughtful!

Caught up with loads of things with Su Ching over lunch. She filled me in with the latest in her life as well, frustrations she's facing as Vice-Dean of the School of Public Policy, and more. At the end of lunch, I could see she felt better venting out all the pent up frustrations. I guess she used to be able to do that when I was working there... Now, she's keeping it all to herself.

Caught up with Agnes too. She used to be a teacher! She's still as funny and bubbly as ever! So glad to be able to fill her in with the latest happenings in my life. She's really happy for me, and keeping her fingers crossed too! Ha ha.. Yes, Miss Tan.. I'll keep you in the loop of things! :)

Then off I left for town to meet up with Justin. After the meeting, I was glad that I plucked up the courage to speak to him about pursuing his interest in music. I guess at the end of the day, if he decides not to pursue his singing, I know I have touched a life in some way, and that makes me happy. I'd love to see that spark in his eyes one day. I'd love to see him smile, and say to himself, "Yes, this is my dream. This is what I've wanted all these while."

Finally back at home close to midnight, and I'm onto my design project again cos there's more changes to be made. My eyes are almost shut from the lack of sleep, but I'm too excited and happy to get to bed.

Just got this in my email message from the Fitness Magazine website, and I'd like to share it with you...

"It concerns us to know the purposes we seek in life, for then, like archers aiming at a definite mark, we shall be more likely to attain what we want.."
-- Aristotle.

Have you found what you want in your life?

:)

NIE results...

Ha! I completely forgot I had the results for last semester to look forward to! So when Chen Ying told me it was online, I was like.. hmmm... what if I failed?!! For a long while, I was trying to recall what modules I took last semester! So much for learning, heh?

Here it is - 2As, 3Bs and a credit for practicum. Actually, all that mattered to me was the counselling module I took up as my elective and the practicum. Scored an A for counselling, so was overjoyed, and I kinda expected the credit for practicum... My sup was pushing me for distinction, and I was like... "no, no... don't want so many observations..!" Anyway, like one of my NIE classmates said - distinction or not also same pay, right?

I guess at the end of the day, what matters most is if I make an effective teacher. So what if I have strings of As, or that I had gotten a distinction? If my methods don't work on my kids, or if I am not an empathetic teacher, or if I don't relate well to my kids, that what's with all the As on that sheet of result slip, right?

With the holidays now, I have effectively switched off my "teacher mode", and have for a moment, forgotten my profession. I think I'd seriously need to rev up my ethusiasm in teaching again a week before school starts... I need to pass positive energy to my kids!

The destination of my journey keeps me focused,
But it is the route I take that teaches me life's most valuable lessons.

:)

Half a year - so much has happened!

Wendy and I were having a late night conversation in Bangkok after our massage. She said, "Don't you think that a lot has already happened for this year for us?"

I couldn't quite agree more. In retrospect, I think loads had happened in all aspects of my life ever since the beginning of this year. It just occurred to me that it has been almost half a year since that conversation I had with Max that left me in tears. I've moved on, and flew. I've soared, and I'm aiming to fly higher. Like Wendy said, "He's missing out a lot in your life." That's OK... It's what he's chosen to do, and I've not lost anything in the process.

Practicum at HIHS has given me new insights to teaching. The 10 weeks had brought me new experiences, and it has shaped me to look at things from a different perspective. I've learnt to relate better to teenagers, something that I've always wanted to do as a step towards my goal. I've also learnt to understand my brother better, and the frustrations he's facing as a teacher.

But I think the greatest thing that made a difference in my life ever since February was what sparked after I decided to resend that email to a friend. Deciding to meet up after that has opened a whole new world for me, a world that I am currently passionate about, not only because of the potential I see in it, but because it has given me a new perspective of things. And what's more - because of it, I find myself connecting better with my friends and family and to new people. It has heightened my confidence, revved up my drive, and rejuvenated the spunky spirit I have been suppressing for a long time. It has challenged my preconceived ideas, confirmed my philosophies in life, and made me treasure more what I have been blessed with.

I never knew one solitary person could make such a big difference in another's life in such a short span of time, and that one can even create a ripple effect to others around. And so, I have learnt by example. I have begun to realise that my dream of doing something big isn't as impossible as it may seem as long as I have my heart in it. And the challenge is made even more exciting and comforting at the same time when I feel I have someone walking by my side, sharing the same vision, fulfilling the same goals. It's more than just being in a tag-team. It's almost like having found a soul mate.

I read somewhere that if you want to have your dream fulfilled, act as if it has already been fulfilled. That's almost what I'm doing now. It's kind of like pushing yourself to the limits and not holding yourself back. Why have limiting thoughts when you can have positive thoughts? Most of the time, fear sets me back, and I choose to stay in my comfort zone. But I've learnt that I can only do so much if I stay in my comfort zone - and that is why, I have decided to fly like an eagle, soar to great heights, and be the king of the skies. But I will not be flying alone. I will ensure that I make all around me eagles as well!

My friends, you know who you are - it's time to take flight. We all shouldn't just be hovering in the skies. We should be soaring now! Come fly with me now...

:)

Back from Bangkok!

Yes, I am back from Bangkok! Besides burning a big hole in my pocket shopping and shopping and shopping, I have also gained a few pounds from all the good food! And guess what? Straight from the airport, my mum, Grace and I went straight to Still Road to get some good pepper crabs. I wasn't a tad hungry but for some reason, I downed a whole big plate of hor fun and vegetables... where did that appetite come from?

Wendy was a great travel and shopping partner.. We browsed and walked and walked and walked... Everything seemed to tempt us, especially at The Loft at the Siam Discovery Centre.

I explored the Pratunam area with her too, and when we were at the market, it rained cats and dogs. Stuck, we decided to roam around the area. For a whole good hour, we learnt what bad fashion was. For once in my life, I actually felt nauseous looking at the rows of gaudy, loud and distasteful material cut into the most outrageous designs. I felt suffocated looking at mannequins dressed in fushia pink chiffon dress decked with matching sequins. What were they thinking? Yet again.. maybe it would be useful at Patpong.. I don't know...

MBK renovated their food court, so it was a real dining experience there. Wendy and I were craving for good Thai Tom Yum Gung, and there we found it! Although the sausage in the soup didn't quite fit in, but the broth was good. Ask for chilli padi if you want it hotter! And to down the fire caused by the chilli, order the Lemon Frostie... Heavenly!

Dragon Seafood Restaurant just before the Pratunam area didn't fail me again. I went there with Pris the last time I was there, and I got myself a 15% discount off the total bill. Ask for anything grilled. It wouldn't fail you. Our sotong was just heavenly with the green chilli and lime leaf sauce. The fried garouper with chilli sauce was also yummy! Pad Thai there was passable, tho the tau geh and cashew nuts made it somewhat more special. The place seems to be doing well cos they now have a whole new building on the opposite road!

We were hunting for good breads and pastries too... and here's the verdict. Head for the Amari Watergate Hotel. The chocolate chip macademia nut cookies are really really good. And they come packed in a nice metal tin that makes a perfect gift for anyone. The brownie is heavenly too. Ask them to warm it up for you... The chocolate will then just drizzle down the sides.. combined with the cashew nuts at the top, I think I just found a new definition of sin! The make great sandwiches (yes, you can order what you want in your sandwich too!), apple strudle and a whole lot of other yummy mousse cakes. We just loved the way the cut the loaf cakes into think one inch slices.. Looks really good!

The Oriental Hotel has set up four shops around Bangkok selling their pastries too. You can't miss it - It looks so Harrods! I tried the brownie for 80 baht. It's so nicely packed in white wax paper and sealed with a gold sticker, and they even give you a nice olive green paper bag to carry your slice of brownie in... And the brownie's so addictive! They sell nice fruit cakes and breads too!

Novotel at Siam Square where we stayed in also has nice pastries and breads. The pizza just looked so good when I saw it at the showcase this afternoon. Pity we had to leave for the airport already, or I think I'd have tried it! Pris and I really enjoyed the warm chunky fries they serve there! And our hotel also serves up a mean buffet spread for breakfast! Western, Asian, Japanese... you name it, they have it! Was really spoilt for choice!

Fruts are in season.. Lychees, rambutans, pomelos, pineapples, .... Really yummy - and very very cheap too!

Didn't manage to trod down to Chinatown and the Pahurat area, but Wendy and I did lots of walking in the all famous Chatuchak Weekend market. Had a swell time bargaining. I managed to get really nice papers for wrapping presents - and it was really cheap! Bought my 90 baht tops from the SUCCESS shop again... Got a top in my previous trip last year, and it was good, so I was replenishing my stock!

Hey Pris, guess what? The cashew nut shop that we were trying to hard to find the last time? Well, I found it!!! It's really at one corner! Managed to get a nice back cushion for my brother too. He's happy I got him so many things... :)

My biggest splurge - a custom made bustier dress in 100% Thai Silk from Jim Thomson. I'm not naming prices here, but it's my most expensive buy in my life. But I think it's worth it. I really loved it. Now, I'll corss my finges and pray that it'sll come to me in about 3 weeks' time.. and that it'll fit! My mum said I can keep the dress for my wedding... Wah... she's really thinking far! :)

Boots - I can never leave Bangkok if I don't go to Boots. It carries a real good range of toiletries imported from UK, and it's really cheap! I got nice sample sized body scrubs, essential oils, and all my mum's Loreal stuff from there. I just love that place!

And... I can never recommend any other massage place better than Chang's. The last time I was there, the branch beside my hotel was the only branch. Now, they have 4 shops scattered over Bangkok... They even have one in the airport. I had my favourite foot massage, which is totally cool after a long day shopping!

That's my Bangkok trip... yes, I still do love Bangkok and all the shopping. My mum is thinking of asking me to bring her there again, since I seem to know that place so well... We'll see!

Oh - and I do recommend Valuair. It's cheap, it's good, they have a nice funky crew, not to mention meals on board (and they come packed in nice cardboard boxes that serves and clears food away really swelly fast! The captain that we had was a nice tall man who came into the cabin to talk to us actually, instead of from the cockpit. At the end of the speech, the whole plane clapped for him!

Back in Singapore, and though Bangkok was great, there is nothing quite like the comforts of home, the sweet taste of PUB tap water, the great singapore sale, and my family and friends back home.

Glad to be home. Right now, I need to catch up on some ZZZZZs, and start on a light diet tomorrow.. All the good food has made my stomach go bonkers!

Starfish... OUT!... but will be back!

:)

Off to Bangkok!

Wendy and I will be making our way to the land of smiles, cheap massage and a shopping paradise. It'll be a well-deserved break, and I can't wait to have my third trip there!

To my dear friends who are left behind in Singapore... well, I'll be thinking of you! And yes, Grace, I won't forget your two "kong" of chilli flakes!

We may be miles apart, but we're always close at heart.

Take care, and will catch up with you all when I get back on Monday!

Starfish... OUT!

:)

Sawadi Kaa...

Of rock bands and young minds

It isn't always that I have rock music pounding in my ears so loud and the beat of the drums so hard that I can literally feel it thumping through my heart. Well, today that happened.

One of my HIHS kids is in a rock band, and he invited me to see another "awesome" rock band that was playing in town today. His friend's brother's in the band.. It's called Cross Bred, I learnt later...

And so, I rushed through cooking dinner for my brother, and headed down to town just to watch the gig. I've always wanted to support the passion of youths in anyway I could, just to see them grow into the individuals they ought to be. And so, I've always encouraged my students to pursue their passion... and it's not always studies! I can forsee myself being the unorthodox teacher as I encourage my students to do what they love - music, the arts, drama...

Well, back to the gig. I braved loud music and the smell of cigarette smoke, and who cares if I looked obviously older than the rest of the youths there. It was worth it. I saw my other students from other classes too, and they were pleasantly surprised to see me. From the faces of the youths, I could see that they were really passionate about their music. Pity they didn't have a vocalist or the "Sweet Child of Mine" would have sounded awesome... Of course, it brought back fond memories of my JC days.. Didn't Max sing that song too? Ha.. and to think he's a teacher now!

There, I also spotted a few other youths and asked them to go down for the auditions for the local film a friend of mine is shooting. Got a whole bunch of phone numbers at the end of the hour. When I get back from Bangkok, I think I'm gonna have a swell time scheduling the auditions for my friend! Will also arrange for the rock band to meet up with my other friends to see if anything can be worked out. Can't wait to see all of it happening!!

I'm just so excited seeing how I can make a difference in young people's lives just like that. I sure hope something good will come out of all of this. If anything, I think they'd have a wonderfully different learning journey in the lesson of life.

#42

#42 - that's where I'd be sitting in the staff room of the spanking new school premises of HIHS at Punggol. I was beginning to get jaded with teaching (God forbid - I have 3 more years!), and so I was glad that the school visit rejuvenated the drive in me to want to teach again.

I met some of my students when I went back to school on Saturday, and was greeted with smiles and cheers when some of them found out that I would be back to teach them. Hmmmm... looks like the hard work in developing the rapport didn't go to waste after all!

Frankly, deep in me, all I wanted was for them to grow up to be responsible adults. Simply stated, but it means a whole lot of things. Being responsible means being accountable for everything that I choose to do. And that means accepting whatever consequences that come my way as a result of the choices I make. Being responsible also means taking into consideration how my actions affect those around me. It's about being self-aware, but not self-centred.

Met up with Wendy and Pris on Saturday too. Had a nice long chat with Pris. As always, each time we meet, there's so much to talk about, we could just go on and on. Thanks, Pris for the unconditional support in what I'm doing. And for always being there. And now we know, don't order the Otak Bruschetta when we go to Coffee Club! :)

Today has been a fulfilling day. Glad I managed to spend time with my brother today at Mass. And I managed to speak to Justin about pursuing his singing... I've always loved it when he sang at Mass. It was my wish back then that I could see him do something about his singing. And now that I can do something about it, I'm glad I took the courage to go up to him and speak to him about it. And he was excited about it! I can't wait to see how he can be developed!!

Bonding time with close friends again after that. I've learnt today, that No. 49 on the Crytal Jade menu is my comfort food... Sliced Fish and sliced Beef Congee. I've never felt so satisfied downing a whole bowl of congee for such a long time! Food always bring people together...

Tomorrow marks the first official school holiday for me. I will enjoy the next three weeks while it lasts...

:)

My Back Again...

It's been a week since I had that acute pain in the back. Today, I had to go back to the hospital for a check up. They told me I had a slight slipped disc. Not to worry, they said, since I could still walk. I'd be in trouble if I had begun to lose my senses.

And so, they sent me off to physiotherapy. There, I was put on a traction machine that will help align my bone back, and some heat treatment to ease the pain. I have begun to feel a sore pain down the right side of my leg. According to the doctor, that meant that some bone is probably pressing onto some nerves, causing the pain. If the pain spreads up to my hands, it could mean that my spinal chord somehow has also been affected. Hopefully not...

In the meantime, I am not supposed to do any form of vigourous exercise. I even have an MC to prove it. Thankfully, I can still swim. :) I'd have to get back to the hospital on a weekly basis for physiotherapy. Of course, the doctor also sent me home with a bunch of painkillers and some gel that's supposed to ease the pain. It's all still in the bag. Don't believe in the painkillers - they just ease the pain, but it doesn't solve the problem.

Besides that, I'm all OK... Have been on a high, actually. Can't really comprehend why, but I love it when I have all this energy to infect people around me to make them smile! :)

Tomorrow, I'd be conducting cooking classes for a few of my NIE mates. On the menu - brownies, banana bread, oatmeal cookies and pesto pasta.

But for tonight, I will enjoy it while it lasts. Thinking about the things I'd be doing in the future gives me a tingling sensation of excitement, anticipation, yet sometimes fear. With the challenges that await me, I see myself charging ahead with all the courage I can gather. Sure, I'd be battered, beaten and worn out again. But I know at the end of it all, I'd come out all stronger and wiser. With that, what's there to lose?

:)

The sinseh shop

For the first time in my life, I stepped into a sinseh shop - all by myself. Undaunted by the fact that I could well be spoken to in a language I am weak in, I made my way to this shop in Redhill which friends had recommended. I was proud of myself that I found the shop without much searching.

I was right. The plump lady there spoke to me in Mandarin. She asked me if it was my first time there. I nodded. She asked if I had a back problem. I nodded - how did she know? After a while, she signalled to me to write my name in Mandarin on a registration card... Wow.. that sure has been a while since I last did that!

And so, after about an hours' wait, I was called in. She pressed and poked and asked if it was painful. I said yes and no... Then she asked me to go into another room where she asked me to lie down. There, she kneaded me like bread dough.

Now, I smell like eucalyptus. I am bruised. The pain is still there, but it was a good rub. I'd probably go back there on Saturday for a follow up session. Besides, it'd be a good Mandarin revision lesson too! :P

Had a good time with my NIE classmates today at school. I'm so gonna miss them! Stay in touch, ya?

The one thing I learnt today

I had a good time today just catching up with friends I've not met for a while - friends from Harvard for one. The group of them are down for the Negotiations EP that I would have been running if I had not quit NUS.

Besides catching up briefly with Uncle Joel (nice to see you after so long!), I had a nice one hour heart to heart talk with Papa John. And amongst the many things we spoke about, the one thing I learnt from him today is what he tells all his children, "Your greatest responsibility is not for the generation before you, but for the generation after you." We were talking about parents learning to let go of their children when they are old enough to think on their own, to chart their own lives, and to grow up to be the individuals they ought to be.

I also met up with Ian for dinner. I haven't had time to catch up with him ever since he knew Pam! Well, I'm really happy for the both of them that things are really going on well between the both of them. :) Why do I hear wedding bells? Or was it just me hearing things? :P It's great knowing that things are going on well for him!

Just had a good talk with mum... and yes, she supports all that I'm doing... "Just make sure you take care of your health ah.." OK, mum...:)

I've to be up in three hours' time to make my way to Pulau Nanyang for some Induction Programme... after which, I will trod down to some kung fu sinseh shop to have my back twisted back to shape... Yes, it still hurts, but not as bad... And I'm glad to say, I've cured my cough! I just downed lots of mum's sambal belacan mixed in soup!

A fulfilling day indeed!

:)

Smile...

It's still a Monday morning, and for some, the day has hardly started. But for me, I feel like I've accomplished much... and there's more in store for the rest of the day! :)

For starters...

1. Woke up at 5.30am to pack the usual sandwiches for my brother's lunch.

2. Caught a glimpse of National Geographic and learnt to distinguish between a squid and a cuttlefish... Also learnt that squids are carnivores that eat even its own kind!

3. Went to the polyclinic just to appease my mum that I don't have anything more serious than a bout of flu. The doctor sent me home with a bunch of medication I already have at home, and told me to "cough til it stops".... whatever.. No MC needed. See, mum? I told you I'm OK...

4. Had a quick exchange of SMS with Pris... So glad to know you're doing fine, pal.. We'd meet up soon ya?

5. Spoke with Papa John on the phone.. Yes, he's down from Harvard. Said he was trying to get in touch with me but couldn't cos he sent an email to me to my old email address! Now he suspects that I'm some secret agent trying to hide my real identity! (*roll eyes*). Will probably meet up with him today or tomorrow before he leaves on Thursday.

6. Am working on the CampVision collaterals and T-shirt design... Final touch-ups and I can hand in the artwork today! :) Better start cracking now.. I have 3 hours to complete it all!

I hope Wendy is doing fine with the Negotiations EP. I had wanted to help more, but circumstances (like my back and flu) didn't allow me to... Well, maybe it's all for the better. I'm sure that girl will make it nice and well, and at the end of the day, she can pat herself on the back and say, "I did it!" :)

Before I pen off, I'd just like to share with you the one thing that made me all smiles since 6am this morning...

Taking a bath and being able to soap my toes without that pain in the back. :)

My Best Friend's Wedding

I guess the good part about being down with flu coupled with a backache is that I can't do much except plonk myself in front of the TV and channel surf. I think I've seen enough reruns of Exotic Homes and Getaways on Discovery Channel, or of the different kinds of prawns (ebi, as the japanese would call it) on Japan Hour. I still cannot get over the fact that they ate the prawns raw - with the feelers still moving!

In between those shows, I managed to catch two movies - The Other Sister, and my all time favourite, My Best Friend's Wedding.

I have never failed to cry at the ending of My Best Friend's Wedding. I think I must have watched that show for like, five times? And I've teared each time the scene whereby Julia Roberts gets hugged by her best friend (Michael) - as though he's saying -thanks for all you've done.

Wendy knows why I cry each time I watch that movie. She calls it the "Mark" show. I remember telling her a few weeks back when they began to show the trailers for the movie. "Let's see if I'd cry this time."

Well, Wendy, I didn't!

I guess it's a matter of perspective now. For the longest time, I thought myself to be "Jello". But this time round, I chose to be "Creme Brulee". And who cares if creme brulee is something new, or if it hasn't been around as long as jello, or if it's a tad too crusty at the top, and sweet in between. The point of the matter is that this jello has transformed, and it has moved on. And it has gained the appreciation of those who treasure the unique taste of creme brulee.

This is Pam's favourite line from the show, and I guess when you really think about it, it is true. Do what you need to do, say what you need to say, before the moment just passes you by...

"Kimmy says, When you love someone. You say it, you say it out loud.
Right now. Or the moment...passes you by."


And for all the diehard romantic friends of mine, this song's for you...

Someday
When I'm awfully low
When the world is cold
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight

Yes, you're lovely
With your smile so warm
And your cheek so soft
There is nothing for me but to love you
And the way you look tonight

With each word your tenderness grows
Tearing my fear apart
And that laugh
That wrinkles your nose
Touches my foolish heart

Lovely
Never ever change
Keep that breathless charm
Won't you please arrange it
'Cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight

And that laugh
That wrinkles your nose
It touches my foolish heart

Lovely
Don't you ever change
Keep that breathless charm
Won't you please arrange it
'Cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight

Hmm...
Hmm...
Just the way you look tonight

Down with flu...

What's with me? First the back ache, now I'm down with flu. High fever, runny nose, a sore throat and congested cough... And the back is still sorely painful...

Is is the weather? I seem to fall sick always in the month of May. Last year, I was at the CDC for the whole month, down with viral fever. Or is it just the case of the body's resistance dropping after a highly stressful period during practicum? I read somewhere that if one relaxes too much after a high stress period, the body's resistance will drop and the person will succumb to virus more easily.

Oh well, whatever the conspiracy theory is, I feel like a pile of mess waiting to be untangled.

Gotta go rest now...

Still in pain...

It's been two days since I had the acute pain at the lower back, and the pain is still there. I feel like a confused old woman who cannot decide if it's better to sit or stand. Sitting down for more than 5 minutes sends a sharp pain from the lower back up to the spine. Standing for too long sends a numbing pain at the same area. Walking sends a pulsing pain with every step I take. The only thing I can do is to lie on my papasan chair with stacks of pillows to support the back. Only then is the pain bearable.

But I feel bored just sitting there. So, just enduring the pain, I cooked a whole big pot of minestrone soup yesterday afternoon. Went NTUC to shop for groceries with my mum, and even went to church for Ascension Day Mass yesterday evening. I did much walking, and though at the end of the day, the pain came on even stronger, I did feel better than just sitting in my papasan chair doing nothing. It's times like these that I only wished I had a laptop instead of a desktop.

PAUSE... back aching again.. Let me change my sitting position...

I've been one person who hates medication. And so I refused to pop in any painkillers yesterday. But come night time, I had to succumb to the pills. Well, at least I had a good nights' sleep cos the pills make me drowsy.

Next week, I've to go back to the hospital for a check up. I hope I'd be better by then. I've got too much to do outside to stay indoors with a back ache!

Oh, and to my dear friends - thanks for your care, concern, msn messages, smses and calls. You know who you are - Thanks, really... :)

Have a great day ahead.. It's Friday!!

My back

Back from the hospital with a whole load of painkillers, and two jabs. The pain hasn't subsided, but at least I am more mobile now.

The doctor at the polyclinic referred me to the hospital after the jab they gave me didn't work. In fact, it made it more painful, and for a moment, I stood in the middle of the waiting room writing in pain. Tears just flowed down my cheeks as I realised I couldn't even slide my feet forward to move anymore. Any movement I made just triggered the pain further at the lower back.

As the nurses and paramedics transferred me from the wheelchair to the stretcher, I endured more pain. They had to lift me by my shorts as I could hardly move by myself.

I endured more pain at the A & E Ward when the doctor went through with me again the same process to test that my reflexes were OK. I found myself repeating the same things I said to the doctor at the polyclinic. Pain...

X-ray. Yet more pain as I was asked to move from the bed to the cold X-ray table. I felt helpless. I reached out to any hand that offered support for me to move from place to place. My doctor said in a chuckle. "You look like a baby". I guess so. Helpless like a baby... and maybe just as cute? :P

No fractures - the doctor told me after examining the x-ray films. He wrinkled his forehead, wondering what caused the pain. He told me if the pain didn't subside after another injection, he'd have to admit me in cos he couldn't rule out me having a slipped disc.

No - I didn't want to stay in the hospital. I'm supposed to be canoeing with my NIE mates tomorrow! And so, when he visited me again and asked if I could sit up, I rolled over with all my might, bit my lips to hide the pain and sat up. Then I stood up. Then I walked. The pain was half as bad, but bearable.

"Guess I don't have to be admitted?" I asked him.

As I am sitting in front of my PC blogging, I thank God that it wasn't anything too serious. Yes, I limp when I walk, and hold my back like a pregnant woman. My mum has kindly lifted things I needed to above the waist level so I don't have to bend down. I'm hoping the pain will subside over the next few days. I'd be bored staying at home!

Well, the good news is that I don't have to get down to NIE on Friday for more talks! :)

A Twisted Back

I must have twisted my back somehow last night. I recalled moaning in pain when Wendy called me passed midnight. I thought I could sleep the pain through and it will be OK this morning. Well, guess I was wrong.

I felt paralysed when I awoke. I had to take a full 10 minutes to figure out and contort my body just to get myself up from the floor to my feet. Even that, I was writhing in pain. With every step I took, the pain magnified 10 times to the lower back. For a while, I just stood still, wondering if that would be the best thing to do.

I woke mum up, much to her shock. From my face, she knew something was amiss. I told her about the pain. She whipped out her back brace (mum's got a back problem too), and tightly secured it around my waist. It felt better with the support, but it didn't ease the pain much.

As I lowered myself to sit on mum's bed, tears welled up in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I've never felt so much pain for so long. Suddenly, flashes of what ifs cloud my mind. What if my life was like that forever?

OK, a little melodramatic, you may say. But really, what if?

I have begun to walk more since three hours ago. I figured I'd better keep the limbs moving lest I really become immobile. I have decided to be my own physiotherapist, forcing myself to endure the pain as much as I can as I make little efforts to push myself further to bend a little, stretch a little, push a little.

I'd be going to the doctors soon. Slowly, I will walk there. I figured at the snail's pace I'm taking to walk, I'd reach there just in time - in an hour - for the polyclinic to open.

I'm hoping it's nothing more serious than a strained back that can be treated with a jab or some pain killers. But in any case, should I be hospitalised, will someone bring me a laptop so I can do work? A T-shirt design is due....

Will keep you updated after my visit to the docs. In the meantime, I shall leave and take my snail's pace there.

Hope you're having a better start to your morning! :)

When the grass is greener on the other side

The postings are out. And one by one, us trainee teachers open our envelopes with apprehension, wondering where the Minstry have sent us. For those of us who applied directly to schools, our fate also laid in the hands of the Ministry ultimately. The principals of each school had only that much say in requesting for us to teach in their schools.

When it was announced that the number of trainee teachers that got posted into JCs this year had increased by 100%, my heart twitched for a moment. Yes, I did request to get into HIHS as I wanted to teach in a Catholic school. Yet, there was once another part of me that also wanted to teach in a JC. And now with project work coming into place in the school's curriculum, teaching in a JC just became all the more attractive to me. But I knew my name wasn't on that list.

I knew that those who got posted to the JCs had at least an honours degree. I had none to boast about. Not that I couldn't qualify for it back then. I was offered to do honours for both my majors, but I had to turn both offers down as I couldn't afford it. I had to go out to work as soon as I could before the study loans welled up. And so, I graduated without honours.

Part of me began to wonder if I would have been better off just doing my honours back then. In a way, I feel I am losing out now. Not doing my honours isn't a simple case of "I should have studied harder". That would have been easy to deal with. But it was another matter altogether. It isn't always the case that opportunities be served to you on a silver platter. Well, at least not for me back then. And so, I made that choice. And now, I'm living the consequences of my choice.

But I have learnt to live my live without regrets. Driven by the maxim that "Everything happens for a reason", I believe that there is a reason why I wasn't posted into a JC. Recalling my raison d'etre for teaching, I realised that if I would have taught in a JC, then I wouldn't gain the experience I had wanted to gain in dealing with troubled teens. Not that kids at JCs are angels, but deep in me, I knew the kids at HIHS presented me with a challenge and a mission to accomplish within three years.

And so, maybe, it doesn't matter so much if Pam got posted to CHIJ St Joseph's - the school that I had wanted so much to teach in, or that Alvin got posted to his alma mater, NJC, or that Victor's going to teach at NYJC, and Jennifer at AJC, I think each of us teachers-to-be have a mission each in our schools to accomplish.

For a moment, it seemed that our teaching capacity and worth was measured by where we were posted to. But in retrospect, it really isn't the case. I believe the one up there has planned it all out. Some of our loads are heavier than others. Some of us have heavier crosses to carry. But I know that He will never give us a burden heavier than we can bear. All I need is strength, faith, and courage to face what is to come my way.

The grass always looks greener on the other side. It's perhaps time to appreciate the greenery on our side instead.

:)

Updates...

I know I haven't been the best at blogging these days. It is an indication of too many things to do, and more so, the lack of inspiration to write. In short, the following happened since the last time I blogged...

1. Received my permanent posting - it's back to HIHS.

2. Have been cooking lately, and inventing new dishes again, much to the happiness of my brother who has been spared of mum's cooking - not that she doesn't cook well, but she cooks the same dishes over and over again.

3. Mum's much better. Her health has improved, but she's still under medication.

4. Managed to get Wendy to seriously think about her future plans in her career path.

5. Grace got her dream job at TP! Congrats!! Now, I'm really going to pass my students to you, pal!

6. Was chef for the weekend for two parties. It felt good knowing people enjoyed by cooking! The brownies, once again, was a hit! :)

7. I learnt from a dear friend what it means to give unconditionally. It takes a lot out of one to do that. Sometimes, I should remind myself to be less selfish and more giving, no matter who.

8. Finally took some time to write to Dad. Thank goodness he's fine.. He's back to line dancing and is actually teaching in some home line dancing on a volunteer basis.

9. Am planning a trip to Bangkok cos I've got a free ticket!

10. Spent the weekend with three dear friends. What else could be better?

Just got back from the SAF visit as part of the NIE post practicum programme. Wow! I sat in an F5 and F16!! And did you know that each of the gigantic Singapore flag that is flown on National Day is 90ft by 60 ft, and costs $30,000 per flag. And that they have 18 flags on standby in total on that day??? Do your maths.. The price we pay for getting our country's name in the guiness book of world records.

Say what you wish.. I am proud to be a Singaporean!

:)

The way you look at me...

I've used a new song for the blog. I fell in love with it the moment I heard it. Surprise, surprise, it's sung by a Filipino. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Christian Baustista, with his rendition of The way you look at me...

No one ever saw me like you do
All the things that I could add up to
I never knew just what a smile was worth
But your eyes see everything without a single word

CHORUS
'Cause there's somethin' in the way you look at me
It's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
You make me believe that there's nothing in this world I can't be
I never know what you see
But there's somethin' in the way you look at me

If I could freeze a moment in my mind
It'll be the second that you touch your lips to mine
I'd like to stop the clock, make time stand still
'Cause, baby, this is just the way I always wanna feel

[Repeat CHORUS]

BRIDGE
I don't know how or why I feel different in your eyes
All I know is it happens every time


[Repeat CHORUS]


CODA
The way you look at me
And if you want to know how he looks like.. well.. Here's a treat for your eyes!

Little things that make me smile :)

I've been on a rollercoaster ride these days. Maybe it's the weather; maybe I've been worrying too much. But whatever it was, I have learnt to smile at the little things that come my way. As I learn to focus on these things, I learn to appreciate life better, and be thankful of all that I have.

1. Having conversations with good friends who have been up to their necks with work. Hang in there, pals! You're not alone! :)

2. Making dinner for my brother and seeing him gobble it all down with a satisfied look on his face.

3. Meeting up with my NIE mates and catching up with them.

4. Having cleared my room of mess.

5. Receiving phone calls on my new StarHub line - cos it's free and I can talk as long as I want!

6. Spending time with mum.

7. Giving someone a massage and seeing him/her all relaxed after that.

8. Having a swim when the pool is empty.

9. Listening to my music whilst rollerblading.

10. Seeing Brandy - the poodle I meet at the Tampines Park each time I blade. He reminds me of Cookie.

11. Planning a party, conjuring up recipes in my head.

12. Seeing a child talk to his dad.

13. Receiving emails from friends.

14. Making travel plans.

15. Laying my fingers on the keyboard.

16. Listening to the sound of the piano.

17. Singing in the lift or toilet.

18. Playing with babies.

19. Making another smile.

And of course, I smile best, when...

20. I see another smile. :)

But at the back of my head, I am packed with feelings of mixed emotions. For one, a dear friend of mine hasn't been too himself lately. He seems to be keeping to himself, and I wonder why. The sunshine in his eyes is gone. Maybe he's tired. Maybe he needs time alone. I hope to have the sunshine back soon... Kinda miss it!

Final school postings will be out within these two days. I wonder if I'd stay at HIHS. And more so, who else will be posted there. I'm hoping Joanne will be posted there with me. I've found a friend in her, and I know I'd feel that something's missing if I don't see that familiar face I've grown accustomed to see every morning for the past 10 weeks.

I'm beginning to feel that I've lost steam on the project I started off a few months back. My friends who have been behind me supporting this project seem to have lost their enthusiasm too. I don't blame them. It was a project that started off well, but kept hitting obstacles in relation to it. And so the motivation to carry on just wasn't there. I'm hoping to kickstart the project again, with fingers crossed. This time, I want to make it real.

Never always alone

Sometimes, when the world seem to come down on you
And when there seem to be so many things to do
When everything needs to be done almost immediately
You sit and wonder how did it all happen
Why must it all happen now?
It is times like these when you will ask,
What was it? Will this moment ever pass?
Suddenly you feel overwhelmed
And all you want to do
Is to be left alone
To not say a word
To recharge
To rejuvenate
And come to terms with your inner soul.
And in your yearn for isolation
At the same time, you also wish
That there is someone to listen
To share your burden,
To help ease the load.

Will it help to know that I'm stretching out my hand
To help ease that load?

- Deborah Anne Chew